A week of good days

Hello all,

hope the late Spring is,

bringing you,

joy and sunshine.

In the past month,

I turned fifty,

my mom turned seventy-five,

that’s a a lot of years between us

:-)

Life is good,

I am recovered,

pretty much,

100 percent,

and,

I am taking the time to,

smell the lilacs and drink some tea.

I have found in the last,

little while,

that coffee makes me more,

anxious,

than it used to,

so now I have coffee in the morning,

and,

after noon,

I drink tea,

I love it,

I am a convert.

There are,

I think,

a couple of reasons for tea,

first off,

I have no cigarette associations,

(you all know I quit smoking a few months ago, right?)

with tea,

secondly,

when I was in the hospital,

recovering,

the first few days,

I had a tray with liquids,

the only thing I genuinely,

enjoyed,

that brought me comfort,

was tea,

even in it’s tepid state.

I could be mistaken,

but, tea makes me more,

mellow,

and,

that is definitely a good thing.

Maybe the Brits can,

cropped-keep-calm-and-carry-on.jpg

because they consume copious amounts of tea.

Maybe?

I am gearing up,

for a smooth, quiet  Summer,

when I am most mellow,

I come up with my best

ideas, plans,

creative and next path wise.

So I will,

drink tea,

read books, listen to,

Bach and Glass,

soak up the sun,

spend time with friends,

family,

my girl, my mom,

my cat,

and,

work and play,

and,

hopefully at the end of most days,

I will say,

today was a good day.

Big butchy hug to all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

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Lilacs and cream tea

I’ve been fifty a little over a week now,

so far it has been,

pretty wonderful.

I have been spoiled and cherished.

Lunches, brunches, dinners and teas.

Life is good,

the future looks bright.

Now, if I could only get my neighbours to stop screaming…

My friend Renaud and I,

who I affectionately refer to as kid, anyone under twenty-five is a kid,

are working on songs, writing songs,

it is very pleasant and creatively enriching.

He took this pic of me,

yesterday,

while we were having tea,

Earl Grey Cream, in case you are interested :-).

he liked it right away,

said I looked dignified,

not sure about dignified,

but,

I do like that it captures me,

relaxed, happy,

warts and all,

that thing on my lip isn’t a wart but, sun blister and all doesn’t sound the same.

I thought I would share it,

with you all,

DSC_3134

and,

tell you,

those of you looking at,

fifty,

coming up on you,

fast or slow,

it’s fine,

truly.

Lilacs and cream tea.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

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Not ‘gonna be’, am

Today is the day,

I turn ….

fifty,

that’s right girls,

the big 5-0,

no Hawai in sight

:-)

Can’t you just hear the theme song??

ear worm!!!

 

All joking aside,

I have been telling everyone,

for a year,

at least

😛

I’m gonna be fifty,

and now,

I am.

Feels good,

don’t feel old,

feel like I have an exciting,

chapter of my life,

beginning.

Since they removed my alien,

I feel ,

great,

better,

than I have in years.

The improved body image,

is also a big part of that,

and,

not to be underestimated.

Big week,

the first anniversary of the death,

of my dear friend,

my anarchist,

it isn’t easier living without him,

but,

I feel grateful to have had him,

as a friend,

and confidante,

and,

after my surgery and recovery,

and,

the realization of the extent of my luck,

not everyone is as lucky(:

I feel great,

truly,

and I hear,

fifty is the new thirty,

woo hoo,

bring it on,

Happy Birthday from me,

to me.

 

Later girls,

BB

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Back to work!

Hello you all,

keeping well,

I trust.

My convalescence is over,

back to work today.

:-)

It will be good to get back,

to a  routine.

I will still be working,

part time,

a little,

under twenty hours a week.

I was very tired before,

even at twenty hours a week,

so,

I need some time,

to evaluate,

my level of energy, fitness, etc,

before I take on another job,

and/or projects.

The alien that was removed,

this is how I refer to what was my gigantic fibroid, and if you had seen it you might refer to it that way, too.

was,

sucking me dry,

energy wise,

but,

it’s gone now,

hallelujah!!

and, now,

I build up reserves,

of strength,

of creativity.

I find the next road,

I’m pretty sure,

I know where it is,

but,

I also need,

a decent source of income,

to help me finance,

the future.

