A really good day

Hope all is well,
with all of you.
Saturday, 
was a really good day,
for me.

I took my mom out for dumplings,
in Chinatown.
They were delicious,
she loved them.
The weather was great,
we walked and,
walked some more.

Up to Ste-Catherine, 
went to the Bay,
she loved the Topshop line.

We kept going,
and, 
nipped into Simmons,
she bought us some hats.
I got a terrific,
Rains (Danish brand) rain hat,
and,
she got a cute straw trilby.

We had coffee at our favourite,
Starbuck's.
Enjoyed each other's company.

We got back on the metro(subway)
and headed out to the Pointe,
an old Montreal neighbourhood,
very close to our own Verdun.
The Pointe has working class,
tough roots,
but,
it has gentrified quite a bit,
in recent years,
as has Verdun.

The place we went to,
The Pointe St-Charles Art School,
is absolutely wonderful,
a glorious vibe.
We went for an art exhibit.
My friend Ken,
had some photographs on display.

We met some delightful people.
We ran into one of mom's cousins,
her eldest cousin,
she and her husband are almost,
ninety,
they were out supporting,
their niece's husband.
That totally rocks.

A former client of mine,
was there,
I never knew her name,
she was a client,
but,
we were chatting and I asked her name...
she has the same name as my surgeon,
the one who removed my alien.

Chatted with a charming woman,
about running and creative outlets,
she introduced me to her friend,
who was exhibiting some drawings,
they had things to say.

I had a great time.
Mom had a great time.

It helped me to have,
even more,
resolve,
as far as social occasions,
and,
community involvement,
are concerned.

I need more,
in terms of creative stimulation,
I need to meet more people,
and,
spend more time,
with my friends, my family.
I need to banish the ugly,
the negative,
accentuate the positive,
not live in a world of illusion,
but,
contribute,
make a difference,
for me as well as others.

It was a really good day.

Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB







Mine, no one else’s

Hello all,
we have had a gorgeous few days,
here in the Spring infused,
beautiful ugly.
Today, it is raining,
and,
gray and I,
just finished working out,
to classic disco,
which floods my brain with energy,
and,
my mind with memories.

I hear the first bars of,
Tina Charles' I love to love,
and,
I am right back in,
the hot, sticky, city Summer,
of childhood,
dancing with my cousin Josee,
having fun, giggling,
good times.

I hear Boogie Oogie Oogie and,
I remember this girl,
who,
I had the biggest crush on,
sigh, memory lane.

Some times the associations,
between music and memories,
make no sense,
the chronology doesn't fit,
why does Raspberry Beret,
remind me of my friend,
Helene,
it came out in 1985, 
and, we met in 1988.
could it be because,
it's kind of the only,
Prince song she likes
:-)

Weird associations.
I can't stand U2.
To me,
Bono,
is a stinking rich bourgeois,
with a God complex,
but,
Sunday, Bloody Sunday?
before, the fame,
before the glory,
raw and feeling,
I still love that,
it still makes me rise,
to dance,
when I hear,
the first bars,
I am 17 again.

Music is personal,
and,
along with smells,
is most evocative of the past.


Our past, our memories,
ours.
Shared with people we,
love, like,
or,
who through,
school, job, circumstance,
happen to be on our path.

I realize, 
and this isn't the first time, this has come up.
Some people,
think,
I overshare,
that I use my blog,
and,
my face book pages,
to send messages
...
the truth is,
I sometimes do.
My blog,
from the very beginning,
has been,
a persona for me,
a part sharing,
what I think,
what I love,
what makes me crazy.
A soapbox,
a therapist's couch,
it is a voice,
my voice.
My life,
what it is,
what I wish it would be.
I don't really talk to people,
I know,
through it,
but,
I do wrestle,
with issues,
that challenge me,
on a personal level,
and often they involve,
others.
I don't name names aside from,
giving thanks to those who,
are there for me, or recounting,
amusing anecdotes.

One of the reasons,
I don't edit a lot,
and try to let,
unvarnished emotion,
come through,
is that it is,
a bit of a road map,
record of my life, 
my progress,
and,
slippage.


I understand if that makes,
people,
uncomfortable,
angry,
even.
It isn't my intention.

I also think,
others,
might see their struggles and joys,
through mine.

