Bookish Butch

Well,

let,

me start by stating,

that I realize the title,

of this post,

will freak,

a few of you,

right out.

That isn’t,

my intention,

but,

it is,

my intention,

to write,

about something,

serious,

that many women face,

every day.

For the last two days,

I have been,

in abject terror mode.

On Wednesday morning,

I found out,

that I had to have,

a complete,

hysterectomy,

complete,

uterus,

ovaries,

fallopian tubes,

everything,

that,

is a terrifying thing to hear.

But, after two days,

of talking it out,

worrying,

and,

getting info,

and feedback,

from other women.

I realize it could have,

been so much,

worse.

I do not have cancer,

what I have,

is a big fibroid,

very big,

massive.

I have a great surgeon,

and,

a top notch team,

my health is good,

I have no pain,

the fibroid,

has to come out

because,

it could lead to,

other problems,

with my internal organs.

Still,

the prognosis is excellent.

So, after spending,

not,

much,

time,

in my life,

thinking about my uterus,

the next few months,

will  pretty much,

be,

all about my uterus.

…………….

Today,

I got my hair cut,

very short,

GI Jane,

Ripley in Alien 3,

short,

because,

I am taking on,

a big fight,

and,

I want to concentrate,

all my energy,

on winning,

I need to keep,

my body and mind,

healthy,

sharp,

keep a positive attitude,

and,

trust that,

the very competent,

people,

in charge of my care,

will do what needs,

to be done.

I am writing about it,

because,

it is a big deal to me,

and I write about,

things,

that are a big deal to me,

not so much because,

I am self-obsessed,

as some may,

think,

but,

because,

lots of things,

that we think affect only us,

do in fact have,

a universality to them.

The health issues,

or challenges may,

not be identical,

but,

many of us,

will face these issues,

some,

much more serious,

and we,

all of us,

need to process them.

My blog,

for years,

has been,

my processing,

platform,

it helps me get,

to,

what I real think,

about things,

in a way it is,

a sounding board,

a wall on which,

I throw paint,

it is mine.

Some,

people,

like what I write,

some,

not so much,

and,

that is as it should be,

not everyone,

likes everything,

I certainly don’t.

I try here,

to express my truth,

as I see it,

and understand it,

today,

right,

now.

Right, now,

it is about my uterus.

I will be fine,

because,

the fact is I am so much,

more than a,

uterus.

Thanks for reading,

I hope I didn’t make you,

all too uncomfortable,

or squirmy.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it- attributed to Voltaire but in fact, a summing up of his philosophical views in the book: The Friends of Voltaire by Evelyn Beatrice Hall

This morning,

I fired up the computer,

as I do,

part of my morning routine-

get up,

stumble to bathroom,

get coffee going,

stumble back to desk,

check emails,

read news,

sort of,

via Facebook and such.

This morning,

it was all about,

the shooting and killing,

of twelve people,

in Paris,

at the offices of Charlie Hebdo.

I had never heard,

of Charlie Hebdo.

I am not very up,

on,

satyrical,

French or otherwise,

magazines,

newspapers etc,

cartoon, caricature,

is not something,

I know much,

read: anything,

about.

What struck me most,

about this,

is the fact that people,

many people,

are calling it,

an attack,

on freedom of expression,

which it is,

other people,

again,

many people,

are ‘saying’,

that Charlie Hebdo,

published,

heinous Islamophobic cartoons.

Perhaps-

that is debatable,

satire,

is not,

for the meek mannered,

nor the politically correct,

and,

rarely,

well,

never,

is it,

to everyone’s taste,

or even tasteful,

but,

that isn’t the point of satire,

the point,

is,

to draw attention,

to,

the ridiculous.

Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement- from Wikipedia

We live in an,

increasingly humourless world,

of taking things like,

blasphemy and satire,

much too seriously,

seems to me.

People’s religious rights,

and,

at times,

quite insane views,

on infidels,

on sin,

on so many other things,

are given more,

importance,

than,

free speech.

