Reflections In The Deep Freeze

Butch in a beanie

Hello everyone.

I hope all is well in your world.

Here in my beautiful ugly,

it is freezing cold,


please consider that when I say freezing cold I speak from a life of living in Montreal, a cold and snowy city

This is Dr Zhivago weather!

I am not working right now,

fingers crossed about that,

so going out in the cold,

needs motivational factors,

I am glad for you health nuts, dog owners and or much more disciplined people than I.

I need reasons to brave the cold,

I need reasons,

like food,

or work,

or seeing my girlfriend,

or a friend needs me,

or I will lose my mind,

if I don’t go out,

that kind of motivation,

and to be clear at -40 all bets are off except food, or a friend needs me

On Thursday around noon time,

we had not quite reached,

extreme cold,

it was actually pleasant,

for February I mean.

I went downtown,

to have lunch with a friend,

to discuss a Bible Study,

we will be co animating,

during Lent.

We will be going through,

the Book Of Ruth,

which is short,


and most of the characters,

are women,

a rarity in the Bible.

We met for lunch,

she treated and then,

I babbled about the Bible Study and she made a video.

It wasn’t Polar Vortex cold,

but, it was/is still Winter,

so I pulled on my beanie,

to me, a beanie is woolen watchcap that wears close to the head, contrary to a tuque which tends to the floppier

And my friend says to me,

You look so Gay, I love it!

That made me laugh,

I know lots of people who wear beanies,

ok, so they tend to be younger, or guys,

she may be right.

She shot the video,

we walked down Ste-Catherine street,

she went to Lululemon ,

and I ducked into Uniqlo,

and then rode the Metro home.

I had errands to run,

before the deep freeze arrived,

I picked up my prescriptions,

and a plant a friend gifted me.

But, on the back burner,

I had some thoughts simmering.

My friend meant that remark,

in a good way,

in a complimentary way,

she is Gay, but even if she hadn’t been,

it would not have been a homophobic remark.

But, forty, thirty, twenty, even ten years ago,

the remark would have freaked me out,

my internalised homophobia,

would have made me freak out.

On Thursday, I thought, lots of women,

wear beanies and dress the way I do, no?

And then I realised, much younger women,

or older Gay women, and mostly butch at that.

Is that because finally at my age,

I don’t really care what people think,

about what I wear,

well, I care that my girlfriend thinks I look cute

and I care not to stand out too much.

But, I love my short buzzed haircut,

my flannel shirts and jeans and boots,

I even own a women’s parka now,

it fits way better,

it’s nice and could never be described as girlie.

I am so glad I have all but lost my,

internalised homophobia,

I credit, the conversations,

on sex and gender.

To be fair,

I always wore ‘masculin’ attire,

but, it stung me when people,

made disparaging remarks,

and I may have taken some comments,

as disparaging when they were,

not really meant that way.

So next time someone says,

“that is so Gay” I will say,

“thanks for noticing!”

Have a great one,

you all.

Later girls,


Author: Bookish Butch

I am a bookish butch in my mid early fifties. I live in Montréal and always have. I used to run a small used bookstore. Reading keeps me sane. My latest jiggie is photography, book project in the works, living the dream

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