Bookish Butch

Earlier this Summer, prepping radishes

Hello everyone.

Hope you are all well.

Anyone who knows me,

knows,

I love to eat,

I am a rotund individual.

I also love to cook,

for people I love.

I guess you could say,

it is one of my love languages,

it is one of the ways I give love,

it is also one of the ways,

I have received love in my life.

Sweet memories,

my grand-maman’s vanilla cake,

my mom’s roast chicken,

my step grand-mothers’s tortes,

my cousin Eva’s stuffed cabbage,

my dad’s Saturday morning pancakes,

my friend Denise’s bread pudding…

If I had to pick a last meal,

it would be tough to pick,

among them.

I myself am a simple cook,

I love to make soup,

that I can share with my bestie.

I make simple apple cake.

When the Fall brings cooler weather,

I love to make one pot meals,

stews, chowders, and,

my favourite,

chicken with roasted veggetables,

I cut everything up,

I add herbs, olive oil,

some condiment variations,

tonight,

it’s a little ketchup and mustard,

next week it might be,

soy sauce or siracha.

Some potatoes, leeks, sweet potaoes,

Carrots.

Sometimes it’s cabbage and peppers.

Sometimes it’s sweet,

sometimes it’s savoury,

everything cooks,

together,

melds, mixes,

roasts.

It’s always good.

Mostly it’s chicken,

but it can be pork,

or sausages,

it could even be all,

veggie,

vegan even.

My mom used to love it,

with brown suggar,

sprinkled on top,

that would melt and brown,

Catherine and I don’t have,

as developed a sweet tooth.

Mom was a dessert lover,

a meal without dessert,

wasn’t really a meal…

in her opinion.

It’s been three years,

since she left us,

maybe, tonight,

I will sprinkle some brown sugar,

on top of the meal.

Have a wonderful weekend,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

Selfie of Catherine and I last August during the Pride festivities

In August of 2020,

I met Catherine,

we had been chatting for a bit,

on a dating website for people over 50,

Silver Singles.

I had been ‘dating’ someone else.

I add the quotation marks because it was a long distance relationship and we never actually met . I liked this person, a lot, she was smart, funny, intense, but it was becoming clear that we didn’t want the same things.

I liked Catherine from the first,

she was calm, centered, smart,

she was/is really funny,

nobody makes me laugh like her.

We went out 4 weeks in a row,

four dates.

Then my mom died,

I was dealing with stuff,

I was grieving,

things were complicated.

I didn’t know if embarking,

on a relationship,

was the way to go.

So, we took a break.

In the meantime,

my other relationship,

imploded.

I take full responsibility.

I made mistakes.

Mea Culpa.

I took the time to grieve,

my beloved mother.

I took the time,

to figure out what I wanted,

to figure out what I needed.

I didn’t want to repeat,

the same mistakes.

I didn’t want to keep,

sabotaging my relationships,

I wanted to be free,

to love and be loved.

I would occasionally reach out,

to Catherine,

an email, a text.

In May of 2021,

she reached out to me,

She invited me to an art gallery.

I went, I was delighted to go,

I barely cared what the show was.

Catherine asked me on a date!

She was still interested in me.

The rest as they say,

is history.

We are complimentary,

like blue and orange,

green and red.

We don’t really disagree,

ever,

I sometimes get a little heated,

in my political opinions etc,

she rarely does.

We aren’t the same,

we are complimentary,

we align.

She makes me laugh,

she exposes me to,

art, to new ideas, to music I have never heard.

She smiles, a lot, she doesn’t take things,

too seriously,

eventhough she is a serious person.

Catherine loves George,

for all his neediness and clingyness.

I thank the universe for her.

It was a long time coming,

it was worth the wait.

Be well you all,

keep enjoying your Summer.

Later girls,

BB

Today is mom’s birthday.

She would have been 83.

It has been almost 3 years,

since,

mom,

passed away.

I miss her.

Marthe,

is around,

in my apartment,

her photo,

her things,

her influence on my library,

on my life.

Recently,

I had a print framed.

I found it,

in a cardboard tube,

at the back of the closet.

It depicts,

the porch,

of an old rural house,

it seems to be autumn.

I don’t know where and when,

she bought it.

Was she with my aunt,

or with this friend of hers,

who hurt her deeply.

I don’t know,

I could ask my aunt,

I suppose but,

it doesn’t really matter.

Marthe,

obviously liked it enough,

to buy it.

It hangs in my hallway,

and I can see it when,

I sit in my chair,

reading or watching tv.

The print looks great.

I am happy, I am healthy.

