Bookish Butch

Good morning all, hope you are well.
Happy, healthy and chill.
I have been on vacation for the past,
almost, two weeks,
I had a list of things I wanted,
to do and see, and I have managed most of it.

Caught up on some reading
made a few resolutions as far,
as reading is concerned,
more on that later.

Went to the museum,
went to the movies,
did some walking,
spent time with mom,
with friends.
Read two books,
shredded some papers.
Took lots of pictures,
went to parts of the city,
I don't normally frequent.
Got some air,
got some sun.
Watched a few seasons of,
Damages.

Mom and I went to the open air museum,
downtown, part of,
Montreal's 375 celebrations,
it was a lot of fun,
but mom had an accident,
she tripped on,
a foot traffic heavy,
hazard laden sidewalk,
could have happened to anyone.
She hurt her wrist,
a bad sprain and has been,
in pain for more than a week.
Ice and Aleve, rest,
it has healed well,
she is almost 100 percent.

My vacation was like...
life,
fun and frustrating,
scary and jubilant,
all at once,
the accident sucked,
and, there are many challenges,
in my life and of those around me,
but, mostly,
I don't have a whole lot,
to complain about.
Not having your dream job,
is not much to complain about,
in a world where people starve,
live in war torn constant fear,
don't know where their next meal,
will come from.
In a world where millions,
have no homes, have no future,
a world of pain and disease.

A few years ago,
when I had my surgery,
it was a big operation,
but, I was expected to make,
a full recovery,
I had no cancer,
after a few months,
convalescence,
all would be well.
It was hard, it was painful.
The last evening I was,
in the hospital,
my best bud was visiting,
she visited everyday I was there,
she helped me walk, very slowly,
and with an old lady stoop,
down the corridor.
I had been in the hospital,
for four days at this point,
but, hadn't walked out of my room.
I didn't have Cancer,
but, I was on a Cancer ward.
As we slowly made our way past,
people's rooms,
I could see many people,
obviously, in pain, despair,
people dying.
It gave me some perspective,
on my pain, my fear.

I made a promise to myself,
that evening, 
back in my bed sweating,
from the exertion,
and the over heated hospital room,
it was February after all.
I vowed to not complain,
over dumb ass things,
to reach for all the good,
I have in my life.

I haven't always succeeded,
but,
I try, hard.

I used to think,
surrounding yourself,
with smart people was,
important,
it is,
but, more important still,
surrounding yourself with,
kind people,
and at this stage of my life,
I would add,
people who try,
to see,
everyday,
just how lucky,
they-we are.

Be well you all,
enjoy the Summer.
Later girls,
BB

* I mentioned earlier some reading resolutions. I find in the past few years I have been reading less and spending more time on social media, I need to reverse that, I meed to see people more in person, when possible and to read more. While on vacation I have read 2 books and am almost finished a third. I have read at least 10 articles that had been lingering in my articles to read file on my laptop. Social media is great but, concentration and serious reading have to regain their place in my life.
I don't believe my path will be found on Face Book. So, resolutions, start every morning with 30 minutes of reading, a book. End everyday with 30 minutes of reading, a book- carry one with me, always- put away the phone, often. Try... and don't beat myself up when I fail, just try, again*

Hello all, hope the Summer,
has been good to you,
so far.
It's grey and muggy,
here in,
my beautiful ugly.

Today is the first day,
of the long weekend,
here in Quebec,
La St-Jean, la Fete Nationale.

I am hanging out,
drinking tea,
enjoying some solitude.
Have lots of,
social activity ,
coming up,
on the weekend.
Time with friends,
old and new.

This has been,
a week,
of reflection,
introspection,
and frustration.

I just noticed in,
preparing this post,
that it is the 800 Th.
Wow, that ain't nothing.
Been more than seven years,
since I started this blog.

Some people journal,
I blog.

I 'hear' that blogs,
have become,
a little bit,
passe.
Hmm,
I think I may have become,
a little bit,
passe.
I'm fine with that,
truly.

Weird, I keep searching,
for what it is,
I am looking for,
and yet,
I am mostly ok, 
with who I am.

I am.
neither young,
nor old.

I have people who love me,
I strive to learn new things,
everyday.
My health is pretty darn good,
and my mind quite sharp.

I have more confidence,
in my abilities,
than I ever have before.

I realize that by,
conventional society,
standards,
I am not very,
successful.

I have no money,
no career,
no car,
no house.
I have no marriage,
I have no children.

