As Joni would sing,

It’s coming on Christmas…

It’s dark and grey and rainy,

here in the beautiful ugly.

I am having problems focusing,

lately,

I am all over the place,

starting books,

putting them down,

starting projects,

putting them down,

coasting,

that is how my girlfriend put it.

I believe that is an accurate,

evaluation.

I seem to have misplaced my,

mojo.

I don’t think it’s lost:-)

But,

sometimes I misplace things for years,

case in point: a pair of Ray Ban Club Masters that just turned up in a bag at the back of my closet, that mom was preparing to give away, she mistakenly thought it was hers. Been looking for those sunglasses for years, thought I had lost them.

Things infuriate me,

I have triggers,

I am touchy and feel hard done by.

I blame not getting work done,

on inadequate tools,

but, the fact is,

I have become,

unadventurous,

careful,

I coast because it is easier,

than putting myself out there,

challenging myself,

to do more,

to take risks.

I have all kinds of good reasons,

no money,

no time,

I’m too old for that…

on and on,

and,

bla bla bla.

Truth is,

I have been inhabited by deep sadness,

since I lost my friend,

the anarchist,

it’s as if a piece of me,

had been torn out,

leaving me,

alive and,

in no real physical peril,

but,

maimed and weary.

His untimely death,

coming a year after,

the closure of my bookstore,

left me sad and hurt,

and,

inhabited by this deep sense,

of,

life is so  fuckin’ unfair…

it also left me,

with this sense,

of,

life is short,

get out there and live it.

I miss talking to someone,

who never judged me,

totally understood me,

never told me what to do,

my sounding board,

my mountain of knowledge and sheer joy for life.

How will I ever get over his loss?

How will I rebuild my confidence,

become the charming me,

again.

I have to find a passion,

again,

I have to rebuild a sense,

of community,

again,

I have to lean on those I love,

have them lean on me.

I have to get my mojo,

Back.

I don’t know what will bring,

my mojo back,

what spark will ignite,

the fire.

For now,

I will work,

read,

lots of reading,

expose myself to more art,

and,

challenge myself,

this I need,

it won’t come from external sources,

my challenges and motivations,

come from within,

always have,

that doesn’t mean I am closed off,

from the stimulation and passion of others…

A suivre.

This is the time of year,

when I look back on,

the lessons of the past year,

and,

look forward,

and make plans for,

the next year.

December is both,

a month of reflection and optimism.

 

I am reading books,

to take me elsewhere,

in time,

geographically.

Che’s Motorcycle Diaries,

highly recommend,

full of passion, youth, fervour,

goes a long way in helping to,

understand,

the man,

the era,

the history,

I have a soft spot for Che,

for the land he comes from,

Argentina.

I have never visited,

aside from books,

but,

I feel attached to it,

somehow.

I am also reading,

First World War poetry,

novels,

I have an interest and affinity,

there as well.

I believe my next great thing,

might have it’s roots there,

in history, in revolution…

again,

a suivre.

Be well,

all of you,

read books,

whatever,

cuddle,

talk to each other.

Later girls,

BB