Category: My Ramblings

Who I am and what I think about life, love and the world we live in.

Lyrics and warmth

Le ciel tisse une couverture en laine
L’été prépare ses quartiers d’hiver

Charles Aznavour- Je te Rechaufferais

(the sky weaves a woolen blanket,

summer prepares it’s winter quarters)

I will warm you (the translation is mine, but, I think you get the image)

It is a glorious morning.

The sky is blue the air is crisp and I slept very well.

To an insomniac, weather obsessed Canadian,

this is a very good thing.

I have been reading many book blogs, lately,

 and I find that mine is very different from most.

I haven’t decided if that is a good thing,

yet.

I am impressed by the amount of work some people put into their blogs.

I think mine is more a stream of consciousness , kind of a thing.

I guess it’s about what’s on my mind.

So, maybe it isn’t really a book blog?

More personal, less literary.

Things take on a life of their own.

I guess I’ll just follow. 

I have been listening to music this morning,

the apartment is quiet.

I had tentative plans that fell through, no big deal.

I think I needed the peace and quiet.

I was listening to an old Aznavour CD ,

I was actually going to say record.

I remember listening to him as a child on vinyl,

 and later as a lovesick teenager on cassette.

Vinyls were special,

 the big sleeves with liner notes,

the putting down of the needle on the record,

gently,

and sitting there and listening.

When I was  young we listened to a lot of music in my house.

With my dad, it was Jazz and Classical and Rock.

With my mom, it was Québécois music and la chanson Francaise.

I learned to really love language, through lyrics.

Guys like Aznavour and Brel were giants.

In English, it was Dylan and Kristofferson who I always taught were the great wordsmiths.

Books taught me to love stories, songs taught me to love words.

So, as summer prepares it’s winter quarters.

I wish for you all,

 many good books,

beautiful music (with or without lyrics, your call)

and someone to warm and who warms you.

Later girls

BB

Gray all around

I have had a crap week.

The sky is gray and rain is imminent, but,

the weather doesn’t have much to do with it.

Customers? Very few and pretty much all weird.

There have been upheavals in the friendship realm,

but,

things are back to normal.

I hope.

Friendship is one of life’s greatest rewards,

also,

 one of life’s great challenges.

On Sunday, I am going to The Lantern Festival at the botanical garden.

A little beauty in good company, sounds nice.

I’m stil reading the Carver, it’s a large collection.

I think it’s great but, I’m going to read something a litttle lighter this weekend.

A friend of mine gave me a copy of Kate Allen’s Takes One To Know One.

A lesbian mystery, yep I need that.

The last lesbian mytery I read was Veritas by Anne Laughlin.

I reviewed it at kissedbyvenus.ca  back in june.

You should check out the site (in links) and the book.

Both are excellent.

On Saturday after work I’m going to see Eat,Pray,Love.

I hated the thirty pages or so of the book that I read.

But, Julia Roberts. I’m there.

My soul, eyes and heart need comforting hopefully that will do the trick.

Well, I don’t have much to say.

Later girls

BB

The cleansing Fall wind

I love the fall.

Getting out my warm sweaters,

 looking forward to wearing the old suede jacket.

Walking in the city on a Monday afternoon with the wind blowing through my hair.

When I walk in the fall and the wind is blowing,

 I practically feel the airing of my brain.

You know how you air out a room with the windy fresh air?

That’s how I feel walking in the fall.

I made a new friend recently,

 and she,

 like me,

 enjoys a walk by the river.

Montreal is on the St-Lawrence and the neighborhood where I live,

 in spite of it’s many negatives,

is bordered by the river.

At night in the fall ,

you can walk without too much traffic and it’s pretty well lit.

We are still getting to know each other, so,

we still talk, constantly.

We’re both talkers,

 and we haven’t gotten to the point of comfortable silence,

yet.

We will.

I’m having a lot of trouble reading anything right now.

I can’t concentrate except for short stories.

