Shorts…who knew

Hope this post finds you all,
happy and healthy.

I am sporting a bit of a nasty,
shin burn today.
Yesterday, I went out walking,
in the insane heat, 
at the height of afternoon sun,
with my shorts.
I wore sunscreen but,
by the redness on my right shin,
in the back,
I think I might need practice,
in applying it.
That's ok with me,
shorts are my new thing.

Shorts..who knew??

Climate change has forced me,
to re-examine Summer wear,
body changes and increased,
confidence? Self-awareness?
Have allowed me, 
to take the step to wearing shorts.

I imagine a few of you,
probably, men,
are scratching your heads,
what the bleep is BB 'saying'?
I also feel quite confident,
that some of you, 
I am thinking mostly, women,
are nodding your heads,
totally getting what I am on about.

For years, I thought myself,
too fat and too pale skinned,
to wear shorts,
all of this is ridiculous,
why should any one body type,
have more rights than others, 
ludicrous.
But, just as we internalize,
homophobia, sexism etc,
we internalize body hate.
More insidious than conscious.

I am not sure about this,
but,
I think men are less,
concerned,
with these issues,
but, then again they have,
all the: how a man should act,
shit going on.

My point is,
it's hot, and more and more,
here in my beautiful ugly,
hotter and hotter,
longer and longer,
so shorts are survival.
Melting is hard:-)

I am working on my body,
to be healthier,
and,
I won't lie,
to look better as well,
I am vain, mea culpa
but,
wearing shorts should be an option
for all

I bought five pairs,
four of them are American Eagle,
flex material,
that stuff is genius,
moves with you,
and it doesn't look like,
stretch stuff.

I tell everyone about them,
for me,
for my body type,
for my style preference,
they rock,
I suspect American Eagle,
has a strong butch following,
the jeans, the shorts, the khakis,
the boxers.
I don't like their shirts,
too long and narrow,
and, their t-shirts are ok,
Gap is better for that,
but, the flex material,
I shake my head,
smile and wonder where,
this material has been,
all my life
:-)

So yeah,
fifty one is good,
and,
shorts, who knew??

Stay cool, you all.
Later girls,
BB





In no way…inferior

Good morning my friends.
I hope you are all,
well,                                                             
healthy and happy.

Happy Father's day.

It is a very hot Sunday,
here,
in the beautiful ugly,
gonna be a scorcher.

I've a had a busy week,
extra hours at work,
developing ideas for,
what might turn out to be,
a new blog or a website,
not quite sure yet,
lots of thinking,
activity.

It's been a week,
since Orlando.
I have been sad and angry,
overtly and,
at the back of my mind,
for a week.

I have read some powerful thoughts,
on these events,
this horror.
Some of it very personal, heartfelt.
I will link to two,
short, that really nail it.

https://margueritequantaine.wordpress.com
by a Face Book friend who's work,
I admire.

And this one by KG MacGregor,
that was shared so many times,
on social media,
it got picked up by,
The Huffington Post
https://kgmacgregor.com/2016/06/12/we-arent-afraid-of-you

So what am I thinking about,
today, on Father's day,
a week after Orlando?

I am still sad and angry.
The senseless taking of life,
planned carnage,
the slaughter.

This was not random,
this is not simply the case,
of a demented individual,
going on a rampage,
a much too common event,
in the U.S.
A wonderful country in many ways,
but, one that allows it's,
government and citizenry to be,
held hostage by the gun lobby.
That is a subject for another time.
The illusion of the right to bear arms,
the fetishization of violence.

Sexism and homophobia are still,
today,
in 2016,
rampant.
They certainly are in religions,
where, according to,
the bible, the koran,
other religious books,
woman are pretty much nothing more,
than babymakers who's subservience to men,
is necessary for harmony and function 
and,
the way things should be.
Gays,
men and women are,
abominations.
Best case scenario,
women are different but equal,
and the sin of being homosexual,
is tolerated.

My whole life,
it left me perplexed,
and, lots of times,
face palming myself,
how can an intelligent,
person,
believe that,
women are inferior,
that the love of,
a man and a woman is,
superior to that,
of two men,
of two women.

How can people who claim
to love God,
in his-her-it's name,
spew hate?

Also, I can tell you,
as a fifty one year old butch woman,
who has been around the block,
a few times.
Homophobia is not,
the exclusive terrain of,
the religious,
the uneducated,
or males.
I have met more than a few,
atheists,
liberals,
university educated,
of the genteel class,
who think,
make that,
know,
that their heterosexual way,
of being and loving is,
superior.
They are much more polite about it,
sometimes,
but, the dismissiveness, the smugness,
is there.

