but,

thankfully,

the muggy is giving us,

a respite.

I finished the Bear Bergman book,

and,

I found many things,

that resonated with me,

about being butch.

I have to say,

I don’t encounter,

a lot,

of aggression,

and,

opposition to my,

butchness,

I get the occasional,

‘Sir’,

especially,

when I am wearing,

a baseball cap:-)

but,

as a rule

it’s cool,

perhaps,

it’s where I live,

perhaps,

it’s my ‘not’ tallness,

perhaps,

it’s inherent,

friendliness and discretion,

on my part.

I’m not an in your face kind of person,

perhaps,

it’s luck,

I don’t know.

I think Montreal for all it’s faults,

is quite,

cosmopolitan,

and,

accepting of outward,

diversity,

but,

my time in Toronto,

was just as relaxed,

people see me as butch,

I think,

but,

not as a challenge,

to gender,

which is fine.

My objective isn’t to challenge,

just to be,

me.

which in an age of conformity can be seen as a challenge, I guess.

I do,

however,

realise,

that if my butchness,

expressed itself,

less sporty urban,

and,

more suit and tie,

and,

if I was taller,

and,

my shoulders broader,

as many a butch,

I would be considered,

more challenging.

As it is,

men,

tend to see me,

as one of the guys,

and,

also a woman,

they can talk to,

about their emotions.

Not sure if that’s a butch thing,

or just a me thing.

All this to say,

my public butch,

isn’t really a problem for me,

and,

only is with your more,

Neanderthal segment,

of the male population,

which I tend to avoid,

and,

manage through,

not sure I would if I wore,

suits and ties,

but,

I don’t like suits and ties,

for me,

anyway,

so I manage.

Butch wonder had,

an interesting post,

on how the gayness,

is often less an issue,

than the challenge to perceived,

masculine/feminine territory,

especially in the realm of dress.

I think that’s a valid point.

Boots and jeans,

men’s shirts,

even baseball caps,

are barely given a second look,

but,

suits and ties,

well,

you stand out,

you rock the boat,

which I think,

is fine,

and,

necessary,

but,

also,

that it holds,

such importance,

and,

is seen as defiance

by society,

disturbs me,

if you feel more,

you,

in a suit,

as a woman,

a butch,

why not,

shouldn’t people be allowed to be,

who they want to be?

I don’t think,

more,

or less,

of people,

men, women,

people who don’t use,

gender identification,

because of how they dress.

I like a sharp outfit,

I like a pair of jeans,

or a skirt to enhance,

the human form,

I appreciate,

neat,

clean,

sweet smelling,

a sense of style,

expressed in people’s own,

unique interpretation.

I like people to enjoy,

what I’m wearing,

to see it as an extention,

of me.

I want my sweetheart,

to think,

I look good,

sexy.

I like to challenge society’s perceptions,

about feminine,

about the neatly packaged,

never stopped to consider,

acceptable.

I like to push people’s boundaries,

that not all of us,

are the same,

or want to be.

I just think I’m a nudger,

more than a pusher.

But, I’ll tell you,

I love pushers,

I love suits and ties,

worn by those,

who ‘shouldn’t’ wear them,

I love a gender outlaw.

I’m just more marginal,

than outlaw.

I think if you want some insight,

into,

butchness,

you should definetly pick up,

Butch Is A Noun.

It has wisdom,

insight,

and stuff,

you,

will,

and,

won’t,

agree with,

but,

it will definetely,

add texture,

to your vision of butch.

Just rambling,

but,

why don’t you all tell me,

what you,

think.

Later girls,

BB

seems to be,

the theme,

of the week.

I am trying to,

tame my time,

so to speak,

learn to revel,

in my time,

before the business of earning a living,

rears it’s head,

again.

I’m not great at time off,

but,

I’m working on it.

There is always lots,

to do,

chores and errands,

and,

such,

and,

ways to keep busy,

but,

not having a routine,

is a challenge,

well, to me, it is :-)

I think I have all I need,

Summer wardrobe wise,

which is good,

you’ve got to be prepared,

for when the heat,

hits,

and,

hit it will,

sigh

I have a busy social,

weekend,

again,

which is great.

