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Hello you all,

I have been in a cranky mood,

lately,

feeling unappreciated and unloved,

totally ridiculous,

but, hey,

you know,

hormones be hormones.

I thought I had avoided them,

the menopausal and post menopausal hormones,

but,

I have not,

I have been,

almost simultaneously,

this week,

a bitch on wheels,

and,

an ‘on the verge of sniveling’ wreck.

What’s wrong with me?

Nothing,

well nothing,

tangible.

I feel a surge of emotion coming up,

and,

I can’t really control it,

well,

that’s not quite right,

in the company of strangers,

I can,

I walk away,

at work,

I count to ten,

but,

with my mom,

with my girl,

and,

my really good friends,

it is hard to control,

maybe because,

I have lots of trust and love for them,

it’s been hard.

It doesn’t last as long,

as it used to,

but, still…

Any number of things can set it off.

Being contradicted,

can make me angry,

and,

turn me into a quasi petulant child,

not fun.

I have been trying to stay away,

from people,

not subject them,

to my toxic-ness.

I have even restricted my time,

on face book and such,

hoping to keep away,

from things that trigger,

the …

whatever it is,

trouble with my computer,

can ruin my day,

the washing machine dying pissed me off for a week,

these hormones are bad.

The world is messed up,

and,

there is plenty to be angry and outraged,

about,

and,

I am but, I can’t let the ‘little’ things get to me.

So,

I will be avoiding social contact for a while,

hoping it passes,

soon.

please, please

I have taken on an extra evening,

at work,

I need to work more hours,

I need a little extra cash,

but,

mostly, I need to keep busy,

when I am busy,

not exhausted busy,

but,

busy-

ideas,

develop,

manifest themselves.

So for the next little while,

work,

walk,

read,

take pics,

stay away from possible sources,

of negative and or conflict,

because right now,

I’m in a combustive state

🙂

I plan on a retreat to a monastery,

well , the ladies annex,

in October,

three or four days,

of walking, sleeping, eating good wholesome food,

taking pictures and recalibrating myself.

I tell you,

this menopause and getting older stuff,

it ain’t for wimps.

But,

that’s ok,

I ain’t no wimp.

😛

Be well my friends,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

Winner GLBT category.

Good morning all,

hot day here in,

the beautiful ugly.

I’m feeling good,

I’m feeling strong,

I’m feeling loved,

I’m feeling happy,

and as Irene Cara used to sing,

What A Feeling

🙂

for you young ones who don’t remember Flashdance and Fame, Google it:-)

Been busy,

in a good way,

writing up a storm.

editing past posts,

to include in eventual book.

I see it,

oh so clearly.

The new Mac,

helps a lot,

with that,

as well as making picture editing,

simple,

instead of hair pulling out frustrating.

Life is good.

I feel light,

I feel lithe,

and I think,

it has something to do,

with impending,

full scale,

menopause.

I imagine that some of you,

I‘m thinking guys,

are cringing or at least,

squirming.

I am not going to go into details,

but,

I will say this,

I feel as if,

I am about to be set free,

from the burden,

of menstruating and hormones.

The last two years have been,

hard,

mood swings,

oh boy,

I couldn’t even stand myself sometimes,

felt like I wanted to crawl out,

of,

my skin.

But,

this,

Summer,

even with the truly bad shit,

that has taken place,

I feel better,

in my own skin,

more confident,

more sexy,

more me,

and that has a lot to do,

with the advent of the next phase.

I know many women,

feel as I do,

and,

many more do not.

I mean some women,

feel that they will,

no longer be fertile,

and,

somehow,

less woman.

For me it isn’t like that,

my idea of woman,

is in no way wrapped up,

in my power to procreate,

never has been,

and,

I don’t think that’s a gay thing.

I think many women,

wish to be mothers,

and,

many more feel they are less,

because they aren’t.

or don’t want to be.

I have nothing but,

respect for mothers,

the hardest job in the world,

no training,

no pay,

and,

not always,

a lot of,

appreciation.

I chose not to be a mother,

never felt the urge,

and,

I feel my contribution is much more,

as another type of adult role model.

Kids must see that not all,

adults are,

like mommy and daddy,

even if mommy and daddy are great,

and,

unconventional.

