Bookish Butch

Hey you all.
hope you are all feeling,
great,
soaking in the sunshine,
the vitamin D,
stockpiling for cooler,
weather.

This year,
has brought me,
a new appreciation of,
Summer,
as you all know from,
reading about,
shorts:-)

I had some disconcerting,
news this week,
the company I work for,
is closing.
Not a very good job, 
but,
it has served me well,
through health issues,
and,
grieving times,
but as of September 20 th,
I will need to have something,
else.
Need to cogitate on that,
see what comes off,
the back burner.
I am not overly worried,
I am more worried about some,
of my colleagues,
who are more vulnerable,
and,
possess less skills and experience.

This weekend, 
is about chillin.
Going to see Absolutely Fabulous,
today with a friend,
and then a burger at bff's place.

Tomorrow is is the Highland Games,
kilts and bagpipes,
ra ra ra bring it on

Enjoy your weekend.
Suck the marrow
Carpe Diem

Later girls,
BB

Last night,
another senseless act of "terror".
I put terror in quotation marks because,
it is an act of terror,
against people, but, it does not appear to be,
politically or religiously motivated.
It is hate motivated.

We live,
in a world,
where lots of people,
have hate in their hearts.
I imagine,
that hate comes from,
different places,
different hurts,
different slights,
different senses,
of,
otherness,
outsiderness.
Ugly, sad, pathetic.

Nice,
is a gorgeous place,
the south of France,
a beautiful country,
rich with history,
culture,
some of the best writers,
filmmakers,
painters,
thinkers,
wine, perfume,
ideas and philosophies,
come from that,
great nation.

It is also,
a nation with a history,
of excluding many,
a history of colonialism,
and violent "reactionism",
all great nations,
small nations,
people,
great and small,
are masses of contradictions.

Events such as these,
bring forth,
blood lust and blood thirst in people.
Families, children,
senselessly slaughtered,
on a day of national celebration,
wtf,
why? what is the world coming to?

We must resist the blood lust,
it will only lead to more,
violence and exclusion,
we must change the world,
talk to each other,
embrace the fact that we all,
want very similar things,
peace, safety, joy, love.

I not only believe this,
I know it.
We change the world and opinions,
one person at a time.

Let us not reach for the fear,
and ugliness,
reach for hope and love.

Is you think that makes me,
a foolish optimist,
I say,
so what?

Have a good day everyone,
love each other,
make love,
not war

Later girls,
BB

Hello girls, 
I really hope,
you are having a dynamite
Summer,
mine has been,
good, so far,
the shorts have helped me,
to cope with the heat,
which quite honestly,
has been tolerable.

Mom is good,
we miss the Dude,
and, look for him,
constantly,
but, we know,
he is in a pain free land,
RIP my little furry friend

I have been working,
hard,
at building a better butch,
for some time.
The last few years,
mostly about the physical.
Sliming down,
eating well, 
giving up cigarettes,
surviving surgery,
all of it,
makes me feel strong.

I am also trying very hard,
to appreciate what I have,
bask in it,
even.
That is harder,
The post menopause,
grumpies,
take over,
sometimes,
I go on tirades,
rants,
even,
like I said,
I try to tone it down,
sometimes my success,
is,
limited.

I am stubborn,
but,
I am not dogmatic,
I grow,
I don't give up,
easily,
making up my mind,
can take forever,
making a new move,
processing grief,
it's all hard,
I am flesh and bone,
I am not Teflon,
nor do I wish to be.

Recently, I cleaned house,
it needed to be done,
it took me forever,
I gave lots of chances,
I justified to myself,
and, others,
being treated,
in a shabby fashion,
by saying, thinking
if I give up on that,
person,
everyone will.
Fact is, sometimes,
people need wake up,
calls,
need to hit the bottom,
before they can push up.

And sometimes in the immortal words of Helen Mirren



Don't let people treat you badly,
don't treat people badly,
but,
don't take shit.
I no longer,
for some bullshit sense,
of peace and civility,
endure,
 patronizing, sexist and homophobic remarks.