I like comfort,
I like exploring for meaning,
I like to spend time with people,
I like to walk,
I like to talk,
a lot
I like to do,
what I want to do. 
I have no real ambition,
in a standard sense of the term.

But, I am lucky,
might even say,
blessed.
I have received many,
kindnesses,
in my life,
from loved ones,
and relative strangers.

I have had some difficult,
passages,
and have weathered some,
better than others,
grief is particularly,
challenging,
for me.

As I have gotten older,
I don't bounce back,
quite like I used to-
But, since I am not,
a rubber ball..
That's ok.

I tend to not lie to myself,
about how everything is fine,
anymore.
I face difficulties,
more than I used to,
I know the consequences of burying hurt
sometimes with drama,
and panic,
but, more and more,
with real emotion,
and I hope, reason.

I do trust in the future,
I have faith,
it ebbs and flows,
but,
I really do believe,
in the inherent goodness,
of people.
But, I also find my,
bullshit detector,
to be,
pretty strong.

I appreciate sincerity,
and earnestness so much,
even when it is,
to the point,
of naivete.
I have less and less,
respect for snark and sarcasm.
I have also learned that,
some smiles and honey tones,
hide,
bad things.
and that some of the,
gruffest people are also the,
kindest.

I am who I am.
Neither young,
nor old.
Far from perfect.

Occasionally,
I am shallow, superficial,
unkind, weak,
but,
I work at improving,
and at not beating myself up.

Every day I pray to be kinder,
to be more patient,
with people,
with their foibles,
with me and my...limits.

Last night,
I was watching a,
television show ,
the Big C,
with Laura Linney,
and Oliver Platt.
I love both of them.
At one point,
Platt's character,
Paul,
Linney's husband in the show,
says to their couples therapist,
'she is a a ten and I am a four,
or between a four and a six,
on a good day'.

I loved that,
I feel that way about this stage,
of my life,
it's between a four and a six,
some parts are tens,
some parts are twos,
but, on the whole,
no complaints

:-)
Thank you, all for
being there.
Be well.

Later girls,
BB

Good day you all,
hope you are all well.
I am,
well, that is :-)
I have made some,
changes in my life.

I asked for a raise,
at my crappy job,
the manager,
hemmed and hawed and,
said, well, you know,
she couldn't make,
any promises,
and if there was something,
it wouldn't be much, 
bla bla bla.
So, I left her office,
I decided, 
that evening,
while working,
that I would give notice,
I did,
this is my last week.

I take next week off,
vacation time,
rest and relaxation,
the week after that I find,
a new job.

This change has been,
a long time coming.
Time to move on.

When I first took this job,
I needed it, 
it was a transition job.
It allowed me to go from,
the closing of my bookstore,
and then,
the death of my anarchist,
through some health issues.
Through griefs,
and rebuilding,
my confidence,
my health,
my life.
For that I will always be grateful.

It was a perfect job,
for me,
it didn't require too much,
of me,
and I was very good at it,
I talked to people,
which I love.
The thing with me,
and, 
I suspect most people,
I want a job that requires,
my brain, my personality,
my strengths,
I don't want a job,
that will suck out,
my life force,
or that exhausts me,
or one where I am,
disrespected.

At this point,
I feel like paying me,
minimum wage,
is disrespecting me.
I am worth,
more than that,
figuratively and literally.

I may take another,
in between job,
but what I really want,
is one that uses,
my people skills,
my communication skills,
that pays me a living wage.

I want to grow and help others,
to grow,
in whatever way I can.

Change is inevitable,
and in this case,
required,
and most especially,
sought out.

more to come, soon.

Be well you all
Later girls,
BB

Hello all,
hope you are all well.
It is early afternoon,
in my beautiful ugly.
Mom has gone visiting,
for a few days.
I am sitting at the computer, 
having partaken of some delicious,
homemade vegetable soup,
added some leftover yams,
to the mix, yum.

Normally, at this time,
on a Wednesday,
I would be,
getting off,
the metro(subway),
walking towards,
the adult education center,
where I volunteer. 
Unfortunately.
both my student,
and, her husband have,
had health issues lately,
so no tutoring,
today.

I have found myself,
with some extra time,
and, have decided to,
explore a topic,
that has been floating,
around my head for a few weeks.

As you know from,
reading the blog,
I have been exploring,
my spiritual side,
and I am happy in,
my exploration.
I have met people,
I like,
encountered ideas,
and a way of living,
my life,
which appeals to me.
I have never been,
a joiner,
nor a naysayer.
I have always,
believed that love,
is the way,
to understanding each other,
sharing the world among,
ourselves in harmony.
We need more love,
in the world,
desperately.