I was raised,
to not think of myself,
as superior or inferior,
to,
anyone.
This was unspoken, 
but, clear.
Are there smarter people,
out there?
Always have been,
always will be,
the same applies to slower.

But, 
I am in no way inferior to,
anyone because of my gender.

genitalia has little to do,
with moral rectitude,
intelligence or,
facing the world head on,
hopefully with kindness,
sensitivity and humour.

Just as my gender,
makes me neither,
inferior nor superior,
the same can be said,
for my gayness.
I will not hide behind,
this,
I was born this way kind of discourse.
I hate that argument,
it implies,
'don't hate me, it's not my fault'
'I want to be just like you'.
Fact is,
I don't know if I was born this way,
or not,
and I don't care.
I am in no way inferior to anyone,
because of who I love and how I make love
period.
I don't want to be just like you,
I am me.

A long time ago,
I saw Desert Hearts,
a movie,
I have since seen,
dozens of times.
One of the pivotal scenes in it:
Evelyn, the married, soon to be divorced,
professor of English at Columbia,
says to Kay, the younger potter who works,
at the local Reno casino,
they have been having an affair and Kay,
wants it to go on,
she wants, more.
Evelyn says :it seems so easy to you(paraphrased),
and Kay says,
'I don't act this way to change the world,
I act this way so the Godamned world won't change me'
that is perfectly it, in a nutshell.

The killing, violence and judgement must stop.
We have to talk to people,
we have to come out,
we have to fight battles,
sure pick them,
but,
fight them nonetheless,
we are,
in no way...Inferior

Have a good one.
Later, girls,
BB


Smooth Vacation Vibe

Hello you all,
Hope you all have,
your Summer,
Mojo,
going,
oh yeah.

It's been an intense,
couple of weeks,
I am still mourning,
The Dude,
and,
I will for a while,
yet.
That's life

On a very positive note,
my mother went through,
a potentially,
dangerous surgery,
and came out,
great,
and,
after a week,
of sort of rest and,
convalescence,
she is better than ever,
I say sort of,
because it's hard,
to keep mom,
idle,
not big with her.

First few days,
I cooked and did,
dishes, laundry, shopping etc,
on my own,
and,
now we are back to sharing,
and,
she is trying to muscle in,
on my territory.
My mom,
the badass,
yippe ki yay!!
Actually,
she has been,
good,
just restless,
which is a definite sign,
of being on the mend.

I've had some good,
socializing,
saw a few friends,
took some photos,
went to an art exhibit.
Mom and I have spent,
quality time together,
and,
we have watched lots of,
quality drama.
I've walked a ton,
lots of air and sun.
Been a good vacation.

Having a big worry lifted,
from your shoulders,
makes you feel free,
as if you have wings.
The ones you love,
are healthy,
phew.

I intend to submit,
a piece for an,
anthology,
would be the first time.
Woo hoo.

I have lots of ideas,
for being more,
politically involved,
plans for having more,
intellectual and cultural,
stimulation,
in my life.
Feeling very good,
about myself,
bright eyed and bushy tailed,
looking and walking,
down the road.

But, right now,
I am going to enjoy,
the rest of my vacation

Be well.
Later girls,
BB

My friend, The Dude

1191

Today, I made a decision,
that all pet people,
make at one time or another,
I made the decision,
to not let my friend,
suffer any longer.

I had notions and dreams,
of Dude, 
going peacefully,
in his sleep,
but, 
life and death,
are rarely stuff of dreams,
harder and grittier and,
more painful,
sometimes.

I chose,
love and to put an end,
to his suffering,
it was hard,
he was scared, he cried,
he raged and hissed,
I held him,
told him I loved him,
I was there,
he quieted down,
and,
in a few minutes,
he was asleep,
I held him, 
and spoke in soft loving,
tones,
I tried not to cry,
I wanted the last things,
he heard to be,
how much I loved him,
and,
what a good and loyal friend,
he had been,
I tried to be that to him,
as well.

It's hard,
so hard,

I know he is at peace,
that his hips,
allow him to jump,
again,
and,
that he is in a land,
of peace and light.

My mom, put,
it beautifully,
goodbye Doudou, be happy.

