Hope is a moral obligation

It’s cold, very cold,

I’m down,

dark place,

not pitch black,

but,

dark,

I’m trying,

to see the light,

I’m trying to not let,

the dark drag me down,

it’s hard,

hope is not easily discernible,

in bitterly cold,

gloomy dark,

January.

I know that many of you,

must feel this way,

I often,

not to say,

always,

feel this way in January.

But, this year,

comes with extras,

the realisation that what I have been,

desperately,

holding on to,

keeping above my head,

is terminal,

and,

must be humanely,

put out of it’s misery.

I know this intellectually,

and,

also,

now,

in my heart.

It is a hard thing to realise,

to accept,

that changing means,

of reading,

a hard economy,

and,

undoubtedly,

my own weaknesses and failures,

mean that I will have to,

close down,

my bookshop.

Hard, very hard.

The prospect of liquidation,

cleaning up the debris,

and,

starting something,

new,

again,

seems like Mount Everest,

and,

it will have to be done.

I feel sad,

I feel weak,

I feel a failure,

I feel like I’ve let,

others,

and,

myself down.

My mother has been there for me,

as have my friends and loved ones,

but,

I can’t tell them all,

how wounded and crushed,

I feel.

It isn’t fair to them,

and,

they’ll all try and find,

solutions,

and,

ways of encouraging me.

The fact is,

I know that it must be done,

and,

that I shouldn’t take it personal,

but,

the failure of an endeavour,

in which you have invested,

so much time,

money,

sacrificed and scrimped,

laid down your blood and guts,

for-

is personal,

how can it not be?

So in the past few days,

in an effort,

to calm my seething anger,

and,

blue blue mood,

I’ve tried to read,

but,

I can’t really concentrate,

I’ve listened to music,

whined to mom,

but,

on Saturday night,

I found something that helped.

I listened to an interview,

the brilliant Tony Kushner,

gave to Eleanor Wachtel,

she is the host of a CBC radio show,

called,

Writers & Company.

He made me laugh,

he made me think,

he made me realise,

something,

that I had never,

realised,

and,

yet,

fervently,

believed,

that’s what great writers do, sometimes, they seem to take the muddled crap that lives in your head and heart and give it, words, give it shape.

He was discussing how in spite,

of the children of Reagan,

still controlling the house,

and,

poisoning the political discourse,

in the U.S,

he still had hope.

not optimism,

hope.

Because,

Hope is a moral obligation, hope is not just a feeling state, it’s a decision, it’s a choice…It is imperative that we search for occasions of hope…Despair is excrutiating but, easier. Hope propells you into a more uncomfortable place-( I paraphrase but, that is the gist of it)

Now,

I know that Tony Kushner,

was referring to a broader topic,

than the very narrow,

feeling of failure,

that engulfs me,

presently,

and,

yet,

it applies,

hope is a moral obligation,

for a thinking, feeling human being,

it must be,

and,

it is.

We owe it to ourselves,

we owe it to the future,

personal and collective.

Life goes on.

My health is good,

I have a wonderful bunch of,

supportive people all around me,

both real and virtual,

who listen and I think,

believe.

They all choose to hope as well.

and,

the future,

awaits.

Thanks for reading girls,

I can’t promise,

that there won’t be some whining over,

the next little while,

as I go through,

the process, the transformation,

but,

I promise,

I will remain,

hopeful

🙂

Later girls,

BB