Bookish Butch – Page 83

Is it really an element of butch style?

The lovely weather lady,

on radio canada,

Josiane, be still my heart.

said the snowstorm,

would bypass,

the metropolitan area.

She was wrong,

looks like at least,

twenty centimeters,

and,

it’s still coming down.

I don’t care,

it’s my day off,

not much on the schedule.

Still,

must be frustrating,

to have a job,

that involves,

years of study,

where you seem,

to be wrong,

most of the time:-)

I finished,

Giovanni’s Room,

I’ll wait,

a few days to review.

I’m still absorbing.

It is a short novel,

hard to discuss,

without giving too much,

away.

I’m in a light mood,

today,

so,

that means,

Elements Of Butch Style.

Since spring is coming,

I will soon,

be reinstating my,

baseball caps,

so expect something,

on that,

pretty soon.

Today,

as there is,

no Spring,

on the horizon,

I wanted to write,

about an intimate layer,

of butchdom?

of butchness?

I hear you thinking out loud, perhaps even, freaking. How much more intimate can you get than a discussion on boxers?

The most intimate layer,

there is,

worn directly on the skin,

indicative,

of,

personality,

lifestyle,

attitude.

Scent,

fragrance,

smell.

I think you all,

know by now,

that I am,

an olfactory butch,

the sweet smell,

of a woman,

is important to me.

I don’t mean,

flowery,

fruity,

I mean sweet,

clean,

feminine,

could be soap.

Hard to describe, but, I know it when I smell it

Scent is important to me,

hers,

and,

mine.

I want a woman,

to think,

I smell good,

even better if,

I can get a,

God, you smell wonderful.

This extension of my personality,

has evolved over the years.

When I was a young,

butch on the prowl,

I used to wear this,

Calvin Klein men’s cologne,

it was musky and sexy,

subtle,

but,

not too subtle,

a little bit,

masculine,

butch 1980’s style,

worn under a big loose,

sweater,

it was,

successful.

More with straight girls,

ah! butches and straight girls, dangerous, mine filled territory, I won’t go there!!

but,

I wanted to attract lesbians,

still do!!

here’s where it gets,

complicated,

how do you smell like,

a woman,

and not smell like the woman,

you seek.

I wear a unisex scent,

to me it is neither,

masculine,

nor,

feminine,

it’s both,

it’s butch:-)

A little citrus,

a little basil,

a little fern,

it’s nice.

I know some butches,

who wear nothing,

but,

shower gel,

you know Lever 2ooo,

type stuff,

I sometimes go that,

way.

Sometimes,

I do light verbena and lime,

again clean and subtle.

But, I remain convinced,

that the woman I seek,

wants her butch,

to smell like one.

Again, I’m single so my expertise is definetly in question

what do you girls think,

Am I being silly,

or does scent matter?

is it really an element of your butch’s style?

Later girls,

Lesbian classics

Interesting article on kissed by venus.

link here:

http://kissedbyvenus.ca/?p=2759

Lesbian classics,

how many of these have you read?

“Orlando” by Virginia Woolf
“The Well Of Loneliness” by Radclyffe Hall
“The Children’s Hour” by Lillian Hellman
“The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas” by Gertrude Stein
“Ruby Fruit Jungle” by Rita Mae Brown
“Patience & Sarah” by Isabel Miller
“Oranges are not the only fruit” by Jeanette Winterson
“The Price of Salt” by Patricia Highsmith
“Annie On My Mind” by Nancy Garden
“Stone Butch Blues” by Leslie Feinberg
“The Color Purple” by Alice Walker
“Tipping The Velvet” by Sarah Waters
“Beebo Brinker” by Ann Bannon
“Curious Wine” by Katherine V. Forrest
“Desert of the Heart” by Jane Rule

I’ve read ten of the fifteen,

I’m not sure if I’ve read,

The Color Purple,

I’ve seen the movie several times,

it is one of my exes,

all time favourites,

That, and Sound Of Music, but we won’t go there:-)

I read The Well Of Loneliness,

as a teenager,

that book is enough to scare,

a butch,

off women,

for life.

Dark and gloomy,

I’m glad I read it,

only because,

I can honestly,

say,

that I read it.

The Children’s Hour,

I’ve read and seen.

