Bookish Butch

I have spent the last,

month,

of deep freeze, polar vortex,

in the house,

waiting for a call,

from the hospital.

I’ve had my pre ops,

tests, info, probing and prodding.

I’ve given up smoking.

13 days and counting,

and,

still,

I wait.

It’s hard to get out,

it’s so damn cold,

I mean really cold,

not wussy cold,

friggin’ cold,

burn through your clothes,

cold.

I have to be careful,

money wise,

count the pennies,

I have to keep,

strong,

positive,

for the surgery,

I am going,

mental,

loca,

everyday,

I think today is the day,

they are going to call,

I am going to get a date,

for the surgery.

and then I’ll wait for the surgery…

and then I’ll wait to see,

if it’s more serious than the fibroids…

and then I will wait ’til I am strong enough,

again.

Waiting,

it’s all about,

waiting,

times like these,

I wish I was a believer,

I wish I could find solace,

in the words of the bible,

or the Milton quote,

in his poem On His Blindness:

They also serve who only stand and wait.”

but, I don’t,

I know I must wait,

I am resigned to it,

I wait,

no choice,

but,

it’s hard,

my life,

where it will go,

and,

when,

it’s very hard,

to think,

to concentrate,

to breathe deep,

to stay Zen,

but,

I must,

I do,

I will.

I wish Francoys was around,

I wish I could have a smoke,

I wish it would hurry up,

and,

happen,

already,

but,

in between,

the wishing and the freaking,

I’ll just keep,

waiting.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

Good morning you all.

Ok,

so you all know,

I am having surgery,

and,

on Friday,

I had my pre op tests,

all is good,

but,

they convinced me,

I have to give up,

smoking,

at least a week before,

surgery,

and,

while in the hospital,

I won’t be able to smoke,

either.

This is a big deal for me,

huge.

I am a smoker.

You know how some people,

are,

chocolate people,

some people,

drink,

I am a smoker,

I have been,

for all of my adult life,

all of it.

It didn’t used to be,

such a big deal,

lots of people used to smoke,

but,

nowadays,

you smoke,

you are a pariah,

all your qualities,

as a human being,

are questioned,

because,

you smoke!!

It seems to be,

the most disgusting habit,

anyone can have,

personally, I think, judging people is worse but, that’s me

in public and media perception,

smoking is slightly better than,

thievery,

but,

only slightly.

I am not giving up,

smoking because,

of public perception,

or social pressure,

if ,

I felt those pulls,

I would have given it up,

years ago,

no,

I am giving it up,

because the pre op nurse,

made a good case,

how,

not smoking,

would,

be,

helpful for surgery,

better oxygen in the blood,

less risk of infection,

better recovery,

a good case,

not a judgemental one.

So, at the end of my morning,

when I met with an internist,

talk about judgmental, you know the type, just graduated, knows everything.

Anyway,

she gave me,

a prescription for nicotine gum,

told me it was free,

it’s not,

it’s partially covered by the government insurance plan.

All this to say,

tomorrow,

Monday the 9 th of February 2015,

I am giving up,

smoking,

I will remain a smoker,

but,

I won’t smoke,

it’s my informed decision.

I anticipate,

it being one of the hardest things,

I have ever done,

but,

do it,

I will.

and I just went public with it,

I am a smoker,

I just chose,

not to smoke,

anymore.

Later girls,

BB

I am,

as I mentioned,

yesterday,

in prep mode.

I am assembling a reading list.

For the waiting,

for the hospital,

for the convalescence,

it’s fun.

Trying to pick,

small but deep books,

for the traveling,

waiting in between tests.

I have just started,

Selected Stories of Sholom Alechem,

it’s been on my shelf for years,

these are the stories,

they based Fiddler On The Roof,

on.

I love things to do with history,

and am particularly interested in,

Jewish history,

these are short stories,

just right for commuting,

keeping your focus,

elsewhere.

I also have a few,

small vintage paperbacks,

The Power And The Glory,

Graham Greene,

The Loved One,

Evelyn Waugh,

a small Lorna Doone,

which my girl gave me years ago,

and,

I haven’t gotten around to reading.

For the convalescence,

I have Of Human Bondage,

by Maugham,

one of my favourites,

and,

a pile of dyke romances,

and,

adventure stories.

