Bookish Butch

Murals here in Montreal, Grey February day

Hello everyone.

I hope you have had,

a great week.

Did you celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Early? On Tuesday?

Or are you celebrating it tonight?

Catherine and I are going to,

the restaurant,

tonight.

It’s a nice place,

local,

not even a block away,

from my place,

Gepetto’s.

We love it,

it’s a special occasion place,

we go on birthdays,

and anniversaries,

and Valentine’s day.

It’s not too fancy,

but, it’s special,

nice pasta,

nice pizza,

wine,

it’s one of our spots,

special spot.

Couples have,

their spots.

We have places,

we go to on Fridays,

when we are at Catherine’s,

Anna’s (the Hungarian restaurant),

so good, so comforting

Else’s which is a cozy bar place,

where we can have a pint,

and some Bison sliders.

Saturdays we are in Verdun,

and I mostly cook for us.

I love to cook,

cooking,

is one of my love languages.

I cook for me,

and for a few people,

the people who mean,

the most to me,

the people I love.

This is blog post,

999,

so the next is a,

big ass milestone.

I want to give it some,

thought,

but, I don’t want to over think,

because over thinking,

always leads to,

weird contrived posts.

Have an awesome,

weekend,

dance in the kitchen,

eat some good food.

Be good to yourselves,

and each other.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone.

I hope you are all well,

I hope you have love,

in your life.

I saw a video today,

a short little thing,

probably on Tik Tok,

an older couple,

man and woman,

they are waiting for a bus,

these are old people,

80 plus,

he leans over,

kisses the woman,

she receives his kiss,

he looks towards the bus,

she puts her hand on his hip,

he clasps her hand,

the bus stops in front of them.

The text over the video says,

“First there is life, then there is love”

to me that is exactly right.

Life and Love,

what else is there, really?

Health?

Work?

those are both about life,

or love, and if you are,

lucky,

about both.

Friendship?

Family?

also, love.

I feel so privileged,

to have,

the wonderful woman,

that I love in my life,

I am so lucky,

that I have grown,

to be someone,

who loves her,

as she deserves to be loved,

to be someone who sees,

what a treasure she is,

sigh.

I wasn’t always that person,

I was immature and wounded,

that’s no excuse, and this is neither a pity party nor a beat BB up session, it is simply stating facts, I have loved and been loved in my life, but, now, I love better

and that is why I so appreciate,

this love,

in the September of my life.

There is,

nothing,

greater,

than,

love,

all love,

any love,

cherish it,

your family,

your friends,

your pets,

your community.

Because it,

love,

is everything.

Tell someone you love them.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Be well everyone.

Later girls,

BB

Good morning everyone.

Bright and early,

Monday morning,

the start of a new day,

new week and new job.

I would say I found a new job,

but, it’s more like a new job,

found me.

Looking forward to new challenges.

This job will,

engage my skill set,

and stretch my learning curve,

in other directions.

I am pretty happy about it.

Brand new and with lots to,

learn.

Nothing like a new challenge.

Have a wonderful day and week,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone.

I hope all is well in your world.

Here in my beautiful ugly,

it is freezing cold,

brrr,

please consider that when I say freezing cold I speak from a life of living in Montreal, a cold and snowy city

This is Dr Zhivago weather!

I am not working right now,

fingers crossed about that,

so going out in the cold,

needs motivational factors,

I am glad for you health nuts, dog owners and or much more disciplined people than I.

I need reasons to brave the cold,

I need reasons,

like food,

or work,

or seeing my girlfriend,

or a friend needs me,

or I will lose my mind,

if I don’t go out,

that kind of motivation,

and to be clear at -40 all bets are off except food, or a friend needs me

On Thursday around noon time,

we had not quite reached,

extreme cold,

it was actually pleasant,

for February I mean.

I went downtown,

to have lunch with a friend,

to discuss a Bible Study,

we will be co animating,

during Lent.

We will be going through,

the Book Of Ruth,

which is short,

fascinating,

and most of the characters,

are women,

a rarity in the Bible.

We met for lunch,

she treated and then,

I babbled about the Bible Study and she made a video.

It wasn’t Polar Vortex cold,

but, it was/is still Winter,

so I pulled on my beanie,

to me, a beanie is woolen watchcap that wears close to the head, contrary to a tuque which tends to the floppier

And my friend says to me,

You look so Gay, I love it!

That made me laugh,

I know lots of people who wear beanies,

ok, so they tend to be younger, or guys,

she may be right.

She shot the video,

we walked down Ste-Catherine street,

she went to Lululemon ,

and I ducked into Uniqlo,

and then rode the Metro home.

I had errands to run,

before the deep freeze arrived,

I picked up my prescriptions,

and a plant a friend gifted me.

But, on the back burner,

I had some thoughts simmering.

My friend meant that remark,

in a good way,

in a complimentary way,

she is Gay, but even if she hadn’t been,

it would not have been a homophobic remark.

But, forty, thirty, twenty, even ten years ago,

the remark would have freaked me out,

my internalised homophobia,

would have made me freak out.

On Thursday, I thought, lots of women,

wear beanies and dress the way I do, no?

And then I realised, much younger women,

or older Gay women, and mostly butch at that.

Is that because finally at my age,

I don’t really care what people think,

about what I wear,

well, I care that my girlfriend thinks I look cute

and I care not to stand out too much.

But, I love my short buzzed haircut,

my flannel shirts and jeans and boots,

I even own a women’s parka now,

it fits way better,

it’s nice and could never be described as girlie.

I am so glad I have all but lost my,

internalised homophobia,

I credit, the conversations,

on sex and gender.

To be fair,

I always wore ‘masculin’ attire,

but, it stung me when people,

made disparaging remarks,

and I may have taken some comments,

as disparaging when they were,

not really meant that way.

So next time someone says,

“that is so Gay” I will say,

“thanks for noticing!”

Have a great one,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

The most recent version of me.

Hello everyone,

I hope all is well with you.

It’s grey out,

and that is a little bit,

contagious,

the greyness.

I feel ok,

but greyness,

makes me think,

a little,

greyer,

a little darker,

makes me a little bit,

down.

I combat it,

I play loud music,

loud happy music,

I putter,

clean,

do laundry,

cook,

anything,

that moves me away,

from stagnation.

I often get my best thoughts,

when,

I am doing something,

that doesn’t require,

thinking,

cooking, cleaning,

showering,

these are tasks,

that don’t require,

a lot of thinking,

they leave room,

for creative,

even,

deep,

thought.

I have had a few,

family visits,

in the last few days.

On Sunday,

my bff and my girl and I,

went to lunch at my cousin’s,

my dad’s favourite cousin,

and her daughter,

they live together,

and we get together,

a few times a year.

Eva still makes the,

wonderful,

traditional,

Hungarian stuffed cabbage,

so good,

I look forward to it all year.

We had a lovely time,

so good to see them,

as you get older and the people around you get older, you realise just how precious time together is.

On Tuesday,

I took the metro out,

to Laval to go have,

lunch with my aunt,

mom’s sister.

It was so nice to catch up,

chat and walk around the mall.

Mom loved that mall,

she would have been,

upset to know,

the Crate and Barrel was closed.

A nice long metro ride,

allowed me to get,

a nice stretch of reading,

done.

I have been reading,

Out Of Africa,

on my Kindle.

My aunt will be 75 next month,

my cousin 90 at the end,

of the year.

They both have been,

a part of my life,

my whole life.

They knew,

my mom and dad,

when they were,

young and vibrant.

They miss them,

like I do.

Last night,

I was watching,

Dean Martin: King Of Cool,

a TCM documentary,

I had recorded.

I love Dean Martin,

he is my favourite of the crooners.

A good film worth watching,

towards the end,

Ron Marasco,

an actor, author, teacher,

said something I thought was,

insightful,

and really spoke to how,

I have been feeling,

“Our idols, our parents, they age but, then something interesting happens, the declining person dies and they are no longer the declining person. You get them back, they return to being the thing that they were”

I am 57,

my dad died at 58,

this is something,

I think about,

I don’t obsess about it,

but, it does enter my mind.

I have lots of joy,

in my life,

I have lots of love.

It’s January,

it’s grey,

I don’t have a job,

my mind wanders.

I am ok,

I am just thinking out loud.

Thank you for listening.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

I took this photo of me Spring 2022

Hello all,

we had a bright sunny day,

yesterday,

today is back to,

grey,

it’s snowing,

George is snoring,

in the other room,

yes, I can hear him!

My cold is still hanging on,

getting pretty tired of this shit !

But, I have been,

painting,

writing,

everyday,

one or both.

I am getting pretty close,

to a major blog milestone,

I have written,

993 blog posts,

1000, will be a pretty big deal!

I won’t lie,

this cold,

the grey weather,

post holidays,

I won’t say I have the blues,

but, I am not feeling,

buoyant, put it that way…

I have been taking care,

of the house,

cooking,

the previously mentioned,

painting and writing,

but, I can’t seem to focus,

on the next step,

finding the thing I want,

to do,

finding a job,

moving to the next step.

I am not depressed,

I have been depressed,

this ain’t it,

and while I was exhausted,

I am not anymore,

I feel fine.

In most ways,

I feel happier,

than I have ever been,

but…

even at 57…

I have doubts,

rationally,

I don’t,

my logical, rational brain,

tells me,

come on,

you got this,

you have had dozens of jobs,

in your life,

you can find another,

my rational brain,

also tells me,

you made this choice,

took the decision,

you want more time,

for you,

for your creative outlets,

you don’t need that much,

money, security,

but, the little kid in me,

the lizard brain,

says “you need a steady job,

we got bills to pay,

groceries to buy,

George eats the millionaire food!

It’s funny even at 57,

I sometimes,

believe the naysayer,

who lives in me,

the one who tells me”

you aren’t that good,

a writer,

you call that painting!”

I sometimes,

believe the fear,

but,

if there is something,

I have learned,

in my life,

it is,

that,

I am loved,

I am supported,

and,

I am smarter and stronger,

than I sometimes,

just sometimes,

believe.

Keep believing in yourself.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

Hello all,

been a weird week or so.

Dark and gloomy and I have,

had,

a cold.

Nothing life threatening,

but,

it puts you off your game,

you know?

I didn’t want Catherine,

to catch it,

so we spent the weekend,

in our respective flats.

I was missing her,

so I suggested we go,

to the museum on,

Sunday.

Seeing Loud: Basquiat and Music,

is the main exhibit at the MMFA,

it is a long show,

lots of his work,

lots of examples,

of things and people,

that inspired his work.

Hip Hop,

posters,

Polaroid pictures,

Jazz,

Saturday morning cartoons,

the noise of the city(New York late 70’s and 80’s),

graffiti.

I loved it,

I felt inspired,

it made me appreciate,

Basquiat as I never have before,

I got a look inside his creative process,

as my friend, Eric, put it,

“It made me want to go out and make art.”

Fuckin’ A!

It’s a long show,

I had to sit a few times,

in the room with a slave auction painting,

and an homage to Louis Armstrong,

who was once named king of the Zulus,

in a New Orleans Mardi Gras parade,

I was looking at the vibrant blue,

loving the superhero,

Mexican wrestler mask,

vibe.

And,

out of the corner of my eye,

I saw Catherine.

I took my phone,

out of my pocket,

and took a picture.

I love looking at Catherine,

looking at art.

I also think, she was looking particularly ravishing that day.

I share this because,

it shows a part of her,

that I so love,

her ability,

amidst,

noise,

busyness,

to just be.

To commune,

with Art,

or Nature,

or George,

to savour her food,

to close her eyes,

when we dance,

to let herself,

be,

in the moment.

Catherine has the ability,

to be,

that is not given to everyone.

She loves people,

for who they are,

not what she thinks,

they will be.

I was thinking,

last week,

well, maybe longer,

I don’t know.

I was thinking,

I met Catherine when,

I met her,

because I was ready to meet her.

I thank whatever,

God,

universe,

life force,

serendipity,

guardian angel,

put her in my path.

What a blessing,

she is.

Be well you all,

later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

Happy New Year!

I hope your holidays,

have been,

joyous,

love filled and restful.

Mine were all that.

I spent some time with,

Catherine, with my good friends.

I met Catherine’s,

daughter, grandchildren,

son in law and nephews,

at a Christmas celebration,

at her place,

we spent lots of time,

prepping and cooking,

she worked hard for a ,

couple weeks, arranging,

working the space out,

meal planning,

having 10 people over,

is work.

It went off without a hitch,

the food was delicious,

and the company delightful.

I was super nervous about meeting,

her daughter,

I had already met her brothers.

I should have known that,

like Catherine,

they would all,

be wonderful and,

they are.

Everyone was super happy,

to be together after,

a pandemic imposed hiatus.

The other gettogethers were,

smaller but super nice,

we went to church,

on Christmas Eve,

we had Christmas Lunch with,

my friends and neighbours.

We spent lots of time the two of us,

we watched some old movies,

that Catherine had never seen,

Dr Zhivago, Three Days Of The Condor,

we went to the cinema ,

on New Year’s Day,

and saw,

The Banshees Of Inisherin,

a dark, brilliant film, well,

worth your time.

On the way to the metro,

we found some Sunday New York Times,

just laying there on the sidewalk,

obviously the store they had,

been delivered to,

was not open on New Year’s Day,

I brought one home,

Books section and magazine,

and the year in photos,

as well

all the other sections,

spent all of yesterday,

evening, reading it.

Today I am home, alone,

my throat is scratchy,

bit of a cough,

so sitting around in my,

bathrobe,

doing not much.

This is my last week off.

Next week,

I start looking for a job.

I want something part time,

something I can mostly do,

from home,

that uses my talents.

I am confident I will find,

something.

I look forward to 2023,

being challenging,

full of newness,

and love.

To all of you,

I wish, health, prosperity,

and above all else love,

which is the key to everything else,

without love,

there is no peace,

without love there is,

no social solidarity.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

It’s December 23 rd,

tomorrow is Christmas Eve.

I am ready and in the mood.

I am going to take the time,

to enjoy time with Catherine,

to enjoy time with friends.

Won’t see family this year,

doesn’t mean I won’t think of them.

Of course,

I will be thinking of my mom,

and all of those who have gone,

before me.

I am blessed, and I know it.

Have a wonderful,

Merry Christmas,

don’t stress out,

Peace on earth.

Love you all.

Later girls,

BB

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

River by Joni Mitchell

Joni Mitchell,

sure can write,

an evocative lyric,

and a haunting tune.

Sigh, it’s Christmas, soon.

There are many things,

I love about Christmas,

but, it also makes me,

sad.

It makes me reflective,

even more than usual.

I miss all the people who,

have gone before me.

I try to keep their memory,

alive.

I have pictures out,

I use the things I have,

inherited,

the decorations,

the dishes.

I watch the Christmas TV,

The Grinch, Charlie Brown,

It’s A Wonderful Life,

A Christmas Carol,

all the old classics,

they often bring up,

a good cry.

Because Christmas,

is so much about the past,

childhood, memories,

it isn’t all rosy,

because life isn’t,

all rosy,

so why would Christmas be?

At this time of year,

we all seem to want to be,

hit with a case,

of,

collective nostalgia,

an amnesia of how things,

were or should be.

Sugar Plumbs and Carol singing.

I remember the good things,

the wonderful food,

my Grand-maman wearing,

her best clothes,

with an apron around her waist,

the loud laughter,

but, also the arguing,

my mom smiling but,

stressed,

my dad,

well,

you never knew,

if this was the year,

he started a war or,

was it a year of peace.

There are great years,

of love and family,

and friendship and presents,

and new sweaters,

raising a glass in good cheer.

When you reach your advanced,

fifties like me,

and you have no direct descendants,

you wonder,

who will remember you,

who will recognise the people,

in the photo albums?

Maybe you don’t wonder these,

thoughts but, I do,

and then I listen to Joni Mitchell,

or Barbra Streisand,

singing lovely melodies,

and sad, heartfelt lyrics,

and I remember how truly blessed,

I am.

I have been and continue to be,

loved and cherished.

So, it’s coming on Christmas,

tell those you love,

that you love them,

if they are gone,

look to the sky,

or talk to their photo,

tell them you love them,

tell them you miss them.

Listen to Joni.

Have a great one,

you all.

Later girls,

BB