Bookish Butch

Hello all, hope the Summer,
has been good to you,
so far.
It's grey and muggy,
here in,
my beautiful ugly.

Today is the first day,
of the long weekend,
here in Quebec,
La St-Jean, la Fete Nationale.

I am hanging out,
drinking tea,
enjoying some solitude.
Have lots of,
social activity ,
coming up,
on the weekend.
Time with friends,
old and new.

This has been,
a week,
of reflection,
introspection,
and frustration.

I just noticed in,
preparing this post,
that it is the 800 Th.
Wow, that ain't nothing.
Been more than seven years,
since I started this blog.

Some people journal,
I blog.

I 'hear' that blogs,
have become,
a little bit,
passe.
Hmm,
I think I may have become,
a little bit,
passe.
I'm fine with that,
truly.

Weird, I keep searching,
for what it is,
I am looking for,
and yet,
I am mostly ok, 
with who I am.

I am.
neither young,
nor old.

I have people who love me,
I strive to learn new things,
everyday.
My health is pretty darn good,
and my mind quite sharp.

I have more confidence,
in my abilities,
than I ever have before.

I realize that by,
conventional society,
standards,
I am not very,
successful.

I have no money,
no career,
no car,
no house.
I have no marriage,
I have no children.

I like comfort,
I like exploring for meaning,
I like to spend time with people,
I like to walk,
I like to talk,
a lot
I like to do,
what I want to do. 
I have no real ambition,
in a standard sense of the term.

But, I am lucky,
might even say,
blessed.
I have received many,
kindnesses,
in my life,
from loved ones,
and relative strangers.

I have had some difficult,
passages,
and have weathered some,
better than others,
grief is particularly,
challenging,
for me.

As I have gotten older,
I don't bounce back,
quite like I used to-
But, since I am not,
a rubber ball..
That's ok.

I tend to not lie to myself,
about how everything is fine,
anymore.
I face difficulties,
more than I used to,
I know the consequences of burying hurt
sometimes with drama,
and panic,
but, more and more,
with real emotion,
and I hope, reason.

I do trust in the future,
I have faith,
it ebbs and flows,
but,
I really do believe,
in the inherent goodness,
of people.
But, I also find my,
bullshit detector,
to be,
pretty strong.

I appreciate sincerity,
and earnestness so much,
even when it is,
to the point,
of naivete.
I have less and less,
respect for snark and sarcasm.
I have also learned that,
some smiles and honey tones,
hide,
bad things.
and that some of the,
gruffest people are also the,
kindest.

I am who I am.
Neither young,
nor old.
Far from perfect.

Occasionally,
I am shallow, superficial,
unkind, weak,
but,
I work at improving,
and at not beating myself up.

Every day I pray to be kinder,
to be more patient,
with people,
with their foibles,
with me and my...limits.

Last night,
I was watching a,
television show ,
the Big C,
with Laura Linney,
and Oliver Platt.
I love both of them.
At one point,
Platt's character,
Paul,
Linney's husband in the show,
says to their couples therapist,
'she is a a ten and I am a four,
or between a four and a six,
on a good day'.

I loved that,
I feel that way about this stage,
of my life,
it's between a four and a six,
some parts are tens,
some parts are twos,
but, on the whole,
no complaints

:-)
Thank you, all for
being there.
Be well.

Later girls,
BB

Good day you all,
hope you are all well.
I am,
well, that is :-)
I have made some,
changes in my life.

I asked for a raise,
at my crappy job,
the manager,
hemmed and hawed and,
said, well, you know,
she couldn't make,
any promises,
and if there was something,
it wouldn't be much, 
bla bla bla.
So, I left her office,
I decided, 
that evening,
while working,
that I would give notice,
I did,
this is my last week.

I take next week off,
vacation time,
rest and relaxation,
the week after that I find,
a new job.

This change has been,
a long time coming.
Time to move on.

When I first took this job,
I needed it, 
it was a transition job.
It allowed me to go from,
the closing of my bookstore,
and then,
the death of my anarchist,
through some health issues.
Through griefs,
and rebuilding,
my confidence,
my health,
my life.
For that I will always be grateful.

It was a perfect job,
for me,
it didn't require too much,
of me,
and I was very good at it,
I talked to people,
which I love.
The thing with me,
and, 
I suspect most people,
I want a job that requires,
my brain, my personality,
my strengths,
I don't want a job,
that will suck out,
my life force,
or that exhausts me,
or one where I am,
disrespected.

At this point,
I feel like paying me,
minimum wage,
is disrespecting me.
I am worth,
more than that,
figuratively and literally.

I may take another,
in between job,
but what I really want,
is one that uses,
my people skills,
my communication skills,
that pays me a living wage.

I want to grow and help others,
to grow,
in whatever way I can.

Change is inevitable,
and in this case,
required,
and most especially,
sought out.

more to come, soon.

Be well you all
Later girls,
BB

Hello all,
hope you are all well.
It is early afternoon,
in my beautiful ugly.
Mom has gone visiting,
for a few days.
I am sitting at the computer, 
having partaken of some delicious,
homemade vegetable soup,
added some leftover yams,
to the mix, yum.

Normally, at this time,
on a Wednesday,
I would be,
getting off,
the metro(subway),
walking towards,
the adult education center,
where I volunteer. 
Unfortunately.
both my student,
and, her husband have,
had health issues lately,
so no tutoring,
today.

I have found myself,
with some extra time,
and, have decided to,
explore a topic,
that has been floating,
around my head for a few weeks.

As you know from,
reading the blog,
I have been exploring,
my spiritual side,
and I am happy in,
my exploration.
I have met people,
I like,
encountered ideas,
and a way of living,
my life,
which appeals to me.
I have never been,
a joiner,
nor a naysayer.
I have always,
believed that love,
is the way,
to understanding each other,
sharing the world among,
ourselves in harmony.
We need more love,
in the world,
desperately.

The Christian message,
is one of love,
of acceptance,
of diversity.
It isn't always,
interpreted that way,
that doesn't,
nullify it's meaning.

A few weeks ago,
I was talking about,
church,
with my girl,
and I asked her,
what she thought.
She said it seemed,
to make me happy,
but, that she had worried,
that I would become,
a zealot.
Hmm, me a zealot??

Interesting word zealot,
it can be very strong,
or sort of soft,
fanatic or enthusiast, to me those,
aren't really synonyms but hey...

When I shared this reflection,
with a lovely man,
from church, he seemed to think, 
I had a bit of a,
zealot in me,
That when I embraced,
something,
I was all in.
Hmm.
He also felt,
that I had a bit,
of a provocateur in me, 
and pointed to this blog,
as a manifestation of that,
spirit.
I felt no criticism on his part,
he was telling it as he saw it,
he's that kind of a guy,
straight shooter, 
sincere,
nice guy.

This got me thinking.
I don't believe I am,
or ever will be,
a zealot.
I do however,
like to talk,share,
explore,discover.
I care about people,
passionately.
I love the Christian message,
reading the bible,
singing hymns,
calms me, fills me with love.

My objective in writing about,
these thoughts and feelings,
is not to convert or evangelize, 
it is to share.

Of the 16 personality types in,
Myers-Briggs Type indicator,
I am :
Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception,
The Campaigner,
ENFPs are fiercely independent, and much more than stability and security, they crave creativity and freedom.

Hmm maybe I am a zealot,
after all




Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB

Hello all, hope your Easter,
long weekend was,
great.
I had a marvelous time,
stimulation, reflection, relaxation, exercise,
all of it. 
The weather was a little of everything,
good, bad, a tiny bit ugly at times,
but,
truly,
it was all good.
I went to a Passover celebration,
at St-Jax's,
fascinating and inspiring.
On Good Friday,
I went to the Cathedral,
humbling and thought provoking,
and on,
Easter Sunday,
I went with mom,
to my wonderful church,
there was the Montreal Gospel Choir,
we sang and danced,
with enthusiasm if not,
great rhythm :-)
there were baptisms,
so much joy,
so much love,
really a day of hallelujahs.

I have been feeling fantastic,
lately.
It seems,
faith has brought,
calm to my life.
Faith is different,
for everyone,
I think,
I'm no expert,
but, for me, it brings,
centered ness,
and, what I can only describe,
as peace,
of mind, of heart, of purpose.

I was watching a you tube vlogger,
the other day,
he's an ok guy,
a bit hipster but,
anyway,
he said something,
that rang so true,
to me,
resonated,

there are two kinds of people in the world,
those who want to do things and,
those who do things.

He went on to say he wanted to be a doer,
this was in the context of him cutting and bleaching, his hair

Taking chances,
moving out of your comfort zone,
it's a good thing,
doesn't always involve,
risky behaviour,
either,
it didn't for me.
What it did mean,
was not just thinking,
about going to church,
on Christmas Eve,
but actually suggesting it,
to mom and us going.
It also meant not just thinking,
about volunteering when I have,
more time,
but, noting that I have...
plenty of time,
and just walking in,
to the community center,
to volunteer for literacy tutoring.

I have always loved,
notebooks,
but,
I used to leave them at home.
Now I have a small pocket one,
if I need to leave someone a note,
happens less and less,
a smallish not too small,
idea jotter,

as an aside,
I used to remember everything,
no need for notes,
but, recently,
I was listening to the Sunday sermon,
and it struck an idea,
a parallel in my head,
and, I knew it would make,
a really good blog post-topic,
after listening and enjoying,
the sermon,
not writing down a thought provoking note,
I forgot it,
the thought has not returned, yet, or has it,
who knows??

point is,
notebooks (real or phone) are our friends,
I prefer the paper version,
no one thinks you are,
checking your face book updates.

I have an Alpha and theological notes,
notebook,
and a journal, I keep notes,
I no longer rely on memory,
take notes,
take note,
live your life,
consciously with intention,
experience,
don't just let things,
happen to you,
experience them,
relish in them,
learn from them,
take notes,
take note,
that is my current modus operandi

Be well, you all

Later girls,
BB

p.s this blog was written last week, sorry for the lateness, been a busy week
:-)

Good morning all, hope you are well.
March has been,
all over the place here,
in my beautiful ugly.
Hot, cold, record snow storms,
and today,
rain

According to the dates,
on my blog post,
it's been more than,
two whole weeks,
since I wrote.

Lots has been going on.
I continue my Alpha classes,
at church.
I am liking it,
my group is a good fit.
The discussion is of a high level,
but, civil and respectful,
friendly,
no putting people's ideas down,
very far from,
a preachy or belligerent tone.

One of the things I like most,
about my church,
is the friendly,
(not over friendly invasive)
 sincere tone.
I don't like to be pushed,
never have,
I can make up my own mind,
but, my heart is open.

I know that to many,
religious belief makes,
no sense,
that it can't be scientifically,
explained.
That's cool, there are a lot of things,
I can't explain and that doesn't stop me,
from believing.

For instance,
how does one explain,
love.
Attraction, 
can be explained,
scientifically, chemically,
but, love?
Nope.

In fact that has been and remains,
one of the great quests of,
art and literature.

I am not here to try to convince,
anybody of anything.
I just share my road and journey,
with you all.

Today, I have a meeting,
for volunteering,
in a literacy program,
helping a person to learn,
to speak and eventually learn to,
read and write,
French.

Seeking purpose

I continue writing in my journal.
I have been reading much more,
lately, C.S Lewis, St-Benedict,
Merton, Montaigne, Orwell.
This all sounds very deep,
and it is,
but, it is snack size,
the great ideas collection,
from Penguin is perfect,
for carrying around,
reading on the metro.
Less than one hundred pages,
usually.

Today, would have been,
Francoys, my anarchist friend's,
fifty-seventh birthday.
You are missed my friend,
I miss your laugh,
our talks,
your coffee,
I miss you,
but, 
I feel your friendship,
in my heart,
in my life,
everyday.
I imagine there would have been,
quite a bit of talk,
about church,
but,
I also know,
that you respected my choices,
and me.

Bonne fete cher ami

have a great week,
you all.

Later girls,
BB