Good day to all of you,
it is a beautiful day,
here,
in my beautiful ugly,
I am listening to,
Casals,
nothing soothes,
the savage beast in me,
musically,
as much,
as the great Casals.
The Bach suites,
I never tire, ever.
It has been a long week,
much good,
much tiresome.
I am not tired,
I am a little bit,
in need of stimulation,
and,
sustenance,
of the intellectual,
kind.
I saw some interesting,
things at the beginning,
of the week,
some poetry and spoken word,
and,
performance pieces,
stuff to get you thinking,
stimulate and activate,
your creative juices,
and I was invited to the theater,
on Tuesday,
a strong text,
and,
powerful performance,
So, I have been,
a vessel,
so to speak,
for culture,
opening myself up,
for new and different,
experiences.
Work was difficult,
this week,
the atmosphere..not so good.
I mustn't dwell.
It's Fall,
happy Butch Dance!!!(think Snoopy with boots and flannel)
My perfect jacket,
is back,
out with the shorts,
and,
bucket hats,
in with the jeans,
and,
caps,
baseball, tweed, Irish wool,
the light sweaters and hoodies,
and,
oh yes,
wait for it...
FLANNEL
I love Fall.
To me it has never been about,
cold and decay,
to me it's about,
protective layers,
suit of armor,
renewal,
harvest,
sustenance,
physical,
intellectual,
spiritual,
Fall,
I love you,
your wind,
your colours,
your rain,
your bite,
your deep blue skies,
your warm afternoons,
corduroy,
denim,
suede,
flannel,
boots.
I am a four season,
butch,
Vivaldi!
I have a special place,
for all the seasons,
in my heart,
but,
Fall is my season to shine,
Fall is my sweet spot,
plus,
at fifty-one,
I am in the Fall of my years.
Enjoy the Fall,
don't live in the past,
or the future.
Summer,
will be back next year,
and,
Winter,
is a few months off.
Enjoy the crispness,
the sweet apples,
the squash and pumpkins,
the horn of plenty time.
Hold your loved one's hand,
feel the wind in your hair.
Get a new scarf,
look in the mirror,
damn you look good,
Girl!
Be well, you all.
Later girls,
BB
Do clothes really make the …butch?
Hello all, hope you are all, fine, in all that the word means, well, good, refined, of quality, in other words, kick ass in all ways. Woo Hoo I am well. In transition, flux, even, but fine, still thinking, jobs, new and old. Working on myself, body and soul. Doing the workout, hoping the thyroid issue, can be dealt with, which should lead, to less weight, fluctuation. It's steady, within, 3-4 pounds, I monitor. Of course, I feel better, when it's lower, mostly in my head, 3-4 doesn't affect my wind or stamina:-) As someone who has spent, pretty much, all my adult life, on the heavier side, and at times, on the verge of,enormous! and, I still am, big, by, chart standards. But, I can tell you, that it feels good, to have less, restrictions, as far as clothes, are concerned. more choices. Not everything I like, fits, but, not everything fits my, slinky or athletic friends, either. I feel good about the fact, that I can wear, jeans, that I like, that look good and are, in keeping with my style. Now, to be clear, I always managed to dress myself, decently, in my style, but, more choices, is good in, everything, even if your defaults, are jeans and blue, button down collar oxfords, or a hoodie. I have found a few cuts, in jeans, and, manufacturers that I like, that are flattering and, comfortable. American Eagle slim straight, and, Gap, straight, both have some stretch, move with you, but look good, fit is important, having jeans that fit, well, it's suit of armor stuff, that and boots, and, a good jacket, you're golden. I know a lot of purists, don't approve of stretch, jeans, chinos, anything, one lifestyle blogger, who I really enjoy, I even listen to his podcasts, he's smart and funny and, opinionated, and, has impeccable style. He refers to stretch in jeans, as: stretch-the-high-fructose-corn-syrup-of-menswear see georgehanh.com I see his point, but, the thing is, I like the little bit, of stretch, I like being comfortable, and, having my legs and butt, advantaged, but, mostly I like being able, to walk and sit and squat, without the fear of splitting, my pants. These aren't ugly jeans, these pass any, casual urban butch, test, nice blue jeans that fit. It doesn't, for me, get any better than that. I have always cared about attire, and, yes, anyone who has ever spent time, with me and mirrors, glass doors, etc, knows, I'm vain and I primp, evidence? selfies on facebook and instagram:-) My style isn't in the least, peacock, it's classic urban sportswear, not leisure, not hip hop, Gap, L.L Bean and jeans, dressed up is chinos (khakis) dessert boots, vans, chelseas, urban sporty. Lately when people comment, on my clothes, the word that comes up, most is comfortable. I don't think that's bad, I think comfortable means, attainable, friendly, not struck up, I hope it doesn't mean, sloppy but, I doubt it, I'm not, attire wise. I spend time, I make an effort, to shop for, choose and put together, my wardrobe, I am aiming for comfort, for my own stamp, to not look like everyone else, to look like me. I have never been one, to think appearances aren't, important, it goes without saying that, character, honour, intellect and a good heart, are more important, but, if I can project, comfortable, I'll take it I don't believe in societal norms, of femininity or masculinity, but, to me the clothes I wear are important, and, I appreciate a sense of style, no matter, what that may be. Herein endeth, the ramble Be well you all. Later girls, BB
The climb, the ascent
Good afternoon, you all, here's hoping that, a gorgeous sunny, Monday afternoon, here in the beautiful ugly, finds you, healthy and happy, and, winning, at the struggle, that is, life. Been a gorgeous, Summer, and, yesterday, we saw the first, signs of Fall. It was cool, it was windy, some people, hate the end of, the heat. I find the cool air, invigorating. I find it conducive, to deep thinking, to creation. Maybe it's just me. I have loved, my Summer of shorts, embraced the heat, and free legs. But... I think I am ready for, Fall, to move on, to shake myself, from my, resting position. Hard to do anything but, rest your mind in, heat and humidity, outdoor activities, BBQ's, picnics, those work, but sweating over a, keyboard, not so much. I for one, will be glad to, reintegrate my jeans, my hoodies, my boots. I am having a hard, time, deciding, which direction to take. Sometimes, I wonder if life isn't, a constant climb, sometimes you find, a plateau to rest, sun yourself, catch you breathe, other times, you are perched, precariously on, a cliff side, waiting for the wind, the rain, the blizzard, even, to die down, for the sun to re-emerge, and, allow a safer period, to continue, your ascent to the next, base camp. Right now, I am on a plateau, not lush with vegetation, think dandelions and nettles, not asparagus and arugula, nutritious, filling, not delicious or satisfying, but, making it through, not just surviving, but, growing and gaining strength. My tweeds and down and boots, are ready, for the next series of climbs, good job, I am eating healthy and, doing my cardio. Up the mountain, down the hill, over the creek, and, through, the dale, life is a never ending, walk, run, hike, excursion, exploration. Sometimes steep, sometimes rambling, some years are about resting, some about exhaustion. A constant journey towards... I have boots, I have a jacket and a hat, up we go be well, you all Later girls, BB
Books, Butches and Fall
I have read very few books, this Summer, don't know why, but, a few days ago, I picked up a book that, I had ordered in April, and, that had just been received, at an indie bookstore, I frequent, occasionally. The book is The IHOP Papers, by Ali Liebegott, it came highly recommended, by a good friend, and, I loved the other book, of Liebegott's, that I read: Cha Ching. Good writer, strong voice, no beat you over, the head message, subtle, slice of life, of lives, walk a few moments, miles, in a character's, boots, wear their hoodie. That is the power, of fiction, to see life through, someone else's eyes, learn from them, it adds to the, texture of your life, your experience. Sometimes, you recognize yourself, sometimes, it just illuminates, other experiences, and, perspectives. I haven't read much, of this book, but, already I am liking it. The main character, Francesca, moves to San Francisco, to follow her, Philosophy teacher, every butch's dream, and gets a job, at IHOP(International House Of Pancakes) and, has to wear a Heidi of the Alps, type uniform, with nurses shoes. every butch's, nightmare. It is amusing, Liebegott, isn't dark, even when the, subject matter, could be, life, identity, coming out, unrequited love, cheap labour, all of it, she makes me, laugh, and think, and, remember. In 1995 or 1996, my ex and I, went to Boston, for vacation, it was fantastic, and, aside from going to, Harvard Square, The Boston Common, and all the historic, beauty that is, Boston especially in, the Fall, I had to go to, the IHOP, there was none where, we were staying, in Cambridge, but, one was within, subway distance, I was really looking, forward to going, and, the ex was amenable, an hour of subway, and, streetcar and we, arrived, the food, was absolute .... garbage, and, pricey, everything is in, Boston. Why had I wanted, to go there so much? Beats me, childhood memories, maybe, who knows, we went and, I figure, never again. It was also on this, trip, that I went to, Starbucks's for