I must say,

the movie,

left a bigger impression,

but,

I love all things,

Lilian Hellman.

Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown.

I first heard about this book,

in a movie,

Educating Rita,

with Micheal Caine,

and the gorgeous, magical,

Julie Walters.

If you have never seen this movie, do, it’s amazing.

Julie takes the name Rita,

in honour,

of Rita Mae Brown,

who changed her life through,

Rubyfruit Jungle,

the filmaker is poking fun,

and Rita, the character,

isn’t even gay,

but,

I had to read the book.

I bought it,

on an unforgetable trip,

to Boston,

years ago.

I’ve read it,

ten, twelve times,

I do find it a bit dated,

but,

Molly is a strong,

independent,

uncompromising character.

My copy,

had a picture,

Of Rita,

the author,

on the back cover,

I wanted to look just like her.

silly butch:-)

I have read many of Brown’s books,

in the last few years,

I’ve gone off her,

how much can you read,

about quaint Virginia,

and foxhunts?

before,

deathly boredom sets in.

Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit,

by Jeanette Winterson.

This book is amazing,

I can’t say enough good things,

about Winterson,

although I prefer,

Written On The Body,

Oranges,

is a coming of age,

autobiographical novel.

I read all her books,

some of them are,

very strange.

odd journeys,

but,

I trust her to,

take me somewhere,

interesting.

I’ve read both,

The Price Of Salt,

and,

Stone Butch Blues,

in the last year.

I liked,

The Price Of Salt,

Stone Butch Blues,

shook me to my core.

Sarah Waters,

Tipping The Velvet,

is funny, entertaining, sexy and reflective.

All of her books,

are must reads,

in my opinion.

Victorian Lesbians,

very hot.

Beebo Brinker by Ann Bannon,

not only is it,

a pioneering novel,

but,

it’s a really good read,

Beebo is a tender character,

the ultimate butch,

nothing stone about her.

Curious Wine by Katherine V Forest,

so romantic,

so, so romantic.

The love scenes,

will make you melt.

Desert Of The Heart by Jane Rule,

this book to me is,

the Lesbian classic.

The movie is a classic,

as well,

deservidly so,

the first time,

I ever saw two women,

kissing and making love,

that looked real.

Nobody dies,

or goes back to her husband,

revolutionary stuff.

Well, that is my take on the list,

what’s yours?

How many have you read?

Most of these can be enjoyed,

by all,

you don’t have to be a lesbian:-)

Later girls,

Those who came before

I got up,

to rain,

this morning,

lots of rain,

so in typical,

me fashion,

I expected,

the bookstore,

to be deserted,

I tried to be optimistic,

and tell myself,

I’ll finish,

my Baldwin.

To my great surprise,

I was very busy,

and had a day,

that is surely,

a record,

for early March.

Interested,

interesting,

customers,

buying,

lots of books.

Delightful.

Thirty pages left,

on Giovanni’s Room,

I’ll finish it,

before turning in.

I find it difficult,

honest,

filled with,

ugly emotions.

He was a brave man,

James Baldwin.

This novel,

was published in 1956,

and is an honest account,

of a homosexual affair.

His work,

was gutsy,

his life was gutsy.

He lived as an out,

homosexual,

didn’t really say, Gay, then

in the forties, fifties,

a black man.

It’s hard for me to imagine,

how difficult,

it must have been,

I live in,

a time,

and in,

a country,

where I can,

legally marry,

a woman.

He lived ,

in a puritanical time,

in a racially segregated society,

when being queer,

was a disease.

He was brave,

brilliant,

an example in every way.

Being true to,

your art,

your self,

your truth.

Freedom is not something that anybody can be given. Freedom is something people take, and people are as free as they want to be- James Baldwin

We stand on the shoulders,

of the,

James Baldwin’s,

of the past,

all of us,

regardless of,

preference,

or identity.

Good to remember,

those who came,

before.

Later girls,

Online dating or not?

Another cold one,

will it ever end!!!!

The Habs won last night,

I’m not too,

interested right now,

but,

I still,

watch the highlights.

I went out,

with busy writer,

last night,

we had planned soup,

but,

instead we did,

beer,

because,

sometimes,

you need to cut loose,

and have,

a couple of cold ones,

with your friends.

So we had a pitcher,

of Sleeman’s,

and talked.

We always have good talks.

I flirted with her,

it’s harmless, and mostly, for fun, besides, she seems immune to my considerable charms:-)

and we brought each other,

up to date.

The bar was full,

spring break.

I must be getting old,

they all looked about,

fifteen to me.

I’m guessing,

they were,

more like,

early twenties,

whatever.

So,

I said to busy writer,

who, btw, is looking fantastic- yoga, it’s a beautiful thing, or so I’m told:-)

I need to make some new,

gay women friends.

My gay girlfriends,

wonderful, one and all:-)

are all in couples,

or exes,

or much younger,

sort of limits,

the dating pool.

So, I need to meet,

women of a similar age,

with similar interests,

who live in the same city.

or,

I need to try,

online dating.

OK,

confession time.

I have been thinking,

about online dating,

for a while,

but,

I have heard such,

horror stories,

and since,

I’m the kind of butch,

who grows on you,

it might not be great.

Still,

I figure,

since regular dating,

is proving to be difficult,

would online dating,

be that much,

worst?

I figure,

I could write an add,

that would go something like this:

Sensitive and charmingly old fashioned butch seeks femme for friendship or more. I am a self-employed lover of books. Middle aged with good hair and teeth. My tendency is towards self-deprecation, but, I’m working on it. You, should be smart, soft and sweet smelling, love fiction, no self-help readers, please. Perhaps we could share some greasy Chinese food while discussing the relative merrits of John Irving, Somerset Maugham or Edna Saint-Vincent-Millay. I’m looking for an independent woman, who needs me. Not too girly, not too tall. Must love cats, mothers and not despise hockey. Bonus, if you think Blundstones and plaid are bloody adorable.

So what do you think,

good huh?

I am kidding,

but,

I am considering,

it.

What do you think?

Later girls,

Are butches, explorers?

I’m going out,

with busy writer,

tonight,

soup and coffee.

I love to go out for,

tum yum soup.

It’s complex and nuanced,

a very feminine soup.

It’s sweet,

it’s sour,

it’s spicy,

it’s hot,

it’s has many layers,

changing seasonal,

taste,

irresistible.

Remember,

I said I liked,

smart, soft, sweet smelling women,

I also like curves,

of the physical,

and the journey type.

I like a woman,

that makes me work,

for it,

By, It, I don’t mean sex, I like easy as much as the next Butch:-)

I mean,

heart.

Could explain why I’m single.

I wonder,

wouldn’t it be easier,

to like women,

who actually,

pursue me?

Oh, no I like the dance,

one step forward,

two back.

The challenge,

the discovery,

the courting.

I like it but,

I suspect,

I suck at it.

In spite of all these ramblings,

I feel giddy,

and optimistic.

hormones obviously make you deluded.

Beneath,

the staid, earnest, plaid clad,

butch exterior,

lies the heart of the,

coureur des bois,

the explorer,

the one who,

keeps saying,

“I’m pretty sure it’s right around this bend,”

with a French accent:-)

so on I go,

seeking,

curves.

Not going to let,

some mosquito bites,

and slapping branches,

deter me,

no way,

I’m a butch.

Later girls,

On the genius of Baldwin and the promise of dating

I’m reading,

Giovanni’s Room,

it’s good,

no,

it’s great,

I have always admired,

Baldwin’s work,

strength,

indignation,

clear angry prose,

but,

this,

is genius,

dark,

pain,

clarity,

and insight,

And yet-when one begins to search for the crucial, the definitive moment, the moment which changed all others, one finds one-self pressing, in great pain, through a maze of false signals and abpruptly locking doors

and this,

Perhaps he is a fool and a coward but almost everybody is one or the other and most people are both…he buttoned his wallet, locked his door, and retired into that strong self-pity which was perhaps, the only thing he had that really belonged to him.

I mentioned,

it was,

dark,

right?

Right now,

I can handle dark.

It feels like,

spring is coming,

I feel it,

in my fingers,

in my toes.

I’m feeling frisky,

and a little lonely.