RIP The Dude,
you were my friend,
for sixteen years,
I don't know how old,
you were,
between eighteen and twenty,
a good long life,
you've earned your rest

011
244
252


Two years ago…

Hello all,
hope you are all,
hanging in.
I had a bit of,
a scare with,
my thyroid,
had,
a lump,
kind of big,
that required a,
biopsy,
results are in,
no Cancer,
and now,
to concentrate,
on getting,
mom,
right as rain.

I have always loved,
that expression.
Rain washes,
away,
dirt and tension filled,
humidity,
rain rights things,
things grow,
flowers, trees,
ideas,
rain is peaceful,
rain helps,
dormant ideas,
...
emerge,
right as rain.
The universe rights,
itself,
right as rain.

Two years ago,
today,
I had drink on,
a lovely terrace,
with my girl,
and,
her daughter,
followed by,
dinner at my favourite,
Verdun eatery,
it was a Wednesday,
my day off,
quiet everywhere,
but,
Spring in the air,
and,
two days before,
my birthday.
It was a very good day.

I got home,
checked my emails.
What had been,
a lovely afternoon,
and,
evening,
turned into,
a night of pain,
of deep,
unrelenting,
sadness.
Two years ago,
I lost my friend,
Francoys,
known to my readers,
here,
as: the anarchist.
My friend, the anarchist
My world changed, that night. It got a little darker, it got a little sadder, it certainly got, a little lonelier. I lost a friend, I lost a confidant.
Chasm
I have few friends, those I have, I like, I love, are top notch, I know many people, I like lots of people. I am a friendly person, I think. I don't open up, easily I realize this might be hard to fathom, after all, I do write a blog in which I share, my etats d'ame and the what can appear as minutia, of my life, hysterectomies and hormones, fights, and bridge bombings, but, that's different, to opening up, face to face, person to person. I had absolute trust, in Francoys, he listened and talked, I listened, we had a perfect friend, accord. I miss him, I will never stop missing him. I am not angry at him, I do not think, he should have taken, better care of himself, he was perfect, as he was, a walking laughing, mass of contradictions, an intellectual, a man of tender heart, a man who was well loved, in life, and, continues to be, after his death. He was very tough, and, could cry at the, drop of a hat. He knew his own, mind, his own heart, and, understood his many, appetites. There isn't a day, I don't wish, we could talk, drink coffee, have dinner, walk and laugh, shoot the shit, fix the world. Giving up smoking, was easier, because, after all, who can you really, smoke with, nowadays? This morning, I watched a John Waters, interview, about Cy Twombly, and, contemporary art, and, smiled, Francoys loved, Waters. I miss you my friend, rest in peace Be well you all, Later girls, BB

Bareoke

I promise you all,
that this post,
will have,
a much lighter tone,
than,
yesterday's.
I have left the forest..

I have entered the,
urban jungle,
I am walking down,
Ste-Catherine,
turning left on,
St-Laurent,
the Main,
going to,
the last vestige of,
crass, loud and queer,
Main,
the gladiators,
against,
gentrification and sameness,
yes,
bois and girls--
we have entered,
Cafe Cleopatre,
and,
it is,
Bareoke,
oh yeah, baby,
strip Karaoke.

I had so much fun,
I sang along,
I chair danced,
I saw some beautiful,
people,
clothed and otherwise,
I saw some not,
so beautiful people,
clothed and otherwise.
I saw people having fun,
letting it all hang out,
I saw some shy people,
and,
some shameless,
exhibitionists,
and,
that is all cool,
coz,
we were all,
adults.

It was a young crowd,
but,
there were a few of us,
with a little snow on the,
rooftop.
But, last night,
I was twelve,
when a couple sang Summer Nights.
In my intense College years,
when a young lady was Janet,
from Rocky Horror Picture Show
I didn't recognize it, 
I am a time warp kind of girl,
when I wondered what this was,
to my friend, Timothy,
he actually asked,
with more than a twinge of horror,
'are you even gay???'

I howled with laughter,
Timothy,
get's line of the night. 

I am,
very gay,
let me make that,
perfectly clear
:-)

I had a nice time,
a few beers,
laughed,
with some,
people who's company,
I enjoy,
immensely

I will be returning,
next time,
with enough beer,
I might even sing,
but,
probably not

Happy Mother's day to all the moms out there

Be well, you all,
Later girls,
BB


Let the squirrels nest

Hello all,
the Spring is full on,
here,
in the beautiful ugly,
hope it is,
where you are,
as well.