Of course, a major drought for me is three or four days,

so obviously it won’t last.

I’m still reading the Raymond Carver,

 I like it,

 it’s about ordinary people doing ordinary things.

Little sketches of people’s lives.

Damn good.

I realise, I’m not making it sound so interesting but, it is.

If you are fascinated by humans and human nature in all it’s forms,

 it’s for you.

People living their lives for better, for worse.

Going to work, raising children, smoking dope, cheating on their mates.

Everyday stuff,

good/bad, lovely/ugly

and everything in between.

No rich people, no bourgeois’.

Working class and the idle poor.

Terrific.

The edition I am reading is,

 The Library Of America’s Carver Collected Stories.

I love The Library Of America,

 their editions are authoritative and they are reasonably priced.

The size and weight is just right to read and lug around.

Their mission, to keep all important American writing in print, is admirable.

Their non-profit status, even better.

I own a few and would like to own a few more.

When I take them out of the library,

I know I get an authoritative sample of an author’s work.

Well, that’s it for now.

Later girls

BB

Kindness, more important than looks?

Cloudy and gray,

just in case you wanted to know.

Quiet Sunday ahead.

Food shopping, a visit to the green market and a walk by the river with a new friend.

I had a busy week,

 people were strange, preoccupied and not quite on.

Next week is bound to be different.

I hope.

I have been reading , writing and sleeping sporadically all week.

I had a major discussion the other day in the bookstore.

Ever feel like you are a Martian when you hear people speak on some subjects?

One of my friends, she knows who she is,

 would say being a Martian is a good thing,

Stranger In A Strange Land  and all, but,

sometimes it’s lonely as well.

Anyway, the discussion,

The topic was finding a potential mate, lover, whatever, via Internet dating services.

One of the girls was saying,

 that it’s really hard to find someone with whom you connect

on an intellectual basis.

I replied, of course it is your basing everything on a picture and a paragraph description.

Physical attraction rarely indicates intellectual and emotional compatibility.

At least that’s what I think.

This other woman who was in the bookstore said  that to her,

physical attractiveness was everything.

If she doesn’t find a man attractive and envisions sleeping with him in the near future,

there is no possible relationship.

I said but, that’s just physical,

 how do you know if he’s funny or smart or kind.

This woman says that physical tells you about lifestyle and compatibility.

So, here’s where I feel like a Martian,

 to me physical attraction grows with how

smart, interesting and kind a person is.

 Obviously, there can be no repugnance factor, but,

really it grows. 

A friend says that’s why I never get laid,

I have to know someone for months, sometimes years.

Honestly, I think my method is  flawed,

I have built relationships that I felt were

destined to work and they haven’t ,

so maybe the physical thing is most important.

But, I don’t think so.

What do you guys think?

Henry James a writer who I’m not really fond of, had a great quote:

“There are 3 things in life that are important;

the 1st is to be kind, the 2nd is to be kind

and the 3rd is to be kind”

Sex is an important, almost essential, part of life but,

 someone who makes you think, laugh,

who never bores you and,

 who is kind to children, old people and animals,

 that’s what I’m looking for.

I’ll keep plugging away.

Thanks for putting up with my midlife crisis ramblings.

Later girls

BB

On openess and finding truth

The sky is blue and so am I.

OK, more pensive than blue.

But, I had to get the weather in there somehow.

I have been reading both James Agee and Raymond Carver.

Fabulously realistic, sensitive writers.

Very male and with a phenomenal ear for how people speak.

Also, the insight into the quiet or sometimes raging desperation of peoples’ lives.

You read this stuff and you think

“how could I write anything this good, this powerful, this real?”

The answer is,

 I probably can’t but,

 we can all write our truth.

The problem is knowing your truth.

I have told you all about what I have dubbed,

 The Summer Of Hell.

It hasn’t been The Summer of Hell because anything really bad happened.

No one died and no tragedy of any other kind took place.