It also seems to me,

that the radical religious,

points of view,

of any and all religions,

have taken,

center stage in the media,

wether it be,

the American evangelical right,

Jewish expansionism,

or Muslim Jihadists,

these are the representatives,

of these faiths,

we see on television,

and,

it is quite bothersome,

that the muslim fundamentalists,

are portrayed as terrorists,

but,

not so the Evangelicals,

and,

the Orthodox Jews,

and,

yet,

they are just as much,

perpetrators of terrorism,

the Evangelicals,

by killing,

reason and science,

and,

holding the American and Canadian governments,

hostage to their vision,

allowing people to be left out,

in the cold,

in the name of God,

and,

the almighty dollar

and,

the Israeli government,

attempting to commit,

what can only be described,

as genocide,

on the people of Gaza.

What has happened to our world?

There are good people,

in all faiths and non-faiths,

but,

these are not the people,

we see represented.

The insane viewpoint,

has the floor,

in the media,

it needs to be taken back,

by,

reason and discussion,

and,

attempts,

to get along,

and,

respect,

each other in the world,

we all,

share,

the vast majority of people,

want the same thing,

peace and safety,

a chance at a better future,

for them and their children,

people are people,

not horned devils.

We are allowed,

to not like,

Charlie Hebdo,

Fox News,

The Journal de Montreal,

we are allowed to,

not buy them,

to carry placards in front,

of their offices,

call them names,

even,

but,

gunning down twelve people??

no,

we are not allowed to do that.

Whatever happened to,

agreeing to disagree,

whatever happened to dialogue,

I’m a little bummed with,

the world right now,

people killing senselessly,

and the polar vortex,

not a happy butch.

We must keep reaching,

for reason,

for communication,

for kindness,

it is the way,

I think.

Be well, all of you.

Later girls,

BB

Happy New Year:-)

To all of you,

I wish for you,

all-

the best that life has to offer.

I have gotten,

to a point in my life,

where I enjoy,

New Years’s eve,

and,

New Year Day.

This wasn’t always,

the case,

I guess,

I had these crazy,

ideas about,

New Year’s eve-

Hollywood romanticism,

about what it should be,

wasted a lot of time,

reaching for silly,

visions,

life does not,

morph magically,

at the strike of midnight.

But,

no,

life experience,

is ever,

really,

wasted,

either,

it’s all useful,

sometimes,

just in shedding light,

on what you don’t want.

That is actually,

a good thing.

Honestly,

I don’t need my life to,

change,

drastically,

I am pretty happy,

the way it is.

I don’t really ‘do’

new year’s resolutions

No, but, seriously,:-P

I have year long,

resolutions,

little lifestyle changes,

that aren’t too drastic,

but,

that transform,

slowly, steadily,

that bring about,

real change,

long term,

that start with-

baby steps.

A few years ago it was,

about eating more fruit,

and,

drinking more water,

moving more,

and,

it has meant,

a leaner and stronger me.

This year’s resolutions,

are more,

on a mental and emotional level.

I want to take care of me,

my mind,

my heart,

I want to spend time doing,

things that make me,

happy,

that enrich my life,

that are joyous,

and,

that push me,

intellectually,

creatively.

I want to continue,

trusting my voice.

This year has been a year,

of great discovery,

in that area,

but,

I feel I may have taken,

a few steps back,

lately.

It happens,

and you have to take,

backward steps,

when dancing,

right?

So, this year,

work on the photography,

read more,

write more,

experience new things,

get out,

move,

keep eating oatmeal,

take care of the ole bod,

so it will continue,

getting me around,

town and life.

Worry less,

what others think,

except those who you truly,

respect,

who have your back,

even if they are being,

critical,

critical is a good thing,

when done,

with truth.

Keep away from drama,

unless I go to,

the theatre or the cinema,

or need to face things,

in my life,

or help,

my people,

face things in theirs.

Work on being kinder,

work on being,

more open minded

work on being more loving,

eschew defensiveness,

but,

don’t take shit.

Keep reaching,

for my dreams,

while doing,

the work,

it requires,

keep on keeping on.

Yes,

let it be,

resolved.

Be well and happy all of you.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT Category

Well, the Christmas festivities,

are almost over for me,

we still have a family dinner,

but,

it will be on the third of January,

so after New Year.

It happens,

colds, viruses,

come in and create some chaos in plans,

the best thing to do,

take it in stride and reschedule,

just makes things,

last longer.

Been a nice Christmas,

not too much,

just right,

nice presents,

good times,

family,

friends,

meeting new people,

nice people.

New Year’s,

for me,

is an introspective time,

I like to look back on the,

year,

passed,

look towards  the new one.