On Saturday,

my cousin,

is getting married,

she and her guy,

have been,

living in sin

for fourteen years,

they have,

four beautiful children,

they are tying the knot,

A) because they always wanted to

B) because you need legal protection,

when you have so many kids,

it’s the responsible thing to do,

if you can and want to.

Mostly,

I think it’s about,

standing in front,

of the world,

and,

saying,

“I love this man/woman and want to spend the rest of my life with them”

is that old-fashioned?

of course it is!

Is it romantically optimistic?

Of course it is!

Is it the right thing for everyone?

Nope, I don’t think so.

I’ve always been in favour,

of marriage,

I come from a long line,

of marrieds.

For the longest time,

I couldn’t,

as a gay member of society,

aspire to it,

but,

since I am a Canadian,

I now can,

and,

have been able to,

for quite some time,

2005 to be exact, that’s when the Canadian House of Commons passed a bill, making marriage between 2 individuals of the same sex legal and equal before the law to opposite sex marriage, no hyphen or legal difference, marriage not same-sex marriage, marriage.

Funny,

not sure,

I would get married

I just don’t want,

anybody,

especially,

not the state,

telling me I can’t.

Do I think,

non-married long term relationships,

can be as loving and bonding?

Yep, I do.

Do I think they can be as messed up and dysfunctional?

Yep, I do.

Do I think it’s realistic,

to pledge eternal love,

when the life expectancy,

is as long as it is?

and the world as complex as it is?

Maybe not,

but,

do I like the optimism and, romanticism?

Yeah, I do.

I believe,

in life,

you keep a B plan,

in your back pocket,

(and then promptly put it out of your mind)

but,

dream of the best,

build a fort against storms,

you give it everything you’ve got,

you work hard,

talk,

love,

and,

if you realise,

you’ve made a mistake,

you cut your loses,

with the least amount of acrimony,

possible.

It is a fine line,

between,

giving up,

and,

moving on?

Oh yeah, it sure is.

Not always easy,

actually make that, never easy,

but,

a combination of reasoned logic,

and,

cockeyed optimism,

will get you through,

that,

and,

crossed fingers

Love,

is a many splendored thing,

if at the end of the day,

we don’t believe,

in it’s possibilities,

it’s nurturing,

it’s salvation,

it’s grace,

what’s the point??

But, hey, what do I know???

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

celebrations,

are finished,

I got a few gift certificates,

which will bone up,

my Summer wardrobe,

you know,

t-shirts,

socks,

maybe a fun shirt,

or two,

another pair of those,

badass,

Old Navy jeans,

haven’t had a pair,

I felt as comfortable,

and,

yep,

I’ll admit it,

butch sexy

in years.

I’m feeling,

good,

smooth,

and,

I would like to share,

something,

trivial,

and,

sartorial,

with you all.

My current list,

of,

Butch Elements of Style,

to acquire soon,

maybe

First,

the most beautiful messenger bag,

I have ever seen,

I’ll save up a little,

but,

I’m getting this,

it’s me,

reasonably priced for what it is,

perfection,

Whipping Post’s Vintage messenger bag,

swoon:-)

I saw this on a few blogs and I’m telling you,

love at first sight.

Still looking for jeans in this colour,

in a flattering fit.

and a shirt in Chambray,

in this colour and style,

then I’ll have it all,

for now

What’s on your lust list?

Share,

keep it clean, we are talking objects here:-P

Have a great day.

Later girls,

BB

this morning.

I got home late last night,

early this morning:-)

I went for dinner,

at my friend the anarchist’s,

I was very glad to see him,

I always am,

but,

since I have closed the bookstore,

and,

been away,

it’s messed with my routine,

which is a good thing,

but,

some parts of my daily routine,

I miss,

a lot.

One of those things,

is my friends,

stopping in,

on their way from work,

in some cases,

it was once a week,

or so,

in some cases,

as in Francoys’s case,

it was practically every day,

it will take some time,

to adjust to not seeing him,

as often,

and,

a little effort and scheduling,

we’ll manage,

I’m sure

I think I might have given,

you all the impression,

that I didn’t like,

Butch Is A Noun,

by S.Bear Bergman.

I do,

very much,

I have found myself,

reading it,

and,

finding it very well written,

insightful,

even illuminating,

at times.

It is filled with tenderness,

for her father,

an example,

of how to be,

a mensch.

Her telling of her,

mentoring of young butches,

as she had been mentored before,

of passing it on,

so to speak,

is touching,

and rings very true.

I don’t necessarily recognize,

myself,

in hir brand of butch,

but,

the authenticity and lack of judgemental behaviour,

I like,

I appreciate.

One essay,

in particular,

brought forth,

reflexion,

on my part,

it’s entitled,

breasts.

It’s about,

how,

a butch,

feels,

about breasts,

the pleasure they bring us,

and,

the difficult feelings,

we often have,

with,

and,

about,

them.

our own breasts, not those of the women we love, those are wonderful and delightful:-)

How our breasts identify us,

as sort of ousiders,

in the gender binary.

I had honestly never thought,

about this,

consciously,

but,

it brought me to certain,

realisations,

about my own breasts.

I don’t have large breasts,

quite small,

in fact,

I am by no means,

flat chested,

but,

not overly endowed.

I never gave it much thought.

In the last year or so,

as my body,

has undergone changes,

weight loss,

gravity,

etc,

I find that I have lost weight,

everywhere,

but,

it shows most,

in my face,

my legs,

and,

yes,

my breasts,

the gut although smaller, is still in my estimation, massive, and seems to point even more to the smallnest of my breasts.

Now,

a lot of butches,

would be thrilled,

they would,

no longer,

need to bind,

or,

they could,

go braless.

I don’t bind, nor do I go braless, just not my thing, I see these things as very personal choices.

I have mixed emotions,

I worry,

that it will make me less,

attractive,

less woman,

and,

then I feel silly,

about it,

and,

think,

they are only breasts,

but,

they are mine,

they are seats of pleasure etc.

I read about Angelina’s decision,

to have both removed in a proactive,

act,

and, I wonder,

what I would do?

I like to think,

I would take,

a reasoned,

informed,

logical,

decision,

the thing is,

it’s about so much more,

than logic and reason,

it’s about feelings,

emotions,

attractiveness,

desirability,

one’s sense of,

womanhood,

even if our place on the spectrum,

isn’t conventionally,

feminine.

Complex stuff,

food for thought.

Bear’s book,

has brought me to some,

realisations,

and,

has brought up,

many questions,

to which I don’t have a lot of answers.

A book of essays that makes,

you think,

laugh and reflect,

makes you see things,

from another angle,

in my ‘book’,

is a success,

glad I read it,

I think many should.

Later girls,

BB

the birds are singing,

the sky is blue,

it’s warming up,

after a cold snap.

Yesterday was windy and rainy,

that hardly ever happens,

on my birthday.

it’s nice usually,

no matter,

just weather.

I had a very quiet day.

I was spoiled,

mom,

gave me a bottle of,

my favourite scent,

a scent,

I had run out of,

’cause it’s a little pricey,

everything is pricey when you sell used books for a living:-P

it is a very light scent,

citrusy and fresh,

herbal grassy,

blends well,

with my body chemistry,

and,

I have never smelled it on,

anyone else.

I like that it is,

my signature scent,

it’s French,

must be tons of Europeans,

wearing it,

here in Montreal,

it’s only available in one store.

All that to say,

I’m delighted with my gifts,

scent,

a sweet thoughtful package from my sweetie,

swoon

a gift certificate from my aunt,

American Eagle,

they have my favourite boxers,

and,

t-shirts,

good basic everyday stuff,

with youthfullness,

without being too hipster.

I have a nice slow,

week going on,

and,

a social weekend,

ahead.

Looking good.

I’ve been doing,

a little bit of reading.

Before I left for Toronto,

I had been reading,

John Ralston Saul’s,

On Equilibrium,

which I forgot to bring with me!!

I bought a couple of books,

at Glad Day Books,

In Toronto,

a gay bookshop.

I’ve heard and read lots,

about S.Bear Bergman,

but,

I’ve never read hir,

I saw this as an oportunity,

to pick one up,

I opted for,

Butch Is A Noun,

surprised I haven’t read this before,

so far,

I like it,

I don’t love it,

it’s well written,

and,

humourous,

but,

it isn’t as ‘real’ to me,

as Ivan Coyote’s stuff.

Maybe it’s because,

Ivan’s conversational style,

is one I can relate to,

more,

maybe,

not sure.

I also picked up,

a classic of women’s studies,

dyke history,

Lilian Faderman’s,

Surpassing The Love Of Men,

I’ve read two of Ms. Faderman’s books,

Scotch Verdict and Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers,

I found both to be informative,

and,

eminently readable.

Now that I have time,

and,

my concentration,

back,

and,

since I started writing this post,

the weather,

has turned grey and cloudy,

I think,

I’l do my chores and read,

get back to,

the bookish part,

of my moniker.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

and,

no,

the point isn’t to get,

all of you to wish me,

a happy birthday,

the point is:

I feel fantastic:-)

Here I am,

at a cross roads,

and,

a potentially scary turning point,

and,

yet,

I feel,

in full possession,

of my powers,

mentally,

physically,

creatively.

Don’t let anybody tell you,

48 is old,

’cause I’m here to tell you,

it ain’t.

My forties have been,

such growing years,

not always easy,

but,

difficulties,

have been met,

with more,

confidence,

less panic,

clearer head space.

I don’t bounce back,

physically,

from self-abuse,

like I used to,

but,

I know and appreciate,

my body more.

feed, water and rest it better,

than I ever have,

and,

I savour pleasure,

moments.

I look in the mirror,

I see,

a mature,

resourceful,

woman,

a butch,

with grey and a couple of wrinkles,

imperfect,

but,

living her life,

as true to herself,

and,

her principles,

as she can manage.

A lucky,

and,

yes,

blessed,

individual,

whole,

healthy,

and,

balanced,

mostly

I am proud,

of who I grew to be,

and,

of the work in progress,

that is my life.

Older?

sure.

Old?

not if I can help it

!!!

Later girls,

BB

haven’t had much of that lately,

clear blue skies and lovely weather,

accompanied me through,

most of my Toronto visit.

I had the most amazing time,

not much in the way of an agenda,

and,

no work worries,

along with being with a friend,

who I have known and liked for,

the longest time,

meant for a massively enjoyable,

exploration of the city.

I’ve been to Toronto,

before,

a few times.

It’s a city I like,

very much.

I know people there,

good friends,

who put you up,

and,

make you feel like,

an honoured guest.

This time,

I had time.

No rush to get in,

as much as possible in two days.

It is a very freeing feeling,

having time ahead of you,

with no obligations,

or worries.

Mom was at home with,

the Dude,

they are both,

healthy and happy.

No bookstore to look after,

for mom,

and,

no worries for me.

Chris and I did tons of exploring,

we spent a lovely day,

in and around Chinatown,

Kensington Market,

( a hip and quirky neighbourhood, juxtaposition of old and ethnic and hip and  millenial, sort of like St-Laurent used to be here, before they ruined it)

the University Of Toronto campus

(which is so architecturally impressive and lush),

we saw Queen’s Park,

and,

Roy Thompson hall.

We walked and walked,

and,

had some truly delicious cups of espresso,

I’m a Montrealer, I know espresso, it’s all I drink, and let me tell you Dark Horse espresso and Broadview espresso are right up there, with the top cups of coffee, I’ve had,- in my life!!

We had Chinese food,

in one of those ugly formica laden places,

that you know are good,

because everyone in there is,

Asian:-)

We did cultural things the,

AGO,

Glad Day Books,

all the stuff,

we botht love,

we watched people,

and,

we spent time,

nice ‘family time’,

with John and the pets,

I was spoiled,

good home cooking,

a guest room,

that had everything I needed,

and,

more.

I felt welcomed and cherished.

I spent an evening,

with two of my favourite people,

my friends the librarian and law proffesor,

I miss them since they moved to,

Toronto,

we caught up,

had a great meal of organic BBQ,

and,

cheerful, intelligent conversation,

and,

spent the night in another,

comfortable guest room.

I saw tons of things,

and,

basked in the beauty and vitality,

that is Toronto,

a really big city.

Meanwhile the Habs were,

eliminated by the hated Senators,

in five games,

(:

and,

the Leafs are hanging on,

against,

Boston!!!!

tonight is the seventh game.

So, it seems that not only does Toronto, have all that largest most diverse and interesting city in Canada thing going on, but, their hockey team is better too, jeez when has that ever happened:-)

When someone is at a cross roads,

in their life,

as I am,

such a city as Toronto,

is tempting,

very tempting,

food for thought.

So that’s my trip and so much more,

I feel,

rested,

stimulated,

relaxed,

and,

for me,

zen.

Thanks Toronto,

I look forward to my next trip:-)

Here are a few snaps,

Me in Kensington Market,

Hungarian Thai???

Again Kensington Market, I like it, a lot,

Chris doing the tourist thing with his friend,

Record shopping, a blast from the past,

Chinatown,

An amazing portrait at the AGO

Chris took this one of me in front of the Toronto Public Library,

notice the gut and the Blundstones:-)

Be well.

I bought some books at Glad day,

I’ll tell you about them,

tomorrow.

Later Girls,

BB

in TO.

no real time to write,

too much to see,

too much to do.

I’ll tell you all about it,

when I get back home,

soon

Be well,

and,

don’t let the Habs loss,

depress you too much.

Later girls,

BB

I’m packed,

got my hair cut,

and,

tomorrow morning,

I’m off to TO.

Yep,

Toronto,

here I come

I need the change,

of scenery,

the chance,

to charge my batteries,

and,

spend some time,

with good friends,

live some new experiences,

oxygenate my brain,

explore,

have fun.

I’ve been looking forward to,

this trip,

for months.

I’ll be bringing,

my laptop,

with me,

but,

I doubt,

I’ll be blogging,

I need to rest,

and,

maybe,

just,

maybe,

have something to,

write.

I’ll take my camera,

take some pictures,

and,

my friend Chris,

who is a real photographer,

will undoutedly,

contribute some pictures.

The weather has been,

amazing,

magnificient,

and the forecast for Toronto,

is good.

If it rains,

there is plenty to do,

shop,

see the AGO,

etc.

So, I’ll ‘talk’,

to you all,

early next week,

unless,

I have something,

important or interesting to say,

before then.

Have a great week.

Later girls,

BB

perfect weather,

a little warmer than seasonal,

I wonder could you pick better,

vacation weather?

Probably not

If it rained,

I would sleep a lot,

if it was cooler,

I would be doing chores,

organizing,

if it was hot,

I would be sweating,

and,

bitchin’ ans moanin’

but,

this,

perfect sit around on,

the balcony,

watching the day,

go by,

weather,

not thinking,

not doing,

just being.

I’ve done a little shopping,

at a very leisurely pace,

bought a Spring jacket,

which I desperately needed,

water resistant and wind proof,

can wear a sweater under,

nice,

black,

lots of pockets,

a good Canadian brand

(Roots)

didn’t break the bank,

should last a few years,

even can be adjusted,

to a less hefty me.

Bought some new jeans.

For years I’ve worn,

boot cut,

Old Navy jeans,

cheap and plain,

without looking,

cheap.

In the last little while,

I’ve found,

I didn’t like how,

my legs and butt,

floated in them,

so I got a new slim boot cut,

fit better,

look better,

and,

part of Old Navy’s,

premium denim line,

nicer, better quality,

and,

still more than reasonable,

under fifty dollars,

for a pair of jeans you will wear,

for years,

into the ground

more than reasonable.

So that’s what I’ve done,

with the start of my vacation,

shopped a little,

sat a lot,

socialised a little,

let my hernia sit,

and settle,

no agitation,

no stress,

lots of rest,

preparing for the trip to Toronto,

resting up,

for whatever life will bring,

a Spring of rest and soon,

renewal.

Still slowly working my way,

though On Equilibrium,

and watching Hockey,

series is tied,

1-1,

Go Habs Go.

Hope your weekend,

is sunny,

and,

all that you want it to be,

wether active,

or restful.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB