The sky is blue and so am I.
OK, more pensive than blue.
But, I had to get the weather in there somehow.
I have been reading both James Agee and Raymond Carver.
Fabulously realistic, sensitive writers.
Very male and with a phenomenal ear for how people speak.
Also, the insight into the quiet or sometimes raging desperation of peoples’ lives.
You read this stuff and you think
“how could I write anything this good, this powerful, this real?”
The answer is,
I probably can’t but,
we can all write our truth.
The problem is knowing your truth.
I have told you all about what I have dubbed,
The Summer Of Hell.
It hasn’t been The Summer of Hell because anything really bad happened.
No one died and no tragedy of any other kind took place.
But, I have been sad, enraged and hurt most of the Summer.
I’m hoping to snap out of it.
But, I don’t think it’s a snap type of a situation.
I’m lonely.
Not for intelligent conversation or laughter,
not for warmth and friendship.
I’m lonely for a woman’s arms.
I want to lay my head on a shoulder,
I want to feel the weight of a woman’s head on my chest.
I want to watch TV with my head on her lap.
I want to wrap my arms around her waist as she stirs her sauce or pours her tea.
Push her hair back and kiss her neck.
It isn’t about sex,
well maybe a little,
but, it’s mostly about love.
I am blessed in my life,
I’m being redundant,
those of you who read this blog, know,
I have oodles to be grateful for, and I am.
I just want a love to call my own,
and someone who gets me and whom I get.
My friends get me. My mom and family get me.
They sometimes think I’m weird, neurotic and crazy, but,
they get me.
Now, I want someone who gets me and,
regularly feels like ripping my clothes off.
Just, not, my new L.L.Bean chambray shirts.
It’s a brave new world my friends.
Filled with more open mindedness about sexuality,
at least I think it is.
But, you know it’s not a gay, straight, bisexual kind of thing.
A lot of people are lonely, this I know, I see it.
But, many of us have trouble connecting on that level.
Maybe, it’s a trust issue, maybe there is a need to expand our horizons.
Maybe, I’m wrong and it really is just me.
For years, I had never even considered bisexuals as a possible possibility.
But, you’ve got to grow.
Men are my friends,
they are beautiful and strong and shoot from the hip.
Some of them are aesthetic marvels,
Cathedrals or Davids.
But, women possess me,
heart and soul,
it’s how I’m wired.
Women are it for me.
But, for other people both men and women work.
Actually, us one hundred percent gay and the one hundred percent straights,
seem to be in a minority.
Like I said brave new world.
It wasn’t about being closed to bisexuals it was about not really seeing,
so,
blindness.
The Summer Of Hell and finding my truth are about this.
I have been missing love in my life and I have been missing truth
and I am going to find them,
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,
so,
bring it on.
Later girls
BB
