notes on a spiritual quest

Lent diary part I

Hello everyone,

apologies,

if,

some of my recent,

blog posts,

have seemed,

whinny.

Sometimes it,

needs to come out,

in French we have an expression:

faire sortir le méchant,

evacuating-kicking out the bad-bad stuff

which basically means,

lancing the boil,

not allowing the infection to spread,

not allowing negative thoughts,

to fester,

to take hold.

I think we all do that,

differently.

Some of us,

need to get on with things,

pull up our boot straps,

do, rather than,

think about doing.

And some of us,

process,

decisions,

pain,

hurt,

failure,

grief,

in a way,

we can deal with.

I am someone who,

examines,

observes,

thinks about,

rotates scenarios,

in my head.

I get angry,

I get sad,

I pray,

I talk about it,

I write about it,

and there comes a time,

when I feel a click and,

I am able to move on.

Whenever I have not,

processed things,

kept plowing away,

at the same speed,

it has hit me later,

bad,

hard,

so in the past few years,

I have taken my time,

explored,

with varying levels of success,

but, on terms I can live with,

supported by my mother,

my girl,

my friends,

my family,

blood and chosen.

I don’t want to work,

at a job I hate,

or even tolerate,

I want to make a difference,

I want meaning,

that may come in many ways,

I have no clue about.

In this season of Lent,

I am going deep within,

devoting much time,

to prayer,

to church,

asking God for guidance,

for purpose,

and trusting that it will happen.

Be well,

you all.

Later girls,

Ontario Peaches and the Dog Days Of Summer

Today is hot and muggy,

it seems I have said,

and,

thought that,

a lot, this Summer.

But I had cereal for breakfast,

with blueberries,

and,

Ontario peaches.

Ontario peaches

happy sigh

they may very well be,

the best part of the dog days of Summer:

plural noun

the sultry part of the summer, supposed to occur during the period that Sirius, the Dog Star, rises at thesame time as the sun: now often reckoned from July 3 to August 11.
a period marked by lethargy, inactivity, or indolence and extreme heat, when you live in the beautiful ugly!!

Sort of a life analogy,

you need to deal with,

slightly unbearable,

roasting heat,

in order to have juicy, sweet,

complex and almost wine like,

peaches.

They are my mom’s favorite and my friend, the anarchist, couldn’t get enough of them.

I have had that kind of Summer,

extreme heat, lethargy, crankiness,

and beautiful experiences.

I had a lovely mini vacation,

with my best bud in the Adirondacks,

it was great.

I had an opportunity to co-lead,

a series of discussions,

on theology at my beloved St-Jax’s,

it was an enriching experience,

it also comprised it’s share of challenges,

some of which were not so pleasant,

but, on the whole,

it was awesome, a chance to learn,

to discuss, a chance for fellowship,

for community.

I have thought a lot this Summer,

maybe even more than usual!

I have read a ton of books,

mostly theology.

I have spent a lot of time,

trying not to overthink things,

with various levels of success,

I have prayed and reflected,

I have worked hard on patience,

with myself and with others.

I have struggled with scripture.

In it’s meaning, but, also reconciling,

the parts that condemn me as a Gay woman,

with the message of,

love and acceptance that is the Gospel.

On Sunday at church, the former rector,

shared her journey in faith, it was beautiful.

She spoke of her Granny and of our roles as,

Lightbearers.

And later that evening I attended ,

a Pride mass at Christ Church cathedral,

as I listened to the Homily,

the penny dropped

I have been attending church,

participating, praying, but, I have never,

taken communion.

I was baptized in the Catholic church,

as an infant so technically I could,

take part.

But, I didn’t want to,

until I felt sure.

No one ever pressured me,

and I have always felt loved , accepted,

but, as I sat there and listened to,

the beautiful, personal, testimony-homily,

I knew.

The light went on, it is time.

I hope that all you understand,

that I do not share this to preach,

to evangelize.

I share to share,

writing this blog has always been,

about sharing , about thinking out loud,

in the past, almost two years ,

my quest has been spiritual,

a quest for meaning,

for truth and joy,

thank you for allowing me to share.

Be well, my friends

later girls

Spiritual quest part IV

Hello all, hope you are,
all,
well.
April's biggest challenge,
here in the beautiful ugly,
has been staying...
dry, 
lots of rain.

May is,
so far, 
all over the place,
Aw, Spring, I love ya,
you may seem fickle to some,
but to me,
you are renewal in all its,
joys and difficulties.

Busy with my,
tutoring,
work, 
life.
I continue my spiritual quest,
I feel more and more at home,
in faith.
Who would have thought?

My Alpha course, 
Alpha journey,
continues,
I leave every week,
with questions,
and ponderings,
I love that. 
I live for food for thought
:-)

This week's theme was,
one I was looking forward to,
What next? what to do,
with the rest of my life?

As many of you know,
I have been at,
a crossroads,
for a while,
I haven't chosen a path,
I have been exploring,
different avenues, roads,
not investing myself,
on a course of action.
Not exactly idling but,
slow pace.

These last few months,
I have felt much more,
in tune with myself,
physically,
mentally,
in my core.
I am over,
the physical shocks,
of surgery,
the fear of dying that,
accompanied it.

I have healed from,
the pain of losing,
my friend, the anarchist.
I miss him still,
but it no longer,
involves searing pain,
I smile when I,
think of him.

So this week,
I went to Alpha,
with joy and enthusiasm,
and,
was glad to see,
the people,
who I have grown so,
fond of,
a community, warmth,
and, faith.