Been a bit of a weird week,
worried about up and coming,
test results and,
my mom,
has stuff going on,
I won't get into it,
but,
it's on my mind.

This week also brought,
an end to what had been,
a long friendship.
Sometimes,
it is,
the right thing to do,
walk away,
from a friendship.
Some differences are,
irreconcilable.

Being friends with someone,
because you have known them for,
thirty years,
is not a good enough reason.

I get,
scars,
everyone has them,
everyone has a past,
part of growing,
is living,
with the past,
not living,
in the past.
The past informs,
all that we are,
but,
the past can't be,
all that we are.

I had a friend,
once,
let's call her,
Debbie
(not even close to her real name)
I gave her a million chances,
she blew all of them,
and,
always asked for forgiveness,
all the while,
being belligerent,
and,
sort of implying,
that it was my fault.
Borderline,
abusive relationship.
I don't want that from,
anyone,
cutting people slack,
understanding,
human foibles,
and weaknesses,
does not mean putting up,
with abuse.

Debbie,
now lives in,
Debbieville,
I don't visit,
Debbieville,
I don't even know where,
Debbieville,
is,
I don't care,
she wrung every last drop of,
caring,
out of me.

Debbieville now has a suburb,
let's call it,
Jimmytown,
I don't know,
where that is,
but,
that's ok,
I have no intention of,
ever,
visiting.
I hope the climate is mild,
and, 
that the inhabitants of both,
Debbieville and Jimmytown,
find peace of mind.

Being fifty,
facing,
life changing issues,
losing loved ones,
this helps,
see the forest for the trees,
deadwood is deadwood,
no need to chop it down,
walk away,
let the squirrels nest.

Have a great week,
you all,
later girls,
BB






A really good day

Hope all is well,
with all of you.
Saturday, 
was a really good day,
for me.

I took my mom out for dumplings,
in Chinatown.
They were delicious,
she loved them.
The weather was great,
we walked and,
walked some more.

Up to Ste-Catherine, 
went to the Bay,
she loved the Topshop line.

We kept going,
and, 
nipped into Simmons,
she bought us some hats.
I got a terrific,
Rains (Danish brand) rain hat,
and,
she got a cute straw trilby.

We had coffee at our favourite,
Starbuck's.
Enjoyed each other's company.

We got back on the metro(subway)
and headed out to the Pointe,
an old Montreal neighbourhood,
very close to our own Verdun.
The Pointe has working class,
tough roots,
but,
it has gentrified quite a bit,
in recent years,
as has Verdun.

The place we went to,
The Pointe St-Charles Art School,
is absolutely wonderful,
a glorious vibe.
We went for an art exhibit.
My friend Ken,
had some photographs on display.

We met some delightful people.
We ran into one of mom's cousins,
her eldest cousin,
she and her husband are almost,
ninety,
they were out supporting,
their niece's husband.
That totally rocks.

A former client of mine,
was there,
I never knew her name,
she was a client,
but,
we were chatting and I asked her name...
she has the same name as my surgeon,
the one who removed my alien.

Chatted with a charming woman,
about running and creative outlets,
she introduced me to her friend,
who was exhibiting some drawings,
they had things to say.

I had a great time.
Mom had a great time.

It helped me to have,
even more,
resolve,
as far as social occasions,
and,
community involvement,
are concerned.

I need more,
in terms of creative stimulation,
I need to meet more people,
and,
spend more time,
with my friends, my family.
I need to banish the ugly,
the negative,
accentuate the positive,
not live in a world of illusion,
but,
contribute,
make a difference,
for me as well as others.

It was a really good day.

Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB







Mine, no one else’s

Hello all,
we have had a gorgeous few days,
here in the Spring infused,
beautiful ugly.
Today, it is raining,
and,
gray and I,
just finished working out,
to classic disco,
which floods my brain with energy,
and,
my mind with memories.

I hear the first bars of,
Tina Charles' I love to love,
and,
I am right back in,
the hot, sticky, city Summer,
of childhood,
dancing with my cousin Josee,
having fun, giggling,
good times.

I hear Boogie Oogie Oogie and,
I remember this girl,
who,
I had the biggest crush on,
sigh, memory lane.

Some times the associations,
between music and memories,
make no sense,
the chronology doesn't fit,
why does Raspberry Beret,
remind me of my friend,
Helene,
it came out in 1985, 
and, we met in 1988.
could it be because,
it's kind of the only,
Prince song she likes
:-)

Weird associations.
I can't stand U2.
To me,
Bono,
is a stinking rich bourgeois,
with a God complex,
but,
Sunday, Bloody Sunday?
before, the fame,
before the glory,
raw and feeling,
I still love that,
it still makes me rise,
to dance,
when I hear,
the first bars,
I am 17 again.

