My friend, The Dude

1191

Today, I made a decision,
that all pet people,
make at one time or another,
I made the decision,
to not let my friend,
suffer any longer.

I had notions and dreams,
of Dude, 
going peacefully,
in his sleep,
but, 
life and death,
are rarely stuff of dreams,
harder and grittier and,
more painful,
sometimes.

I chose,
love and to put an end,
to his suffering,
it was hard,
he was scared, he cried,
he raged and hissed,
I held him,
told him I loved him,
I was there,
he quieted down,
and,
in a few minutes,
he was asleep,
I held him, 
and spoke in soft loving,
tones,
I tried not to cry,
I wanted the last things,
he heard to be,
how much I loved him,
and,
what a good and loyal friend,
he had been,
I tried to be that to him,
as well.

It's hard,
so hard,

I know he is at peace,
that his hips,
allow him to jump,
again,
and,
that he is in a land,
of peace and light.

My mom, put,
it beautifully,
goodbye Doudou, be happy.

RIP The Dude,
you were my friend,
for sixteen years,
I don't know how old,
you were,
between eighteen and twenty,
a good long life,
you've earned your rest

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Two years ago…

Hello all,
hope you are all,
hanging in.
I had a bit of,
a scare with,
my thyroid,
had,
a lump,
kind of big,
that required a,
biopsy,
results are in,
no Cancer,
and now,
to concentrate,
on getting,
mom,
right as rain.

I have always loved,
that expression.
Rain washes,
away,
dirt and tension filled,
humidity,
rain rights things,
things grow,
flowers, trees,
ideas,
rain is peaceful,
rain helps,
dormant ideas,
...
emerge,
right as rain.
The universe rights,
itself,
right as rain.

Two years ago,
today,
I had drink on,
a lovely terrace,
with my girl,
and,
her daughter,
followed by,
dinner at my favourite,
Verdun eatery,
it was a Wednesday,
my day off,
quiet everywhere,
but,
Spring in the air,
and,
two days before,
my birthday.
It was a very good day.

I got home,
checked my emails.
What had been,
a lovely afternoon,
and,
evening,
turned into,
a night of pain,
of deep,
unrelenting,
sadness.
Two years ago,
I lost my friend,
Francoys,
known to my readers,
here,
as: the anarchist.
My friend, the anarchist
My world changed, that night. It got a little darker, it got a little sadder, it certainly got, a little lonelier. I lost a friend, I lost a confidant.
Chasm
I have few friends, those I have, I like, I love, are top notch, I know many people, I like lots of people. I am a friendly person, I think. I don't open up, easily I realize this might be hard to fathom, after all, I do write a blog in which I share, my etats d'ame and the what can appear as minutia, of my life, hysterectomies and hormones, fights, and bridge bombings, but, that's different, to opening up, face to face, person to person. I had absolute trust, in Francoys, he listened and talked, I listened, we had a perfect friend, accord. I miss him, I will never stop missing him. I am not angry at him, I do not think, he should have taken, better care of himself, he was perfect, as he was, a walking laughing, mass of contradictions, an intellectual, a man of tender heart, a man who was well loved, in life, and, continues to be, after his death. He was very tough, and, could cry at the, drop of a hat. He knew his own, mind, his own heart, and, understood his many, appetites. There isn't a day, I don't wish, we could talk, drink coffee, have dinner, walk and laugh, shoot the shit, fix the world. Giving up smoking, was easier, because, after all, who can you really, smoke with, nowadays? This morning, I watched a John Waters, interview, about Cy Twombly, and, contemporary art, and, smiled, Francoys loved, Waters. I miss you my friend, rest in peace Be well you all, Later girls, BB

Bareoke

I promise you all,
that this post,
will have,
a much lighter tone,
than,
yesterday's.
I have left the forest..

I have entered the,
urban jungle,
I am walking down,
Ste-Catherine,
turning left on,
St-Laurent,
the Main,
going to,
the last vestige of,
crass, loud and queer,
Main,
the gladiators,
against,
gentrification and sameness,
yes,
bois and girls--
we have entered,
Cafe Cleopatre,
and,
it is,
Bareoke,
oh yeah, baby,
strip Karaoke.

I had so much fun,
I sang along,
I chair danced,
I saw some beautiful,
people,
clothed and otherwise,
I saw some not,
so beautiful people,
clothed and otherwise.
I saw people having fun,
letting it all hang out,
I saw some shy people,
and,
some shameless,
exhibitionists,
and,
that is all cool,
coz,
we were all,
adults.