We watched the old version,
of the video in French,
because the new version,
wasn't ready.
The old version,
isn't as well suited,
to the open and modern,
church that is St-Jax's
IMHO.
Long story short:
the video,
spoke of the bible,
being a way of living,
a guide book,
that God has given us,
and the guy spoke,
specifically about,
sexuality,
and offered up,
specifically,
a hetero normative version,
of the world.

Cold shower.

Now, to be clear,
we all live in a,
hetero normative,
world,
and we adjust,
and honestly it is expected.
Norm is norm.
But, what I have come to,
appreciate,
about St-Jax's,
like the other places I feel at home,
is that I am liked,
loved by some,
for who I am.
We don't discuss such things,
why would we,
we accept each other,
for who we are,
but, I can usually smell,
a bigot and hommophobe,
at a fair distance,
and,
like all groups,
there are undoubtedly,
a few in church.
But, I felt in my heart,
in my bones,
that the leadership,
and most of the congregation,
wasn't.

So, it was with a weight,
in my heart,
that I emerged from the video room,
to the discussion area,
I went to get some herbal tea,
and, wondered if I would have,
to leave St-Jax's.

I sat down with my tea,
and found the leader,
of the group and others,
discussing,
the different tone of these,
videos.
It seems they had all been,
uncomfortable with the video,
as well.
and they agreed that sincere love,
is just that.
Phew



My perception about,
St-Jax's taking people,
for who they are,
was right.

The thing is I could leave.
I have lived without St-Jax's 
and faith in my life,
before,
and I could do it again,
but,
I find that,
more and more,
I would rather...
not

Be well you all, thank you,
for accompanying me on my,
journey

Later girls,
BB

Belief

I have been very busy,
lately,
well,
by my standards, busy.

Lots of social activity,
learning,
cultural outings.
Went to see Book Of Mormon,
with my Bff for her birthday-
so smart, so funny, so irreverent,
and yes, a little offensive,
but we loved it.

Funny, how things, 
come to you,
to flesh out thoughts,
ideas,
creative questions,
or meaning of life,
interrogations,
a little mysterious.
I am not referring to research,
but, just living,
your life,
and things appearing to shed light,
on barely flickering ideas.

I have been writing about this,
for a while now,
how faith and specifically church,
has brought,
centered ness into my life.

Now to be clear,
it hasn't made me happy,
it has made me calm,
well, calmer.

I am happy, I was happy,
I am blessed, 
I have an amazing family,
friends who are...well,
the best there is,
I have love and passion.
My health is good.

What church has brought,
is an opportunity,
to work on letting go,
of anger,
an opportunity to forgive.

I struggle with some of these,
things,
it is hard for me to let go,
of hurt,
of anger,
but I am working on it.

I find that faith,
is a lot like love.
You have to believe,
you have to trust,
you have to make,
yourself vulnerable.

Faith isn't the way for,
everyone,
I don't think.
But, belief is,
living your life ironically,
is bullshit,
love isn't ironic,
neither is goodness.

Sarcasm and snarkiness, 
hide pain.
Laughing is good,
essential to long life,
like singing and loving,
but,
profiting from others,
weaknesses and foibles,
laughing at them,
isn't.

As Bruce Springsteen sings:

Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

When things are hard,
belief is all the more important,
but, even us happy blessed people,
need belief,
well, I think so

still fleshing this idea out, I wonder what you all think about this.


Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB

Notes on my spiritual quest-Part I

Mom is away for a few days, 
I hope she is having,
lots of fun, she must be,
she is with my aunt and,
they get on, very well.

I miss her when she isn't here,
it is definitely more quiet.
Mom is a whirlwind of sound and movement,
it is who she is,
and I love her the way she is,
but, quiet and solitude is good for,
everyone.

I have written of my new quest,
my spiritual quest,
my personal exploration of,
faith,
my coming to St-Jax's is quite,
serendipitous.
A part of my everyday landscape,
spoke to me, one day,
open modern church, all are welcome.
 
I have been going to service,
almost every Sunday,
since mid January and in the last,
few weeks,
I have been attending Alpha,
on Wednesday evenings.
I have gotten a few questions,
from friends,
both live and via social media,
on Alpha,
what it is, what it means.

I am no expert,
but, to my way of seeing,
Alpha is series of guided,
talks on Jesus, his life,
the meaning of life,
and our place in the world.

Alpha, starts with a meal,
the food is delicious,
varied and plentiful,
afterwards you watch a video,
and a group discussion follows.

So far, I have to say,
I have enjoyed it.
The people are lovely,
and welcoming.
My group,
is a good fit,
smart and reflective people,
who I like.

I am not sure that the videos,
would convince,
Atheists,
I think most people who come,
to Alpha and to the church,
come with an open heart,
a heart yearning,
for whatever hearts yearn for.

I say this not in a flippant way,
but, in a sincere way,
I think different hearts,
yearn for different things.

Mine, my heart,
and I believe by extension,
my soul,
yearns for meaning,
for purpose.
Some people yearn,
for love,
for acceptance.


I am not sure,
if St-Jax's and Alpha,
lead to that purpose,
maybe.
But, I do,
feel good and welcome,
there,
I feel centered,
at peace.
It's hard to explain.

I think faith,
is personal.

A framework,
guidance,
helps and may even be, 
essential,
but, to me,
it remains,
a relationship,
between me and,
my God-
like I said it's personal.

I share this with all of you,
because,
I share most of my quests,
with you,
it helps me to know,
what I think,
gives texture to my thoughts,
my ramblings.

There will be more of these

Take care all of you,
be well

Later girls,
BB