Belonging

Now that all the holiday get togethers and celebrations are over,

(hope they were all you wanted or needed),

we return to the bleak mid Winter,

so bleak and grey(well today, anyway)

This week is back to regular scheduled things,

my Wednesday evening class etc.

I started something last year,

I started keeping a journal,

it is not super literary, organized or exciting,

it is a record of my days, what I did, who I saw,

cooking, laundry, errands, what I am reading,

who I met for coffee, everyday stuff,

it is not full of my aspirations,

my dreams or my tensions and frustrations,

I try not to let pessimism enter into the quotidien of my journal.

But, I admit, I have been feeling pessimistic of late,

the state of the world: war, famine, Australia burning,

modern slavery, greed beyond measure,

it is disheartening.

But, mostly, I feel a lack of belonging.

Please dont misunderstand,

I am not reaching out for new friends,

I have friends,

they are wonderful and supportive.

I feel sad, I feel a lack of purpose,

I know its silly,

I have a family, I have friends, I have a cat

I have a church community, I have faith and prayer,

and yet, for all that these things, people, bring to my life,

I am still inhabited by a lack of belonging, purpose.

The reason I am writing this is because,

I feel I must not be,

the only one.

So, 2020, is about pulling back from the emptyness of social media,

mainstream media in general and reading more,

my class keeps me reading scripture and varied commentaries,

my fiction and non-fiction reading I want to be about learning,

about me, about the world, about history, about God….

I started this blog more than 10 years ago,

it was about what I read and saw and thought,

about culture, the world, politics, even,

it has changed, I have changed, it followed,

my journey, my losses, my wins,

through faith, and health scares,

and so much more.

I have left it by the wayside for a while,

because, I thought I had nothing to say,

but, as my dear mother so wisely pointed out to me,

a few months ago,

I have plenty to say, I was just censoring,

what I had to say,

some of which was because,

because,

I hurt too much to say certain things,

but, you cant get to truth if you dont state it,

if you dont face it,

the truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off,

As the great Gloria Steinem said.

So,

here is to a year of truth and purpose and belonging.

I had forgotten,

how much this blog helps to texture my thoughts.

Happy New Year, Peeps!

Later girls,

BB