I got a haircut,

polished my boots,

I’m feeling,

swagger,

dangerous swagger,

like I haven’t felt,

in years,

what is it they say,

about a woman’s sexual peak?

forties?

plenty of time left,

watch out,

you have been warned:-)

In the meantime,

I’ll keep reading,

oh,

and,

singing,

go figure,

bookish butch,

is giddy,

because,

one thing,

I should remember,

about the last few,

strange and brief,

experiences,

I’m dating again,

and it’s hard,

but,

nothing worth doing,

isn’t.

Later girls,

The Oscars, and nostalgia

There was a time,

I would see,

all the,

Oscar nominated films.

I would get excited,

and ,

fill out,

winner prediction grids,

in the newspaper.

I would read,

movie magazines,

the trashy,

the serious.

This year,

I almost didn’t watch,

The Oscars,

it would have been the first,

I missed,

in— thirty years?

But, in the end,

I did,

I’m glad I did,

Anne Hathaway,

and,

James Franco,

did a good job.

and I wanted to see if Incendie would win, alas it did not(:

I had only seen,

one of,

the nominated movies,

Black Swan,

which I,

didn’t like very much.

I probably wouldn’t,

have seen it,

if it hadn’t,

been my dates choice.

I still love movies,

I will always love movies.

Movies,

like books,

formed my imagination,

helped me see the world,

as it was,

as it should be.

One part of the Oscars,

I look forward to,

weirdly enough,

is the,

In Memoriam,

segment.

What’s next? reading obituaries, BB is getting old—- well, older anyway.

In Memoriam,

is a visual tibute,

to those who have gone.

When, you see Hepburn, Malden, Neal,

on the screen you say,

oh well, they were old,

nice long life,

but,

when you see someone,

up there,

who for years has been frozen,

at 38 in your memory,

it’s a shock.

This year it was,

Jill Clayburgh.

Jill Clayburgh,

was a big star,

late 70.s,

early 80.s,

she was twice nominated,

and gave,

a seminal performance,

in Paul Mazursky’s,

An Unmaried Woman.

A feminist movie,

well,

for Hollywood.

I loved Jill Clayburgh,

she was classy,

she was brainy,

she was sexy.

I didn’t even know,

she died,

shock,

good thing,

I watched.

Here is a small visual tribute,

to the great actresses of her era,

plucky broads one and all.

Jill Clayburgh, gone too soon. An Unmaried Woman, is a must see.

Sally Field, still around and appearing in Brothers and Sisters, on television. Here in Norma Rae her first Oscar. A great movie.

Jane Fonda. Klute, Coming Home, On Golden Pond. Tough, political and controversial.

There are many fine actresses in all eras,

these were the models,

of my childhood.

Tough, uncompromising, women.

One thing about the Oscars,

they make you nostalgic:-)

Later girls,

Library Visit and a walk down The Street

Library visit,

today.

Been going,

to the library,

a lot lately,

When I’m,

bored and broke,

the library,

is a good option.

I still have,

Giovanni’s Room,

and,

Gertrude Stein’s Selected Writings,

I am going to be reading,

the Baldwin this week.

I took out two more books,

a biography of,

Bruce Chatwin,

by Nicolas Shakespeare,

and a,

Ford Madox Ford tetralogy,

Parade’s End.

I have long held a fascination,

for Bruce Chatwin,

I think,

strangely enough,

it stems from my love,

for Moleskin notebooks.

Chatwin lived a dream life,

travelling all over the planet,

and writing about it.

The Chatwin stuff,

I’ve read I really liked.

I like the look of him,

the romance of him,

and his tragic end.

It’s a big book,

should take me a while,

to get through,

I’ll let you know.

Ford Madox Ford,

is a British writer from,

the teens and twenties,

he was a very influential editor,

and was a major influence,

on Hemingway and company,

the Lost Generation.

This tetralogy is often referred to,

as some of the best novels,

about the Great War,

First World War.

I know next to nothing,

about the War to End All Wars,

as a Canadian,

I really should,

so many of ours,

died in that war.

Instead of taking,

the subway,

straight home,

I walked up,

Ste-Catherine street.

I love Ste-Catherine street,

through the,

good times and the bad.

Hers and mine.

It’s my street.

To me,

the heart of the city.

I walked from,

St-Denis to Jeanne-Mance,

a lot of change going on,

in that part,

they are totally transforming,

the Main, St-Laurent,

making it into a gentrified,

place for the Jazz Fest and company.

I like the Jazz Fest,

and I like tourists,

but,

when a city looses some of it’s,

decay,

in favour of ,

uniformity and slickness,

it looses history and character.

Cities aren’t,

only about postcard vistas,

they are also,

about people,

pigeons,

alleys,

and tough, weary,

cats.

Pretending there are no,

homeless,

and poor,

doesn’t solve the problem.

Urban renewal,

is important,

but, at what cost?

I’m a little bit sick of condos,

and concert halls,

I’d like some trees,

and social housing.

But, hey,

I’m no urban planner.

Tonight,

the Oscars,

I can’t say I really care,

except,

I’d like to see,

our nominee,

Incendie by Denis Villeneuve,

win best foreign film,

fingers crossed:-)

Later girls,

Desire and words, what do we think?

Those who restrain desire, Do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained--William Blake

Desire: (v) Wish, long for ardently, yearn for; express a wish, request- n. longing; sexual appetite, lust; wish, request; thing desired.

Lust: (n) sexual desire, esp. considered as excessive or sinful; (fig) intense desire. Lust(v) feel strong (esp sexual) desire.

**The definitions, courtesy of an old, Penguin Concise Dictionary of the English Language, I had lying around the bookstore**

In the last few posts,

we have been,

exploring the erotic,

our conception of it,

as well as type,

and whether we have one,

or even believe in it.

I say we,

not because,

I have,

delusions of grandeur,

and have commenced using,

the royal we:-)

No,

we,

as in,

us,

we have a little informal,

discussion group going.

I appreciate and solicit,

the feedback.

Some of you comment,

via the blog,

some via email,

because you wish to,

remain,

anonymous,

some of you don’t comment,

and are thinking about it,

don’t be shy,

go ahead,

wade in,

the water is warm.

Some of you, are hoping I get back to books soon, and I will.

but,

for the purposes of this post,

and others in the future,

I have added,

a new category,

What do we think,

who knows where it will take us,

it’s all good.

Tonight,

and lately,

I have been thinking,

about words and how,

they heighten,

or suppress,

desire.

Last year,

I dated a woman,

for a while,

we had been friends,

and took what we thought,

would be the next logical step;

dating,

as a means to,

a romantic relationship.

Just so you know, we are no longueur friends so I can’t offend her, she doesn’t read my blog, plus, I will not reveal personal details or info, I don’t believe in the old kiss and tell. I am using this anecdote strictly to illustrate how words mean different things to different people. End of caveat:-)

One night after,

a lovely date,

I sent her,

a flirtatious email,

and I signed it,

with lust.

In my mind,

I was saying,

that I wanted her.

To me this was good,

lustful,

intense desire,

between like intended,

adults,

is great,

and should be,

sought out and expressed.

Her reaction was,

mercurial,

to her,

the word lust,

was negative, ugly,

practically,

perverse.

So, a sexy email,

meant to lightly,

titillate,

became the ramblings,

of a dirty ole butch,

I am barely,

exaggerating.

To me the word was positive,

and meant in an,

intent desire way,

to her it meant,

sinful and perverse.

Was it a result,

of linguistic and cultural,

difference?

I don’t think so.

Did she have more Catholic guilt,

than I?

No.

I believe it was,

a trigger word for her,

obviously,

conjured up bad images,

or memories.

It was also,

an excuse,

because the desire,

wasn’t there.

Mine wasn’t either,

I was trying too hard,

I figured good friends,

make good lovers,

not always,

and not in this case.

In this case,

it turns out we weren’t even,

good friends.

I learned to be careful,

with the l word:-)

But, you know,

honestly,

I don’t want to be careful,

I want to use words,

to express my feelings,

and my desires,

I guess I need a woman,

who interprets them,

the way I do,

who gets nuance,

and word play,

who knows that every word,

well, practically,

has more than one meaning.

I am not telling you this so you can say, Ah poor BB and her pathetic love life, over the past few months of sharing the rocky road of dating, people have told me stories that are way worse than mine, dating is hell.

What I am asking is,

do you think,

desire should be restrained?

Also, don’t you think people,

attach both too much,

and not enough,

attention and meaning,

to words?

Think about it.

Later girls,

**Btw, the Habs won :-)**