There are a few french books,

I have been meaning to read,

two Jacques Godbout(s)

and some classic French stuff,

amongst others,

Therese Desqueyroux,

by Francois Mauriac,

L’immoraliste,

by Andre Gide,

Le Grand Meaulnes,

by Alain Fournier,

and,

some light stuff,

The Hunger Games,

which mom loved.

A few non-fictions,

A Short History Of Progress,

Ways Of Seeing by John Berger,

lots of reading in sight,

it will help keep me busy,

focused, occupied,

and,

moving forward to the next,

great adventures,

of my life.

After the surgery,

which will remove a very large,

fibroid,

who knows,

I might become known as,

the svelte bookish butch,

or SBB,

for short

Be well,

you all,

see you on the flip side.

Later girls,

BB

Hello all,

sorry,

for the quiet of late,

BB,

is in prep mode,

for the surgery,

you know.

So…

a combination,

of reaching for Zen.

and,

freaking out

This morning,

the hospital,

called,

I have an appointment,

for the pre op tests,

that means the op,

will follow,

soon,

after,

I’m good with that,

I mean I’m scared,

shitless,

but,

good with that,

you know?

I have been writing,

a lot,

I have taken a bunch,

of pics,

I have done lots,

of research about,

hormones,

things to eat,

while,

recovering,

that sort of thing.

I imagine,

all of us,

handle it differently,

the waiting.

Some pray,

I guess,

some,

haul up by themselves,

me?

well,

I talk about it,

I write about it,

I obsess about it,

until,

I can get,

my head,

my heart,

around it,

control,

my reactions,

it is my process,

it is my way,

I don’t advocate it being,

anyone else’s way,

it’s just mine,

I reach in,

I reach out,

I get every bit of info,

I can,

I fill in the variables,

and then,

I am ready,

doesn’t mean the outcome,

will be what,

I planned,

or how,

I envisioned,

it,

but,

once I have my picture,

in place,

my equation,

‘solved’,

I’m good.

On Friday,

I will ask more questions,

and,

then I will be good to go.

I have read,

the booklet the hospital,

gave me,

three times,

I know what to bring,

what to expect,

I know,

to tell people,

loved ones,

friends,

no flowers.

Apparently,

they are dangerous for infection,

not so much,

for me,

I expect,

I’m not sick,

but,

some people,

who share the wing,

have some,

badass cancer shit going on,

so no flowers,

please.

Later girls,

BB

Well,

let,

me start by stating,

that I realize the title,

of this post,

will freak,

a few of you,

right out.

That isn’t,

my intention,

but,

it is,

my intention,

to write,

about something,

serious,

that many women face,

every day.

For the last two days,

I have been,

in abject terror mode.

On Wednesday morning,

I found out,

that I had to have,

a complete,

hysterectomy,

complete,

uterus,

ovaries,

fallopian tubes,

everything,

that,

is a terrifying thing to hear.

But, after two days,

of talking it out,

worrying,

and,

getting info,

and feedback,

from other women.

I realize it could have,

been so much,

worse.

I do not have cancer,

what I have,

is a big fibroid,

very big,

massive.

I have a great surgeon,

and,

a top notch team,

my health is good,

I have no pain,

the fibroid,

has to come out

because,

it could lead to,

other problems,

with my internal organs.

Still,

the prognosis is excellent.

So, after spending,

not,

much,

time,

in my life,

thinking about my uterus,

the next few months,

will  pretty much,

be,

all about my uterus.

…………….

Today,

I got my hair cut,

very short,

GI Jane,

Ripley in Alien 3,

short,

because,

I am taking on,

a big fight,

and,

I want to concentrate,

all my energy,

on winning,

I need to keep,

my body and mind,

healthy,

sharp,

keep a positive attitude,

and,

trust that,

the very competent,

people,

in charge of my care,

will do what needs,

to be done.

I am writing about it,

because,

it is a big deal to me,

and I write about,

things,

that are a big deal to me,

not so much because,

I am self-obsessed,

as some may,

think,

but,

because,

lots of things,

that we think affect only us,

do in fact have,

a universality to them.

The health issues,

or challenges may,

not be identical,

but,

many of us,

will face these issues,

some,

much more serious,

and we,

all of us,

need to process them.

My blog,

for years,

has been,

my processing,

platform,

it helps me get,

to,

what I real think,

about things,

in a way it is,

a sounding board,

a wall on which,

I throw paint,

it is mine.

Some,

people,

like what I write,

some,

not so much,

and,

that is as it should be,

not everyone,

likes everything,

I certainly don’t.

