st jax montreal – Bookish Butch

All I want for Christmas…

Hello all, hope you have all been having, a wonderful December, that your lead up to Christmas, and or whatever holiday, you celebrate is joyful and reflective, that you are in, a happy place or a growth place.

This has been a growth year for me. It may not have gone exactly as I wished, but, that isn’t how things work.

I have had a pretty wonderful year, truthfully. I met tons of new people. I learned lots of new things. I discovered new things I was good at, and a few that weren’t right for me.

I spent quality time with, my family, with my friends, with God.

I got to grow older, a privilege which is not given to, everyone.

In a lot of ways, it was a year of milestones, teaching, and getting, how really hard, that is, renewed respect for teachers.

I got to speak at my church, about my journey in faith, a wonderful experience. The preparation, the love and support, I received. It was a great season in my life.

On St-Jean at St-Jax’s photo credit Graham Singh

I spent time in small groups, a new experience for me. I had moments of difficulty, with certain passages of scripture, gay people can, easily be and feel, excluded in the Christian faith, in any faith. It is challenging.

But, being Gay is challenging, everywhere, even in the most ‘liberal’, of circles. This is not a complaint, these are facts, many people think gay people are less than, some of them use scripture to keep people excluded, but, I can tell you, as a relatively new Christian, homophobia is no more common among Christians than it is among the general population. I am not one who is easily victimized, I am a confident and relatively well read and spoken individual. But, just like there is much sexism in the world, the whole world, there is perhaps even more homophobia. I believe in being who I am, not in your face and not shrinking violet, who I am- no more than, no less than.

I met new people who share the same hopes, the same dreams.

I think I have learned what I don’t want, I don’t want to go backwards.

So, what is it I want for Christmas?

I want world peace, but, I will settle, for my family all getting along and speaking to each other. I would like to have those who have gone, back with us, but, I will rejoice in the memories, some good, some bad. I would like to really know what I am meant to do, but, instead I will be patient.

I want to wish all of you, the best of the season. Joy and love, family, friends, song, and compassion for our fellow humans. Let us all have fun, eat, drink and be merry and let us be grateful for all that has been given to us.

and a little child shall lead them

Merry Christmas

Later, girls

Last night at Alpha…

Alpha 

Good morning all, 
hope your part of the world,
is bathed in light and Spring...
I love Spring,
not that we do Spring so well,
here,
in my beautiful ugly,
but, still,
I love it

Last night was,
Alpha,
at church.
I know I have written,
about Alpha before,
but for those of you,
who,
wandered over to this,
very personal blog of mine:


is a series of videos, discussions, shared meals,
it is a 'course',
a place,
to ask questions,
about faith, Christianity, Jesus,
our purpose, meaning.
Very deep subjects,
in a welcoming setting.
The videos are high caliber,
well written, thought provoking,
with a note of humor,
this is not preachy or pedantic stuff.
If you have ever had questions,
about faith, about God,
this is a good stop,
on,
the investigative path.
It has been for me.

A year ago,
I participated in Alpha,
for the first time.
Church was a new thing,
for me.
I knew I felt well and at peace,
in church,
I felt welcomed.
Alpha,
solidified my sense of belonging,
it also set me on a course,
of reading and questioning,
it helped shape some of my questions.

Fast forward a year and I am,
participating in Alpha for,
the second time.
I have grown in my faith in this, 
time, so much.

Reading, prayer, worship,
all has helped in building my faith.

Those of you who read my blog,
know, that mine is not, 
an unexamined life.


I reflect, ruminate, 
sometimes,
less and less,
obsess about,
my life,
it's direction,
it's meanderings.

Church, Alpha, faith,
has helped me be much more,
centered, calm,
filled with peace.

I do realize this might sound,
a little bit cooky to some of you,
but, hey, works for me

I have been asked by my church,
to speak,
to share my journey of faith,
it has been very present in,
my thoughts

Have a wonderful day, you all,
be well.

Later girls,
BB

Spiritual quest part IV

Hello all, hope you are,
all,
well.
April's biggest challenge,
here in the beautiful ugly,
has been staying...
dry, 
lots of rain.

May is,
so far, 
all over the place,
Aw, Spring, I love ya,
you may seem fickle to some,
but to me,
you are renewal in all its,
joys and difficulties.

Busy with my,
tutoring,
work, 
life.
I continue my spiritual quest,
I feel more and more at home,
in faith.
Who would have thought?

My Alpha course, 
Alpha journey,
continues,
I leave every week,
with questions,
and ponderings,
I love that. 
I live for food for thought
:-)

This week's theme was,
one I was looking forward to,
What next? what to do,
with the rest of my life?

As many of you know,
I have been at,
a crossroads,
for a while,
I haven't chosen a path,
I have been exploring,
different avenues, roads,
not investing myself,
on a course of action.
Not exactly idling but,
slow pace.

These last few months,
I have felt much more,
in tune with myself,
physically,
mentally,
in my core.
I am over,
the physical shocks,
of surgery,
the fear of dying that,
accompanied it.

I have healed from,
the pain of losing,
my friend, the anarchist.
I miss him still,
but it no longer,
involves searing pain,
I smile when I,
think of him.

So this week,
I went to Alpha,
with joy and enthusiasm,
and,
was glad to see,
the people,
who I have grown so,
fond of,
a community, warmth,
and, faith.