I am not quite at,
the fuck off,
stage,
but,
I am getting there.

It's all part of building,
a better butch,
don't you know:-)

Later girls,
BB

Hope this post finds you all,
happy and healthy.

I am sporting a bit of a nasty,
shin burn today.
Yesterday, I went out walking,
in the insane heat, 
at the height of afternoon sun,
with my shorts.
I wore sunscreen but,
by the redness on my right shin,
in the back,
I think I might need practice,
in applying it.
That's ok with me,
shorts are my new thing.

Shorts..who knew??

Climate change has forced me,
to re-examine Summer wear,
body changes and increased,
confidence? Self-awareness?
Have allowed me, 
to take the step to wearing shorts.

I imagine a few of you,
probably, men,
are scratching your heads,
what the bleep is BB 'saying'?
I also feel quite confident,
that some of you, 
I am thinking mostly, women,
are nodding your heads,
totally getting what I am on about.

For years, I thought myself,
too fat and too pale skinned,
to wear shorts,
all of this is ridiculous,
why should any one body type,
have more rights than others, 
ludicrous.
But, just as we internalize,
homophobia, sexism etc,
we internalize body hate.
More insidious than conscious.

I am not sure about this,
but,
I think men are less,
concerned,
with these issues,
but, then again they have,
all the: how a man should act,
shit going on.

My point is,
it's hot, and more and more,
here in my beautiful ugly,
hotter and hotter,
longer and longer,
so shorts are survival.
Melting is hard:-)

I am working on my body,
to be healthier,
and,
I won't lie,
to look better as well,
I am vain, mea culpa
but,
wearing shorts should be an option
for all

I bought five pairs,
four of them are American Eagle,
flex material,
that stuff is genius,
moves with you,
and it doesn't look like,
stretch stuff.

I tell everyone about them,
for me,
for my body type,
for my style preference,
they rock,
I suspect American Eagle,
has a strong butch following,
the jeans, the shorts, the khakis,
the boxers.
I don't like their shirts,
too long and narrow,
and, their t-shirts are ok,
Gap is better for that,
but, the flex material,
I shake my head,
smile and wonder where,
this material has been,
all my life
:-)

So yeah,
fifty one is good,
and,
shorts, who knew??

Stay cool, you all.
Later girls,
BB

Good morning my friends.
I hope you are all,
well,                                                             
healthy and happy.

Happy Father's day.

It is a very hot Sunday,
here,
in the beautiful ugly,
gonna be a scorcher.

I've a had a busy week,
extra hours at work,
developing ideas for,
what might turn out to be,
a new blog or a website,
not quite sure yet,
lots of thinking,
activity.

It's been a week,
since Orlando.
I have been sad and angry,
overtly and,
at the back of my mind,
for a week.

I have read some powerful thoughts,
on these events,
this horror.
Some of it very personal, heartfelt.
I will link to two,
short, that really nail it.

https://margueritequantaine.wordpress.com
by a Face Book friend who's work,
I admire.

And this one by KG MacGregor,
that was shared so many times,
on social media,
it got picked up by,
The Huffington Post
We aren’t afraid of you


So what am I thinking about,
today, on Father's day,
a week after Orlando?

I am still sad and angry.
The senseless taking of life,
planned carnage,
the slaughter.

This was not random,
this is not simply the case,
of a demented individual,
going on a rampage,
a much too common event,
in the U.S.
A wonderful country in many ways,
but, one that allows it's,
government and citizenry to be,
held hostage by the gun lobby.
That is a subject for another time.
The illusion of the right to bear arms,
the fetishization of violence.

Sexism and homophobia are still,
today,
in 2016,
rampant.
They certainly are in religions,
where, according to,
the bible, the koran,
other religious books,
woman are pretty much nothing more,
than babymakers who's subservience to men,
is necessary for harmony and function 
and,
the way things should be.
Gays,
men and women are,
abominations.
Best case scenario,
women are different but equal,
and the sin of being homosexual,
is tolerated.