Music is personal,
and,
along with smells,
is most evocative of the past.


Our past, our memories,
ours.
Shared with people we,
love, like,
or,
who through,
school, job, circumstance,
happen to be on our path.

I realize, 
and this isn't the first time, this has come up.
Some people,
think,
I overshare,
that I use my blog,
and,
my face book pages,
to send messages
...
the truth is,
I sometimes do.
My blog,
from the very beginning,
has been,
a persona for me,
a part sharing,
what I think,
what I love,
what makes me crazy.
A soapbox,
a therapist's couch,
it is a voice,
my voice.
My life,
what it is,
what I wish it would be.
I don't really talk to people,
I know,
through it,
but,
I do wrestle,
with issues,
that challenge me,
on a personal level,
and often they involve,
others.
I don't name names aside from,
giving thanks to those who,
are there for me, or recounting,
amusing anecdotes.

One of the reasons,
I don't edit a lot,
and try to let,
unvarnished emotion,
come through,
is that it is,
a bit of a road map,
record of my life, 
my progress,
and,
slippage.


I understand if that makes,
people,
uncomfortable,
angry,
even.
It isn't my intention.

I also think,
others,
might see their struggles and joys,
through mine.

Do I over share?
Perhaps.
I adjust and work at it.
I see my blog as a reflection,
of my moods and process.

I will say, this:
my life, my feelings,
my emotions and thoughts,
belong to me,
and if I chose to share them,
that is up to me.
It goes without saying,
that you are free to read them,
or not.

I have been through,
a rough few years,
also, those years,
have been full of fun and growth,
I chose to share, lots of it.

I am an adult, I live with and deal,
with,
the results of my decisions,
kindnesses and 'pettinesses',
For better for worse.

Anne Lamott quote

This isn't about settling scores,
or burning bridges, 
they are my stories,
or perhaps, more appropriately,
my story
the one I know,
and,
learn from,
the one I,
know how to share,
that is all.

Be well,
you all.

Later girls,
BB









Working on it and moving on:-)

Hello, you all.
Hope you are well,
filled with Springlike,
optimism.

I have been working on,
feeling good, strong.
We need good and strong.
to,
face life's challenges.

I am doing my cardio,
eating my all Bran,
moving, drinking water,
the whole shebang.

I find myself,
enjoying the mild workouts,
the long walks,
the analysis,
of what I am eating,
and,
what I should be eating.
complex and fascinating stuff.

I have a few,
health challenges to face,
by being informed and making changes,
I am confident that all can,
be resolved in the best way,
possible.

I eat well.
in the last few years,
I also eat less,
which is key.

I need to be strong,
and,
healthy,
my body needs to last,
the rest of my life,
:-)
and,
be up to the task.
Stress,
hard knocks,
joys and pain,
all of it.

I have never been,
a Zen person,
but,
I am relishing in the real,
joys of my life,
and,
am eliminating,
the unnecessary stress,
and conflict.

I,like so many people,
have had lots of conflict,
in my life,
it's normal,
it's life,
I don't shy away from it,
when necessary,
in matters of safety,
identity,
principle.
but,
I do not revel in it,
I do not,
seek it out.

I will not,
pursue or continue,
relationships,
that are mired in,
conflict and negativity.
I don't mean to say,
that I will now,
become,
Pollyanna.

Anyone who knows me,
should already be chuckling.

But, I don't want,
the cynicism, the sarcasm,
brow beating and putting down,
of anyone and everyone.
I believe in letting people,
have their say,
with respect and civility,
and,
if their say is cra cra crazy-
moving on.

Sometimes, the line needs to be drawn,
in matters of principle,
one must stand tall,
but,
if everyday,
people are challenging your principles,
and,
every disagreement,
Becomes a 'must convince people they are wrong,
and,brow beat them into submission'

then...
something is wrong,
and,
you must look at yourself,
change entourage,
get some air,
change your attitude,
eat some fiber,
have some wine,
kiss your significant other,
fill the holes,
read some poetry,
change your life,
go for a walk,
move on.

Everyday,
 I work on being happy,
and,
everyday,
I am happy,
even if a few minutes at a time.

Be well you all.
Later, girls,
BB