Back to work!

Hello you all,

keeping well,

I trust.

My convalescence is over,

back to work today.

:-)

It will be good to get back,

to a  routine.

I will still be working,

part time,

a little,

under twenty hours a week.

I was very tired before,

even at twenty hours a week,

so,

I need some time,

to evaluate,

my level of energy, fitness, etc,

before I take on another job,

and/or projects.

The alien that was removed,

this is how I refer to what was my gigantic fibroid, and if you had seen it you might refer to it that way, too.

was,

sucking me dry,

energy wise,

but,

it’s gone now,

hallelujah!!

and, now,

I build up reserves,

of strength,

of creativity.

I find the next road,

I’m pretty sure,

I know where it is,

but,

I also need,

a decent source of income,

to help me finance,

the future.

So, I predict a Summer of,

work, reading, photography, thinking,

communing with nature

absorbing vitamin D,

and,

going…

forward.

Got three books going at once,

right now,

will give you some idea of what I think of them,

on the weekend.

Be well,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

Posted in My Ramblings | 2 Comments

The 15 % minority

Spring has sprung,

the ole butch,

is slimmer,

than…

well,

I don’t remember,

when.

:-)

I have read a little,

since my last post,

making my way through,

a romance novel,

my love,

sent me for convalescence,

I am also,

working my way through,

Siegfried Sassoon’s -Memoirs of An Infantry Officer,

one is about a brave lady knight,

and,

the other is about an honest man,

a poet,

‘telling’ what the war really did to men.

Still slow going,

the reading.

I am walking more and more,

everyday,

should be back to work,

within the next three weeks.

The healing process,

goes on,

remarkably well,

I was/am so lucky,

in my robust health,

and,

in not having a serious illness,

a major surgery,

but,

not a life altering illness,

really lucky.

It would seem,

that along with being,

of the minority,

who,

grows fibroids of,

the mega variety,

I ain’t whistling dixie there my friends, we are talking almost 25 pounds, yup, you read that right!

I am also of the minority,

maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, might be tempting faith:-)

fifteen percent minority,

of women who go through,

menopause,

without hot flashes.

Not a one,

no night sweats,

nothin’.

My surgery was seven weeks ago,

I had been pretty much,

in menopause,

eight or nine months previous,

but,

with the hysterectomy,

I was in menopause,

surgical menopause.

I have had no hot flashes,

but,

oh my,

the mood swings,

I’ve had them for years,

they seemed to be,

getting better last year,

but,

now,

they are back with a vengeance.

When they happen,

I am hard to take,

really hard to take.

I am  a gifted practitioner of the understatement

Good thing I am as charming,

as I am,

the rest of the time,

because when the mood swings are at their,

height,

I am unbearable.

I jest,

but,

honestly,

it isn’t really funny,

and,

these are things that need to be,

talked about,

demystified,

etc.

From what I hear,

the mood swings are better,

than the flashes,

we bear what we must.

I do not wish to excuse my moods,

nor am I proud of them,

I try to control them,

hold on,

breathe,

deeply,

and,

hope they will pass,

and,

that when they do,

my friends,

my mother,

and,

my girl,

will still be speaking to me.

 

Minority, marginal,

that’s me,

and,

that’s ok.

It is my road,

it is my voice.

“I haven’t had much to say, lately”

I told my young friend,

Renaud,

when we were walking by the river,

on Sunday,

“then, maybe you should make others say things, have characters talk and say’.

He’s a smart guy,

astute, sensitive,

wise beyond his years.

I told him,

I didn’t write fiction,

that my character,

was,

basically,

an alter ego,

BB,

was/is,

me,

a little braver and funnier.

That I was,

more,

a columnist,

a memoirist,

but,

as we walked,

along the river,

I began to see what he meant,

that there were,

lots of voices,

clamoring,

that,

perhaps,

the constant,

cacophony in my head,

could be silenced,

through giving,

voice,

to all those,

voices,

we shall see.