I try here,

to express my truth,

as I see it,

and understand it,

today,

right,

now.

Right, now,

it is about my uterus.

I will be fine,

because,

the fact is I am so much,

more than a,

uterus.

Thanks for reading,

I hope I didn’t make you,

all too uncomfortable,

or squirmy.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it- attributed to Voltaire but in fact, a summing up of his philosophical views in the book: The Friends of Voltaire by Evelyn Beatrice Hall

This morning,

I fired up the computer,

as I do,

part of my morning routine-

get up,

stumble to bathroom,

get coffee going,

stumble back to desk,

check emails,

read news,

sort of,

via Facebook and such.

This morning,

it was all about,

the shooting and killing,

of twelve people,

in Paris,

at the offices of Charlie Hebdo.

I had never heard,

of Charlie Hebdo.

I am not very up,

on,

satyrical,

French or otherwise,

magazines,

newspapers etc,

cartoon, caricature,

is not something,

I know much,

read: anything,

about.

What struck me most,

about this,

is the fact that people,

many people,

are calling it,

an attack,

on freedom of expression,

which it is,

other people,

again,

many people,

are ‘saying’,

that Charlie Hebdo,

published,

heinous Islamophobic cartoons.

Perhaps-

that is debatable,

satire,

is not,

for the meek mannered,

nor the politically correct,

and,

rarely,

well,

never,

is it,

to everyone’s taste,

or even tasteful,

but,

that isn’t the point of satire,

the point,

is,

to draw attention,

to,

the ridiculous.

Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement- from Wikipedia

We live in an,

increasingly humourless world,

of taking things like,

blasphemy and satire,

much too seriously,

seems to me.

People’s religious rights,

and,

at times,

quite insane views,

on infidels,

on sin,

on so many other things,

are given more,

importance,

than,

free speech.

It also seems to me,

that the radical religious,

points of view,

of any and all religions,

have taken,

center stage in the media,

wether it be,

the American evangelical right,

Jewish expansionism,

or Muslim Jihadists,

these are the representatives,

of these faiths,

we see on television,

and,

it is quite bothersome,

that the muslim fundamentalists,

are portrayed as terrorists,

but,

not so the Evangelicals,

and,

the Orthodox Jews,

and,

yet,

they are just as much,

perpetrators of terrorism,

the Evangelicals,

by killing,

reason and science,

and,

holding the American and Canadian governments,

hostage to their vision,

allowing people to be left out,

in the cold,

in the name of God,

and,

the almighty dollar

and,

the Israeli government,

attempting to commit,

what can only be described,

as genocide,

on the people of Gaza.

What has happened to our world?

There are good people,

in all faiths and non-faiths,

but,

these are not the people,

we see represented.

The insane viewpoint,

has the floor,

in the media,

it needs to be taken back,

by,

reason and discussion,

and,

attempts,

to get along,

and,

respect,

each other in the world,

we all,

share,

the vast majority of people,

want the same thing,

peace and safety,

a chance at a better future,

for them and their children,

people are people,

not horned devils.

We are allowed,

to not like,

Charlie Hebdo,

Fox News,

The Journal de Montreal,

we are allowed to,

not buy them,

to carry placards in front,

of their offices,

call them names,

even,

but,

gunning down twelve people??

no,

we are not allowed to do that.

Whatever happened to,

agreeing to disagree,

whatever happened to dialogue,

I’m a little bummed with,

the world right now,

people killing senselessly,

and the polar vortex,

not a happy butch.

We must keep reaching,

for reason,

for communication,

for kindness,

it is the way,

I think.

Be well, all of you.

Later girls,

BB

Happy New Year:-)

To all of you,

I wish for you,

all-

the best that life has to offer.

I have gotten,

to a point in my life,

where I enjoy,

New Years’s eve,

and,

New Year Day.

This wasn’t always,

the case,

I guess,

I had these crazy,

ideas about,

New Year’s eve-

Hollywood romanticism,

about what it should be,

wasted a lot of time,

reaching for silly,

visions,

life does not,

morph magically,

at the strike of midnight.

But,

no,

life experience,

is ever,

really,

wasted,

either,

it’s all useful,

sometimes,

just in shedding light,

on what you don’t want.

That is actually,

a good thing.

Honestly,

I don’t need my life to,

change,

drastically,

I am pretty happy,

the way it is.