the, first time, we didn't have any, in Montreal, at that time, Starbuck's I loved, and, still do. On this trip, it was early, in October, I had one of those, moments, we were having lunch, in a cafe in Harvard Square, clam chowder in bread bowls, outside, a gorgeous sunny day, my favourite, gorgeous colours on the trees, the smell of Fall, a breeze, sitting with a friend, a precious friend, sharing the day, no need to babble, no nerves. I felt the breeze on my face, and, I remember thinking, this is a moment, of pure happiness, I could die now, with no regrets. Weird, when I hear, IHOP, I think of that awful breakfast, but, the memory, always ends, with, the perfection of the, lunch and company, and, moment in, Harvard Square. I am blessed to have, had, a few of those moments, in my life, and, I think Fall, weighs in pretty high, on my happiness scale. Enjoy the last of the heat, of Summer, prepare and rejoice in the, coming Fall, the season of colours, of sweaters and sturdy shoes, of walks through leaves, of crisp air, and deep blue skies, of new friends, and, books, of learning and harvest, Fall the best of what, life has to offer. Be well Later girls, BB
How about we wear what the #?*)(&*?? we want?
Hello ladies, hope the heat, isn't making you, cra crazy. It's been, hot and humid, here in the beautiful ugly, these past few days, end of Summer, with a bang. These past few weeks, as I have wallowed, in the joy and freedom, of shorts, shorts :-) The debate about, the burkini, has raged, in France, elsewhere, coming soon to a beach near you. I find the images of policemen, ejecting women, from beaches, for wearing burkinis, disturbing, and, that is the lightest word, I could find. Some see this, as a symbol of religious, oppression, some see this as, infringement of religious rights. Hmm, what do I think of this, I know that, for thousands of years, men have been dictating, what women, can and cannot wear. I also think that, we, men and women, have bought, into, what a woman should, and should not, look like, when did women, shaving every bit, of hair, from their body become, the thing, and everything else, become, unfeminine, weird. When did women, portraying an image, of prepubescence, become the desirable, thing? And, honestly, what does that say, about the manipulation, of desire. Why is okay, for men to wear clothes, they buy at Costco, because being, comfortable is what's, important, and, for women to be as, uncomfortable and fake, as is chemically, medically and fashionably, possible. So basically, Burkinis, bad, bikinis good? Is that what it comes down too? I think they are neither, good nor bad. If you enjoy wearing a bikini, not because you feel, obligated or coerced, than you should, gives you a nice tan, makes you feel, sexy, all good. As to burkinis, as a symbol of religious, dominance, I wish they did not exist, frankly, but, do I want, policemen, dragging, women off beaches, for wearing them? No, I don't. I want women to wear what, they wish to wear, what makes them happy, cool or warm, their favourite colours, an expression of them, that's what I want. Of course, I hold no truth, on these matters, strictly my opinion, I am curious to hear, yours be well, you all. Later, girls BB
Restlessness and longing for…something
Hello all, hope you are all in, tip top, form. Personally, I still have that, pain in the ass, cold, Summer colds!! and, I am feeling, restless, I thought it was, boredom, but, that isn't it, life ain't boring, someone set me, straight on that, won't make a, half assed, statement about, my bored state again, quite right, not bored. Freaked out? A little. Searching? Most definitely, Also, I am, sad, at the passing of, an old aunt, I am not so sad at, her passing, she lived to be, one hundred, what more could you want? She was a nice woman, with kind eyes, and fantastic hair. I didn't know her well, she was my grandfather's sister, my mother's aunt. Her passing comes, more than, twenty-five years, after my grandfather's, I miss him, still. and yes, living, one hundred years, is cause for celebration, but, she is the last of her clan, the last of my grandparents, siblings, contemporaries. I miss them, their guidance, their smart, fair mindedness, they were truly, wonderful people. They had such a, strong influence on my, life, on who I am, and sometimes, I wish I could, Bury myself in, my grand-maman's apron, or that grand-papa, would make everything, better by offering me, a peppermint. Of course, I am old enough, to buy my own peppermints, and, to this day, they calm and soothe me, but, nothing compares, to the love, the confidence, that came with those, peppermints, they believed in me, they made me feel, special, they cherished me. The longer you live, the more people you lose, that's how it works. So, yeah, I am not bored, I am longing for a future, and, missing the past, I guess I need to live, in the here and now Be well, you all, reach for those you, love, remember those, gone. Later girls, BB
