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Today is Sunday,

usually on Sunday,

I go to church,

I have,

for the last four years.

I miss Sunday service,

only when I have no choice,

if,

I am sick, mom is sick,

never because,

I don’t feel like it,

I’m too tired,

the thing is-

I love going to church.

I love meeting,

with my faith community,

I love the hymns, the prayers,

the creeds, the peace,

I love having tea, or coffee,

and cookies, bagels, fruits, sandwiches,

I don’t care which,

I like the camaraderie,

the catching up,

I love the fact,

that we care,

about each other,

about our community,

about the world.

I can pray on my own,

I can read my bible,

I can do morning prayer,

and I do,

but, being part of a community,

is an important part.

of being a Christian,

as humans,

we need contact,

community.

I watched a service,

live streamed from Washington DC,

it was lovely.

I just listened to,

Choral Evensong,

from Christ Church Cathedral,

right downtown,

here in my beautiful ugly.

I visit the cathedral,

regularly.

In the next little while,

we need to protect,

our loved ones,

protect the vulnerable,

so church,

even… church.

is closed,

we will experiment,

find new ways to reach out,

call people, text people,

use zoom and any and all tools,

at our disposal.

Be kind to each, pray for each other,

and follow all the advice of public health officials,

these are dangerous times my friends,

lets help each other through it.

Be well, dear ones.

Later, girls,

BB

Hello everyone, hope all is well.

It’s been a weird few days.

In the last two days,

the governments,

both provincial and municipal,

here in my beautiful ugly,

have taken important measures,

in order to protect the population,

from the Coronavirus(covid-19).

Some people are taking this lightly,

but most are not,

some people are overacting,

hoarding hand sanitizer and toilet paper,

but, that isn’t the majority,

not that there was any hand sanitizer to be found here in th ‘hood, but, it’s ok.

I have made provisons,

prescriptions and staple foods,

rice, pasta, canned tomatoes,

potatoes and sweet potatoes.

I will be making a large crock pot,

of soup and freezing some in case,

either of us gets sick ,

and shopping and cooking,

become complicated.

I will not be taking,

public transportation,

or attending events,

for the next two weeks,

and then we can reevaluate.

I am not really at risk, I am healthy,

I don’t travel etc, but,

my mom will be eighty,

in a few months,

and I cannot put her at risk.

Church has been cancelled,

and lots of activities that I partake in,

also.

I have a ton of books to read,

on Libby my app,

on my Kobo and,

real paper books.

I will read :

Annie Dillard-Pilgrim at Tinker Creek,

The Warden-Anthony Trolloppe,

The Bookshop-Penelope Fitzgerald,

An Open Book-Micheal Dirda,

Searching For Sunday-Rachel Held Evans,

that is to start,

stay home if you can,

and if you can’t,

stay home as much,

as possible.

Be well my friends,

read, rest, watch tv,

but please, be prudent,

think of those,

more vulnerable than you,

the very young,

the old,

those who have,

delicate health,

please don’t hoard and,

help each other,

we can get through this.

later girls,

BB

• 

Good afternoon my friends.

Hope all is well,

in,

your little piece of the world.

Here, Spring has sprung,

and not a second too soon.

We might still get cold weather,

flurries even,

but once you have had,

a day or two over 15 degrees,

that’s Celsius for my Americans,

the end is foretold.

So all week,

I have been listening to tunes,

making my playlists,

revisiting old favourites,

music has really helped,

center me,

and I need centering.

Since the beginning of confinement,

I have had issues with concentration,

trouble reading,

trouble focusing,

it hasn’t been conducive,

to creation,

to writing.

In the last few weeks,

maybe three,

maybe two,

things have shifted.

I have embraced the,

buzz cut,

I have taken to singing,

while doing the dishes,

dancing in the kitchen,

in the afternoon,

I have walked twice a day,

mostly alone,

exploring different parts,

of my neighborhood.

I have felt Spring,

in my hair,

in my nostrils,

I have come, alive,

again.

I have reacquainted myself,

with my blog.

Seeing it through,

someone else’s eyes,

has brought me back,

to my voice.

My voice,

is not universal,

it is mine.

I need to write,

my voice,

my truth,

and when I do,

it’s good, it’s better.

Watching an old James Taylor,

interview today,

his analysis,

about the highly personal nature of his work,

it being about him, his life,

his experience.

It helped.

In the last year,

I had considered,

stopping my blog,

it had changed it wasn’t,

the same.

In the same way,

I have changed,

I am not the same,

butch,

who started this blog,

ten years ago,

but, you know,

I liked her,

and then for a while,

I lost her,

and now well…

she’s back,

older and having experienced,

more pain,

but, also,

yearning,

joy and discovery,

faith and love,

all of me,

is back,

with my scars and my faith,

my weirdness and my fun,

my past ,

my future.

Thanks for being here,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Good morning all,

I hope all is well with all of you.

My bff mentioned yesterday,

in one of our,

back and forth text conversations,

that it was,

Blue Monday.

I confess, I had no idea what Blue Monday was,

so I asked her,

is it a day to wear blue to the office?

Because if that’s the case I have got a ton of blue days, this butch loves her blue, you all, it is by far, my favourite colour

No, says the bff, it is apparently the saddest day of the year,

hmm, ok, I get it,

it’s Monday, it’s mid January,

post holiday excitement etc etc,

still I don’t get how one day,

becomes the saddest day of the year.

Please don’t think,

I am making light of melancoly,

of sadness,

of , much more seriously,

SAD(seasonal affective disorder)

or of depression,

because I take these things very seriously,

and I think we all need to.

What I find odd is assigning it a day,

and giving it a cutesy hashtaggy sort of name.

It’s smacks of marketing, it smacks of consumerism,

it’s smacks of a way to make a buck,

must be a way because that is foremost in so many minds

Because I think sadness, SAD, depression,

and,

I would add loneliness and lack of belonging,

are epidemic in our societies,

and I don’t think,

cute names, hashtags and designated days,

will fix that,

but, and this is a big BUT..

Maybe it can start to help,

start to sensitize people,

wake people up,

stop judging each other,

start caring about each other,

if you don’t understand something,

does that mean you should judge it?

condemn it?

It does not,

walk a mile in another’s shoes,

it will bring a whole new perspective,

and possibly painful bunions and heel spurs.

The world needs more joy, more community,

more friendship and more love.

What it doesn’t need is people judging each other,

ranting at each other,

we need to talk, we need to disagree,

we need to not lose our shit on each other,

we need to breathe.

Last year I read this book,

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F****,

it frustrated me, lots, the style was at times,

unbearably bad, it was major hashtaggy,

and in your face, but buried in there,

amongst the four letter words and acronyms,

was wisdom, lots of wisdom.

One of the wisest things in there,

was about how people are no longer allowed,

to have hobbies, they have to be sidehustles,

people always need to be doing something productive,

which is synonymous in our society with moneyable,

you have to brand yourself etc,

often when I read branding yourself I imagine a red hot branding iron heading right for my naked butt cheek, yikes.

What’s wrong with drawing for fun,

baking to makes others happy,

kniting things for people as tokens and expressions of love?

Not only is there nothing wrong with that,

it’s wondeful!!

At Christmas, I received, home baked goods,

from friends, from church family,

I received hand knit neck protectors and mittens,

acts of love, that’s what breaks loneliness and isolation.

SAD I believe mostly requires sun and vitamin D,

and depresssion needs clinical,

medical, pharmaceutical, help,

and patience and love with ourselves and others.

I am not overly fond of hashtags,

and catch phrases, like the latest:

self-care.

But, I do believe in love yourself and love your neighbour as yourself.

But, most of all I believe in being patient with others and yourself,

and not beating yourself up if you fail,

next time try again,

and you will fail, at patience, at all of it.

These have been the,

Meanderings of a January mind.

Be well you all,

Later girls,

BB

Now that all the holiday get togethers and celebrations are over,

(hope they were all you wanted or needed),

we return to the bleak mid Winter,

so bleak and grey(well today, anyway)

This week is back to regular scheduled things,

my Wednesday evening class etc.

I started something last year,

I started keeping a journal,

it is not super literary, organized or exciting,

it is a record of my days, what I did, who I saw,

cooking, laundry, errands, what I am reading,

who I met for coffee, everyday stuff,

it is not full of my aspirations,

my dreams or my tensions and frustrations,

I try not to let pessimism enter into the quotidien of my journal.

But, I admit, I have been feeling pessimistic of late,

the state of the world: war, famine, Australia burning,

modern slavery, greed beyond measure,

it is disheartening.

But, mostly, I feel a lack of belonging.

Please dont misunderstand,

I am not reaching out for new friends,

I have friends,

they are wonderful and supportive.

I feel sad, I feel a lack of purpose,

I know its silly,

I have a family, I have friends, I have a cat

I have a church community, I have faith and prayer,

and yet, for all that these things, people, bring to my life,

I am still inhabited by a lack of belonging, purpose.

The reason I am writing this is because,

I feel I must not be,

the only one.

So, 2020, is about pulling back from the emptyness of social media,

mainstream media in general and reading more,

my class keeps me reading scripture and varied commentaries,

my fiction and non-fiction reading I want to be about learning,

about me, about the world, about history, about God….

I started this blog more than 10 years ago,

it was about what I read and saw and thought,

about culture, the world, politics, even,

it has changed, I have changed, it followed,

my journey, my losses, my wins,

through faith, and health scares,

and so much more.

I have left it by the wayside for a while,

because, I thought I had nothing to say,

but, as my dear mother so wisely pointed out to me,

a few months ago,

I have plenty to say, I was just censoring,

what I had to say,

some of which was because,

because,

I hurt too much to say certain things,

but, you cant get to truth if you dont state it,

if you dont face it,

the truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off,

As the great Gloria Steinem said.

So,

here is to a year of truth and purpose and belonging.

I had forgotten,

how much this blog helps to texture my thoughts.

Happy New Year, Peeps!

Later girls,

BB

• 

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan, 
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; 
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, 
in the bleak midwinter, long ago. traditional hymn based on a poem by Christina Rosetti

This time of year is most difficult for me,

from November to Christmas.

It is bleak, dark, cold, all is shades of grey,

I am grey.

I get more cheerful at Christmas and,

feel a surge of optimism as,

the New Year approaches.

Fact is: I dislike Winter and when I am unhappy,

I am most unhappy in Winter.

I can hear the pro Winter types now,

you need to embrace Winter,

you need to get outside,

get sporty,

whatever.

I have this to say: you like Winter?

I am happy for you.

I have lived in a Winter,

snowy, slushy, black ice,

cold, very cold, f****** cold, city ,

my whole life,

I think I know a thing or two,

about Winter,

and you know…I don’t like it.

I think snow is pretty,

I have a warm coat and boots,

but, I don’t like it,

I bear it and,

I dream of escaping it,

every Winter,

yup, truth.

I will bear it another Winter,

but, this new decade,

this I am excited and optimistic about.

It’s been a rough year, exhausting, physically and emotionally,

and for all of you who have been there with me, with us,

thank you.

I need to do something different,

I am happy with the class I am taking,

I am happy about things I have done,

this past year,

Alpha at my new church,

working for elections canada,

helping out with the Charter Poets,

staying home with mom,

helping her recover,

but, she is recovered and now,

I have to get going.

I had hoped to work with my church,

but, I don’t think that will be,

I will continue to volunteer,

and be a member of the community,

but, I need a paying job,

one that is flexible,

that allows time to take mom,

to doctors appointments etc.

It needs to be part time,

it needs to produce decent income.

I may need to make my own job,

who knows.

A few years ago, around my fifties,

I learned to say-No.

I have let that slip in the last few years,

I have made compromises,

that I thought were necessary,

I had no choice!

That isn’t true,

we always have choices,

we need to choose ways,

that don’t make us sick,

that don’t leave our stomach,

in constant knots.

We need to choose our truth,

love and friendship,

not close enough facsimiles.

We need to live our lives,

our lives,

not what others or society,

think our lives should be.

We need to listen to the deep yearnings,

of our hearts, our souls,

we need to believe in ourselves,

in what we are called to do,

even if we aren’t quite sure,

what that is

🙂

So although it is the bleak midwinter,

and this is a bit of a rant of the same old same old,

from me,

I feel ok, I am moving forward.

Please don’t worry,

but, thank you for caring.

My lordGod, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.Nor do I really know myself …Thomas Merton Lead Me

I figure if Merton, a brilliant, accomplished and Godly man, could be confused, so can I, so can you.

Have a great one,

be well.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone , I wish I could wish you all,

a Happy Spring, but Spring is MIA,

here in the beautiful ugly,

yesterday,

we had freezing rain, snow, and hail,

all within three hours,

oh yeah,

good times.

Ah well,

as my bff says,

it is what it is.

Yup.

I am in a season of my life,

which I hope I will look back on,

and see growth and beauty.

My mom is better all the time,

physically all is back to normal,

of course,

the never ending Winter,

the shock to the system,

the brush with mortality,

…

it’s hard for her,

it’s hard for me,

it’s hard for us,

we will get through it,

emerge from the tunnel,

to green fields and daffodils,

of Spring.

Simultaneously, I am looking to,

the next path in the winding road,

that is,

career,

life’s work.

At the suggestion of a good friend,

who works in adult ed,

I have started a career counselling process,

it is a program that,

the education ministry of Québec,

offers,

guidance counselling for adults.

I went the first time,

with an open heart, and an open mind,

not really knowing what to expect,

but, trusting my friend,

her professional expertise,

her kind heart.

Yesterday,

was my third appointment,

in three weeks,

and so far,

I have to say, it has been,

wonderful.

It has allowed me to examine,

with a professional,

who doesn’t know me,

all that I have done in my life,

and where it has lead me.

I must say that sharing,

this season of doubt,

has brought much support,

from my entourage.

Advice and opinions.

I know smart and caring people,

they want the best for me,

ultimately,

I must walk my road.

I thought that being in my fifties,

was a bit of a disadvantage in the workforce,

this is what I have heard,

from HR professionals.

I think that is definitely true,

in lots of fields,

but, not so much in the fields,

that interest me.

In community based work,

in some creative fields.

I want to do something that,

makes a difference,

I want to help,

I want to be inspired,

I want to grow and help others to grow.

I want something that,

benefits from my years of experience,

from my acquired knowledge,

I want to do something that lines up,

with my values, my beliefs,

that will bring me joy.

I can no longer take the first thing,

that manifests itself,

because I need a job.

I have faith,

in the process,

in myself,

in the future.

As lent is now in it’s last week,

my prayer, reflection and,

readings,

have both comforted me,

and confused me.

I have turned to the Psalms and Ecclesiastes,

complex, dense reading,

layer upon layer of meaning,

these books help me wrestle,

with my fears, my demons,

trust in me, in my people,

in God.

Help me to understand that :

For everything its season, and for every activity,

under heaven it’s time.

A time to be born, a time to die.

a time to plant, a time to uproot,

a time to kill, a time to heal

Ecclesiastes 3:1-3(the new english bible translation,1972)

Be well my friends,

later girls,

BB