2014,

was an interesting year,

it was chock full of new experiences,

big and small,

a time of great confidence and peace,

a time of fear and immense grief.

I find that at the near dawn,

of 2015,

I am stronger and happier,

than I have been for a long time,

and,

yet,

I find that challenges,

many challenges,

are stretched out,

before me,

of course all years,

all phases,

of life,

have challenges,

aging has different ones,

than did,

youth.

I will be fifty this year,

and,

my mom will be seventy-five,

big,

significant numbers.

A few thoughts have been floating,

in me,

my mind,

my heart,

these last weeks of 2014,

some have been there,

a while,

gratitude,

for all that I have,

and,

I certainly don’t mean material things.

I mean my mom,

my friends,

my love,

the freedom I have,

through them and their,

love and support,

and,

belief,

in me,

to be,

me,

I have this sort of belief,

that I am more,

me,

than I ever have been.

Odd, good feeling.

This year,

brought with it,

meeting and breaking with,

new people,

I think I may have found out,

a few things,

about myself,

through these ‘meetings’.

That I am both more,

naive and less tolerant,

than I believed myself to be.

I am not intolerant,

that isn’t what I mean,

I mean that I have less,

of a tolerance for certain types,

of behaviours,

than I used to.

I no longer have this,

incessant need to have,

people like me,

I believe give and take,

and respect,

civility and good humour,

are essential,

that truth is important,

and that it is,

a relative concept,

your truth,

may not to be,

mine,

and,

that is fine.

I don’t want to take on,

drama,

from other people,

I want to concentrate on me,

and,

mine,

my people,

my dreams and joy.

I understand that people,

many people,

have messed up lives,

full of past issues,

that makes their lives,

hard,

I feel for people,

and,

I think,

I am a good friend,

an ear, a shoulder,

and,

a few are to me,

as well.

I enjoy meeting new people,

adding new ideas,

perspectives to my life,

but,

this may be a year,

of looking inward,

for the new,

and,

the inspiration

Looking towards,

2015,

and,

my fiftieth year,

I feel confident and clear,

it’s a very good feeling,

knowing what you want,

who you are,

and,

taking the time,

necessary to accomplish,

your goals.

Here is wishing all of you,

a very happy new year,

filled with joys,

big and small,

love and breathing room,

and,

working on your dreams,

whatever they might be.

Massive hug.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

I hope all of you,

are well and healthy,

and,

looking forward to some pleasant,

holiday plans.

My calendar is all booked up,

lots,

of fun and joyous times,

coming up.

I still have a few days,

of survey monkeying,

before a few days off,

for Christmas.

I have almost finished,

my shopping and prep,

there will quiet days,

for movie watching,

and,

reading and being with mom,

and,

there will be friend and family time,

should be nice.

Funny,

I have been thinking about,

going to midnight mass,

with mom,

on Christmas eve.

I can hear my atheist friends both dead and alive, screaming:-)

Fact is, I like churches,

I like the peace and calm,

the iconography,

the ritual,

I always have,

it isn’t a regular thing with me,

I am not a religious person,

but,

as many things in my life,

in the world,

I am not sure,

so I have been,

most of my life,

an agnostic.

I respect peoples faith.

I don’t like religion,

I think,

everyday and throughout history,

we see and have seen examples,

of the horror and small mindedness,

religion brings to the world,

and yet…

some of the best and kindest people,

I know are people of faith,

many are also not.

I will not be going to,

midnight mass,

looking for God,

I will go to commune,

with my fellow humans,

with my ancestors,

going to listen to the holy music,

watch the ritual.

I have been taking pictures,

of the chapel attached to the old convent,

near work,

I have taken them in all seasons,

with my camera,

with my phone.

The site is beautiful,

peaceful,

an oasis in a busy,

street,

city,

day,

strangely enough,

the site,

grounds me,

and gives me wings,

it calms me,

and,

fires my imagination.

I thought you all might enjoy some,

pics from every season,

to every season turn, turn turn.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category

It’s coming on Christmas,
They’re cutting down trees.
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace,
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on-River by Joni Mitchell

I think like many of you,

out there,

I have mixed feelings,

about Christmas.

I like it,

and,

I don’t.

I like the spirit of it,

I don’t like what that ‘spirit’,

has often,

come to mean,

and,

the time it lasts,

well,

it’s nuts.

I started listening to Christmas music, yesterday, the fifteenth of December, is more than early enough in my book.