Be well,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

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When you start to get bored…you must be feeling better

I am feeling better and better,

everyday.

I am feeling good enough,

to start feeling bored.

I would like to get out,

more.

I do get out,

but,

it’s been cold,

and,

Montreal is the land,

of,

the treacherous,

sidewalk,

so I must be careful,

slipping and falling,

is not really an option.

Makes photography opportunities,

limited as well, but,

Spring will come,

it always does.

I need to be patient,

with myself,

with the process and my body.

I am recovering from a serious,

operation,

I am healing well.

Now,

that I feel more comfortable,

sitting,

walking,

sleeping,

now,

that I don’t live with the anxiety of,

possible infection etc,

now that I am recovering from,

obsessive mode

:-)

I should be able to start,

Reading books.

Reading in  book form,

both,

fiction and non-fiction,

has been,

a problem for me,

was hard to find,

a comfortable position to read in,

I have managed since the second week,

to sit at my desk for short periods,

that have gradually stretched out.

So computer reading and writing,

I have managed,

a little.

I stumbled on this site called,

longreads.com,

the best longform stories on the web,

it’s fabulous,

curates articles, essays,

from magazines, newspapers, websites,

check it out,

so mostly non-fiction and plowing my way,

through Meditations by Marcus Aurelius,

my pile of fiction,

serious and otherwise,

awaits.

and,

I have,

an objective of about twenty books read,

by the time I go back to work,

I still have five weeks of recovery.

I feel confident I will make it,

the body is better,

now I need to,

stimulate,

feed,

entertain,

the mind.

:-)

Today is March 27 th,

today is my anarchist’s birthday.

A year ago,

he was in Nunavut,

visiting his son and daughter in law,

celebrating his birthday.

The anarchist didn’t really believe,

in celebrating birthdays,

exchanging gifts etc,

but,

he believed in making people,

happy.

I had no money for a present,

plus,

he was a man who didn’t need,

much,

I decided I would write,

an ode to him,

to our friendship,

in the most public,

yet,

respectful fashion,

I could think of,

I wrote a blog post,

http://bookishbutch.com/?p=4286

and,

I sent him the link in a happy birthday email.

He wrote me a beautiful email,

it touched him,

that made me very happy.

Six weeks later,

my friend was dead.

(:

I am so glad I wrote that blog post,

that even if he knew,

what our friendship meant to me,

this ode clearly witnessed,

a,

deep love and admiration.

I miss him,

still,

I imagine it will be always,

but,

as he would say,

life goes on and life is beautiful,

and,

it is,

truly.

Be well,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

….

 

 

Posted in My Ramblings | Tagged | 2 Comments

recouping dreams

Last night,

I dreamt that,

Barbra Streisand and I,

were,

chatting,

just chatting,

like old friends,

on the phone,

I know,

it sounds ridiculous,

but,

I woke up,

with a smile on my face.

:-)

My dreams have been,

difficult of late,

bloody and painful,

even,

and,

a silly dream about,

someone,

who,

I only ‘know’ because,

she is famous,

made me feel,

good,

comfortable,

I woke with a smile,

and,

that is wonderful.

My recovery has been,

excellent,

things are moving along,

on,

or,

ahead of,

schedule,

I am healing.

My scar looks better,

everyday,

my pain improves,

everyday,

the pain isn’t bad,

more discomfort than pain,

I feel stronger and less tired,

too.

Seems to me I have been tired,

for years.

My body image has also,

vastly improved,

lose a fibroid the size,

of a soccer ball,

and,

two others,

not much smaller,

and,

you’ve got a vastly reduced,

gut.

A smaller gut,

even if it looks – funny, at this point, a bit like a deflated balloon,

is still a smaller gut,

I’ve ‘dreamt’ of a smaller gut,

for years,

and now,

I have it,

it makes me feel better,

about myself,

my looks,

and,

recouping my dreams,

from the realm of,

bloody miscarriages,

and,

surgeries,

does too.

I feel pretty good you all,

middle of the road to,

recovery,

all is well.

Later girls,

BB

Posted in My Ramblings | 2 Comments

’tis done

Hello you all,

it’s nice to be back,

sitting at my desk.

Well,

I had my surgery,

two weeks ago,

yesterday,

and,

it went,

well.

You hear,

all kinds of stories,

and,

lots of people,

try to scare you,

about surgery,

and,

the healthcare system,

most people,

are supportive,

and,

tell you,

everything,

is going to be alright.

You need to listen to,

yourself,

inform,

yourself,

and,

at one point,

trust that all will be ok.

I was plenty scared,

kind of shitless,

in fact.

They called me,

the day before the surgery,

I had to get there for 3 pm,

I was real nervous,

the night before,

I didn’t really sleep,

in spite of a mild tranquillizer,

but,

the next morning,

when they came to get me,

when they wheeled,

my bed down,

the hallway,

that’s  a unique perspective for you, never experienced that form of locomotion before and it is kind of freaky, early morning quiet and time stands still sort of thing, but, with motion, impossible to explain, well for me, anyway.

and,

then passed me off,

to the operating room,

personel,

I felt calm,

I felt like I was in,

the hands,

of true and caring,

professionals,

and,

I ‘knew’ all would be well.

At no time,

did anyone treat me,

with anything but,

respect.

They respected my intelligence,

by answering my questions,

and,

never talking down to me,

they were fabulous,

before,

and,

after,

and from what I can,

surmise,

during,

as well.

I was under the influence,

of some very powerful drugs,

during the operation,

which lasted 4 hours,

if ever you are offered an epidural as an option, take it

and,

was quite complex,

they removed,

all my lady parts,

as well,

as three giant fibroids,

giant is the appropriate word.

Let me put it this way,

I dropped over twenty pounds,

from the surgery,

and uteruses and stuff,

barely weigh,

anything,

so you do the math

:-)

This is a good thing,

not only will I be healthier,

as a result,

of having these aliens,

removed,

but,

I will also be quasi svelte,

life is,

good.

I’m doing well,

you all,

I am gently walking,

the road to recovery.

Just wanted you all to know.

I was so scared,

but,

at the end of the line…

well,

it was ok.

Some people are fighting real,

life and death battles,

my thing,

wasn’t nearly that,

serious,

and,

for this I count,

myself,

lucky.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

Posted in My Ramblings | 4 Comments

Waiting

I have spent the last,

month,

of deep freeze, polar vortex,

in the house,

waiting for a call,

from the hospital.

I’ve had my pre ops,

tests, info, probing and prodding.

I’ve given up smoking.

13 days and counting,

and,

still,

I wait.

It’s hard to get out,

it’s so damn cold,

I mean really cold,

not wussy cold,

friggin’ cold,

burn through your clothes,

cold.

I have to be careful,

money wise,

count the pennies,

I have to keep,

strong,

positive,

for the surgery,

I am going,

mental,

loca,

everyday,

I think today is the day,

they are going to call,

I am going to get a date,

for the surgery.

and then I’ll wait for the surgery…

and then I’ll wait to see,

if it’s more serious than the fibroids…

and then I will wait ’til I am strong enough,

again.

Waiting,

it’s all about,

waiting,

times like these,

I wish I was a believer,

I wish I could find solace,

in the words of the bible,

or the Milton quote,

in his poem On His Blindness:

They also serve who only stand and wait.”

but, I don’t,

I know I must wait,

I am resigned to it,

I wait,

no choice,

but,

it’s hard,

my life,

where it will go,

and,

when,

it’s very hard,

to think,

to concentrate,

to breathe deep,

to stay Zen,

but,

I must,

I do,

I will.

I wish Francoys was around,

I wish I could have a smoke,

I wish it would hurry up,

and,

happen,

already,

but,

in between,

the wishing and the freaking,

I’ll just keep,

waiting.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

 

Posted in My Ramblings | 2 Comments

Giving up…the ‘evil’ weed

Good morning you all.

Ok,

so you all know,

I am having surgery,

and,

on Friday,

I had my pre op tests,

all is good,

but,

they convinced me,

I have to give up,

smoking,

at least a week before,

surgery,

and,

while in the hospital,

I won’t be able to smoke,

either.

This is a big deal for me,

huge.

I am a smoker.

You know how some people,

are,

chocolate people,

some people,

drink,

I am a smoker,

I have been,

for all of my adult life,

all of it.

It didn’t used to be,

such a big deal,

lots of people used to smoke,

but,

nowadays,

you smoke,

you are a pariah,

all your qualities,

as a human being,

are questioned,

because,

you smoke!!

It seems to be,

the most disgusting habit,

anyone can have,

personally, I think, judging people is worse but, that’s me

in public and media perception,

smoking is slightly better than,

thievery,

but,

only slightly.

I am not giving up,

smoking because,

of public perception,

or social pressure,

if ,

I felt those pulls,

I would have given it up,

years ago,

no,

I am giving it up,

because the pre op nurse,

made a good case,

how,

not smoking,

would,

be,

helpful for surgery,

better oxygen in the blood,

less risk of infection,

better recovery,

a good case,

not a judgemental one.

So, at the end of my morning,

when I met with an internist,

talk about judgmental, you know the type, just graduated, knows everything.

Anyway,

she gave me,

a prescription for nicotine gum,

told me it was free,

it’s not,

it’s partially covered by the government insurance plan.

All this to say,

tomorrow,

Monday the 9 th of February 2015,

I am giving up,

smoking,

I will remain a smoker,

but,

I won’t smoke,

it’s my informed decision.

I anticipate,

it being one of the hardest things,

I have ever done,

but,

do it,

I will.

and I just went public with it,

I am a smoker,

I just chose,

not to smoke,

anymore.

Later girls,

BB

 

Posted in My Ramblings | 2 Comments

reading list

I am,

as I mentioned,

yesterday,

in prep mode.

I am assembling a reading list.

For the waiting,

for the hospital,

for the convalescence,

it’s fun.

Trying to pick,

small but deep books,

for the traveling,

waiting in between tests.

I have just started,

Selected Stories of Sholom Alechem,

it’s been on my shelf for years,

these are the stories,

they based Fiddler On The Roof,

on.

I love things to do with history,

and am particularly interested in,

Jewish history,

these are short stories,

just right for commuting,

keeping your focus,

elsewhere.

I also have a few,

small vintage paperbacks,

The Power And The Glory,

Graham Greene,

The Loved One,

Evelyn Waugh,

a small Lorna Doone,

which my girl gave me years ago,

and,

I haven’t gotten around to reading.

For the convalescence,

I have Of Human Bondage,

by Maugham,

one of my favourites,

and,

a pile of dyke romances,

and,

adventure stories.

There are a few french books,

I have been meaning to read,

two Jacques Godbout(s)

and some classic French stuff,

amongst others,

Therese Desqueyroux,

by Francois Mauriac,

L’immoraliste,

by Andre Gide,

Le Grand Meaulnes,

by Alain Fournier,

and,

some light stuff,

The Hunger Games,

which mom loved.

A few non-fictions,

A Short History Of Progress,

Ways Of Seeing by John Berger,

lots of reading in sight,

it will help keep me busy,

focused, occupied,

and,

moving forward to the next,

great adventures,

of my life.

After the surgery,

which will remove a very large,

fibroid,

who knows,

I might become known as,

the svelte bookish butch,

or SBB,

for short

:-)

Be well,

you all,

see you on the flip side.

Later girls,

BB

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Please, no flowers

Hello all,

sorry,

for the quiet of late,

BB,

is in prep mode,

for the surgery,

you know.

So…

a combination,

of reaching for Zen.

and,

freaking out

:-)

This morning,

the hospital,

called,

I have an appointment,

for the pre op tests,

that means the op,

will follow,

soon,

after,

I’m good with that,

I mean I’m scared,

shitless,

but,

good with that,

you know?

I have been writing,

a lot,

I have taken a bunch,

of pics,

I have done lots,

of research about,

hormones,

things to eat,

while,

recovering,

that sort of thing.

I imagine,

all of us,

handle it differently,

the waiting.

Some pray,

I guess,

some,

haul up by themselves,

me?

well,

I talk about it,

I write about it,

I obsess about it,

until,

I can get,

my head,

my heart,

around it,

control,

my reactions,

it is my process,

it is my way,

I don’t advocate it being,

anyone else’s way,

it’s just mine,

I reach in,

I reach out,

I get every bit of info,

I can,

I fill in the variables,

and then,

I am ready,

doesn’t mean the outcome,

will be what,

I planned,

or how,

I envisioned,

it,

but,

once I have my picture,

in place,

my equation,

‘solved’,

I’m good.

On Friday,

I will ask more questions,

and,

then I will be good to go.

I have read,

the booklet the hospital,

gave me,

three times,

I know what to bring,

what to expect,

I know,

to tell people,

loved ones,

friends,

no flowers.

Apparently,

they are dangerous for infection,

not so much,

for me,

I expect,

I’m not sick,

but,

some people,

who share the wing,

have some,

badass cancer shit going on,

so no flowers,

please.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

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A Butch and her Uterus

canadian blog awards

 

 

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Well,

let,

me start by stating,

that I realize the title,

of this post,

will freak,

a few of you,

right out.

That isn’t,

my intention,

but,

it is,

my intention,

to write,

about something,

serious,

that many women face,

every day.

For the last two days,

I have been,

in abject terror mode.

On Wednesday morning,

I found out,

that I had to have,

a complete,

hysterectomy,

complete,

uterus,

ovaries,

fallopian tubes,

everything,

that,

is a terrifying thing to hear.

But, after two days,

of talking it out,

worrying,

and,

getting info,

and feedback,

from other women.

I realize it could have,

been so much,

worse.

I do not have cancer,

what I have,

is a big fibroid,

very big,

massive.

I have a great surgeon,

and,

a top notch team,

my health is good,

I have no pain,

the fibroid,

has to come out

because,

it could lead to,

other problems,

with my internal organs.

Still,

the prognosis is excellent.

So, after spending,

not,

much,

time,

in my life,

thinking about my uterus,

the next few months,

will  pretty much,

be,

all about my uterus.

…………….

Today,

I got my hair cut,

very short,

GI Jane,

Ripley in Alien 3,

short,

because,

I am taking on,

a big fight,

and,

I want to concentrate,

all my energy,

on winning,

I need to keep,

my body and mind,

healthy,

sharp,

keep a positive attitude,

and,

trust that,

the very competent,

people,

in charge of my care,

will do what needs,

to be done.

I am writing about it,

because,

it is a big deal to me,

and I write about,

things,

that are a big deal to me,

not so much because,

I am self-obsessed,

as some may,

think,

:-)

but,

because,

lots of things,

that we think affect only us,

do in fact have,

a universality to them.

The health issues,

or challenges may,

not be identical,

but,

many of us,

will face these issues,

some,

much more serious,

and we,

all of us,

need to process them.

My blog,

for years,

has been,

my processing,

platform,

it helps me get,

to,

what I real think,

about things,

in a way it is,

a sounding board,

a wall on which,

I throw paint,

it is mine.

Some,

people,

like what I write,

some,

not so much,

and,

that is as it should be,

not everyone,

likes everything,

I certainly don’t.

I try here,

to express my truth,

as I see it,

and understand it,

today,

right,

now.

Right, now,

it is about my uterus.

I will be fine,

because,

the fact is I am so much,

more than a,

uterus.

Thanks for reading,

I hope I didn’t make you,

all too uncomfortable,

or squirmy.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

 

Posted in My Ramblings | 7 Comments