It takes a village,

and,

some of the village is,

the aunt who is,

a party animal,

or a librarian,

the aunt who gives you,

quiet time with an adult,

who shows you different parts of the world,

who lends you books,

and,

teaches you about Art,

who doesn’t necessarily present,

gender,

in the same way,

who shows,

you that feminine is,

much more,

complex,

a word than it appears,

to be.

Those aunts,

and,

I hasten to add, uncles,

are important to kids,

showing them,

there are many ways,

to be,

you,

and different and marginal,

doesn’t mean bad,

unorthodox is often good.

Children are  a lot,

of work,

having others to help,

should be valued,

not vilified.

Beating ourselves up,

because we don’t fit stereotypes,

is bad for us,

and,

for the world.

Post menopausal women,

have much energy and freedom,

to create and give,

just saying:-)

Smash the myths,

butch,

single,

whatever,

is also,

woman,

and,

making children because,

it is the thing to do,

or expected,

is the worst reason to have them.

It’s your life,

live it as you see fit,

happily and as a member of the village,

it takes all kinds.

Ramblings thoughts.

Later girls, be well,

BB

Winner 2013 LGBT category

Fuck it.  I often hear of people who hate their jobs but feel like it’s too late to change.  If you’re reading this, you’ve probably got more working years ahead of you than behind you.  If you aren’t happy, just say fuck it and leave.  You’ll never make the drastic change you want with the safety net of a shitty job.  I knew I couldn’t be an investment banker and have the life I wanted.  When I left, I had no idea what I was going to do for money.  But I figured it out.  Trust me, you will too.

I read this on Tumblr, today, and it sums up so much, what I believe. It’s borrowed from a blog called Lifestyle of the unemployed.

For the past few months,

you may all know,

I have been working,

as a survey monkey,

it’s part time,

the pay sucks,

but,

strangely enough,

I like it.

I am a rock star,

at it,

and,

it does offer certain rewards,

I work with,

a bunch,

of weird,

interesting people,

I talk to hundreds of people,

a week,

all over the country,

I work four hours a night.

I don’t feel obligation,

I could quit,

anytime,

but,

I stay,

for the time being,

it suits,

me,

just fine.

Do I wish it payed,

a few bucks more,

an hour?

Duh?

Of course I do,

am I willing to give up,

my time, my energy,

my creative time,

for a few bucks more?

Nope.

I’m lucky, I manage,

in great part,

because of the,

continued,

unwavering,

support,

of my mother.

I don’t think the leanness,

of my paychecks,

will go on forever,

but,

for the time being,

this is the path.

I know many people,

who are trapped in jobs,

many others,

who like their jobs,

jobs aren’t always,

about passion,

they are the means to an end.

We all have ‘bills’,

obligations,

some,

much more than others.

Some of my acquaintances,

make three times,

more an hour than I do,

and,

they are miserable,

no passions,

no hobbies,

and,

not much in the way,

of companionship,

or interaction,

perhaps,

they would be better off,

working less,

making less money,

and,

living more,

perhaps.

Buying into what is expected of you,

from society,

or capitalist consumerism,

just isn’t the way to happiness,

imho,

plus,

I’d like to also put this out there,

making less money,

doesn’t make you a loser,

anymore than,

it makes you a winner.

But, giving yourself,

room to breathe,

to think,

to read,

to spend times with the ones,

you love,

well, to me,

that is important.

My survey monkey job,

allows me to spend,

time,

with my friends,

doesn’t allow,

all inclusive trips to Cuba,

but,

that isn’t my thing anyway.

I like clothes,

I like to go out to lunch,

and for coffee,

I find ways,

and,

I have generous friends,

and,

family,

they spoil me,

mostly by giving me their time,

cooking me dinner,

and such.

I am not too proud,

to acknowledge,

their generosity,

and,

also to recognize,

that for years,

I did it for others,

my generosity with others,

now,

is less of a monetary thing,

but,

I hope that my ear and shoulder,

are there for those of my friends,

who need it.

I think my point is,

🙂

do what you want,

make your choices,

listen to your voice,

not that of others,

if your voice wants you to work,

like an ape and make oodles of money,

well,

hey,

that’s cool,

but, respect that others make different choices,

and,

that even if they make minimum wage,

doesn’t make them losers,

it is in fact,

perhaps,

a harder choice.

Just some thoughts rambling through my mind.

Later girls,

BB

Well,

that isn’t,

the original phrase,

but,

since there is,

little consensus,

as to who,

coined the phrase,

first,

I am taking my liberties

🙂

One thing we do know,

the phrase,

the personal is political,

was used,

vastly,

by the feminist movement,

a good phrase,

that meant,

in part at least,

if you accept sexism,

in your private life,

because it makes,

you uncomfortable to speak up,

that is political,

and,

if you tell people that sexism,

rape culture and all manner,

of insidious remarks,

that put women down,

aren’t funny,

well,

that is political,

too.

The reason behind,

this long winded,

introduction:

the Sotchi Olympics,

and,

my decision,

many months ago,

to not watch them,

to stage my own,

personal ‘boycott’

I wrote about it,

here,

at the time,

http://bookishbutch.com/?p=3926

my friends and family,

and,

face book acquaintances,

are all aware,

of my position,

on this issue.

But, I will not belittle,

anyone,

for watching,

the Olympics,

I will not preach,

I will not call into question,

their humanity and fortitude.

I am just stating my position.

To me,

this is,

personal,

and,

thus,

political.

I grew up with a love,

of sport,

mostly,

spectator,

:-p

but,

love,

nonetheless.

Not watching the Olympics,

isn’t just windbag stuff,

for me.

It is a sacrifice,

I love the Olympics,

especially the Winter ones,

hockey,

bobsleigh,

speed skating,

all of it,

I am proud of our Canadian athletes,

our women’s hockey team,

will be captained,

by,

one of my favourite,

hockey players,

who will probably,

be making her last,

Olympic appearance,

the great Caroline Ouellette.

The Canadian flag,

will be carried into,

the stadium,

by Haley Wickenheiser,

the greatest female hockey player of all time.

Martin St-Louis,

will finally play for team Canada,

the plucky 5’8 38 year old,

is a last minute replacement,

for Steven Stamkos,

who is injured,

and,

so many great hometown heroes,

and,

determined athletes will be there,

some have worked,

their whole lives for this-

their moment.

So,

no I won’t critcise,

if you choose to support them,

I always have,

and,

I have always,

some would say,

naively,

believed in the principles of Olympism

The practice of sport is a human right. Every individual must have the possibility of practicing sport, without discrimination of any kind and in the Olympic spirit, which requires mutual understanding with a spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play.” –Olympic Charter (lifted from Google)

You see,

what it comes down to,

is,

the personal is political,

for me,

it’s personal,

I am Gay,

and,

I am doing this in solidarity,

for my Gay Russian brothers and sisters,

because they are being,

not only,

oppressed,

but,

persecuted,

brutalised,

and this is my way,

of saying,

it’s wrong.

Have there been,

Human rights issues,

at other,

if not,

all,

Olympic games?

Damn right,

there have been.

Will there be again?

Undoubtedly.

But for me,

a proud butch gay woman,

these are more than I can handle.

The thing is,

I believe,

in accepting all peoples,

not tolerance,

to me tolerance,

is like those people who,

in their mealy mouthed way,

say,

Hate the sin love the sinner.

I am no sinner,

I am a good,

law abiding,

tax paying citizen,

I reserve the right to critique,

my government,

in fact I consider,

it,

a duty of citizenship to do so.

Another thing, I won’t hide behind, this I didn’t choose to be Gay thing. Being gay hasn’t been proven,to be genetic, and I for one, hope it never is, goes the way of it’s not my ‘fault’ as if ‘fault’ there was, nope not fault, choice to be true to yourself and to live your life as much on your own terms as possible

So yeah,

the personal is indeed, political.

Later girls,

BB

Mornin’ girls,

hope you are all,

doing well,

or at least hangin’ in.

My ole ass is beyond draggin’,

right now.

I am tired from,

my training schedule,

and,

tired from my training,

pretty much,

always,

tired and crippled with,

self doubt,

I fight my way through it,

some days,

more successfully,

than others,

good thing,

I have good friends,

and,

my mom,

and,

my woman of all my dreams,

listening, encouraging, holding me up,

it takes a village

🙂

Speaking of village,

my bar,

in the gay village has closed

(:-

this is upsetting,

I know,

it’s just a bar,

but,

I always saw it as my bar.

Obviously,

occasional patrons,

like myself,

can’t keep a bar,

open,

you gotta make a profit,

and,

overhead on bars,

is astronomical,

buisness is tough,

I know it is.

Losing,

‘your bar’ creates,

somewhat of a vacuum,

in your life,

where do you meet people for a beer,

what happens to all those,

memories

sigh

In this bar,

I felt I could be as butch,

as I wanted to be,

no one ever called me,

‘Sir’ or “monsieur’

I could sip a beer,

in peace,

knowing how far,

the bathroom,

was.

I’ve had dates,

and,

heart to hearts there.

The first time I ever met,

my girl,

in person,

was in that bar,

nervous,

and,

excited,

but,

comforted by a pint,

and,

familiar,

surroundings,

when she came up,

behind me,

I wasn’t self conscious,

of taking her in my arms,

the bar was a place,

safe from appraising,

and,

possibly,

judgmental eyes.

My bar,

the hockey game on,

with the volume turned down,

the peace of a Sunday or Monday,

I never go out to a bar, on a Friday or Saturday, unless it’s a special occasion, too many people

I will miss my bar,

I understand the factors,

that forced it’s closure,

but,

I will miss it,

RIP Le Drugstore

Later girls,

BB

I had to delete this post,

the pictures,

I had copied,

on to,

the post,

were not,

showing up,

and,

they are pictures,

I took,

go figure!

Anyway,

trying this a second time,

it might have something,

to do with the new,

theme I am using,

fingers crossed:-)

On Saturday,

I had a wonderful time,

at the Pride community day,

with my friend,

Francoys the anarchist.

It was a gorgeous,

sunny day,

and,

the street was full,

of queers,

of every age,

shape and size.

People my age,

older,

younger,

tourists,

locals,

all kinds of people,

a few drag queens,

but,

not just drag queens,

don’t get me wrong, I love drag queens, but, I enjoy seeing and being a part of the entire rainbow spectrum.

There was a dyke march,

only the second year,

so it’s still quite,

small,

but,

it’s growing

For the past three years,

I think,

it’s three years,

the street has been closed,

to car circulation,

and,

this lovely canopy,

of pink balls,

hangs over the street,

creates a pretty hue,

and,

shadows in the sunlight,

it’s quite amazing.

Community day,

is about resources and networking,

but,

it’s also about,

sports and cultural activities.

We watched a performance,

by,

a lesbian choir,

they were great,

fine looking bunch of dykes,

We had lunch,

on a terrace,

and,

watched the boys put on,

an aerobic display,

note the shadows

It was a great time.

Nice to get out there,

and,

be a member of the community

🙂

Happy Pride.

Later girls,

BB

Today is May 2 ND 2013,

and,

it is,

the first day of my vacation.

Everything is done,

the post bookstore era,

begins.

Wow,

kind of scary,

when I put it that way.

What will the future,

hold?

what will the future,

bring?

Not a clue

🙂

But, right now,

I’m on vacation,

haven’t had one of those in,

so many years.

No plans, no real demands,

on my time,

‘me time’,

yep quite the novel concept.

I have some social plans,

tomorrow,

afternoon beer,

with a friend,

dinner with my favourite,

anarchist,

and,

next week,

off to TO,

to spend time,

with some dear friends,

but,

aside from that,

nothin’

weird,

I will need to ease into it,

savour and tame it.

I don’t remember how to be,

on vacation,

you all think it’s like riding a bike?

Enjoy the sun,

the Spring.

Later girls,

BB

***Habs play Ottawa tonight, Go Habs Go***

It’s hot.

I just put my down jacket,

away this week,

but,

tonight,

all the windows are open,

and,

we watched hockey,

in Summer attire.

Yes,

girls,

it’s that time of year,

once again,

May,

and,

NHL Playoffs!!!!

My team starts tomorrow,

they play the Ottawa Senators,

I hate the Senators,

I don’t care that they are,

a Canadian team.

I’m not a ‘homer’,

I am a rabid Montreal Canadiens fan,

but,

if and when they are eliminated,

I will root for Chicago.

I love the Hawks.

I love hockey,

and,

The Blackhawks play,

a superior brand of hockey.

The Senators,

are a good team,

a talented team,

but,

above all,

they are a ‘chippy’ team,

and,

diving whiners.

Did I mention I hated the Senators?:-)

One team only I dislike more,

the Flyers,

but,

they didn’t make,

the playoffs,

this year.

I like my Habs’ chances,

but,

it will be tough,

I’m thinking 6 or 7 games.

I’m proud of our team,

they beat the odds to be there.

So, it’s Spring and it’s hot,

and,

the bookstore,

is closed and empty-

time for HOCKEY

🙂

Later girls,

BB