Do I over share?
Perhaps.
I adjust and work at it.
I see my blog as a reflection,
of my moods and process.

I will say, this:
my life, my feelings,
my emotions and thoughts,
belong to me,
and if I chose to share them,
that is up to me.
It goes without saying,
that you are free to read them,
or not.

I have been through,
a rough few years,
also, those years,
have been full of fun and growth,
I chose to share, lots of it.

I am an adult, I live with and deal,
with,
the results of my decisions,
kindnesses and 'pettinesses',
For better for worse.

Anne Lamott quote

This isn't about settling scores,
or burning bridges, 
they are my stories,
or perhaps, more appropriately,
my story
the one I know,
and,
learn from,
the one I,
know how to share,
that is all.

Be well,
you all.

Later girls,
BB









Working on it and moving on:-)

Hello, you all.
Hope you are well,
filled with Springlike,
optimism.

I have been working on,
feeling good, strong.
We need good and strong.
to,
face life's challenges.

I am doing my cardio,
eating my all Bran,
moving, drinking water,
the whole shebang.

I find myself,
enjoying the mild workouts,
the long walks,
the analysis,
of what I am eating,
and,
what I should be eating.
complex and fascinating stuff.

I have a few,
health challenges to face,
by being informed and making changes,
I am confident that all can,
be resolved in the best way,
possible.

I eat well.
in the last few years,
I also eat less,
which is key.

I need to be strong,
and,
healthy,
my body needs to last,
the rest of my life,
:-)
and,
be up to the task.
Stress,
hard knocks,
joys and pain,
all of it.

I have never been,
a Zen person,
but,
I am relishing in the real,
joys of my life,
and,
am eliminating,
the unnecessary stress,
and conflict.

I,like so many people,
have had lots of conflict,
in my life,
it's normal,
it's life,
I don't shy away from it,
when necessary,
in matters of safety,
identity,
principle.
but,
I do not revel in it,
I do not,
seek it out.

I will not,
pursue or continue,
relationships,
that are mired in,
conflict and negativity.
I don't mean to say,
that I will now,
become,
Pollyanna.

Anyone who knows me,
should already be chuckling.

But, I don't want,
the cynicism, the sarcasm,
brow beating and putting down,
of anyone and everyone.
I believe in letting people,
have their say,
with respect and civility,
and,
if their say is cra cra crazy-
moving on.

Sometimes, the line needs to be drawn,
in matters of principle,
one must stand tall,
but,
if everyday,
people are challenging your principles,
and,
every disagreement,
Becomes a 'must convince people they are wrong,
and,brow beat them into submission'

then...
something is wrong,
and,
you must look at yourself,
change entourage,
get some air,
change your attitude,
eat some fiber,
have some wine,
kiss your significant other,
fill the holes,
read some poetry,
change your life,
go for a walk,
move on.

Everyday,
 I work on being happy,
and,
everyday,
I am happy,
even if a few minutes at a time.

Be well you all.
Later, girls,
BB


it’s all about cardio and all bran, baby

Hello all, 

As I was dancing away and jogging in place,
on my yoga mat,
to the sounds of Bruce Springsteen,
getting my heartrate up, 
working on building a stronger leaner butch,
beating the genetic cholesterol odds,
Yes, I can.
 

Stuff was running through my brain,
and I stopped it, 
and engaged with it.

When I was in my twenties, thirties, forties,
I was concerned with my intellectual life,
living and acquiring knowledge,
the physical was there,
obviously,
but, I didn't dwell on it.
I just took it for granted.
Pleasure, strength.
Just as I was more concerned with experiences,
than with building a future.

I have never been very concerned with the future,
ambitious, I'm still not,
but,
I need my body to accompany me,
the rest of the way.

I was born strong,
physically,
mentally,
and, 
I have been loved and cherished,
in my life,
so,
emotionally,
I'm decently equipped.
Nobody's perfect,
but, I am in no way,
neurotic.

But, as I get older,
I find that,
I need some additional care and attention,
I need to work at,
being as strong physically as,
I used to be,
I need to maintain more,
not just think,
magically,
everything is going to be ok.

The dreamer and innner Linus in me,
believes it, still.
But, I make him do the cardio, eat the all bran,
and visualisize, nonetheless.


I feel good, I feel strong,
I have a ton of challenges,
fears and apprehensions,
but, I think I got this...

who knew cardio and all bran...

be well you all.

Later, girls,
BB



News of my voice, sort of…

Hello all, hope you are enjoying the cold Spring.

I've had news from my voice.
She is away on holiday,
nursing her,
laryngitis.

She sent a post card:

northern-lights-tour-from-yellowknife-in-yellowknife-199760
The sun and wind are glorious,
in the far reaches of the silence,
I can hear a very low, very distant,
beginning of a sound,
it feels fragile,
patience is required.
Wish you were here,

love,
V.

Sounds promising

Be well, all of you.
Later girls,
BB

The best cure for laryngitis is….

Hello all, 
long time since my last post.
Lots on my mind,
lots going on,
none of it tragic,
none of it great.

Some of it is personal,
family etc
and some of it is work,
related.

Work has been dowsizing,
I didn't lose my job,
but,
there has been a slide down,
the ladder.
No pay loss,
but,
a bit of a downgrade,
I am not the only one,
in this position,
but,
I do find it hard,
humiliating, even.

Thing is,
I can't walk out,
I can't afford to.

I took and kept this job,
because,
it allowed me,
lots of time to write.
The pay is terrible and the security,
is non existant.
But the hours are perfect for,
a night owl,
would be,
writer.
But,
no plan B,
as far as income is concerned.

To be clear,
I am not complaining,
I am trying to bring light,
to the precarity,
that so many people live in.
Even, decently well educated,
resourceful people.
So many people, my age,
or younger,
say, well go on UI,
get another job,
don't give up on your dreams,
write whatever,
but write.
Or, tell me I shouldn't put up,
with being humiliated etc.

Right now,
I can't look for another job,
because upcoming events don't allow,
for job search time
and,
I don't make enough money,
to have decent UI benefits,
plus,
the six week wait,
is too long,
I am a paycheck to paycheck worker.

Also, I have lost touch with my,
dreams...

I expect a lot of people think,
I am in this position,
because, I made bad choices,
I suspect that may be,
true.
Ultimately,
they are and were,
my choices.

I also find myself,
not writing,
I think I may have,
lost or at least,
misplaced,
my voice.

I can't tell ya,
how much I regret,
thinking I knew what people,
were going through,
now that people seem to think,
they know what I am going through.

I am scared,
I am worried,
and,
yet,
I remain optimistic,
about my future,
about the next great thing.

Punches in the face,
kicks in the back,
are harder at fifty
than at thirty,
they hurt more,
they leave traces,
but,
you do know how to get up,
you've been there,
the route is not,
unknown.

I expect some of this comes off as whinny,
that isn't my intent.

I am strong,
I will get through this,
but, right now,
I need to retreat,
I need to regroup,
I need to find the strenght,
to come out fighting,
again.

The best cure for laryngitis,
is...
silence.

I'll catch you all later,
be well,
be kind to each other

Later girls,
BB

Time flies

It really does, been three weeks,
since I wrote a blog post,
and, 
it has been,
one year,
today, to the day,
since I had my surgery.

The older I get, it seems time speeds up.
It doesn't,I know,
but it sure feels that way.

The surgery to remove,
most of my lady parts,
and,
the twenty-five pound alien,
who was squatting in and around,
my uterus,

the squatting descriptor I take no credit for,
my friend, Maryse, came up with that one:-)
but, the alien is mine, a giant creature,  about to,
erupt from my abdomen, just like in the movie.

It changed me, the surgery,
it made me feel vulnerable,
physically,
it scarred,
and,
scared me,
big time.
Intellectually, I didn't really fear,
death,
but, my fear and hormone fed,
emotions,
did.
It was a scary time,
the before.
The surgery was much easier,
the surgeons handled that part.

The convalescence,
went well,
some pain, remarkably little,
some discomfort and enforced rest,
which led to boredom,
it's hard to read when you are recovering,
well, it was for me.

I was very careful for months,
no lifting, no carrying,
slightly paranoid about tearing,
something.

It also affected my state of mind.
I wasn't in a bad mood,
I was in a strange land of,
in between,
for lack of a better descriptor.
I felt old and that,
I didn't have much time left,
and, simultaneously,
an incredible thirst for life,
if it was going to be over soon,
I needed to live,
it,
fast and hard.

I feel better now,
I don't want to waste time,
with people,
who suck my energy,
and,
doing things I dislike,
but I am going about things,
slowly,
at my pace,
which oddly enough,
for a city butch like me,
is a,
look around,
enjoy the scenery,
pace,
a walk in the country,
smell the air,
feel the wind on your face, 
pace.

Playing, working, being, loving,
and,
waiting for the next great adventure.

so one year post surgery...
time flies,
and life,
goes on.

Be well, 
all of you

Later girls,

BB


Red wine and stretch jeans

Hello all, 
hope you are feeling,
chipper and spry.
Did your favourite groundhog,
give your wished for...prognosis?
Prediction?
Psychic reading?
Here's hoping.

Here,
in the beautiful ugly,
it is mild, damn mild,
sucker you in to thinking,
it's Spring,
mild.
I say,
enjoy it while it lasts.
You won't hear me,
bitching,
about a lack of snow.
Snow in the city,
is pretty for a half hour,
after that,
it's a nuisance.
For you,
outdoorsy Winter frolicking types,
my sympathies,
for the rest of us,
woo hoo!!

February is here and that's means,
no matter what the groundhog,
predicts...
Spring,
isn't far behind.
Far and soon,
are relative concepts.
One person's soon is,
another person's far.

I'm feeling good,
for the weirdest reasons,
off the top of my head,
I would say:
red wine and stretch jeans.

I read an article:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/people-who-drink-alcohol-outlive-those-who-abstain-study-shows-8995879.html

also, I know drinking red wine,
is good for you, 
your heart etc
and, 
I have discovered...
better late than never,
that I actually love,
red wine.
So, for the past few weeks,
I have been picking up,
a bottle of red at our state run,
liquor stores,
I have few guidelines
it must be under $10 dollars,
and,
it has to:
speak to me,
name, label, region,
any and all of the above.
something.
Two weeks ago it was,
a big bold Italian,
last week, a Spanish wine.
What this week brings,
I do not know,
but, there is always,
a vast selection,
even with my broke butch,
budget and criterion.
I have one glass with dinner,
occasionally,
after a really rough, frustrating day,
two.
I feel better,
I digest better,
I feel less stress,
and,
I am less cranky,
win, win, win, win.

Next week,
I am taking a two day class,
paid for by the office,
a CPR and rescue course,
You spend a lot of time,
bent over a mannequin.
I thought it would be important,
to be comfortable,
also,
I did not want to show one iota,
of butt crack,
I don't have an ounce of plumber in me.

I am not the most conventional of people,
but,
I do not consider,
sweatpants and or yoga pants,
appropriate attire,
aside from,
working out and or lounging,
I did make an exception,
when recovering from surgery,
last year.
I'll wear hoodies, flannel shirts etc,
I work in a very informal setting,
and,
the world is a more and more,
informal place,
which has it pros and cons.
but, I draw the line at,
sweatpants to work.

So, I had to figure something out.
I know that lots of women,
wear stretch jeans,
but, I'm a butch,
I don't do girl jeans.
A few months ago,
I had seen posters,
all over American Eagle,
promoting these flex jeans,
of theirs.
Yesterday, I thought I would try,
some on, to see.

Oh my,
game changers.
As I slipped them on,
I wondered,
where have these jeans,
been all my life?
Yes, they are that comfortable,
they are also nice,
and, although not cheap,
very reasonable,
second pair was half off.
Remains to be seen,
how long they will last,
but,
it is bound to be better,
than my Old Navys,
whose crotch blew after,
six months.
No more Old Navy jeans for me,
they are cheap but...
I have some awesome Gaps,
slim fit,
and now.
these stretches,
from American Eagle,
I think I am covered.

Learning new things,
discovering new things,
experimenting new things,
even when they are,
as silly,
as being giddy over new jeans,
keeps you going.

Enjoy what's left of the Winter,
maybe even get out and shake,
your booty, groove thing,
or butt
:-)

Be well.

Later girls



Patina, frayed edges and bucket lists

Hello all.
I apologize for my long absence. 
I have had much on my mind,
have been making lots of,
notes and diagrams and,
thinking, 
lots of,
thinking.

I have been thinking about what I want, 
what I really, really want,
forgive the Spice Girl reference, couldn't resist:-)



Looking ahead,
what do I want to do?
what, if anything do I want to accomplish?

The thing I miss most about my bookstore,
is meeting new and smart people,
I mean, not everyone I met was smart,
contrary to popular myth and folklore,
not all readers are smart but,
I was constantly exposed to,
new ideas and avenues of exploration.

I am pretty sure you don't need a bookstore.
to be exposed to that sort of stuff,
I read, I surf the net, 
I have brilliant friends,
but,
meeting new stimulating people,
has been difficult,
since I closed the store,
since, I lost Francoys,
since, I had my surgery.
I have been low.

In the next few weeks,
I will celebrate,
the removal of my alien.
yup,
a year,
and, this week,
one year of no smoking.

Do I miss smoking?
Less than I thought I would,
Is it hard?
Not so much anymore.

It's not about having it beat,
or letting my guard down,
it's mostly that I don't 
want a vice or bad habit to,
have a hold on me,
to dictate certain parts,
certain outcomes,
of my life.
I like having better breath,
I like breathing better,
I like having more money,
I miss the relaxation,
smoking procures,
I miss the taste,
but,
I chose not to smoke,
not because,
I am good and virtuous,
or because I have allowed,
the demonizing of tobacco,
to influence me,
I chose not to smoke because,
I have decided,
that I would like to live,
longer than,
60 years.
Quitting smoking,
improves my odds,
and improves my health,
that's it.

I want to live long enough,
to develop good patina,
to appreciate frayed edges,
I want to see my hair,
go all,
grey,
and then white,
I want to grow old,
not get old.

Old age is something I want to experience,
not suffer through.

Old age isn't 50.

Fifty is still plenty young,
so this year,
I am going to knock a few things,
of my bucket list,
work at maintaining the old bod,
stimulating my mind,
to keep it fresh and agile.

The first steps in body maintenance,
have been taken,
and,
now we,
plank:-)

The stimulating of the mind is made up,
of knowledge and new experiences,
this year,
I will make efforts to reach out to new people,
be open, more open.

One thing,
I will do, for sure,
is travel to a bucket list destination,
this year:
the Canadian North,
it will either be,
the North West Territories or Nunavut,
not sure which,
yet,
but, it will be in the fall,
and it will be accompanied by photos,
and,
an article,
a butch from the south travels north,
type of thing.

I see great things for this year,
here is to,
patina, 
frayed worn edges, and
bucket lists

Be well you all,
big massive hug

Later girls,
BB


Another new year

Well, I am a little late to wish you all a Happy New Year...

The New Year has been around for almost three weeks.
Here's hoping ringing it in and,
the first few weeks have
been golden,
for all of you.

I'm doing well, feeling a little cold,
January is the frigid portion of the calendar.

I had nice, quiet holidays, managed a few days off,
both at Christmas and New Year's,
spent time with loved ones.
Was spoiled and spoiled a few people as well.
Got some lovely books, new bag, gloves, yoga mat
(yes, my friends you read that right!! )

The year so far,
fine,
work is fine,
health is A1-
(saw my surgeon for the last time on Friday.
Fit as a fiddle:-)
Gained some weight over the last few months,
bigger appetite and some 
overindulgence, then the holidays, 
also it would appear my thyroid is a factor as well.
I am waiting for a scan for the thyroid, 
no real worries there, runs in the family, easily,
controlled, we'll see.
Trying to eat less 
and,
doing some planking, strengtening the core and working on
building a slimmer, stronger butch.

I am in a decent place right now,
creativity isn't at it's peak but,
I am building and tearing down and building, again
this is how it works for me,
lots of the building and tearing down goes on,
inside,
my imagination, my mind.
Sharing and experimenting photos on instagram
check me out bookishbutch@instagram

I haven't been reading loads but, I have been,
slow steady pace.
mostly, I am enjoying my life, spending time with friends,
ladies hockey games, movies,
Mom and I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens,
she loved it, I enjoyed it,
a good New Year's day movie.

Today I am going to see Carol,
the Cate Blanchet film based on,
Patricia Highsmith's novel,
The Price Of Salt,
I am not usually a fan of Highsmith's,
too dark and cynical,
for my taste but, I loved this book

here is an appreciation from the early 
years of the blog, be careful may contain spoilers:-)
The Price Of Salt-An Appreciation
I will write soon, I feel the period of cogitation, is about to end. Be well, all the best. Later girls, BB