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Good morning all.

Grey morning,

pretty typical of November.

Grey damp and chilly,

my least favourite month,

of the year.

Sorry, this isn’t meant to be,

a whiny blog post.

I am good,

I have been busy,

work is good,

love is good.

Catherine and I,

went to see,

The French Dispatch,

the latest Wes Anderson film.

Love Wes Anderson.

I read a few really good books.

Care Of by Ivan Coyote,

Why Sinatra Matters by Pete Hamill,

both high recommends.

Been wearing more colour,

lifting my mood,

bunch of great and cheap,

Old Navy plaid shirts,

wearing red, green,

as well as blue and black.

Ru Paul’s Drag Race UK,

has been a Godsend,

humour, laughter,

silliness,

affirming queerness,

loved it.

I really don’t like,

the American version,

as much,

the toxic competitiveness,

and bitchiness,

not my thing.

I love Ru Paul,

and to me the Brit version,

brings out the best,

in both sides,

of the man/drag queen.

Imho, no more, no less.

I have been thinking about,

Christmas,

planning, budgeting.

I won’t buy too many gifts,

people give too many presents,

too much stuff that isn’t ,

needed or wanted or useful.

So I have a limited list,

I will use a Marie Kondo,

paraphrased,

approach,

is it useful?

is it beautiful?

Will it bring joy?

There are also the findings,

from the,

Harvard Study on Adult development,

an ongoing study,

that has been continuous,

for over 75 years.

Among other findings,

the study helps to answer,

the age old question,

does money buy,

happiness?

Not really, but…

Money allows you,

to acquire 3 things,

that do make you happy:

1)experiences(from travel to classes that help you learn things, hobbies, art etc)

2) Pro Social giving(charitable donations, treating people you love, it is better to give than to receive)

3) Buying time (paying to have things done that you consider tedious which equals buying time, housecleaning, grocery delivery,snow removal, window washing etc)

Life is short,

spend it with people,

who you love,

people who love you,

do things that nourish,

your mind,

your soul,

feel useful.

And,

when the November blues hit,

remember that Christmas is coming,

that you are loved,

that life is good.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

Good afternoon all.

Today is Remembrance Day,

Lest We Forget.

November has been,

beautiful,

mild and sunny,

very un November like.

I have been enjoying it.

Been an odd,

kind of a week.

I have been,

chewing on,

reflecting on,

a few things.

I do that,

chew and reflect.

Since my mother died,

in September of 2020,

I have been putting,

a new,

a different life,

together.

I had grief to deal with,

I had affairs to get in order,

I had a move to plan,

I had an apartment to pack,

I had my mother’s things,

possessions,

to go through, give away,

or keep,

pass on to her friends,

her family.

I had to go through,

what was important to me,

what I attached sentiment to,

what I loved,

what I used,

what I could simply,

not part,

with.

I did that for my things,

as well.

Sometimes,

I need to get rid,

of things,

they remind me,

of someone,

I no longer which,

to be reminded of,

many things,

hold,

bitter,

or sweet,

or bittersweet,

memories.

But mostly,

things,

are just things,

that you like or not,

that you use,

or look at,

we all have things.

Some,

are important,

most,

not so much,

but,

we still like our things.

A few weeks ago,

I gave something away,

to a friend.

I didn’t want the thing,

in question,

I didn’t use it,

I wasn’t going to,

so I gave it to someone,

who will use it,

to teach kids,

I could not think,

of a better use,

for the thing.

The person who gave it to me,

found out,

she got very upset,

she reached out,

she upset herself,

and me.

We are no longer,

in each other’s life,

we won’t be.

It was a gift,

this thing,

but when something,

is yours,

you can do what you wish,

with it.

My intention was not to hurt,

to cause pain.

My intent,

was to make,

my life,

better,

less encumbered,

with things,

with a past,

that has helped me,

to grow,

but, one,

in which,

I do not want to,

wallow.

I try to be a good person,

everyday,

I try to be honest,

to be honourable,

I try not to hurt people,

sometimes,

I fail.

I live the best life,

I can.

Perhaps,

I should have been,

more reflective,

perhaps, I was insensitive,

for this I am sorry.

I am an imperfect,

work in progress.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all well.

I am sitting at my desk.

When I turn my neck, a little to the left,I see outside the window,my view is of,the street,but, I am on the,second floor,so I see,houses,trees,lawns,cars and delivery trucks,and the sky,

which today is clear,

blue with white puffy clouds,

but, it’s cold,

November….sigh.

So far, I am doing ok,

I find November,

challenging,

sad anniversaries,

incoming cold,

less and less light,

and the grey that,

invades everything.

But, right now,

it is sunny,

and colours,

on the trees and bushes,

are hanging around.

A most picturesque time of year.

As I write this,

I am listening to,

a fabulous playlist,

on Spotify.

I have 2 echo dot’s,

and an echo flex,

so I can fill the flat,

with the sounds of,

Ella singing Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,

Sinatra singing… anything,

except My Way,

I really can’t stand that song, everyone has there favourites and their really not songs, right?

this is music that makes me happy,

that inspires me.

When I need to sing,

to dance,

I listen to Motown,

Indigo Girls,

for memory lane,

Bon Jovi,

for cleaning.

I love to sway,

with my girl,

to Stevie Wonder,

and Jazz,

Chet Baker,

Nina Simone,

are current favourites.

I just finished a book,

by Ivan Coyote,

a long time favourite writer/storyteller from the Yukon,

Care Of : Letters, Connections and Cures,

is a magnificent book,

real and funny,

smart and raw,

but, never crude,

Ivan tells it,

as it is,

but always with compassion,

and understanding,

of others,

humour and emotion,

a new Ivan is a source,

of much joy.

Even the ones I like less,

I still like better than most stuff,

I read.

I have been reading Ivan,

for a long time,

my ex first sent me their book-Close To Spiderman,

it was love at first read.

If you would like insight,

into what being trans is,

without the academics,

written with heart and vulnerability,

by someone,

who has a true voice,

storytelling expertise,

writing chops,

give Ivan a read,

you won’t regret it.

They just might help you,

through November.

Thank you Anita,

for putting their book in my hands,

many years ago,

and thank you Catherine,

for surprising me with this book.

The women in my life,

have always given me,

gifted me books,

they know,

it is one of my love languages.

Be well you all.

Stay safe,

Stay warm.

Later girls,

BB

Dear Mom,

it’s been more than a year,

since you passed away.

I think of you everyday.

Most days, I wish I could,

share something with you.

A laugh, a thought,

I wish I could tease you,

about politics,

or whatever.

Have a good cry watching,

Call The Midwife.

A lot has happened,

since you died,

that is how life is,

it goes on.

But, of course you know that

I paired down,

I packed,

I gave away lots of,

stuff.

I tried to honour your things, have them be useful to people, or simply bring pleasure, and warmth.

I have been in my new place,

six months,

today.

I could not be happier.

Helene and I share dinner,

at least once a week.

She takes me with her,

for groceries and,

cat stuff,

she looks out for Georgie,

when I am gone,

overnight,

he loves her,

and it is very mutual.

My flat is bright and sunny,

you would love it.

I love it.

Work is still wonderful,

I feel fulfilled,

appreciated,

and I learn things,

everyday.

My love life,

has really changed.

When you died,

I was in,

a long distance relationship,

there were,

wonderful aspects,

to that relationship,

good talks,

lots of laughter,

but, the distance,

and fundamental,

philosophical and cultural differences,

made it impossible,

to,

sustain.

It was hard,

break ups,

are,

but,

going forward,

living your best life,

means change,

growth,

and that,

often means,

pain.

Hard to believe,

I still,

have,

growing pains at 56,

but, I have and I expect,

there will be more.

I have a woman,

in my life.

She is wonderful,

you would really like her.

Her name is Catherine,

she is quiet,

but,

she loves to laugh,

she has the cutest little snort, when I really make her laugh, and I live to make her laugh.

she is beautiful,

has great style,

she loves to read,

we go to art shows,

we go out to eat,

I cook for her,

she cooks for me.

We spend most,

of our weekends,

together.

I feel so good with her,

I feel so me,

when I am with her.

My friends like her,

the cat loves her.

She is considerate,

generous,

and the easiest person,

I have ever been with.

I tell her about you,

she knows,

how much I love you,

that isn’t past tense,

I love you.

I am not just ok,

I am good.

I feel like you are,

too.

It’s October,

the end of October,

scarf and flannel season.

I washed and prepped,

the warm Winter things,

I have many of your scarves,

your favourites,

some I will wear,

but, most I keep,

because,

they remind me of you.

You are with me,

you live,

in my memories,

in my heart.

My dearest mom.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Bookish Butch (aka me), Autumn 2021

One of my favourite things,

about older,

furniture,

art,

homes,

cities,

is,

patina.

How the cracks,

the wear,

the unvarnished,

the age,

the loved and cared for,

but not babied,

how the use,

the life,

shows through.

It is closely related to,

my beautiful ugly.

Last Friday evening,

Catherine and I,

attended a cabaret show,

a Dada cabaret show,

it was part of a festival here,

in Montreal.

There were some silly,

thought provoking acts,

some were just,

disturbing,

one of the purposes of art,

is to create discomfort,

make us reevaluate,

our received opinions.

As a woman in my,

almost late fifties,

I am fifty-six,

who in spite of being,

an unconventional type,

who doesn’t agree with,

regular notions,

of what constitutes,

feminine beauty.

I was nonetheless,

challenged by,

a very large female,

performer,

who disrobed.

I was uncomfortable,

and then I looked,

at her and thought,

she is a big beautiful woman,

proud of who she is,

asserting her,

body,

her sensuality.

Why shouldn’t,

bigger women,

feel good about our bodies.

If I can appreciate,

patina on furniture,

why can’t I embrace,

my wrinkles and grey hair,

as witnesses to the life,

I have lived?

Curves are pleasing,

but so are angles,

none are superior,

they are all beautiful.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

***the photo at the top is one of 2 selfies I took today, I asked my Facebook friends to vote for their favourite, they are right it looks better, but this photo I also like because it shows my hands and I have a smirky face***

My big boy during the move.

Good morning all.

I am writing this,

the sun isn’t up yet.

It’s Monday morning,

October.

The weather has been amazing,

mild and sunny.

This week promises to be,

more,

seasonal.

Cool and rainy,

October,

Halloween weather.

On Halloween,

I will have had my,

big George,

for 2 years.

So much has happened,

in those 2 years,

the pandemic,

a new job,

the loss of my beloved mother,

the meeting of my sweet,

Catherine,

and of course,

Georgie.

Never a dull moment,

with George.

He is wonderful,

sweet,

affectionate,

gorgeous,

needy,

demanding,

exasperating,

a cat,

a great cat.

He brings action to my life,

he keeps me real.

Hope you are all well,

keep safe,

keep healthy.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Hello all,

it’s been a while,

I’ve been busy,

good busy.

Work, seeing friends,

spending time with,

my lady.

Last weekend, we went,

to see some,

slightly experimental theater,

dinner,

a walk in old Montreal.

We rode the bus back,

to her place,

I kept grinning,

at least it felt like I was grinning

The next day,

we had an amazing breakfast,

together,

it’s easy with her,

everything,

is.

I asked what she would like,

to do and she suggested,

showing me,

where she works,

she mentioned,

there was,

a used bookstore,

right by there.

An Autumn walk,

used bookstore browsing,

being with her,

happy sigh.

We emerged with books,

duh?

I said I was famished,

we went to this fantastic,

family style,

Latino place.

The food was scrumptious,

the prices excellent,

a loud,

but, in a good way,

atmosphere.

And then she walked me,

to the bus.

As I rode the bus and subway,

back home,

I noticed.

I noticed,

what a perfect,

weekend it was.

I noticed that I was,

chill, relaxed, beaming,

there was no tension,

in my body.

She,

likes me the way,

I am,

doesn’t try and fit me into,

a box,

doesn’t think,

I should think of things,

in another way,

she appreciates me,

as I am.

I have had,

a few good relationships,

in my life,

I have had love in my life,

I am so blessed.

But, lately,

I am so happy.

I noticed.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

Hello all.

Gorgeous, September day,

September 16 ,

a year ago,

my mother,

died.

It sure has been,

a tough year,

missing her,

parting with her things,

packing to move,

making a new home,

without her.

It has been a year,

of growth.

I have been,

enveloped by love,

supported by friends,

by family.

I have learned things,

about myself.

I now know,

much more about me.

I am resilient,

I am loved.

The love of my mother,

and all those who have,

gone before her,

my grandfather,

my father,

my grandmother,

the things,

they taught me,

the joys, the fun,

the hard things,

too,

these make me who I am,

today.

I miss my mother,

our talks,

our laughs,

the things we shared,

I miss her roast chicken,

her pate chinois,

I miss cooking for her,

too.

Today is the anniversary,

but, everyday I think of her.

I don’t get all choked up,

anymore when I talk about,

her.

I share anecdotes,

and I smile,

at those fond memories.

I have known many,

people in my life,

no one remotely like,

my mom.

I know we are all unique,

but, she was uniquely,

unique.

She walked her walk,

to a soundtrack,

only she heard.

She was much loved,

more than she knew.

She is missed.

I know she is at peace,

reading a book,

or watching Downtown Abbey,

having a political debate,

telling people they should vote.

Tu me manques beaucoup, maman.

I know she knows,

I am happy in my home,

she knows I am happy,

with Catherine.

She knows I have joy,

and calm.

I know,

We’ll meet again.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

September 11 th,

a beautiful cool morning,

just like the one,

20 years ago.

Hard to believe,

it was 20 years ago.

So many things,

have changed,

we lost much of,

our innocence,

that day,

there is less trust in the world,

and that is a bad thing.

RIP to all those who perished,

on that day,

we will never forget.

…..

September has long been,

my favourite month,

the weather is nice,

but cooler,

and as a child,

an only child,

September meant school,

school is big to an only child.

As I have gotten older,

the weather is still a big,

factor,

I love my Fall layers,

walking in the park,

by the river,

more pleasant,

in the cooler air.

Can’t wait to cuddle my girl,

in the cool of September.

It is also a hard month,

for more than one reason.

But, life goes on,

we grow,

we live,

we must.

Yesterday, I trimmed my hair,

I have been cutting,

my own hair since,

March 2020.

Our Premier closed,

the barbershops and hairdessers,

and I took the cat’s trimmer,

to my hair.

I have done it dozens of times,

since.

My hair grows quickly,

I have discovered a fondness,

for wearing it extra short.

I used to go once a month,

to the hairdresser’s,

she’s a nice woman,

hard working,

small business owner,

salt of the earth.

She was my hairdresser for 15 years,

I could never bring myself to change.

The pandemic forced me to either,

have long unruly hair,

which I dislike,

intensely,

or to invest in a clipper,

obviously the cat clipper was temporary,

so I bought a clipper,

two actually,

and with the money I spent,

on a brush, clippers etc,

I still figure I have saved 350 dollars,

or more adequately I have spent it elsewhere.

The objective wasn’t to save money,

it was to cut my hair,

groom it and care for it,

in every way.

I quite like doing it,

very zen activity,

the buzz of the clipper,

music playing as I do it.

I have also discovered,

that I was never truly,

satisfied with my haircut,

and now if I am dissatified,

I try to fix it,

I am accountable,

to me,

it’s just hair,

it grows back,

but, I like it just so.

September makes me happy,

September makes me sad,

September evokes memories,

September is about change,

I used to fear change,

I no longer do,

I don’t always spontaneously,

embrace it,

but, I know it is inevitable,

and ultimately from change,

comes growth.

Have a great weekend friends.

Later girls,

BB

• 

In the last 20 months,

we have all been through,

so much.

I have been giving lots,

of thought lately.

What do I need to stay,

healthy,

physically,

to keep being strong,

mentally,

spiritually.

I am blessed,

more than many,

I have pretty robust health,

I have love and friendship,

that surrounds me.

I have a job,

I love,

a job that I believe,

makes a difference,

in lives.

I have a home,

I adore.

I am safe,

I am happy.

I have a relationship,

that brings me joy,

that grounds me,

and gives me wings.

Last year,

I lost my mother,

last year,

I took on too much,

last year,

I was vulnerable,

I needed to fill my time.

Last year,

I shared time with amazing,

people,

I grew,

I healed,

I learned to be me,

again,

we keep learning to be us over and over again, we change, we hurt, we grow, we love and are loved.

This year,

I will pull back,

from many of my activities,

this year,

I will work,

I will love,

my family,

my friends,

my lovely lady,

this year,

I will write.

I will probably blog,

quite a bit,

and,

I will write the stuff,

that bubbles in me,

the stuff I need time to retrieve.

I hope some of you,

will understand my pulling back.

I need to be,

I need to create.

Later girls,

BB