So, I predict a Summer of,

work, reading, photography, thinking,

communing with nature

absorbing vitamin D,

and,

going…

forward.

Got three books going at once,

right now,

will give you some idea of what I think of them,

on the weekend.

Be well,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

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The 15 % minority

Spring has sprung,

the ole butch,

is slimmer,

than…

well,

I don’t remember,

when.

:-)

I have read a little,

since my last post,

making my way through,

a romance novel,

my love,

sent me for convalescence,

I am also,

working my way through,

Siegfried Sassoon’s -Memoirs of An Infantry Officer,

one is about a brave lady knight,

and,

the other is about an honest man,

a poet,

‘telling’ what the war really did to men.

Still slow going,

the reading.

I am walking more and more,

everyday,

should be back to work,

within the next three weeks.

The healing process,

goes on,

remarkably well,

I was/am so lucky,

in my robust health,

and,

in not having a serious illness,

a major surgery,

but,

not a life altering illness,

really lucky.

It would seem,

that along with being,

of the minority,

who,

grows fibroids of,

the mega variety,

I ain’t whistling dixie there my friends, we are talking almost 25 pounds, yup, you read that right!

I am also of the minority,

maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, might be tempting faith:-)

fifteen percent minority,

of women who go through,

menopause,

without hot flashes.

Not a one,

no night sweats,

nothin’.

My surgery was seven weeks ago,

I had been pretty much,

in menopause,

eight or nine months previous,

but,

with the hysterectomy,

I was in menopause,

surgical menopause.

I have had no hot flashes,

but,

oh my,

the mood swings,

I’ve had them for years,

they seemed to be,

getting better last year,

but,

now,

they are back with a vengeance.

When they happen,

I am hard to take,

really hard to take.

I am  a gifted practitioner of the understatement

Good thing I am as charming,

as I am,

the rest of the time,

because when the mood swings are at their,

height,

I am unbearable.

I jest,

but,

honestly,

it isn’t really funny,

and,

these are things that need to be,

talked about,

demystified,

etc.

From what I hear,

the mood swings are better,

than the flashes,

we bear what we must.

I do not wish to excuse my moods,

nor am I proud of them,

I try to control them,

hold on,

breathe,

deeply,

and,

hope they will pass,

and,

that when they do,

my friends,

my mother,

and,

my girl,

will still be speaking to me.

 

Minority, marginal,

that’s me,

and,

that’s ok.

It is my road,

it is my voice.

“I haven’t had much to say, lately”

I told my young friend,

Renaud,

when we were walking by the river,

on Sunday,

“then, maybe you should make others say things, have characters talk and say’.

He’s a smart guy,

astute, sensitive,

wise beyond his years.

I told him,

I didn’t write fiction,

that my character,

was,

basically,

an alter ego,

BB,

was/is,

me,

a little braver and funnier.

That I was,

more,

a columnist,

a memoirist,

but,

as we walked,

along the river,

I began to see what he meant,

that there were,

lots of voices,

clamoring,

that,

perhaps,

the constant,

cacophony in my head,

could be silenced,

through giving,

voice,

to all those,

voices,

we shall see.

Be well,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

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When you start to get bored…you must be feeling better

I am feeling better and better,

everyday.

I am feeling good enough,

to start feeling bored.

I would like to get out,

more.

I do get out,

but,

it’s been cold,

and,

Montreal is the land,

of,

the treacherous,

sidewalk,

so I must be careful,

slipping and falling,

is not really an option.

Makes photography opportunities,

limited as well, but,

Spring will come,

it always does.

I need to be patient,

with myself,

with the process and my body.

I am recovering from a serious,

operation,

I am healing well.

Now,

that I feel more comfortable,

sitting,

walking,

sleeping,

now,

that I don’t live with the anxiety of,

possible infection etc,

now that I am recovering from,

obsessive mode

:-)

I should be able to start,

Reading books.

Reading in  book form,

both,

fiction and non-fiction,

has been,

a problem for me,

was hard to find,

a comfortable position to read in,

I have managed since the second week,

to sit at my desk for short periods,

that have gradually stretched out.

So computer reading and writing,

I have managed,

a little.

I stumbled on this site called,

longreads.com,

the best longform stories on the web,

it’s fabulous,

curates articles, essays,

from magazines, newspapers, websites,

check it out,

so mostly non-fiction and plowing my way,

through Meditations by Marcus Aurelius,

my pile of fiction,

serious and otherwise,

awaits.

and,

I have,

an objective of about twenty books read,

by the time I go back to work,

I still have five weeks of recovery.

I feel confident I will make it,

the body is better,

now I need to,

stimulate,

feed,

entertain,

the mind.

:-)

Today is March 27 th,

today is my anarchist’s birthday.

A year ago,

he was in Nunavut,

visiting his son and daughter in law,

celebrating his birthday.

The anarchist didn’t really believe,

in celebrating birthdays,

exchanging gifts etc,

but,

he believed in making people,

happy.

I had no money for a present,

plus,

he was a man who didn’t need,

much,

I decided I would write,

an ode to him,

to our friendship,

in the most public,

yet,

respectful fashion,

I could think of,

I wrote a blog post,

http://bookishbutch.com/?p=4286

and,

I sent him the link in a happy birthday email.

He wrote me a beautiful email,

it touched him,

that made me very happy.

Six weeks later,

my friend was dead.

(:

I am so glad I wrote that blog post,

that even if he knew,

what our friendship meant to me,

this ode clearly witnessed,

a,

deep love and admiration.

I miss him,

still,

I imagine it will be always,

but,

as he would say,

life goes on and life is beautiful,

and,

it is,

truly.

Be well,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

….

 

 

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recouping dreams

Last night,

I dreamt that,

Barbra Streisand and I,

were,

chatting,

just chatting,

like old friends,

on the phone,

I know,

it sounds ridiculous,

but,

I woke up,

with a smile on my face.

:-)

My dreams have been,

difficult of late,

bloody and painful,

even,

and,

a silly dream about,

someone,

who,

I only ‘know’ because,

she is famous,

made me feel,

good,

comfortable,

I woke with a smile,

and,

that is wonderful.

My recovery has been,

excellent,

things are moving along,

on,

or,

ahead of,

schedule,

I am healing.

My scar looks better,

everyday,

my pain improves,

everyday,

the pain isn’t bad,

more discomfort than pain,

I feel stronger and less tired,

too.

Seems to me I have been tired,

for years.

My body image has also,

vastly improved,

lose a fibroid the size,

of a soccer ball,

and,

two others,

not much smaller,

and,

you’ve got a vastly reduced,

gut.

A smaller gut,

even if it looks – funny, at this point, a bit like a deflated balloon,

is still a smaller gut,

I’ve ‘dreamt’ of a smaller gut,

for years,

and now,

I have it,

it makes me feel better,

about myself,

my looks,

and,

recouping my dreams,

from the realm of,

bloody miscarriages,

and,

surgeries,

does too.

I feel pretty good you all,

middle of the road to,

recovery,

all is well.

Later girls,

BB

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’tis done

Hello you all,

it’s nice to be back,

sitting at my desk.

Well,

I had my surgery,

two weeks ago,

yesterday,

and,

it went,

well.

You hear,

all kinds of stories,

and,

lots of people,

try to scare you,

about surgery,

and,

the healthcare system,

most people,

are supportive,

and,

tell you,

everything,

is going to be alright.

You need to listen to,

yourself,

inform,

yourself,

and,

at one point,

trust that all will be ok.

I was plenty scared,

kind of shitless,

in fact.

They called me,

the day before the surgery,

I had to get there for 3 pm,

I was real nervous,

the night before,

I didn’t really sleep,

in spite of a mild tranquillizer,

but,

the next morning,

when they came to get me,

when they wheeled,

my bed down,

the hallway,

that’s  a unique perspective for you, never experienced that form of locomotion before and it is kind of freaky, early morning quiet and time stands still sort of thing, but, with motion, impossible to explain, well for me, anyway.

and,

then passed me off,

to the operating room,

personel,

I felt calm,

I felt like I was in,

the hands,

of true and caring,

professionals,

and,

I ‘knew’ all would be well.

At no time,

did anyone treat me,

with anything but,

respect.

They respected my intelligence,

by answering my questions,

and,

never talking down to me,

they were fabulous,

before,

and,

after,

and from what I can,

surmise,

during,

as well.

