Bookish Butch – Page 18 – Life-From this Butch's Perspective

Paris…someday

Yesterday,

I watched Notre-Dame de Paris,

burn.

What a sad sight.

I love Notre-Dame de Paris.

I have never been,

I might never go.

And, yet, I am attached to it.

In my Parisian fantasies, I walk,

the banks of the Seine,

I browse the book stalls,

I stop and think,

I breathe it in,

Notre-Dame,

street artists,

the weird quirky shops,

dogs everywhere,

the punget smell of Gauloises,

the pleasant aroma of coffee,

baking bread,

buying ham on baguette,

walking where Hemingway and Stein,

Man Ray and De Beauvoir,

have walked,

always with the colossal,

Cathedral as backdrop.

They will rebuild,

it is not just a church,

it is so much more,

it a symbol,

of beauty,

of grandeur,

of reaching to touch perfection,

of reaching for-

God

Be well all,

Later girls,

In times like this, I am reminded of…

Hello everyone , I wish I could wish you all,

a Happy Spring, but Spring is MIA,

here in the beautiful ugly,

yesterday,

we had freezing rain, snow, and hail,

all within three hours,

oh yeah,

good times.

Ah well,

as my bff says,

it is what it is.

Yup.

I am in a season of my life,

which I hope I will look back on,

and see growth and beauty.

My mom is better all the time,

physically all is back to normal,

of course,

the never ending Winter,

the shock to the system,

the brush with mortality,

…

it’s hard for her,

it’s hard for me,

it’s hard for us,

we will get through it,

emerge from the tunnel,

to green fields and daffodils,

of Spring.

Simultaneously, I am looking to,

the next path in the winding road,

that is,

career,

life’s work.

At the suggestion of a good friend,

who works in adult ed,

I have started a career counselling process,

it is a program that,

the education ministry of Québec,

offers,

guidance counselling for adults.

I went the first time,

with an open heart, and an open mind,

not really knowing what to expect,

but, trusting my friend,

her professional expertise,

her kind heart.

Yesterday,

was my third appointment,

in three weeks,

and so far,

I have to say, it has been,

wonderful.

It has allowed me to examine,

with a professional,

who doesn’t know me,

all that I have done in my life,

and where it has lead me.

I must say that sharing,

this season of doubt,

has brought much support,

from my entourage.

Advice and opinions.

I know smart and caring people,

they want the best for me,

ultimately,

I must walk my road.

I thought that being in my fifties,

was a bit of a disadvantage in the workforce,

this is what I have heard,

from HR professionals.

I think that is definitely true,

in lots of fields,

but, not so much in the fields,

that interest me.

In community based work,

in some creative fields.

I want to do something that,

makes a difference,

I want to help,

I want to be inspired,

I want to grow and help others to grow.

I want something that,

benefits from my years of experience,

from my acquired knowledge,

I want to do something that lines up,

with my values, my beliefs,

that will bring me joy.

I can no longer take the first thing,

that manifests itself,

because I need a job.

I have faith,

in the process,

in myself,

in the future.

As lent is now in it’s last week,

my prayer, reflection and,

readings,

have both comforted me,

and confused me.

I have turned to the Psalms and Ecclesiastes,

complex, dense reading,

layer upon layer of meaning,

these books help me wrestle,

with my fears, my demons,

trust in me, in my people,

in God.

Help me to understand that :

For everything its season, and for every activity,

under heaven it’s time.

A time to be born, a time to die.

a time to plant, a time to uproot,

a time to kill, a time to heal

Ecclesiastes 3:1-3(the new english bible translation,1972)

Be well my friends,

later girls,

Lent Diary part II

“He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor.”
― St. Ignatius of Loyola

Hello all,

hope you are well,

and that you are all,

looking forward to Spring.

Here,

in my beautiful ugly,

it’s still Winter,

icy sidewalks

and snow.

But, the sky is bluer,

the days are longer,

and the chill seems,

less biting,

I feel it,

in my fingers,

in my toes,

Spring is on it’s way.

Been a long hard Winter,

for all of us.

It is Lent and I have,

been,

spending extra time,

praying,

going through,

the book I have selected,

for Lent.

The Ignatian Adventure by Kevin O’brien sj,

it is a book to help guide you,

through the thirty days,

spiritual excercises.

A Jesuit priest,

at least twice in his life,

must go through,

a thirty day,

quiet retreat,

it involves the,

examen,

The Daily Examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us. The Examen is an ancient practice in the Church that can help us see God’s hand at work in our whole experience. source Ignatian spirituality.com

which is done twice a day,

not just during the thirty days, but every day

it involves so much more,

the spiritual excercises,

a deep delving into,

our personal relationship with,

God.

Most of us cannot,

take,

thirty days out of our lives.

This book proposes,

we do the excercises over a longer,

period of time,

for twenty to forty minutes,

a day.

A time of contemplation,

a time of prayer,

a time to deepen our relationship,

with God.

The excercises are divided,

into four weeks,

1)Experiencing the boundless mercy of God

2)Accompanying Jesus Christ on mission

3)Being with Jesus in His suffering and savoring the grace of compassion

4)Experiencing the Joy and Sharing the consolation of the risen Lord.

When you don’t spend,

thirty consecutive days,

going through the excercises,

it takes longer,

which is fine,

it takes the time it takes,

it is not a test,

nor a contest,

it is about going very deep.

The author,

who is a Jesuit priest,

suggests that if you are doing it,

for Lent,

you should start with week three,

and follow with,

week four for Easter.

I admit I find it,

difficult,

to silence my mind,

to tune out the world,

to listen,

to hear.

To differientiate,

between my own,

thoughts,

hopes,

fears,

and hearing God.

I have also been watching films,

about monastic life,

be it monks and friars,

or Cisterian and Carmelite nuns,

I find the idea,

fascinating,

always have,

way before I became,

a Christian,

I admired these people’s,

absolute faith,

devotion,

to prayer, to work,

to helping the poor.

They are humans,

with hopes and dreams,

foibles and faults,

talents and gifts,

and they devote all,

to God.

How many of us can say that?

how many would want to?

These are some of my questionings,

in the period of Lent.

Be well

Later girls,

Lent diary part I

Hello everyone,

apologies,

if,

some of my recent,

blog posts,

have seemed,

whinny.

Sometimes it,

needs to come out,

in French we have an expression:

faire sortir le méchant,

evacuating-kicking out the bad-bad stuff

which basically means,

lancing the boil,

not allowing the infection to spread,

not allowing negative thoughts,

to fester,

to take hold.

I think we all do that,

differently.

Some of us,

need to get on with things,

pull up our boot straps,

do, rather than,

think about doing.

And some of us,

process,

decisions,

pain,

hurt,

failure,

grief,

in a way,

we can deal with.

I am someone who,

examines,

observes,

thinks about,

rotates scenarios,

in my head.

I get angry,

I get sad,

I pray,

I talk about it,

I write about it,

and there comes a time,

when I feel a click and,

I am able to move on.

Whenever I have not,

processed things,

kept plowing away,

at the same speed,

it has hit me later,

bad,

hard,

so in the past few years,

I have taken my time,

explored,

with varying levels of success,

but, on terms I can live with,

supported by my mother,

my girl,

my friends,

my family,

blood and chosen.

I don’t want to work,

at a job I hate,

or even tolerate,

I want to make a difference,

I want meaning,

that may come in many ways,

I have no clue about.

In this season of Lent,

I am going deep within,

devoting much time,

to prayer,

to church,

asking God for guidance,

for purpose,

and trusting that it will happen.

Be well,

you all.

Later girls,

Finally…March

Hello all,

hope you are well,

and,

have survived the Winter.

Well, it’s March,

praise the Lord and thank you Jesus.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, this is Montreal and,

the third of March,

ain’t Spring but,

soon, soon.

It has been a rough season,

I’ve had worse,

but, it’s up there.

The holidays were great but,

soon after that,

yuck.

But, my mom,

is recovering very well,

Hallelujah.

Now, I find myself,

in a bit of a spot financially,

but, soon is tax return season,

so that will keep me going for ,

a few months.

The thing is I never really cared,

about money,

I still don’t,

I was never a saver or a planner,

but, I always felt,

the next great,

opportunity,

challenge,

job,

change,

was right around the corner,

that I could always,

start anew,

and,

I have,

numerous times,

lots of,

seasons of change,

in my life.

But, this year,

I will be 54,

and, although,

I don’t feel old,

not even close,

I do not feel,

young,

either,

the world is not my oyster anymore.

what does that even mean??

I have made some weird choices,

in my life,

some might even be defined as,

questionable.

To be clear,

they were mine and I own them,

but, over the past 2 or 3 years,

I have found myself,

searching,

having more trouble,

reinventing.

I have found peace and meaning,

in my faith,

but, the next ‘thing’,

remains elusive,

But, now it’s March,

the answer is coming,

I know it is.

I am hoping and praying for an,

early Spring,

Groundhog predictions notwithstanding.

and that I find my mission,

my calling.

I wish you all a blessed end of Winter,

as some of us embark on the season of Lent,

I wish for all of us,

a season of examination, learning and communion

Be well, all of you,

Later girls,

I read a poem this morning…

Today is Valentine’s Day,

Happy Valentine’s day,

to one and all.

I am a romantic,

an idealist,

a dreamer.

I don’t think that is,

what people always,

think of me,

because I am also,

a pragmatist,

I believe in,

fixing things,

talking them out,

not pretending,

all is well.

I also believe in prayer,

in the goodness of people,

in the grace of God.

I project,

or so I have been told,

confidence.

I am confident,

but, I have,

doubts,

I have questions,

and sometimes,

I don’t fit in.

I often feel alone.

I have friends,

I have family,

I have a girlfriend,

I have a church community.

I can only imagine how,

people who don’t ,

feel.

This morning I read a poem,

on Austin Kleon’s blog,

If you have never read his blog or his books, do, briliant, about the creative process, art and working on it, all the time

The poem is

‘Not Waving but Drowning’

Nobody heard him, the dead man, 
But still he lay moaning: 
I was much further out than you thought 
and not waving but drowning. 

Poor chap, he always loved larking 
and now he's dead 
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, 
They said. 

Oh, no, no, no, it was too cold always 
(Still the dead one lay moaning) 
I was much too far out all my life 
And not waving but drowning. 

Stevie Smith

it made me think,

of all the people,

out there, drowning,

they seem fine,

they smile and wave but, really are they?

That’s not me,

I share,

here, on face book, with friends,

with my pastors,

sometimes with whoever will listen.

It’s a tough season in my life,

but, I am not drowning.

Don’t let yourselves drown,

share, talk, write,

don’t go too deep,

in the choppy waters.

and remember nobody’s life is as perfect,

as their instagram, snapchat or facebook,

is showing.

Be well my friends,

Later girls,

the road, the journey: part…

Hello all, hope all is well with all of you.

I am better, was a tough week, emotionally,

but, a long walk in the cold yesterday,

some inspiring reading and,

church,

on this beautiful Sunday,

has really helped.

Oxygen and conversation tend to really,

help me get back on track.

I feel better, rejuvenated.

It’s been hard and more than a little bit,

scary,

my mom’s stroke.

Brings up so many questions,

burried fears,

a slap in the face from,

mortality,

the passing of time,

of years.

My mom is better,

everyday a little stronger,

everyday a little more herself,

and a little more wanting,

to take back,

control of her life,

which is fabulous.

I have to tame my fears,

let her be,

let her live her life,

all the while…helping,

and getting back to my life,

too.

Those of you who know me,

those of you who don’t,

but, who read my blog,

know that the last few years,

have been transformative,

I have searched and taken,

a bunch of different paths,

I have done some ‘teaching’,

some writing,

some talking,

tons of reading and research,

and hours and hours,

of praying and contemplation.

I have felt God guiding me,

shaking me, sometimes gently,

sometimes more vigorously.

I was guided to St-jax’s,

to the community, the friends,

the family that I have found there.

I have also met inspiring,

dedicated people,

in many other parts of the church,

fellow travelers on the journey,

I have considered,

what my role,

in the church,

in the world,

might be.

I have a few ideas,

and I feel very much,

encouraged.

I will keep on learning,

building,

reaching.

Thank you all for reading,

and,

for your support,

it means more than I can say.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

DNA investigations and family

Hello all, I hope your year,

has gotten off to a good start.

Mine has been a little rocky,

my mother had a stroke,

we are not really sure when,

but, some of her behaviour was,

a little bit,

off, different, odd,

it alerted me to something,

not being quite right.

I called 911 and they took her to,

the hospital and it was determined,

that she had a small stroke,

in the frontal lobe.

So scary,

there are no physical symptoms,

no paralysis, no pain,

brains don’t have nerve endings,

but there are things going on,

she is a little bit confused,

about certain things,

not much,

but a little bit.

She was very lucky,

we were very lucky.

The doctors and all staff,

at the hospital were great,

they ran the tests,

they took care of mom,

they took charge.

She was in the hospital,

for six days,

she is home,

we are building up,

her strenght,

her health,

we are working,

on,

making her,

better,

the aim is:

full recovery.

I have been praying,

many,

have been praying,

sending love, good vibes, positive thoughts,

people have been generous,

sending messages of love,

concern, support.

In times like these,

faith,

family,

friends,

that is what gets you through,

luckily we have all three.

I won’t pretend,

I haven’t been scared,

I have been,

but, I believe,

things will get better,

with patience and hard work.

All prayers and thoughts,

very much appreciated.

My mother is my closest,

family member,

my father passed,

over twenty years ago,

and, I have no sibblings,

I have cousins,

wonderful cousins,

friends,

I have good friends.

In early December ,

my best friend,

gave me one of those,

ancestry DNA kits,

I was super excited!! I always wanted one!

I got the results back,

yesterday,

Some things are surprising,

less Eastern European blood,

than I expected,

my grandfather on my father’s side was Hungarian

more undetermined Nortwestern European blood,

Scandinavian? Faroe Islands?

it’s very interesting,

romantic even,

my roots,

are profoundly,

Québécois,

and also very Scottish,

explains my love,

of plaid, woolen jumpers,

cabage and potatoes,

my love of beer, whiskey,

tea, oatmeal,

all things oats,

my deep connection with,

fiddles and bagpipes,

mandolines and accordions,

I come from,

working class people,

people of the city,

people who left tough city,

neighbourhoods to come to,

other city neighbourhoods.

I come from faithful,

French Canadian Catholics,

and tough Presbyterians,

I come from devout people,

and people who drank a little too much.

I have found links to relatives,

through my DNA,

good people, strong people, my people.

Ma famille, mes amiEs, mon monde.

So, that is what is going on.

If you have it in you,

please pray for mom’s continued recovery.

Be well, all of you

Later, girls,

Afternoon tea

Life is all about-challenges

Happy 2019 to all of you.

The first week of the year is done, woo hoo.

Here’s hoping you all had some great holidays.

Mine were lovely.

Christmas Eve was church and mom and a movie,

also fancy hors d’oeuvres and French wine,

life is good.

On Christmas day we had lunch with our,

good friends.

On New Year’s eve we were invited to a party,

some wonderful neighbours of ours,

had a party for a few of the neighbours,

it was lovely, it was luxe,

but also,

super friendly,

a great way to bring in the New Year.

New Year’s day we had friends over,

for lunch and on the 2 nd,

I went to Burlington with ,

a dear friend.

So, my holidays were great,

a combination,

of social and quiet.

I expect 2019 will be a year,

of great change,

and –challenges.

I will be meeting shortly,

with a career counsellor,

makes me sound like I am in high school, lol

I need help in going forward,

career wise,

I no longer want to work in,

call centers,

customer service,

market research,

or retail.

I have done that,

and I have the greatest of respect for people,

who go to work everyday,

in difficult fields,

often.

in not great conditions,

and, with,

little,

or no -respect received,

it’s hard,

really hard.

I find myself at a point in my life,

where,

I want to feel like I am making,

a difference,

like I am contributing,

to the world, to society.

I don’t need it to be easy,

I need it to have meaning.

Meaning to me,

I want something that lines up,

with my beliefs,

with my core values,

of social justice,

of love of your fellow human,

I want something,

that will enable me to use,

my language skills,

my people skills,

my life experience,

I also want something,

that will allow me to be who,

I am.

It took me a long time,

to be,

me.

I like who I am,

I would just like to be,

an employed,

me.

I hope over the next little while,

to find some answers or opportunities,

and to continue on ,

with my creative projects.

Here is wishing all of you,

A Happy, healthy, prosperous, productive,

New Year.

Be well, my friends

Later Girls

The Last day of the Year

Good morning all, well, it’s here,

the last day of the year.

I hope your year has been wonderful and,

if it hasn’t been,

I hope you have grown.

I, have had a year of ups and downs,

but the ups,

far outnumber the downs.

It has been a year of learning,

and learning is often,

hard.

But, I’m here

Good times and bum times
I’ve seen them all and, my dear
I’m still here
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer
But I’m here -Stephen Sondheim from Follies

I am not old, I am middle aged.

I have lots to look forward to,

in my life,

career wise,

faith wise,

and, I have support of my family,

of my friends,

I am privileged and I know it.

I want to wish all of you,

love, support, dreams and laughs,

but, most of all I wish to all of you,

joy, peace.

In a few hours, it will be New Year.

May the New Year be all that you need.

Resolve or forgiveness,

hard work or rest.

We all are at different points,

in our journeys.

Thank you all for being a part of mine

Be well,

Happy 2019

Later girls,