But, I have been sad, enraged and hurt most of the Summer.

I’m hoping to snap out of it.

But, I don’t think it’s a snap type of a situation.

I’m lonely.

Not for intelligent conversation or laughter,

 not for warmth and friendship.

I’m lonely for a woman’s arms.

I want to lay my head on a shoulder,

I want to feel the weight of a woman’s head on my chest.

I want to watch TV with my head on her lap.

I want to wrap my arms around her waist as she stirs her sauce or pours her tea.

Push her hair back and kiss her neck.

It isn’t about sex,

well maybe a little,

but, it’s mostly about love.

I am blessed in my life,

I’m being redundant,

those of you who read this blog, know,

I have oodles to be grateful for, and I am.

I just want a love to call my own,

 and someone who gets me and whom I get.

My friends get me. My mom and family get me.

They sometimes think  I’m weird, neurotic and crazy, but,

they get me.

Now, I want someone who gets me and,

 regularly feels like ripping my clothes off.

Just, not, my new L.L.Bean chambray shirts.

It’s a brave new world my friends.

Filled with more open mindedness about sexuality,

at least I think it is.

But, you know it’s not a gay, straight, bisexual kind of thing.

A lot of people are lonely, this I know, I see it.

But, many of us have trouble connecting on that level.

Maybe, it’s a trust issue, maybe there is a need to expand our horizons.

Maybe, I’m wrong and it really is just me.

For years, I had never even considered bisexuals as a possible possibility.

But, you’ve got to grow.

Men are my friends,

they are beautiful and strong and shoot from the hip.

Some of them are aesthetic marvels,

Cathedrals or Davids.

But, women possess me,

 heart and soul,

 it’s how I’m wired.

Women are it for me.

But, for other people both men and women work.

Actually, us one hundred percent gay and the one hundred percent straights,

seem to be in a minority.

Like I said brave new world.

It wasn’t about being closed to bisexuals it was about not really seeing,

so,

 blindness.

 The Summer Of Hell and finding my truth are about this.

I have been missing love in my life and I have been missing truth

and I am going to find them,

what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,

so,

bring it on.

Later girls

BB

Survived the sale and enjoying the cool.

Well it is done, the sidewalk sale is over.

Hallelujah!

All in all it was OK, can’t complain.

Helped me to renew with many nice people, which is great.

The weather?

Well, we went from wilting to…

it’s a little bit cold and I’m happy about it.

Air and wind good stuff.

Up here in Montreal we didn’t see too much of Earl.

Sympathies to those who did.

The air is starting to feel like HOCKEY.

I should be visiting some friends in Toronto at the beginning of October.

I am going to take the opportunity to visit The Hockey Hall Of Fame.

Can’t wait it’s a little dream of mine.

Part of my life list.

Any of you girls have a life list?

Today, I’m going to take it easy and go for an early dinner with my friend Sylvain.

Tomorrow? Who knows, but I plan on reading I haven’t finished a book in a few days.

Which feels like a long time.

Reading is my joy and my solace, it gives me strength and pleasure.

I don’t know if that sounds silly or dumb, but, it’s almost as important as my friends.

Well girls that’s it for now.

My love life is still crap.

But, at least it’s cool and I can sleep and read.

Later girls

BB

Busy week ahead

It’s hot.

Enough said.

This week is the dreaded sidewalk sale on the street where my Bookstore is situated.

We have two a year, I hate them, exhausting, much ado about nothing.

I imagine I won’t have much time to read or post on the blog.

I’m still reading My Life As A Man by Philip Roth.

It’s well written and compelling but, I don’t know, it’s doesn’t really speak to me.

I’m looking forward to the Fall.

I have always loved the fall.

I get nostalgic for a return to school.

The smell of books and newly sharpened pencils.

New corduroy pants, shiny sneakers that you want to smudge so they don’t look,

 too new.

I no longuer wear corduroy pants or sneakers.

Jeans and Blundstones for me but, still,

nice memories.

To me, fall is a time for settling down and getting comfortable.

Long walks in the brisk air.

The wind wiping away the crap from your mind.

I don’t think it will be that kind of fall.

More like upheavals and change.

Change is good.

Right?

I’m working on the novel.

I really want to do it.

You all have a good week

Later girls

BB

On the merits of slow

First the weather,

 it is perfect.

 Clear blue sky, cool breeze.

Sleep is once again possible,

let’s hope it lasts.

Next, hockey season is right around the corner,

 I can’t wait.

Yeh.

I haven’t been reading much lately.

Well, actually I haven’t been reading much I can talk about.

A friend asked me to read her novel, which I did.

It’s good. I’ll tell you all about it,

 once it’s published.

If, she wants me to.

I’m still working on the Philip Roth.

I find myself impressed by the language.

With me, that is not the best of signs.

I like to get lost in the plot, in the characters.

To be fair I’m only about fifty pages into it.

I’ll let you know.

What I have been thinking about this week,

the merits of slow.

Slow food,

can’t beat those slow roasted chickens,

 or a beautiful stew that has been bubbling for hours.

Slow love,

letting it develop,

learning to appreciate the precious moments.

We’re talking long walks on the beach, here girls.

Reading can be like that as well,

 taking the time,

 not riffling through it like you’re in a hurry.

Years ago,

 I read this article,

 probably in the newspaper,

that said Canadians who are big readers read about fifty books a year.

I said to my ex, I must read about fifty books a year?

To which she harumped and said,

you read way more than fifty books a year.

I started keeping count in a notebook.

It’s usually more like a hundred.

In 2008, I had a big year,

 one hundred and forty three,

 that’s a lot.

But, you know what?

 I read a lot of crap that year.

Don’t get me wrong,

 I like thrillers and mysteries,

well mostly mysteries.

Some of them are very good,

 and those are the ones I read,

now.

I seemed, that year, to be consuming them more than reading them.

It was like scoffing down Big Macs or having multiple quickies.

I like a Big Mac, twice a year,

 and I have no problems with quickies.

Filling the void, scratching the itch.

But, I prefer slow roasted chicken and long love making sessions.

I have been reading slower lately, and I like it better.

Letting the story wash over you.

Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know that I have been having

a quasi mid-life crisis.

No shit, Sherlock!

You get to be forty-five or so,

You start asking yourself , Is this what I want with my life?

Am I ever gonna get  me some Love of a good woman?

In other words you panic.

It’s as if I woke up,

 and all of a sudden,

 wanted to get all the things I crave.

Now.

Well, I’m going back to my appreciation of slow.

Not coma or inertia,  just slow.

What’s my hurry, it will come.

He Also Serves Those Who Sit And Wait,

I believe that is Milton,

 and I think I am going to live by those words for a while.

Later girls

Be good

BB

 

Curve ball, shmurveball

The weather is back to the way I like it,

 cool and breezy.

Admit it’s been a while since I mentioned the weather.

This summer has been way up there,

 on the learning curve of life.

Funny, you live forty-five years,

 you think you know a thing or two.

Who you are,

what your reactions to things are.

You expected life to send you,

 a fastball right down the middle and into your glove.

Instead,

 you get a series of curve balls,

some of which hit you in the face.

You question yourself,

your motives,

your vision of life and love.

Your vision of yourself, which you thought was just fine,

is now clouded by a black eye.

Black eyes heal, you just look strange for a while.

Self-conscious and a little bit embarrassed.

But, with embarassement and pain,

comes some clarity,

 hopefully.

This has been a year and especially a summer of epiphanies and scares.

The prospect for the fall and into next year,

is better.

I think.

I’m gonna reach for my dreams and get me some love.

I’ve always wanted to write a novel.

I’m working on it,

it’s hard,

I need that,

flex the muscles.

The women are on notice.

I’m back.

I hope.

Later girls

BB