Bookish Butch

The French writer, aviator, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is quoted as saying,

We are of our childhood, as we are of our nation.

I read this recently in a column in a newspaper, it struck me, so true and so simple.

I am a quote junkie, I collect them. I write them in a little black notebook.

For me and now, a little bit, for you.

I believe we really are of our childhood, we learn about love and what it means at a tender age.

Not only the love that we receive but, the example of our parents’ love for one another.

I am lucky in that way,

I come from generations of imperfect people who loved each other imperfectly,

 but, love each other they did.

Quite a legacy.

We learn also to see the world in childhood, in fact many worlds, imagination is also a potent world.

We can be anything, when I was 8 or 9, I wanted to be in movies.

 Later, I wanted to make them,

 later still I wanted to write them.

I haven’t given up on that,  yet

A girl must dream even if she is a middle-aged bookseller   ( All in all a pretty cool job).

The point is I have always believed. I learnt that in my childhood.

I don’t mean to be reductive, we are of many things, childhood is very important but, so are other things.

Friendship, health, education, all of these factors impact our worldview.

The love of a cherished partner is also a major determinant, in our happiness.

I love the phrase, the love of a good woman.

I know it is slightly old-fashioned and perhaps a tad paternalistic, originally.

I don’t see it that way, I long to be some one’s good woman loving and to have it reciprocated.

Just a few random thoughts I wanted to share with you.

Later girls (or guys, I don’t discriminate)

BB

I could have called this post, sex and the single butch,

 or love and the single butch

but, this single butch seeks romance, above else.

Ah, romance, the courting and ultimate seduction of a woman, it’s what makes life worth living.

The problem is  I have not been very successful at it for years.

When I was young I was something of a stud.

It was about swagger and bravado.

Of course, it was all an act, who knows anything at that age.

But, since I got top marks in high school drama class, I was believable.

I managed to convince a few women that I had more experience and was more worldly than I really was.

It was great, I learned so much, and a truly good time was had by all.

I was goal oriented, I wanted to learn how to please a woman.

My studly life was over when I met a special woman, who I loved.

We were happy for many years, and then, unhappy for many years.

I wasn’t a very good partner, but, I was and am her friend.

I am grateful to her, for her patience and friendship.

I lived with guilt and hurt for many years and aside from a few meaningless sexual encounters,

I lived without love in a romantic sense.

I was in a coma.

A few years ago I fell madly in love, I really thought she was the one,

she wasn’t,

 she broke my heart.

I don’t think she meant to, we just weren’t on the same page.

She was wrong for me, she wasn’t even a reader,

 can you imagine?

Anyway, to say I am gun shy and confused would be an understatement.

Does the possibility of romance still exist  for a middle aged bookish butch?

The world is more open to sexual minorities than it ever has been.

People  identify themselves with greater ease  as gay, bisexual, whatever.

Sexual encounters are always possible.

But, true connection body, heart, soul and mind?

Flowers and poetry is it possible still?

Followed by  love, not perfection, love.

I hope and believe  it is,

 and this butch in spite of numerous bruises and strike outs,

remains optimistic.

Tell me girls,

 do you?

Am I crazy and naive?

Thanks for reading this and sharing my thoughts and ramblings.

Later guys, next time

Books, Books, Books.

BB