It was a young crowd,
but,
there were a few of us,
with a little snow on the,
rooftop.
But, last night,
I was twelve,
when a couple sang Summer Nights.
In my intense College years,
when a young lady was Janet,
from Rocky Horror Picture Show
I didn't recognize it, 
I am a time warp kind of girl,
when I wondered what this was,
to my friend, Timothy,
he actually asked,
with more than a twinge of horror,
'are you even gay???'

I howled with laughter,
Timothy,
get's line of the night. 

I am,
very gay,
let me make that,
perfectly clear
:-)

I had a nice time,
a few beers,
laughed,
with some,
people who's company,
I enjoy,
immensely

I will be returning,
next time,
with enough beer,
I might even sing,
but,
probably not

Happy Mother's day to all the moms out there

Be well, you all,
Later girls,
BB


Let the squirrels nest

Hello all,
the Spring is full on,
here,
in the beautiful ugly,
hope it is,
where you are,
as well.

Been a bit of a weird week,
worried about up and coming,
test results and,
my mom,
has stuff going on,
I won't get into it,
but,
it's on my mind.

This week also brought,
an end to what had been,
a long friendship.
Sometimes,
it is,
the right thing to do,
walk away,
from a friendship.
Some differences are,
irreconcilable.

Being friends with someone,
because you have known them for,
thirty years,
is not a good enough reason.

I get,
scars,
everyone has them,
everyone has a past,
part of growing,
is living,
with the past,
not living,
in the past.
The past informs,
all that we are,
but,
the past can't be,
all that we are.

I had a friend,
once,
let's call her,
Debbie
(not even close to her real name)
I gave her a million chances,
she blew all of them,
and,
always asked for forgiveness,
all the while,
being belligerent,
and,
sort of implying,
that it was my fault.
Borderline,
abusive relationship.
I don't want that from,
anyone,
cutting people slack,
understanding,
human foibles,
and weaknesses,
does not mean putting up,
with abuse.

Debbie,
now lives in,
Debbieville,
I don't visit,
Debbieville,
I don't even know where,
Debbieville,
is,
I don't care,
she wrung every last drop of,
caring,
out of me.

Debbieville now has a suburb,
let's call it,
Jimmytown,
I don't know,
where that is,
but,
that's ok,
I have no intention of,
ever,
visiting.
I hope the climate is mild,
and, 
that the inhabitants of both,
Debbieville and Jimmytown,
find peace of mind.

Being fifty,
facing,
life changing issues,
losing loved ones,
this helps,
see the forest for the trees,
deadwood is deadwood,
no need to chop it down,
walk away,
let the squirrels nest.

Have a great week,
you all,
later girls,
BB






A really good day

Hope all is well,
with all of you.
Saturday, 
was a really good day,
for me.

I took my mom out for dumplings,
in Chinatown.
They were delicious,
she loved them.
The weather was great,
we walked and,
walked some more.

Up to Ste-Catherine, 
went to the Bay,
she loved the Topshop line.

We kept going,
and, 
nipped into Simmons,
she bought us some hats.
I got a terrific,
Rains (Danish brand) rain hat,
and,
she got a cute straw trilby.

We had coffee at our favourite,
Starbuck's.
Enjoyed each other's company.

We got back on the metro(subway)
and headed out to the Pointe,
an old Montreal neighbourhood,
very close to our own Verdun.
The Pointe has working class,
tough roots,
but,
it has gentrified quite a bit,
in recent years,
as has Verdun.

The place we went to,
The Pointe St-Charles Art School,
is absolutely wonderful,
a glorious vibe.
We went for an art exhibit.
My friend Ken,
had some photographs on display.

We met some delightful people.
We ran into one of mom's cousins,
her eldest cousin,
she and her husband are almost,
ninety,
they were out supporting,
their niece's husband.
That totally rocks.

A former client of mine,
was there,
I never knew her name,
she was a client,
but,
we were chatting and I asked her name...
she has the same name as my surgeon,
the one who removed my alien.

Chatted with a charming woman,
about running and creative outlets,
she introduced me to her friend,
who was exhibiting some drawings,
they had things to say.

I had a great time.
Mom had a great time.

It helped me to have,
even more,
resolve,
as far as social occasions,
and,
community involvement,
are concerned.

I need more,
in terms of creative stimulation,
I need to meet more people,
and,
spend more time,
with my friends, my family.
I need to banish the ugly,
the negative,
accentuate the positive,
not live in a world of illusion,
but,
contribute,
make a difference,
for me as well as others.

It was a really good day.

Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB







Mine, no one else’s

Hello all,
we have had a gorgeous few days,
here in the Spring infused,
beautiful ugly.
Today, it is raining,
and,
gray and I,
just finished working out,
to classic disco,
which floods my brain with energy,
and,
my mind with memories.

I hear the first bars of,
Tina Charles' I love to love,
and,
I am right back in,
the hot, sticky, city Summer,
of childhood,
dancing with my cousin Josee,
having fun, giggling,
good times.

I hear Boogie Oogie Oogie and,
I remember this girl,
who,
I had the biggest crush on,
sigh, memory lane.

Some times the associations,
between music and memories,
make no sense,
the chronology doesn't fit,
why does Raspberry Beret,
remind me of my friend,
Helene,
it came out in 1985, 
and, we met in 1988.
could it be because,
it's kind of the only,
Prince song she likes
:-)

Weird associations.
I can't stand U2.
To me,
Bono,
is a stinking rich bourgeois,
with a God complex,
but,
Sunday, Bloody Sunday?
before, the fame,
before the glory,
raw and feeling,
I still love that,
it still makes me rise,
to dance,
when I hear,
the first bars,
I am 17 again.

Music is personal,
and,
along with smells,
is most evocative of the past.


Our past, our memories,
ours.
Shared with people we,
love, like,
or,
who through,
school, job, circumstance,
happen to be on our path.

I realize, 
and this isn't the first time, this has come up.
Some people,
think,
I overshare,
that I use my blog,
and,
my face book pages,
to send messages
...
the truth is,
I sometimes do.
My blog,
from the very beginning,
has been,
a persona for me,
a part sharing,
what I think,
what I love,
what makes me crazy.
A soapbox,
a therapist's couch,
it is a voice,
my voice.
My life,
what it is,
what I wish it would be.
I don't really talk to people,
I know,
through it,
but,
I do wrestle,
with issues,
that challenge me,
on a personal level,
and often they involve,
others.
I don't name names aside from,
giving thanks to those who,
are there for me, or recounting,
amusing anecdotes.

One of the reasons,
I don't edit a lot,
and try to let,
unvarnished emotion,
come through,
is that it is,
a bit of a road map,
record of my life, 
my progress,
and,
slippage.


I understand if that makes,
people,
uncomfortable,
angry,
even.
It isn't my intention.

I also think,
others,
might see their struggles and joys,
through mine.

Do I over share?
Perhaps.
I adjust and work at it.
I see my blog as a reflection,
of my moods and process.

I will say, this:
my life, my feelings,
my emotions and thoughts,
belong to me,
and if I chose to share them,
that is up to me.
It goes without saying,
that you are free to read them,
or not.

I have been through,
a rough few years,
also, those years,
have been full of fun and growth,
I chose to share, lots of it.

I am an adult, I live with and deal,
with,
the results of my decisions,
kindnesses and 'pettinesses',
For better for worse.

Anne Lamott quote

This isn't about settling scores,
or burning bridges, 
they are my stories,
or perhaps, more appropriately,
my story
the one I know,
and,
learn from,
the one I,
know how to share,
that is all.

Be well,
you all.

Later girls,
BB









Working on it and moving on:-)

Hello, you all.
Hope you are well,
filled with Springlike,
optimism.

I have been working on,
feeling good, strong.
We need good and strong.
to,
face life's challenges.

I am doing my cardio,
eating my all Bran,
moving, drinking water,
the whole shebang.

I find myself,
enjoying the mild workouts,
the long walks,
the analysis,
of what I am eating,
and,
what I should be eating.
complex and fascinating stuff.

I have a few,
health challenges to face,
by being informed and making changes,
I am confident that all can,
be resolved in the best way,
possible.

I eat well.
in the last few years,
I also eat less,
which is key.

I need to be strong,
and,
healthy,
my body needs to last,
the rest of my life,
:-)
and,
be up to the task.
Stress,
hard knocks,
joys and pain,
all of it.

I have never been,
a Zen person,
but,
I am relishing in the real,
joys of my life,
and,
am eliminating,
the unnecessary stress,
and conflict.

I,like so many people,
have had lots of conflict,
in my life,
it's normal,
it's life,
I don't shy away from it,
when necessary,
in matters of safety,
identity,
principle.
but,
I do not revel in it,
I do not,
seek it out.

I will not,
pursue or continue,
relationships,
that are mired in,
conflict and negativity.
I don't mean to say,
that I will now,
become,
Pollyanna.

Anyone who knows me,
should already be chuckling.

But, I don't want,
the cynicism, the sarcasm,
brow beating and putting down,
of anyone and everyone.
I believe in letting people,
have their say,
with respect and civility,
and,
if their say is cra cra crazy-
moving on.

Sometimes, the line needs to be drawn,
in matters of principle,
one must stand tall,
but,
if everyday,
people are challenging your principles,
and,
every disagreement,
Becomes a 'must convince people they are wrong,
and,brow beat them into submission'

then...
something is wrong,
and,
you must look at yourself,
change entourage,
get some air,
change your attitude,
eat some fiber,
have some wine,
kiss your significant other,
fill the holes,
read some poetry,
change your life,
go for a walk,
move on.

Everyday,
 I work on being happy,
and,
everyday,
I am happy,
even if a few minutes at a time.

Be well you all.
Later, girls,
BB


it’s all about cardio and all bran, baby

Hello all, 

As I was dancing away and jogging in place,
on my yoga mat,
to the sounds of Bruce Springsteen,
getting my heartrate up, 
working on building a stronger leaner butch,
beating the genetic cholesterol odds,
Yes, I can.
 

Stuff was running through my brain,
and I stopped it, 
and engaged with it.

When I was in my twenties, thirties, forties,
I was concerned with my intellectual life,
living and acquiring knowledge,
the physical was there,
obviously,
but, I didn't dwell on it.
I just took it for granted.
Pleasure, strength.
Just as I was more concerned with experiences,
than with building a future.

I have never been very concerned with the future,
ambitious, I'm still not,
but,
I need my body to accompany me,
the rest of the way.

I was born strong,
physically,
mentally,
and, 
I have been loved and cherished,
in my life,
so,
emotionally,
I'm decently equipped.
Nobody's perfect,
but, I am in no way,
neurotic.

But, as I get older,
I find that,
I need some additional care and attention,
I need to work at,
being as strong physically as,
I used to be,
I need to maintain more,
not just think,
magically,
everything is going to be ok.

The dreamer and innner Linus in me,
believes it, still.
But, I make him do the cardio, eat the all bran,
and visualisize, nonetheless.


I feel good, I feel strong,
I have a ton of challenges,
fears and apprehensions,
but, I think I got this...

who knew cardio and all bran...

be well you all.

Later, girls,
BB



News of my voice, sort of…

Hello all, hope you are enjoying the cold Spring.

I've had news from my voice.
She is away on holiday,
nursing her,
laryngitis.

She sent a post card:

northern-lights-tour-from-yellowknife-in-yellowknife-199760
The sun and wind are glorious,
in the far reaches of the silence,
I can hear a very low, very distant,
beginning of a sound,
it feels fragile,
patience is required.
Wish you were here,

love,
V.

Sounds promising

Be well, all of you.
Later girls,
BB

The best cure for laryngitis is….

Hello all, 
long time since my last post.
Lots on my mind,
lots going on,
none of it tragic,
none of it great.

Some of it is personal,
family etc
and some of it is work,
related.

Work has been dowsizing,
I didn't lose my job,
but,
there has been a slide down,
the ladder.
No pay loss,
but,
a bit of a downgrade,
I am not the only one,
in this position,
but,
I do find it hard,
humiliating, even.

Thing is,
I can't walk out,
I can't afford to.

I took and kept this job,
because,
it allowed me,
lots of time to write.
The pay is terrible and the security,
is non existant.
But the hours are perfect for,
a night owl,
would be,
writer.
But,
no plan B,
as far as income is concerned.

To be clear,
I am not complaining,
I am trying to bring light,
to the precarity,
that so many people live in.
Even, decently well educated,
resourceful people.
So many people, my age,
or younger,
say, well go on UI,
get another job,
don't give up on your dreams,
write whatever,
but write.
Or, tell me I shouldn't put up,
with being humiliated etc.

Right now,
I can't look for another job,
because upcoming events don't allow,
for job search time
and,
I don't make enough money,
to have decent UI benefits,
plus,
the six week wait,
is too long,
I am a paycheck to paycheck worker.

Also, I have lost touch with my,
dreams...

I expect a lot of people think,
I am in this position,
because, I made bad choices,
I suspect that may be,
true.
Ultimately,
they are and were,
my choices.

I also find myself,
not writing,
I think I may have,
lost or at least,
misplaced,
my voice.

I can't tell ya,
how much I regret,
thinking I knew what people,
were going through,
now that people seem to think,
they know what I am going through.

I am scared,
I am worried,
and,
yet,
I remain optimistic,
about my future,
about the next great thing.

Punches in the face,
kicks in the back,
are harder at fifty
than at thirty,
they hurt more,
they leave traces,
but,
you do know how to get up,
you've been there,
the route is not,
unknown.

I expect some of this comes off as whinny,
that isn't my intent.

I am strong,
I will get through this,
but, right now,
I need to retreat,
I need to regroup,
I need to find the strenght,
to come out fighting,
again.

The best cure for laryngitis,
is...
silence.

I'll catch you all later,
be well,
be kind to each other

Later girls,
BB