Hello all, it’s been a minute since I wrote on the blog, I started a few drafts, I wasn’t happy with them, so I let them lay there. This morning, I deleted the drafts. 2019 is almost over and here comes another decade, the 20’s (I wonder if flappers will make an appearance) It’s been a hard year , really hard. My mother was ill, we dealt with it pretty well, she is mostly back to normal, but, it takes it’s toll, physically and emotionally. I am grateful that we are there for each other and that in spite of everything we are still standing.
Work and lack there of, has been really hard. For the first few months, mom needed me at home and I was pretty much constantly worried, it changed our lives. I was home all the time, she was home all the time, it was hard emotionally and financially, I didn’t have a job and I couldn’t find one because at first I couldn’t leave her and then, I was too worried to leave her.
Not working is hard, and not just in, the obvious ways(lack of money and dependance) but in many other ways, in more subtle ways, you feel less than, you feel a certain shame(you know you shouldn’t, but you do) A 54 year old woman, reasonably intelligent and well read.You tell yourself it is temporary, but, every day you lose a little more confidence in yourself and in the future. Even your faith at times is…not enough.
People have been there for me, the ones you can always depend on, the ones who drive you to the hospital, the ones who pick you up, who take you to breakfast, who invite you out and always say’ my treat’. There are others, who you don’t know well but who reach out and ask how you are, how’s your mom? and who genuinely listen, who have been where you are, in despair and the unknown, who know about aging parents and illness. There are also people who feel uncomfortable with people in crisis, who want you to get on with it, get a job, any job, your mom will be fine, go to welfare, no shame in that!
In the Spring I started seeing a sort of guidance counsellor and then a career counsellor , it helped with my confidence level. I changed churches, the new one was closer, their social justice ministry resonated with me, I liked the no nonsense salt of the earth people in the congregation and around the church. I have been there a while, I am happy there, feel accepted and hope to contribute more.
I have also been taking a seminar type class, EFM(education for ministry) I love it, lots of reading, lots of delving deep into scripture as a lay person. In a few months I have grown to really appreciate the people in my class, and the mentors who lead the class, they are good people.
I had a contract woking for Elections Canada, I liked it, it was exhausting but, I liked it, met lots of people, a lot of them were nice people, it helped. I was hoping for something else but, it hasn’t worked out.
I went to lunch with a friend today, she listens. I told her, you know, I have been lucky in many ways, friends, family, I have been gifted through good genes and providence with a decent intelligence and an ability to make friends, to talk to people, I like people, they like me.
So here comes 2020, right around the corner. I wish you all Happy Holidays and a most joyous New Year, let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear. If I could make one request, next time a friend tells you things are tough, they are sad, listen, don’t brush it off, don’t try to find a solution, I know we all want to find solutions, just listen…sometimes people just need to be heard
I hope to resume writing the blog in the new year
Be well,
dear ones,
Later girls,
BB