My home is warm and calm,

Catherine is a treasure,

all is well with me.

As long as,

I breathe,

you will not be forgotten.

I love mom.

Je t’aime maman.

Ta Caroline

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

I hope all is well with you.

It has been ten days since,

my birthday.

I have been working on,

life changes.

For the last eight days,

I have been doing,

chair yoga.

I want to stretch,

and build strenght,

but, I do not want,

to hurt myself.

I have also,

noticed that carbs,

which I love,

make me very sluggish.

I have cut back on them,

drastically.

I am trying intermittent fasting.

I have gained weight,

in the past three years,

and I want to get rid of,

what I gained and,

a little more.

I have set a goal.

I do not want,

to develop diabetes,

I do not want to,

face heart issues.

I want buying clothes,

that fit to be a more,

pleasurable experience.

I do not hate myself,

for being a big person.

I am not doing it,

to feel more,

attractive,

if I do, bonus.

I have a wonderful woman,

in my life,

who looks at me,

like I am gorgeous,

looks at me like I am,

fascinating,

looks at me with,

love.

I doubt Catherine,

will find me more,

lovable,

but, if she does,

bonus!

I am sharing this with you all,

because,

it kind of holds me,

accountable,

and that is a good thing.

A Summer of goals,

a Summer of working towards,

a healthier, sveltier,

me.

Take care of yourselves.

Later girls,

BB

The view from my desk

Good morning everyone.

I am taking a tea break,

and thought I would,

blog.

Yesterday, was my birthday,

I turned 58.

It was a lovely day,

a Monday.

The sun shone,

the wind blew,

there were some clouds,

but, yes,

a beautiful day.

I had breakfast with,

my friends and neighbours,

I received lovely presents.

I had a nice time at a special event,

with my former colleagues.

I have two lunch invites this week,

and on the weekend,

Catherine and I will celebrate,

so it is going to be a birthday week!

Woo hoo!

One of the things that has changed,

in the last year, or so,

I have stopped referring to myself,

as black thumbed.

A lovely couple I know,

was moving last spring

and giving away,

plants, so I took a few,

they lived!

A green thumbed friend,

gave me some plants,

for my birthday,

gave me,

careful care instructions,

and helped me transplant.

I now have plants,

in my bedroom, my office,

and the bathroom,

they are thriving,

they are lush,

and they have helped me grow.

I no longer think of myself,

as a plant killer,

I have joined the ranks,

of plant caregivers, lovers.

I am not an accomplished,

gardener…yet,

maybe, someday.

Along with plants,

and painting,

a new job,

the love of a marvelous woman,

the caring and generousity,

of friends,

of community.

It has been an amazing year.

Thank you, life

Gracias a la Vida!

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

The soon to be 58 year old

Hello everyone,

I trust you are all well.

It’s been a minute,

as the kids say,

well I think that’s what they say, what do I know I ain’t no kid, but I do watch You Tube lol

I have been busy and preoccupied,

also, happy,

none of which usually leads to,

good blogging.

But, today is a glorious day,

and it is Friday May 12 th,

in 3 days,

I will turn 58.

To say this hasn’t been,

praying on my mind,

would be a lie.

My father died,

when he was 58,

I look like my father,

I have his grey hair,

his smile,

and also his propensity,

for melancoly and,

his girth,

Oxford defines Girth as:

1. the measurement around the middle of something, especially a person’s waist

I carry my weight in the gut,

it is plain to see.

But, you know,

I don’t have a helluvah a lot,

to complain about,

I am loved,

I love,

I have fun,

I do work I like,

I am blessed.

I am no longer young,

but, I am far from old,

and I will keep on loving,

and learning new things,

if you don’t use it,

you lose it.

Using your brain,

is essential to,

staying young,

staying healthy.

I used to read much more,

but since,

the advent of social media,

I read less.

I am not saying I don’t,

learn stuff from,

Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok,

I do but, it is like,

TV,

passive,

I don’t retain,

I don’t engage,

and for me and ,

my brain,

function,

that is not good.

So, I took Tik Tok off my devices,

and I think Instagram,

might be next.

All of the platforms,

have adopted these,

short formats,

which are highly addictive,

and,

for me,

contribute nothing,

to my knowledge and growth.

I find my attention span,

shrinking,

I find that I have become,

intellectually lazier,

and easily distracted,

and that is no buono.

I read less,

I engage with people,

and nature less,

and,

that isn’t what I want.

I will be reading more,

physical books,

I will be blogging,

because I love it,

but, also,

journaling,

not on my phone or my laptop,

but with pen and paper,

to keep those muscles,

alive,

to help me reflect,

without all the noise.