I do like Christmas music,

the hoky and the spiritual,

the funny and the irreverent.

I like that I will be spending time,

with people I love,

my wonderful family and friends,

I miss,

the missing members of my family,

and of course,

a few friends,

who I have lost over the years.

Christmas is a time for rejoicing,

in what we have,

and,

remembering,

all that has made us,

who we are,

a time for reaching out to our fellow humans.

Of course,

I also think reaching out,

and,

having compassion for those less,

fortunate,

the lonely suffering people,

should not be restricted to Christmas,

but,

the social pressure,

the constant media barrage,

about Christmas,

can’t be pleasant or easy for those,

who have nothing and no-one.

And then there are those,

who have people,

but, don’t like those people.

Let us spend time with those we love,

not waste time with those,

who anger and make us feel bad,

about ourselves,

seek out those who bring us joy and warmth,

those we love,

if those people happen to fit,

the socially acceptable parameters of Christmas,

fine,

but,

if they don’t,

well they don’t,

be,

true to your heart.

Sure,

be kind and make an effort,

to alleviate loneliness,

spread some cheer and laughter,

but,

don’t allow yourself to develop,

an ulcer or feel chest pains,

because you want to throttle,

your mother,

your sister in law,

your uncle Morrie.

Spend time with friends,

volunteer in a soup kitchen,

don’t spend time with people you can’t stand,

it just isn’t good for you,

and,

this isn’t supposed to be hard,

it’s supposed to be joyful,

remember?

Of course,

even in loving families,

there are hard years,

there are fights and misunderstandings,

it happens,

but,

as long as you feel the love,

underneath,

you will ride through the bad years,

the difficult personalities,

life and even Christmas,

isn’t always about Hallmark moments.

Life is also about duty,

and,

not just a hedonistic whirl,

around the dance floor,

but,

toxic should be avoided,

at all cost,

that shit will kill you.

Don’t exhaust yourself,

don’t go into debt,

but,

share the work and the joy.

Christmas to me isn’t about,

the birth of Christ,

it is about what I was taught,

it was,

good will towards all,

and presents,

let’s not forget presents!!

Have a a very merry,

coming on Christmas,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category

I was reading Austin Kleon’s blog,

the other day,

I like Kleon,

he wrote two books,

that I read and very much enjoyed,

this year:

Steal Like An Artist and Share Your Work,

pleasant, easy, short, thought provoking books.

The blog entry,

was about how people spend December,

reflecting on the past year,

but,

December,

is a month to work and create,

too,

a month like any other.

I agree with him,

but,

since,

I am reflective and retrospective,

by nature.

I have made a few decisions,

in the last few weeks,

and,

they are part of ,

what I am calling,

in my mind at least:-)

the great end of year clean up.

It really won’t be,

that sweeping,

but,

I am implementing some,

changes.

I will spend less time on social media,

because contrary to some,

of my friends,

I don’t multi task well.

I will spend more time reading,

I have allowed myself,

this year,

to be distracted,

by things and people,

not all that,

worthy,

of my distraction.

So,

off goes,

the phone and the face book,

at least during the hours,

that I write and edit photographs.

I will spend time with people,

I want to spend time with,

who’s company I enjoy,

people who reciprocate,

people I have a real connection with,

because as a friend of mine says,

I am not Mother Teresa,

and trying to fill the chasm,

left by my anarchist,

is an impossibility.

I have a few,

precious friends,

I think they know who they are,

I also have many acquaintances,

people of like interests,

people who spending time with,

is,

enriching or fun.

Gone will be the dementors,

A Harry Potter reference, the guards around Azkhaban prison, they suck the soul and energy out of people who attempt to escape or enter, we all know and have dementors in our lives

life is too short,

for people,

who make time pass,

so,

slowly.

This might,

for some of you,

be in the category of,

Duh!!??

Not so for me,

I have,

my whole life,

been a magnet for truly odd,

people,

that’s fine,

I am not the most conventional sort,

myself,

but,

there is a difference,

between odd,

even argumentative,

people,

and,

soul suckers.

I like people who push me,

to think,

to reflect,

who challenge my complaisance,

and,

my,

‘who knows where they come from’

ideas,

but,

I cannot abide,

people who ‘evangelize’,

‘explain’ what is good for you,

tell you that your opinions,

are ignorant,

because they are not,

theirs.

To be clear, lots of ignorant opinions out there and we should all change our minds about countless things as we grow, learn. I am not closed minded, stubborn and argumentative, sometimes, sure, but, not closed minded.

Lack of respect and not taking responsibility,

for one’s actions and words,

blaming bad behaviour,

and inconsiderateness,

on problems or a hard life,

has it’s limits,

well,

for me,

it does.

So this end of the year,

more reading,

more writing,

photography.

No time for Dementors or Polly Annas,

if that sounds selfish or judgemental,

well…

Have a great one.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category

Some dates,

are important,

for good reasons,

for warm fuzzy reasons,

anniversaries,

birthdays,

milestones,

in our lives,

happy memories.

Some dates live in infamy.

The next few days, a few of those, the Ides of December, to quote my friend,  Arlo.

December 6 Th 1989,

is one such date,

for me,

it is the day that,

14 women were murdered,

at the Ecole Polytechnique,

here in my hometown.

It is known as the,

Montreal massacre.

and tomorrow,

will mark the 25 Th ‘anniversary’

(:

A month before,

that fatal day,

I had been rejoicing-

the fall of the Berlin Wall,

all possibilities,

of a new ‘freer’ world,

lay,

ahead,

and then…

14 young women,

students in engineering

(one of the women was a secretary, another was a nursing student waiting for her husband, a student at the engineering school)

gunned down,

for being,

women,

for being feminists,

for taking the place of men.

Many people have said,

the gunman was mad,

it was an isolated case,

not really violence against women,

in a regular way,

that we shouldn’t equate this,

act of a madman,

with domestic violence,

sexual agression etc,

right,

so much easier to say,

that-

to blame insanity.

I have never spoken that,

scum’s name,

I never will,

he does not deserve,

a place,

in my memory bank,

nor the sound of my voice.

I chose to remember the women:

Geneviève Bergeron (born 1968), civil engineering student
Hélène Colgan (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Nathalie Croteau (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Barbara Daigneault (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Anne-Marie Edward (born 1968), chemical engineering student
Maud Haviernick (born 1960), materials engineering student
Maryse Laganière (born 1964), budget clerk in the École Polytechnique’s finance department
Maryse Leclair (born 1966), materials engineering student
Anne-Marie Lemay (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Sonia Pelletier (born 1961), mechanical engineering student
Michèle Richard (born 1968), materials engineering student
Annie St-Arneault (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Annie Turcotte (born 1969), materials engineering student
Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz (born 1958), nursing student

I wish I could say,

that things have changed,

in the last 25 years,

but,

I fear that isn’t,

true.

Women are still,

victims,

of violence,

of neglect,

of belittling,

of second class citizen status,

even,

in a country as modern,

and,

free,

as mine.

To many,

too many,

calling themselves feminists,

seems to equate man hatters,

I see women defending their love,

of men,

and stating the platitude,

that not all men are violent.

As an old high school friend of mine used to say, No shit Sherlock!!!

Here’s another,

case of stating the obvious:

not all white policemen, kill young black men,

but…

I wasn’t raised to think,

women were less,

I was raised to think,

people were people,

some,

good,

some,

not so much,

that it had very little to do,

with their,

genitalia,

preferences,

or race.

That what mattered was,

intelligence,

kindness,

family,

your word,

and getting things done.

Trust people,

but,

above all,

trust yourself,

your instincts and your bullshit detector,

don’t be a joiner,

but,

help,

those who need it.

I have always believed in live and let live,

but,

I now find that when,

people spout,

crap about feminism,

I want to scream-

READ,

look around,

what dream world do you live in???

But,

I don’t,

I try reasonably,

sometimes I fail at that part,

to say we do not live in a world of equality,

there is still a gender division,

a racial division,

a have and have not division,

that we can change that,

but,

only if we recognize that it exists,

and,

work together to stop,

the violence,

the hate,

and the belief in the system,

that perpetuates these ‘norms’.

We should all call ourselves,

feminists,

we should all scream,

that we can’t breathe,

and,

don’t shoot,

we should all have a right,

to safety,

shelter,

a living wage,

an education,

a better future,

we owe it to the victims of,

too many

Polytechniques,

too many,

Fergusons,

too many,

Gazas,

too many more scenes of carnage and hatred,

we owe it to our children,

to fight back,

to break this cycle,

to build a better world,

with the bridges,

of engineers…