My whole life,
it left me perplexed,
and, lots of times,
face palming myself,
how can an intelligent,
person,
believe that,
women are inferior,
that the love of,
a man and a woman is,
superior to that,
of two men,
of two women.

How can people who claim
to love God,
in his-her-it's name,
spew hate?

Also, I can tell you,
as a fifty one year old butch woman,
who has been around the block,
a few times.
Homophobia is not,
the exclusive terrain of,
the religious,
the uneducated,
or males.
I have met more than a few,
atheists,
liberals,
university educated,
of the genteel class,
who think,
make that,
know,
that their heterosexual way,
of being and loving is,
superior.
They are much more polite about it,
sometimes,
but, the dismissiveness, the smugness,
is there.

I was raised,
to not think of myself,
as superior or inferior,
to,
anyone.
This was unspoken, 
but, clear.
Are there smarter people,
out there?
Always have been,
always will be,
the same applies to slower.

But, 
I am in no way inferior to,
anyone because of my gender.

genitalia has little to do,
with moral rectitude,
intelligence or,
facing the world head on,
hopefully with kindness,
sensitivity and humour.

Just as my gender,
makes me neither,
inferior nor superior,
the same can be said,
for my gayness.
I will not hide behind,
this,
I was born this way kind of discourse.
I hate that argument,
it implies,
'don't hate me, it's not my fault'
'I want to be just like you'.
Fact is,
I don't know if I was born this way,
or not,
and I don't care.
I am in no way inferior to anyone,
because of who I love and how I make love
period.
I don't want to be just like you,
I am me.

A long time ago,
I saw Desert Hearts,
a movie,
I have since seen,
dozens of times.
One of the pivotal scenes in it:
Evelyn, the married, soon to be divorced,
professor of English at Columbia,
says to Kay, the younger potter who works,
at the local Reno casino,
they have been having an affair and Kay,
wants it to go on,
she wants, more.
Evelyn says :it seems so easy to you(paraphrased),
and Kay says,
'I don't act this way to change the world,
I act this way so the Godamned world won't change me'
that is perfectly it, in a nutshell.

The killing, violence and judgement must stop.
We have to talk to people,
we have to come out,
we have to fight battles,
sure pick them,
but,
fight them nonetheless,
we are,
in no way...Inferior

Have a good one.
Later, girls,
BB

Hello you all,
Hope you all have,
your Summer,
Mojo,
going,
oh yeah.

It's been an intense,
couple of weeks,
I am still mourning,
The Dude,
and,
I will for a while,
yet.
That's life

On a very positive note,
my mother went through,
a potentially,
dangerous surgery,
and came out,
great,
and,
after a week,
of sort of rest and,
convalescence,
she is better than ever,
I say sort of,
because it's hard,
to keep mom,
idle,
not big with her.

First few days,
I cooked and did,
dishes, laundry, shopping etc,
on my own,
and,
now we are back to sharing,
and,
she is trying to muscle in,
on my territory.
My mom,
the badass,
yippe ki yay!!
Actually,
she has been,
good,
just restless,
which is a definite sign,
of being on the mend.

I've had some good,
socializing,
saw a few friends,
took some photos,
went to an art exhibit.
Mom and I have spent,
quality time together,
and,
we have watched lots of,
quality drama.
I've walked a ton,
lots of air and sun.
Been a good vacation.

Having a big worry lifted,
from your shoulders,
makes you feel free,
as if you have wings.
The ones you love,
are healthy,
phew.

I intend to submit,
a piece for an,
anthology,
would be the first time.
Woo hoo.

I have lots of ideas,
for being more,
politically involved,
plans for having more,
intellectual and cultural,
stimulation,
in my life.
Feeling very good,
about myself,
bright eyed and bushy tailed,
looking and walking,
down the road.