Further thoughts on Pride and Butch
Good morning all, hope you are all feeling well. Enjoying yourselves, the Summer, vacation, the heat, anticipation of Fall, whatever floats your boat. Been a busy week for me. Worked quite a bit, caught cold in the, much too high AC, combined with wet feet. I'll live, it's just a cold, but, I am feeling miserable. Watched as much of the Olympics, as I could, it seems every time I sat down, to watch after my evening of work, it was beach volleyball!!! I am not a fan. Last night was track, I like track, and Canada has been doing well, better than expected and hoped for. But mostly this week, I have thought about, finding a new job. I went on an interview, they offered me the job, it seems ok, but... I don't know, mind you, Ok, is better than not. I have also been reflecting, on Pride. I had a wonderful time, at the parade, last Sunday, part of that, is the company, I was keeping, and, the nice weather, the Prime Minister... it was a good parade. But, it was also, the fact, that Pride has changed. It used to be, Brave and out, individuals, lots of leather guys, drag queens, some 'seen a lot' dykes, there are still those, which is great, the rainbow, but, also, the gay family alliance, Helem, an Arab gay association, that fights homophobia, within their own community, and, so many more, old, young, gay, bi, poly, trans, everyone marching, dancing and singing. So many more, out and proud than ever before. The newer generation, if polls and statistics, can be believed, is much more accepting, of the LGBTQ community, are there homophobes, in the younger generations? of course there are, but, there are less- the younger adults, don't really see, homophobia, as, acceptable, again if statistics are, to be believed, they are the gayest generation, they just see it, as another way, of being. Funny, because that attitude of, acceptance, brings up something else. Many of them don't get, the need to label, ourselves, we are like every one else. Well... Not quite, our rights are not, respected everywhere, in the world, in many places, homophobia is the norm. Wearing labels, embracing labels, is part of our empowerment, part of our being us. We can choose to be, "like everyone else" buy a little house in the 'burbs, make babies, or we can be out butches, flaming queens, whatever the hell, we want, that is liberation, being who we want. Just like the, feminist liberation movement, fought for women's rights, auto-determination, to be employed, equal bread earners, free from the obligation, to marry or suffer, poverty and or scorn, but, also to choose to raise, their children, be free and emancipated, women in the home. My label, self-imposed, is like that, to me. People don't shout dyke or butch, at me, occasionally they call me sir, and are mortified, when they discover, their error, Pro tip, if you call someone, sir or ma'am and see that you, are mistaken, don't make it worse, by apologizing and making a big deal, about it, realize and learn, stop insisting on gender dizing, everything and everyone, just say, hi, can I help you? No gender identification, required. These are some, post Pride thoughts, I wanted to share, with you all. Be well. Later girls, BB
Thank you, Justin
Hello all, hope you are still, basking in, the warm glow of the sun, been an exceptionally beautiful, Summer. Socially, it has been wonderful, for me, productivity and accomplishment, wise, not so much, oh well, there is always, September :-) I spent a good part, of the weekend at, Pride celebrations, I went to an informal cocktail, on Thursday night, with an acquaintance, who I hope, is becoming a, friend. We have much in common, and, much that contrasts, which usually makes, for stimulating, relationships, friendships. I am blessed in, the friendship, department, and, this Summer, I have developed new and newish bonds, as well as making old ones, stronger.
But, I digress, when don't I?
Saturday was community day,
in the rain,
but, it is my favourite part of Pride.
Social, political,
cultural, sports,
groups all out,
recruiting,
sharing,
info,
swag,
smiles.
And Sunday was,
The Parade.
It's been years,
since I went to a,
Pride Parade,
it is usually on very hot days,
always in,
the dog days of summer,
or pretty darn close.
This year was no exception,
as to the date,
but,
this year,
our Prime Minister,
was marching in the,
Pride Parade.
To me and many,
of my sisters and brothers,
this was important,
if nothing else,
symbolically.
Justin Trudeau,
is a politician,
a man,
with a family,
an imperfect man,
like all of us,
but,
think whatever,
you want of him,
he is the first,
Prime Minister of Canada,
to march in the parade.
Is that important?
So, important!
It is a symbol of,
acceptance,
not tolerance.
Tolerance is,
obviously,
much better than,
persecution,
but,
acceptance,
well,
that is a whole other level.
Justin Trudeau is an ally,
of the LGBTQ community of Canada.
He hasn't done anything for our,
community in terms of legislation,
that compares to what his father,
did when he was Minister of Justice,
way back when(1960's)
decriminalizing homosexuality,
or to what Paul Martin did,
the civil marriage act,
of 2005,
which provided a gender neutral,
definition of marriage.
But,
by marching,
the whole route,
of the parade not just the photo ops,
at the end.
He has done much.
No amount of snide and or glib,
remarks about his tendencies,
or his politics,
will take that away.
He marched in Toronto, Vancouver,
and,
in my home,
Montreal,
the three largest Canadian cities.
It meant a lot to me,
and,
my friends.
I bet it meant a lot,
to the older,
gays and lesbians,
who rode the pioneer float,
and,
who lined the route of the,
parade.
Those who lived through,
violence, discrimination,
and,
persecution.
The survivors of hate,
and AIDS,
remembering those,
who,
didn't.
So, maybe,
next time you want to use,
Justin as a punchline,
you think of that,
or maybe not,
your call.
Personally,
I say
Thank you, Justin.
Be well,
you all.
Later girls,
BB
Fifty, the new thirty?
Hello you all:-) Doing well? Feeling good? Another stupendous and glorious, morning, here in the beautiful ugly. Feeling good, so good. It's Pride week here in, Montreal. I am not a big parade girl but, I might go this year, maybe. I am going to a few dyke events, it's always nice to hang out with, part of the clan. I don't pick my friends according to, proclivities, friends are much too important to be, closed minded about. I like smart, funny, caring, people, men, women, gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever, oh and I am not ageist I like, young, middle aged, old. But every once in a while, I like to be with a majority of, dykes, queers. Feels good, feels right. So a dance party on Friday, and on Saturday, the hip hop graffiti festival, Under Pressure, which isn't a Pride event, another major festival going on, Montreal is a city of festivals. soak up the vibes, the energy, a bit of, a fountain of youth, motif, in action. I have to tell you girls, I feel so good, I feel full of, energy, hope, piss and vinegar, could be, Summer sunshine, could be, the cardio, and, the being without an, alien. But, the fact is, I haven't felt this good, in years! I feel strong, energetic, I feel powerful, as in empowered. Maybe there is, something, to this, fifty is the new thirty, thingie:-) I feel vibrant but I have my, experience and accumulated, knowledge. My legs and eyes aren't what they, used to be, and my memory isn't the, infallible vault it once was, but, all of them are still better, than average. Maybe it is a, fleeting Summer thing, but, I don't think so, I feel thirty, again, and it feels, good. Woo hoo!! Later girls, BB
Enjoying the warmth of Summer…
Hello girls, I hope you are enjoying your Summer, as much as I am. Sure, there have been, ups and downs this Summer, but, I have been out and enjoying, life. Making new friends, tightening the bonds of old, friendships, spending quality time, with my mom, with my Bff, and, my love. I still need to spend some time, with close friends, renew with long lost ones. Lots of positives. The negatives are much less, important. I will find another job, I will eventually feel, less anger about, being treated in such a cavalier way, by people I used to call, friends Not quite there yet, lots of anger, but, anger is healthy, as long as you know what it is, and, not let it consume you. Rage, work through it, move on, I am passed rage but, still working through, not quite at moving on phase, I'll get there, soon I've had fun, seen lots of interesting events, lots of sun, and baring of legs, shorts, baby, shorts:-) I have been very good about, my cardio and feeding, myself, well. By the time Fall rolls in, I will have to find a new job, look to new challenges. But, it's only August :-) I put my Resume together, this morning, first step in finding a job, to pay bills. I feel better now, about looking for a job, than I did in 2013, after I closed the bookstore, I am healthier and stronger, and, feel so much more confidence, in my abilities, in my experience. I know who I am, I know where I've been, and, the future isn't scary, it's just the future. Chin up, put on your boots, and walk into it, that's my plan But, for now, I will enjoy, the balmy, sunny days, of August Be well you all, Later girls, BB