I want to paint more,

and look ahead,

to what I will do,

when I retire.

As I am about to enter,

my 59th year,

these things have been,

on my mind.

Do you all worry,

about what social media,

is doing to your brain?

Or do you all,

have more willpower,

than me? lol.

Be well, enjoy the Spring.

Later girls,

BB

Hello All!

Hope you are well.

It’s Spring, the sky is blue,

the wind is still cold,

we might get snow,

but…

it’s Spring.

It feels good,

looking forward to,

walking around town,

this weekend,

with my girl,

maybe a museum visit,

lunch downtown.

The thing with Spring is,

even when it is,

cold, windy, rainy,

you know,

the end is near.

The women I love,

the most are both born,

Spring,

my girlfriend, my best friend,

my mom was in early June,

still Spring.

I love Spring,

mostly because,

I am sick of the,

cold and dark.

Bring on the light!

I have had trouble,

reading since,

the beginning of 2023.

It took me forever to,

get through,

Mel Brooks autobiography,

which I actually liked.

I have read tons of reports,

I read the Saturday papers,

magazines…

but books,

have been challenging.

This week in no time,

at all,

before bed and with,

my morning tea,

I read,

Rebent Sinner by,

Ivan Coyote,

funny, touching,

they have such a,

strong, yet gentle voice.

Can’t recommend enough,

fabulous.

I co founded a book club,

last year,

with some friends,

the objective was to,

add to our,

collective understanding,

of Quebec society,

through different cultural prisms.

It has been wonderful,

and is still going strong.

I was having trouble,

concentrating on reading,

so I left it in very capable hands.

One of my reading objectives,

was finally tackling,

Proust.

I can’t seem to read it in,

French,

don’t know why.

So, I am doing a,

buddy read with my,

friend, Ken,

in April.

We will be reading,

and discussing,

Swann’s Way.

I have acquired,

a Yale University annotated version.

I am only about 30 pages in,

but, I love it,

I am letting the words,

wash over me.

I might manage to read,

book 2 or 3 in,

French,

it is my aim.

The new job is,

challenging and,

keeping me busy,

and I am,

painting pretty regularly.

Things are good,

and will get better,

as the warm weather,

arrives.

George is looking forward,

to open windows,

I know how he feels.

Be well everyone.

Let me know,

what you are reading,

and take good care,

of yourselves and each other.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

today it is Spring!

I am anxious for,

the snow to melt,

we still have some,

here in my beautiful ugly,

and some might still fall.

But, Spring it is!

The light is more…

bright,

the light is…

more.

March 21 st 1997,

my dad passed away,

suddenly and brutally.

Massive heart attack,

it was his third.

He was 58 years old.

My father and I,

had a difficult relationship,

from my teen years on.

He was in many ways,

a difficult man.

But, now that I have lived,

almost as many years as he did,

I will be 58 years old in May,

I think I understand him more,

his choices, his demons,

his trauma.

My childhood was very different,

from his,

my mother was very different,

from his.

I am pretty sure he would agree,

that meeting my mother,

was the luckiest thing,

that ever happened to him,

and that marrying her,

was the smartest decision,

he ever made.

When I was a little girl,

my dad was big and strong,

he was gentle and affectionate.

As I grew older,

his demons, past traumas,

whatever you want to call them,

took over,

and he made a series of,

bad choices.

Our family,

was never the same again.

Thank God for my mother,

my strong, hard working,

unflinchingly loyal,

mother.

I was in my early thirties,

when my father died,

we had mostly,

dealt with our baggage.

Now when I think of him,

it is mostly the good times,

I remember.

He loved my mother,

he loved me,

and he was far from perfect,

but, he loved us the best way,

he knew how.

I don’t know if my parents,

are reunited,

and I hope that if they are,

it is the best, most fun,

and passionate part of,

their relationship.

I hope you are resting in peace, dad.

Be well, everyone.

Get out feel the cold but warming air,

Spring is here!

Later girls,

BB

Good morning everyone.

I was up, early,

before the sun,

which isn’t really a big deal at this time of year,

still,

I didn’t have to get up at 6,

I work from home,

it’s a short commute.

I had lots roaming,

around,

my brain,

no matter how many notes,

I take, or post its,

I leave on my computer,

they’re always seems to be stuff,

that wakes me and says,

“hey you have to sign up for that, you have to renew that…”

and when it’s a new job,

with new skills to learn,

people to meet,

places to go,

well it’s more,

preoccupying.

I am certainly,

not complaining,

I love new challenges,

and a stimulated brain,

is a healthy brain.

I’m taking a few minutes,

before I hop in the shower.

Emails are done,

the thing that woke me,

is done.

I had a lovely weekend.

Catherine and I went to,

the theater on Sunday,

a matinee,

the play was good,

not exceptional,

but, the seats were great,

I love live shows,

and I was there with the best company,

happy sigh.

Afterwards,

we went to Mandy’s,

and had a smoothy,

sort of a re-creation,

of our first date in phase 2.

You see I met Catherine,

in August 2020,

we had 4 dates in a month,

and then my mother died.

We kept in touch,

but sporadically,

it was a tough time for me.

But after I moved in April of 2021,

she asked me out,

on a date,

we went to a weird,

art exhibit,

but, I didn’t care,

I was with her,

and she treated me,

to a smoothie,

a Date Me smoothie,

it has dates and peanut butter among other things, it’s delicious

and that was the day I knew,

I could really love this woman.

I have been happy in my life,

but, this is the happiest,

I have ever been.

I know me,

I am loved and love,

without conflict,

without demons.

To be clear,

I have demons,

everyone does,

but, they aren’t about,

my relationship.

We love each other,

without tension,

without expectations,

we love without wanting,

to change each other,

without compromise.

This is the happiest time of my life,

my friend, Ken,

is fond of quoting Kurt Vonnegut-

‘If This isn’t nice, I don’t know what is”

Have a great day you all,

appreciate the rare gifts in your life,

and definitely appreciate,

the nice,

it’s all around us,

hot tea, blue sky,

a good laugh,

the love of your loved ones.

Later girls,

BB

Well here it is,

Blog post 1000!

I have thought about what to write.

I have thought about,

how many people,

see,

writing a blog,

a public journal if you will,

as,

self indulgent.

I suppose it is.

But, I have learned,

a few things,

because of this blog.

The most important,

of these, is, that,

when I write about,

my thoughts,

my feelings,

they become,

clearer,

this blog helps me “talk”,

through things.

Many people over the life,

of this blog,

have written to me,

privately,

to share how,

it brings them a certain,

clarity as well,

that to me is a big bonus.

I started writing this blog in 2010,

March 28 th to be exact.

I started it,

at the suggestion of,

a guy who used to come to my store.

I have lost touch with him.

Mike was/is his name.

He thought people might,

enjoy my opinions on,

books, movies, culture,

life in general.

It took me a while,

to find my voice,

my cadence.

It became much more,

than opinions to me.

It became a shared,

record of my,

journey.

I met people,

both virtually,

and in person,

thanks to my blog.

I have had a relationship,

romantic relationship,

with two women,

that I ‘met’,

through the blog.

The readership has,

ebbed and flowed,

over these thirteen years.

In 2010,

I still had my bookshop,

with no intention of changing that,

in 2010,

my mom was very much alive,

so was my friend Francoys,

my cat was a lovely little blonde,

named Dude, sigh.

I had no love relationship,

I smoked,

drank way too much coffee,

loved what I did,

was poor.

I lived with my mother,

not much privacy.

Today,

my hair is,

grey,

much more grey.

I am more outwardly butch,

inwardly probably,

less,

than I was in 2010.

My bookstore is no more,

I have just started a new job.

My mom,

is gone,

but, not forgotten.

so is Francoys,

my anarchist friend

I miss them.

I have a flat I adore,

I love the photo I took right before I moved in, so much I made the thumbnail for my blog.

I live really close,

same building,

as my best friend,

and her mother who is a good friend.

I have a big ginger cat,

who is sweet,

George,

and of course,

there is Catherine,

happy sigh.

2020 was a hard ass year,

for all of us.

I lost my mother.

But, 2020 was also the year,

I started a new type of work,

and the year I met, Catherine.

Life is good.

This blog has seen me through,

the closing of the bookstore,

the death of my friend,

the end of two relationships,

quitting smoking,

major and minor surgery,

my mom’s stroke,

my mom’s death.

It has also seen,

joy,

falling in love,

new challenges,

moving,

starting over,

a few times,

it sees me now,

a 57 year old butch,

greyer,

more sure of myself,

than ever before.

Loving and loved by,

an amazing woman,

surrounded by friends.

happy sigh.

I worry less,

I drink tea,

now,

and I realize,

that life is short,

and precious,

I love better,

I accept love,

easier.

I have grown,

the blog has been,

a help in that,

growth.

I will probably continue,

the blog,

but, for now,

I have lots of work to do.

Be well everyone,

thanks for reading.

Later girls,

BB