Bookish Butch

Hello all,
hope you are well,
that wherever you are,
is warmer than here,
in the frigid,
beautiful ugly.

After a very warm spell,
a mini Spring.
It's gone,
cold,
again.
Oh well, 
it's early March.
Not an easy time,
physically or emotionally.

The week started out,
well,
I was feeling good,
the anniversary of my surgery,
was positive,
my life has so drastically,
improved,
I felt things were good,
I am exploring,
the political me,
the spiritual me.
I felt,
that I had become,
more receptive,
to other people,
their feelings,
their dreams.

I don't think,
I was looking,
with an observant,
eye,
listening,
with an attentive,
ear.

This week,
I have failed to understand,
two of the most important,
people in my life.
I have misinterpreted,
and sent mixed signals,
it has resulted in,
hurt feelings,
on all sides,
it has resulted,
in,
the necessity,
to explain,
to hash out.

Not good.

I suppose,
most of us,
feel misunderstood,
sometimes, 
lots of times.

I am a word person,
it is hard for me,
when my words are,
misunderstood,
I reach for the right,
words.
Words,
are essential to me,
but,
they often,
fail me,
do not convey,
the emotion,
behind my emotions.

Pain and frustration,
can come off as anger,
worry as dismissiveness,
concern as impatience.

I need to work on being,
better at explaining,
my words,
my thoughts,
my feelings,
my self.

I need to work at listening,
better.
I need to open,
my ears,
my mind,
my heart,
more.

Life is a work in progress.

Whenever, there is misunderstanding,
about words,
this old song,
comes back to me:

I keep working on it.

I apologize for the,

difficultness,

that is,

sometimes,

me.

Be well you all

Later girls,

BB

Good day,
friends.
Yesterday, marked,
an anniversary,
for me.
Two years,
since the top notch,
surgical team,
lead by the great Dre. Diane Provencher
at,
Hopital Notre-Dame,
here in Montreal,
removed,
the giant fibroid,
that had invaded,
my body,
the alien.

Giant is by no means,
an overstatement,
it was 30 cm,
in circumference,
and weighed,
over 12 kilos,
for my American,
and,Liberian readers,
over 25 lbs.

To say my life has changed,
since,
would be an understatement.
It transformed my life.

I went from being tired,
all the time,
lopsided and physically,
awkward,
to slimmer and more limber,
much more energized.
I went from avoiding cameras,
to being a selfie,
freak.
:-)

I went from angry,
mood swings to,
a much happier,
yet,
determined disposition.

A series of losses,
griefs,
preceded the surgery.
The surgery and it's,
aftermath,
brought lots of fear,
great discomfort,
as well as a long,
convalescence.
But, mostly it,
brought,
clarity,
confidence.
The only slightly,
negative thing,
the surgery brought,
was a massive scar,
and,
honestly,
I have learned to,
embrace it as a part,
of,
me.

Two years,
prior to the surgery,
I closed my bookstore,
and,
a year after that,
I lost,
my friend,
the anarchist.
The smartest,
most flamboyant, kind,
person,
I have known.
Both losses were traumatic,
and left me reeling,
wondering,
what would be next,
and,
then the news of the necessity,
for this surgery.
The very real life threatening,
possible consequences.

I can't tell you how scared,
I was.
I quit smoking,
I waited for the call,
I wrote letters,
in the event of my...

The surgery and convalescence,
were a complete,
success.

note to all you superwomen and supermen out there, follow your doctors orders when recovering, it is essential, and if you don't trust your doctor, find another 

Dre Provencher and the surgical team,
saved my life.
They also changed my life.
I am physically different.

I had lost weight before,
but,after the surgery it actually,
showed.

I have changed,
I am not sure it is,
discernible,
to others,
but, I am different,
I tell people what I think,
I don't keep quiet.



I share my opinions,
my truth,
if it can make a difference,
to someone, somewhere.

People find solace,
in many places,
in odd and strange,
places.
People need to be,
listened to,
heard.

I believe I listen,
better,
and hear,
more,
I have also banished,
haters.

For years,
I thought,
if I listened to,
was kind to,
haters,
that they would,
change,
people change,
when and if they,
want to.
You can't change them.
Listen and empathize,
listen to the pain,
empathize with the sorrow,
move away from-
 the hate,
don't let it,
invade you.

Seek your truth.

Be well friends,
don't keep quiet.

later girls,
BB

Hello all, hope the,
deep dark of February,
isn't being too hard on you.

I have been very quiet of late,
on this blog,
in a lot of places,
well, quiet,
for me.

I am still working,
on the not overthinking,
thing.
I figure that will be a,
work in progress for a,
long time to come,
but,
that's cool.
You gotta have stuff,
to work for,
live for,
strive to improve,
in your life,
in your personality.

So, yeah, quiet,
took a bit,
of a break,
from Face Book,
from the blog,
from everything.
having foot issues,
plantar fasciitis,

or as I refer to it to myself: the fascist who lives in my foot

Luckily, this flare up,coincided with a, possibility,of working from home,which was great,because it's frigid cold,out there,not to mention,
slippery,and my rubber boots,don't have adequate,arch support


I have spent time,
at church,
at the museums,
reading, listening,
to podcasts,
watching films,
seeing friends, 
being,
absorbing.

I have also taken,
a photography class,
on line,
that lead me to ask,
myself questions,
about photography,
and,
if I want to go in that,
direction.
The answer is:
I don't think so.

I love photography,
I think I have,
a decent eye,
I like to share,
on Instagram,
https://www.instagram.com/bookishbutch/
on Facebook etc,
illustrate my life,
my city,
but, 
it isn't my voice, 
it's a hobby,
I want to keep,
doing it,
learning from it,
it brings me joy,
but,
it isn't the thing.

So what is the thing?

Hmm, it isn't one thing,
and it isn't easy to,
explain or describe,
I like sharing, communicating,
teaching with a small 't'.
I am not a formally trained,
teacher,
I am,
however,
someone who,
likes to,
share what I learn,
about the world,
about life,
about myself, 
with others,
I like to learn from people,
there is so much to,
learn.

This morning,
as I turned over,
in bed,
woke,
to a new day,
I smiled to myself,
at the good day,
I had yesterday.
Participating,
in a political party,
of ideas,
feeling that my,
talents and strengths,
can be useful in such,
contexts,
that I can inspire,
people to want more,
and better,
that turning away from,
hate and cynicism is the way.

I don't have a big circle,
or massive influence,
and,
I don't believe in,
harassing,
or brow beating.
people,
and I really don't think,
I have all the answers,
politically, spiritually,
but,
I am searching and I have,
found in my new party,
my new church,
a place where I can find,
eventually,
my spot,
I think.

So, I keep writing,
the blog,
I keep,
sharing with you all,
hopefully,
you read it,
hopefully,
every once in a while,
it echos what you are,
feeling,thinking,living,
or just brings a tiny,
sliver of light,
to,
an experience,
that isn't yours,
and adds to your,
understanding,
of people, the world.

This morning,
I thought:
I miss my anarchist,
so much,
and, I will never,
replace him,
I miss my bookstore,
and the camaraderie,
that came from it,
but,
I have,
begun,
after my years,
of grief,
to rebuild,
to take new paths,
while still having,
my pillars,
my family,
my friends,
my love.

I feel confident,
and, strong.

thank you, all, for reading,
for 'listening'

one thing, I would wish,
for 2017...
that you would,
comment,
more,
share more,
what you think.
That you would,
feel comfortable,
to converse,
with me.


Be well all of you,
later girls,
BB

 

Good morning all.
Hope you are all well.

I am in a sad,
place,
right now.

It is cold, very cold, 
February right,
around the corner.

The last week brought,
what seemed like nothing,
but,
bad news,
from around the world,
from our neighbors,
and then on Sunday night...
a young man walked into,
a mosque in Quebec City,
and,
opened fire.

He shot and killed,
six men,
five more are hanging on,
to life,
thinly,
in some cases.
My hopes and prayers,
are with them,
with all of us.

How does one react,
to such hatred?
I think the only way,
is through love,
but,
also deep,
sadness.

Thousands of people,
gathered in Quebec City,
Montreal,
all over,
in vigil for the victims,
and,
for our Muslim,
brothers and sisters,
for all of us,
to mourn and,
show our support.

I live and work,
in a multi cultural,
multi ethnic society,
I don't have issues,
with ethnic groups.
I think, 
that sometimes,
it is difficult for all,
of us to understand,
each other,
to accept each others,
peculiarities,
quirks,
differences

this happens in our own families, why should it not happen on a societal level?

sometimes,
effort,
is required.
So what?
All things worthwhile,
require,
effort,
why should,
understanding,
and
getting to know,
people,
be an exception?

I work with many,
people of North African,
origin,
of Muslim faith.
We get along,
some more than others,
but,
I can say that of,
anyone,
no matter,
where,
they were born,
and,
raised.

I have been thinking,
about last Sunday's,
sermon at church.
Our pastor discussed,
the first book of Samuel.
I had never read,
the book of Samuel.

Something he said,
Graham,
our pastor,
really struck me.
We tend to associate,
with people like,
us.

My first instinct,
was to think,
not me:
I have friends,
from all walks,
of life,
all origins,
and age groups.
I have friends,
of different faiths,
of no faiths,
humanists,
atheists,
gay,
straight,
searching,
men,
women,
all kinds of people.

and...
as if he read our minds,
he said,
you know all kinds of people,
interact with all kinds of people,
work with all kinds of people.
but,
the people,
you would have over for dinner,
on a Tuesday night,
are they not...
like you?

I had to look,
into myself and admit,
to myself,
no one else-
that yes,
the people I am,
most comfortable with,
are like,
me,
sort of,
we all of us,
have uniqueness,
we are individuals,
but,
much more unites us,
than,
divides us.

There is a wave,
of intolerance,
of hate and ugly,
sweeping over,
the world right now,
we must,
all us,
stand tall,
take our neighbors hands,
resist,
with love,
with peace,
with determination,
fight back,
stand tall.

be well,
all of you

Later girls,
BB

Hello everyone,
hope you are all,
keeping well.
It's coming on Christmas,
and,
I am actually all done,
with my preparations, which is,
stupendous.


I have been keeping,
my promise to myself,
of not overthinking,
obsessing over things,
so far, I am managing,
mostly
:-)

I have been feeling a,
need for spiritual,
sustenance,
a need to make,
a difference,
to be involved.
What that means,
I am not quite sure,
but I have been drawn,
to churches,
their peace and quiet,
their beauty,
the words, the music,
can't really explain it.

I have also felt a call,
to politics,
roll up my sleeves,
and get down to,
the grass roots.
These are interesting times,
scary times, we live in.
I hear a call to serve,
not arms,
and,
in spite of the current illness,
that seems to be afflicting,
politics,
what I do 'hear' is that people,
want change.
To me Trump is no real change,
he is stagnant savage capitalism,
wrapped up in,
a made in China cloak of,
Make America Great Again.
Hypocritical, rich man crap.
I think a lot of the people who,
voted for him and agree with his,
'principles' are,
good earnest people,
searching for change,
but, 
they 
need to make change,
not abdicate,
their rights.

I believe both the
left and right,
want a better world,
a safe, clean, hopeful,
world,
planet.
I don't think screaming,
curses at each other will,
accomplish that,
or anything in fact.
There are facts,
and,
opinions,
not the same thing.
Demonizing will lead no where.
I believe in better angels.

One resolution for the new year,
flee haters,
debate with people of,
good faith.
No more mansplanners,
No more wasted energy,
thoughtful intelligent,
pragmatic and optimistic,
plans for change,
because change,
my friends,
is of the essence.

Working at a local level,
to make my,
neighborhood,
city, 
world.
Better,
belief and meaning,
this is what I,
want,
need.

World peace and better understanding,
lofty and attainable,
all at once.

Enjoy the lead up,
to the holiday frenzy

be well,
you all.
Later girls,
BB