The Christian message,
is one of love,
of acceptance,
of diversity.
It isn't always,
interpreted that way,
that doesn't,
nullify it's meaning.

A few weeks ago,
I was talking about,
church,
with my girl,
and I asked her,
what she thought.
She said it seemed,
to make me happy,
but, that she had worried,
that I would become,
a zealot.
Hmm, me a zealot??

Interesting word zealot,
it can be very strong,
or sort of soft,
fanatic or enthusiast, to me those,
aren't really synonyms but hey...

When I shared this reflection,
with a lovely man,
from church, he seemed to think, 
I had a bit of a,
zealot in me,
That when I embraced,
something,
I was all in.
Hmm.
He also felt,
that I had a bit,
of a provocateur in me, 
and pointed to this blog,
as a manifestation of that,
spirit.
I felt no criticism on his part,
he was telling it as he saw it,
he's that kind of a guy,
straight shooter, 
sincere,
nice guy.

This got me thinking.
I don't believe I am,
or ever will be,
a zealot.
I do however,
like to talk,share,
explore,discover.
I care about people,
passionately.
I love the Christian message,
reading the bible,
singing hymns,
calms me, fills me with love.

My objective in writing about,
these thoughts and feelings,
is not to convert or evangelize, 
it is to share.

Of the 16 personality types in,
Myers-Briggs Type indicator,
I am :
Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception,
The Campaigner,
ENFPs are fiercely independent, and much more than stability and security, they crave creativity and freedom.

Hmm maybe I am a zealot,
after all




Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB

Hello all, hope your Easter,
long weekend was,
great.
I had a marvelous time,
stimulation, reflection, relaxation, exercise,
all of it. 
The weather was a little of everything,
good, bad, a tiny bit ugly at times,
but,
truly,
it was all good.
I went to a Passover celebration,
at St-Jax's,
fascinating and inspiring.
On Good Friday,
I went to the Cathedral,
humbling and thought provoking,
and on,
Easter Sunday,
I went with mom,
to my wonderful church,
there was the Montreal Gospel Choir,
we sang and danced,
with enthusiasm if not,
great rhythm :-)
there were baptisms,
so much joy,
so much love,
really a day of hallelujahs.

I have been feeling fantastic,
lately.
It seems,
faith has brought,
calm to my life.
Faith is different,
for everyone,
I think,
I'm no expert,
but, for me, it brings,
centered ness,
and, what I can only describe,
as peace,
of mind, of heart, of purpose.

I was watching a you tube vlogger,
the other day,
he's an ok guy,
a bit hipster but,
anyway,
he said something,
that rang so true,
to me,
resonated,

there are two kinds of people in the world,
those who want to do things and,
those who do things.

He went on to say he wanted to be a doer,
this was in the context of him cutting and bleaching, his hair

Taking chances,
moving out of your comfort zone,
it's a good thing,
doesn't always involve,
risky behaviour,
either,
it didn't for me.
What it did mean,
was not just thinking,
about going to church,
on Christmas Eve,
but actually suggesting it,
to mom and us going.
It also meant not just thinking,
about volunteering when I have,
more time,
but, noting that I have...
plenty of time,
and just walking in,
to the community center,
to volunteer for literacy tutoring.

I have always loved,
notebooks,
but,
I used to leave them at home.
Now I have a small pocket one,
if I need to leave someone a note,
happens less and less,
a smallish not too small,
idea jotter,

as an aside,
I used to remember everything,
no need for notes,
but, recently,
I was listening to the Sunday sermon,
and it struck an idea,
a parallel in my head,
and, I knew it would make,
a really good blog post-topic,
after listening and enjoying,
the sermon,
not writing down a thought provoking note,
I forgot it,
the thought has not returned, yet, or has it,
who knows??

point is,
notebooks (real or phone) are our friends,
I prefer the paper version,
no one thinks you are,
checking your face book updates.

I have an Alpha and theological notes,
notebook,
and a journal, I keep notes,
I no longer rely on memory,
take notes,
take note,
live your life,
consciously with intention,
experience,
don't just let things,
happen to you,
experience them,
relish in them,
learn from them,
take notes,
take note,
that is my current modus operandi

Be well, you all

Later girls,
BB

p.s this blog was written last week, sorry for the lateness, been a busy week
:-)