I was under the influence,

of some very powerful drugs,

during the operation,

which lasted 4 hours,

if ever you are offered an epidural as an option, take it

and,

was quite complex,

they removed,

all my lady parts,

as well,

as three giant fibroids,

giant is the appropriate word.

Let me put it this way,

I dropped over twenty pounds,

from the surgery,

and uteruses and stuff,

barely weigh,

anything,

so you do the math

:-)

This is a good thing,

not only will I be healthier,

as a result,

of having these aliens,

removed,

but,

I will also be quasi svelte,

life is,

good.

I’m doing well,

you all,

I am gently walking,

the road to recovery.

Just wanted you all to know.

I was so scared,

but,

at the end of the line…

well,

it was ok.

Some people are fighting real,

life and death battles,

my thing,

wasn’t nearly that,

serious,

and,

for this I count,

myself,

lucky.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

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Waiting

I have spent the last,

month,

of deep freeze, polar vortex,

in the house,

waiting for a call,

from the hospital.

I’ve had my pre ops,

tests, info, probing and prodding.

I’ve given up smoking.

13 days and counting,

and,

still,

I wait.

It’s hard to get out,

it’s so damn cold,

I mean really cold,

not wussy cold,

friggin’ cold,

burn through your clothes,

cold.

I have to be careful,

money wise,

count the pennies,

I have to keep,

strong,

positive,

for the surgery,

I am going,

mental,

loca,

everyday,

I think today is the day,

they are going to call,

I am going to get a date,

for the surgery.

and then I’ll wait for the surgery…

and then I’ll wait to see,

if it’s more serious than the fibroids…

and then I will wait ’til I am strong enough,

again.

Waiting,

it’s all about,

waiting,

times like these,

I wish I was a believer,

I wish I could find solace,

in the words of the bible,

or the Milton quote,

in his poem On His Blindness:

They also serve who only stand and wait.”

but, I don’t,

I know I must wait,

I am resigned to it,

I wait,

no choice,

but,

it’s hard,

my life,

where it will go,

and,

when,

it’s very hard,

to think,

to concentrate,

to breathe deep,

to stay Zen,

but,

I must,

I do,

I will.

I wish Francoys was around,

I wish I could have a smoke,

I wish it would hurry up,

and,

happen,

already,

but,

in between,

the wishing and the freaking,

I’ll just keep,

waiting.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

 

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Giving up…the ‘evil’ weed

Good morning you all.

Ok,

so you all know,

I am having surgery,

and,

on Friday,

I had my pre op tests,

all is good,

but,

they convinced me,

I have to give up,

smoking,

at least a week before,

surgery,

and,

while in the hospital,

I won’t be able to smoke,

either.

This is a big deal for me,

huge.

I am a smoker.

You know how some people,

are,

chocolate people,

some people,

drink,

I am a smoker,

I have been,

for all of my adult life,

all of it.

It didn’t used to be,

such a big deal,

lots of people used to smoke,

but,

nowadays,

you smoke,

you are a pariah,

all your qualities,

as a human being,

are questioned,

because,

you smoke!!

It seems to be,

the most disgusting habit,

anyone can have,

personally, I think, judging people is worse but, that’s me

in public and media perception,

smoking is slightly better than,

thievery,

but,

only slightly.

I am not giving up,

smoking because,

of public perception,

or social pressure,

if ,

I felt those pulls,

I would have given it up,

years ago,

no,

I am giving it up,

because the pre op nurse,

made a good case,

how,

not smoking,

would,

be,

helpful for surgery,

better oxygen in the blood,

less risk of infection,

better recovery,

a good case,

not a judgemental one.

So, at the end of my morning,

when I met with an internist,

talk about judgmental, you know the type, just graduated, knows everything.

Anyway,

she gave me,

a prescription for nicotine gum,

told me it was free,

it’s not,

it’s partially covered by the government insurance plan.

All this to say,

tomorrow,

Monday the 9 th of February 2015,

I am giving up,

smoking,

I will remain a smoker,

but,

I won’t smoke,

it’s my informed decision.

I anticipate,

it being one of the hardest things,

I have ever done,

but,

do it,

I will.

and I just went public with it,

I am a smoker,

I just chose,

not to smoke,

anymore.

Later girls,

BB

 

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