But, right now,
I am going to enjoy,
the rest of my vacation

Be well.
Later girls,
BB

Today, I made a decision,
that all pet people,
make at one time or another,
I made the decision,
to not let my friend,
suffer any longer.

I had notions and dreams,
of Dude, 
going peacefully,
in his sleep,
but, 
life and death,
are rarely stuff of dreams,
harder and grittier and,
more painful,
sometimes.

I chose,
love and to put an end,
to his suffering,
it was hard,
he was scared, he cried,
he raged and hissed,
I held him,
told him I loved him,
I was there,
he quieted down,
and,
in a few minutes,
he was asleep,
I held him, 
and spoke in soft loving,
tones,
I tried not to cry,
I wanted the last things,
he heard to be,
how much I loved him,
and,
what a good and loyal friend,
he had been,
I tried to be that to him,
as well.

It's hard,
so hard,

I know he is at peace,
that his hips,
allow him to jump,
again,
and,
that he is in a land,
of peace and light.

My mom, put,
it beautifully,
goodbye Doudou, be happy.

RIP The Dude,
you were my friend,
for sixteen years,
I don't know how old,
you were,
between eighteen and twenty,
a good long life,
you've earned your rest

Hello all,
hope you are all,
hanging in.
I had a bit of,
a scare with,
my thyroid,
had,
a lump,
kind of big,
that required a,
biopsy,
results are in,
no Cancer,
and now,
to concentrate,
on getting,
mom,
right as rain.

I have always loved,
that expression.
Rain washes,
away,
dirt and tension filled,
humidity,
rain rights things,
things grow,
flowers, trees,
ideas,
rain is peaceful,
rain helps,
dormant ideas,
...
emerge,
right as rain.
The universe rights,
itself,
right as rain.

Two years ago,
today,
I had drink on,
a lovely terrace,
with my girl,
and,
her daughter,
followed by,
dinner at my favourite,
Verdun eatery,
it was a Wednesday,
my day off,
quiet everywhere,
but,
Spring in the air,
and,
two days before,
my birthday.
It was a very good day.

I got home,
checked my emails.
What had been,
a lovely afternoon,
and,
evening,
turned into,
a night of pain,
of deep,
unrelenting,
sadness.
Two years ago,
I lost my friend,
Francoys,
known to my readers,
here,
as: the anarchist.
My friend, the anarchist


My world changed,
that night.
It got a little darker,
it got a little sadder,
it certainly got,
a little lonelier.
I lost a friend,
I lost a confidant.

Chasm


I have few friends,
those I have,
I like,
I love,
are top notch,
I know many people,
I like lots of people.
I am a friendly person,
I think.
I don't open up,
easily

I realize this might be hard to fathom,
after all, I do write a blog in which I share,
my etats d'ame and the what can appear as minutia,
of my life, hysterectomies and hormones, fights,
and bridge bombings, but, that's different,
to opening up, face to face, person to person.

I had absolute trust,
in Francoys,
he listened and talked,
I listened,
we had a perfect friend,
accord.
I miss him,
I will never stop missing him.

I am not angry at him,
I do not think,
he should have taken,
better care of himself,
he was perfect,
as he was,
a walking laughing,
mass of contradictions,
an intellectual,
a man of tender heart,
a man who was well loved,
in life,
and,
continues to be,
after his death.
He was very tough,
and,
could cry at the,
drop of a hat.
He knew his own,
mind,
his own heart,
and,
understood his many,
appetites.

There isn't a day,
I don't wish,
we could talk,
drink coffee,
have dinner,
walk and laugh,
shoot the shit,
fix the world.
Giving up smoking,
was easier,
because,
after all,
who can you really,
smoke with,
nowadays?

This morning,
I watched a John Waters,
interview,
about Cy Twombly,
and,
contemporary art,
and,

smiled,
Francoys loved,
Waters.

I miss you my friend,
rest in peace

Be well you all,
Later girls,
BB