We watched the old version,
of the video in French,
because the new version,
wasn't ready.
The old version,
isn't as well suited,
to the open and modern,
church that is St-Jax's
IMHO.
Long story short:
the video,
spoke of the bible,
being a way of living,
a guide book,
that God has given us,
and the guy spoke,
specifically about,
sexuality,
and offered up,
specifically,
a hetero normative version,
of the world.

Cold shower.

Now, to be clear,
we all live in a,
hetero normative,
world,
and we adjust,
and honestly it is expected.
Norm is norm.
But, what I have come to,
appreciate,
about St-Jax's,
like the other places I feel at home,
is that I am liked,
loved by some,
for who I am.
We don't discuss such things,
why would we,
we accept each other,
for who we are,
but, I can usually smell,
a bigot and hommophobe,
at a fair distance,
and,
like all groups,
there are undoubtedly,
a few in church.
But, I felt in my heart,
in my bones,
that the leadership,
and most of the congregation,
wasn't.

So, it was with a weight,
in my heart,
that I emerged from the video room,
to the discussion area,
I went to get some herbal tea,
and, wondered if I would have,
to leave St-Jax's.

I sat down with my tea,
and found the leader,
of the group and others,
discussing,
the different tone of these,
videos.
It seems they had all been,
uncomfortable with the video,
as well.
and they agreed that sincere love,
is just that.
Phew



My perception about,
St-Jax's taking people,
for who they are,
was right.

The thing is I could leave.
I have lived without St-Jax's 
and faith in my life,
before,
and I could do it again,
but,
I find that,
more and more,
I would rather...
not

Be well you all, thank you,
for accompanying me on my,
journey

Later girls,
BB

Notes on spiritual quest part III

Hello all,
hope these notes,
find all of you,
in good spirits.
I have had a cold,
for a few days now,
and the rain has been with us,
here in,
my beautiful ugly.

Rain in April means,
flowers, to come, awakening, growth,
no way that is... negative.

I am feeling very strong,
centered, lately.
Not necessarily,
buoyant and smiley,
but, quiet.
A resonating peace inside me.
I do believe,
that is a direct result,
of my heart and mind,
being open to the spiritual.

I think of it as the St-Jax's affect
:-)

I went to St-Jax's with an open mind,
a yearning,
I have been welcomed with love,
and prayer, with humour,
with intelligence.
Strangely enough,
I seem to fit there,
I have not contorted myself,
to fit a mold,
nor have I have been made,
to feel I should.
Many of the people there,
have a similar thirst,
thirsts, even.
For knowledge, for meaning.

This past Saturday,
we had our holy spirit day,
we watched videos, we sang,
we worshiped and prayed,
those of us who wished to,
called to the holy spirit,
in whatever way we wanted.

I felt at peace, I felt,
cherished and loved,
I felt safe.

My faith, manifests itself,
quietly,
it builds a little at a time,
it is of the mind,
and,
of the heart.
It is calming, it is centering.
It may have been there all along

In the last year,
I have cleaned out,
the negative influences,
in my life,
the meanness of some,
masquerading,
as humour and wit.
The disparaging of divergent,
opinions, points of view.

I would have felt embarrassed,
to share the fact that I like,
church,that I look forward to going,
that it fills a part of me,
that needed,
sustenance.

I am not embarrassed,
I am not preaching,
I am sharing.

blessings and peace be upon you

be well

later girls,
BB

Perhaps…Spring

Hello all,
hope you are well,
happy and healthy,
in some parts of the world,
Spring is on the verge of,
springing.

Here in our beautiful ugly,
it's a little early for,
Spring,
but, yesterday and today,
again,
we have had some tremendous,
weather,
sunshine and mildly gorgeous,
weather.
It brings hope,
for an end to Winter.

I can hear a few of you,
saying,
our winters are so much,
milder than they used to be,
and, of course,
this is true,
it's just that I find the,
grey of winter and,
the damp cold,
hard,
harder to deal with,
it weighs heavy of me.
I know it,
I dress for it,
but, I could do without it,
so Spring or even,
an inkling of it,
fills me with joy,
puts a bounce in my step,
and a bigger smile on my face.

I have begun planning my,
Spring wardrobe,
pretty much under control.
Elements of butch style,
well in place,
woo hoo,
dusting off the caps,
polishing the boots,
and laundering the jackets.

I have been attending,
church,
and letting myself,
be open,
no overthinking.
The Alpha course,
starts this week,
in both French and English,
I look forward,
to that.

I don't know what will come,
of all this,
I don't know,
if it will,
ultimately be the right,
fit.
But, I do know:
that I have met,
smart, loving, welcoming people,
that I feel peaceful,
and engaged,
in the house of worship,
that is St Jax's.

I have been open,
to the signs,
and I feel good about that,
my year of spiritual,
and political,
continues...
I remain questioning,
it is who I am

I have been doing quite,
a bit of reading,
a wonderful book,
by the late great,
John Berger,
part of the Penguins,
great ideas series:
Why Look At Animals?
It is brilliant all,
Berger is,
Imho.
It was recommended by Meghan,
at Argo Books,
you should check it out.
I have been doing,
the bible in one year,
an interesting approach.
Lots of things on Urbanism,
and an old favourite,
Anne Lammott's
Traveling Mercies: Reflections of Faith.

My foot feels much better,
the cane and stretching,
have been great,
the flat boots,
have been banished.

I feel fine,
I hope you all do as well,
may Spring come,
soon.

Be well,
you all,

Later girls,
BB