I don’t really ‘do’

new year’s resolutions

No, but, seriously,:-P

I have year long,

resolutions,

little lifestyle changes,

that aren’t too drastic,

but,

that transform,

slowly, steadily,

that bring about,

real change,

long term,

that start with-

baby steps.

A few years ago it was,

about eating more fruit,

and,

drinking more water,

moving more,

and,

it has meant,

a leaner and stronger me.

This year’s resolutions,

are more,

on a mental and emotional level.

I want to take care of me,

my mind,

my heart,

I want to spend time doing,

things that make me,

happy,

that enrich my life,

that are joyous,

and,

that push me,

intellectually,

creatively.

I want to continue,

trusting my voice.

This year has been a year,

of great discovery,

in that area,

but,

I feel I may have taken,

a few steps back,

lately.

It happens,

and you have to take,

backward steps,

when dancing,

right?

So, this year,

work on the photography,

read more,

write more,

experience new things,

get out,

move,

keep eating oatmeal,

take care of the ole bod,

so it will continue,

getting me around,

town and life.

Worry less,

what others think,

except those who you truly,

respect,

who have your back,

even if they are being,

critical,

critical is a good thing,

when done,

with truth.

Keep away from drama,

unless I go to,

the theatre or the cinema,

or need to face things,

in my life,

or help,

my people,

face things in theirs.

Work on being kinder,

work on being,

more open minded

work on being more loving,

eschew defensiveness,

but,

don’t take shit.

Keep reaching,

for my dreams,

while doing,

the work,

it requires,

keep on keeping on.

Yes,

let it be,

resolved.

Be well and happy all of you.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT Category

Well, the Christmas festivities,

are almost over for me,

we still have a family dinner,

but,

it will be on the third of January,

so after New Year.

It happens,

colds, viruses,

come in and create some chaos in plans,

the best thing to do,

take it in stride and reschedule,

just makes things,

last longer.

Been a nice Christmas,

not too much,

just right,

nice presents,

good times,

family,

friends,

meeting new people,

nice people.

New Year’s,

for me,

is an introspective time,

I like to look back on the,

year,

passed,

look towards  the new one.

2014,

was an interesting year,

it was chock full of new experiences,

big and small,

a time of great confidence and peace,

a time of fear and immense grief.

I find that at the near dawn,

of 2015,

I am stronger and happier,

than I have been for a long time,

and,

yet,

I find that challenges,

many challenges,

are stretched out,

before me,

of course all years,

all phases,

of life,

have challenges,

aging has different ones,

than did,

youth.

I will be fifty this year,

and,

my mom will be seventy-five,

big,

significant numbers.

A few thoughts have been floating,

in me,

my mind,

my heart,

these last weeks of 2014,

some have been there,

a while,

gratitude,

for all that I have,

and,

I certainly don’t mean material things.

I mean my mom,

my friends,

my love,

the freedom I have,

through them and their,

love and support,

and,

belief,

in me,

to be,

me,

I have this sort of belief,

that I am more,

me,

than I ever have been.

Odd, good feeling.

This year,

brought with it,

meeting and breaking with,

new people,

I think I may have found out,

a few things,

about myself,

through these ‘meetings’.

That I am both more,

naive and less tolerant,

than I believed myself to be.

I am not intolerant,

that isn’t what I mean,

I mean that I have less,

of a tolerance for certain types,

of behaviours,

than I used to.

I no longer have this,

incessant need to have,

people like me,

I believe give and take,

and respect,

civility and good humour,

are essential,

that truth is important,

and that it is,

a relative concept,

your truth,

may not to be,

mine,

and,

that is fine.

I don’t want to take on,

drama,

from other people,

I want to concentrate on me,

and,

mine,

my people,

my dreams and joy.

I understand that people,

many people,

have messed up lives,

full of past issues,

that makes their lives,

hard,

I feel for people,

and,

I think,

I am a good friend,

an ear, a shoulder,

and,

a few are to me,

as well.

I enjoy meeting new people,

adding new ideas,

perspectives to my life,

but,

this may be a year,

of looking inward,

for the new,

and,

the inspiration

Looking towards,

2015,

and,

my fiftieth year,

I feel confident and clear,

it’s a very good feeling,

knowing what you want,

who you are,

and,

taking the time,

necessary to accomplish,

your goals.

Here is wishing all of you,

a very happy new year,

filled with joys,

big and small,

love and breathing room,

and,

working on your dreams,

whatever they might be.

Massive hug.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB