Bookish Butch

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Hello everyone,

hope you are all doing excellently.

Today is Monday,

Victoria Day in Canada,

long weekend,

it couldn’t be prettier,

gorgeous day.

Today marks,

ten weeks of lockdown

wow, long time.

I haven’t written in a while,

I’ve been busy,

getting to know,

a special someone.

The world of dating,

of courting,

of love,

has changed so much,

in the last few decades.

But has it?

Do people still meet in bars?

Do friends and family,

still play matchmaker?

Of course they do!

People still meet at work,

still meet at the gym,

at church,

at music festivals,

but in the Spring of 2020,

they meet in none of those ways,

in the Spring of 2020,

with a pandemic,

at our doors,

people need to “meet”,

to “talk”,

online,

social media,

people need to connect in,

whatever way,

they can,

phone, email, chat, text,

face time.

This might sound strange,

but,

is courting,

in the time of pandemic,

really very different from,

the letter writing of the 19 th century?

We don’t have three times a day,

mail delivery,

but,

what we have now,

is send.

anytime.

We can be brief or we can,

spend hours crafting a,

love letter,

a,

sensual ode.

In 1845, Robert Browning,

an aspiring poet,

wrote to Elizabeth Barrett,

an established poet,

five years his senior,

he wrote in his first letter to her:

I love your verses with all my heart dear Miss Barret…I do,as I say, love these books with all my heart-and I love you too

Talk about declaring your intentions!

He fell in love with her words,

her words were her poems,

a direct window into her soul.

He was younger,

she was a frail woman,

who lived under the rule of a,

tyrannical father and yet,

with so many roadblocks,

and societal constraints,

they made it.

Theirs is a epic love story.

They made it, they loved,

passionately,

in their daily lives.

romantic sigh

I hear lots of people,

denigrate,

dreaming.

Be practical,

find a someone close to home.

I say,

love is not practical,

love is …everything,

it is not the place for compromise.

These are some of my thoughts of love,

in the pandemic.

Be well, stay heathy

Later girls,

BB

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Good afternoon my friends.

Hope all is well,

in,

your little piece of the world.

Here, Spring has sprung,

and not a second too soon.

We might still get cold weather,

flurries even,

but once you have had,

a day or two over 15 degrees,

that’s Celsius for my Americans,

the end is foretold.

So all week,

I have been listening to tunes,

making my playlists,

revisiting old favourites,

music has really helped,

center me,

and I need centering.

Since the beginning of confinement,

I have had issues with concentration,

trouble reading,

trouble focusing,

it hasn’t been conducive,

to creation,

to writing.

In the last few weeks,

maybe three,

maybe two,

things have shifted.

I have embraced the,

buzz cut,

I have taken to singing,

while doing the dishes,

dancing in the kitchen,

in the afternoon,

I have walked twice a day,

mostly alone,

exploring different parts,

of my neighborhood.

I have felt Spring,

in my hair,

in my nostrils,

I have come, alive,

again.

I have reacquainted myself,

with my blog.

Seeing it through,

someone else’s eyes,

has brought me back,

to my voice.

My voice,

is not universal,

it is mine.

I need to write,

my voice,

my truth,

and when I do,

it’s good, it’s better.

Watching an old James Taylor,

interview today,

his analysis,

about the highly personal nature of his work,

being about him, his life,

his experience.

It helped.

In the last year,

I had considered,

stopping my blog,

it had changed it wasn’t,

the same.

In the same way,

I have changed,

I am not the same,

butch,

who started this blog,

ten years ago,

but, you know,

I liked her,

and then for a while,

I lost her,

and now well…

she’s back,

older and having experienced,

more pain,

but, also,

yearning,

joy and discovery,

faith and love,

all of me,

is back,

with my scars and my faith,

my weirdness and my fun,

my past ,

my future.

Thanks for being here,

you all.

Later girls,

BB

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Hello everyone,

I am hoping,

you are all well,

keeping safe and healthy.

I have been thinking,

how strange that feels,

fear for health and safety,

to so many of us,

especially here in,

my beautiful ugly,

a safe place.

Montreal is,

a city in which,

there were 25 murders in 2019,

yes, you read that right, 25 murders,

in a city of 1.78 million people,

makes for a pretty safe city.

Sure, zero would be best,

and if we could eliminate,

domestic/violence against women,

it would be practically nothing.

I would love to see that day:-)

All this to say,

fear of leaving the house,

has not,

been a big preoccupation,

for the entirety of my life.

Now, I know a certain amount of fear,

the mounting number of dead,

devastation,

in our long term care facilities,

for the old and the frail,

the disabled,

in essence,

the people who need us most,

and who we have most failed as a society.

The fear of contacting it,

the virus,

and passing it on to mom,

or someone else in my circle.

Seven weeks of confinement,

leads to thinking,

obsessing about ,

things.

Something needed to change,

I was kind of freakin’ out.

Spring and sunshine have helped,

but it’s been a tardy Spring.

Last week, a new friend,

new friends help too,

asked if I was on Spotify,

I said no, I had the freebie one,

with commercials and I never listened to it.

but, it got me thinking,

I used to have it,

with my cellphone plan,

and when it was no longer free,

I didn’t renew it.

But, late last week I did.

I can’t tell you,

how much better,

I feel,

I regularly listen,

while doing dishes or some other,

equally mundane,

domestic task,

I find myself ,

dancing in the kitchen,

to songs that remind me of,

better times,

songs that were hits when,

I was a child and that one,

sees in a new light as an adult,

Sharing The Night Together, Anticipation,

very different now then at 12-13.

Old faves like Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen,

Carly Simon, James Taylor,

discovering new artists to me,

through friends recommendations,

has been a joy,

Mat Nathanson, totally kills,

listening to Reggae again,

which to me spells Summer,

Red red wine goes to my head…

Sweet and Dandy, Sweet and dandy.

Music, dancing, such joys in my life,

the pandemic in a way,

has allowed me to reconnect,

with that singing dancing butch.

She has a buzz cut now,

and through the help of yearning,

and the music of Sam Cooke*

seems to be awakening,

from a long quasi catatonic state.

Merci la vie,

vive la musique.

Be well ladies and gents.

Later girls,

BB

*What a Wonderful Word It would Be, has always been a favourite-Dont know much about history, don’t know much biology….

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Hello everyone,

hope you are all,

sane and safe.

Been tough,

around here,

this last little while,

mom has not been well,

and we have been,

trying to establish,

what was causing the problem,

we know what it isn’t ,

and now to determine what it is,

and then fix.

we spoke to her doctor ,

we are taking care of this,

please send healing thoughts.

So in between looking out for mom,

and worrying.

I’ve been reading,

doing my regular activities,

on zoom,

not in person.

I’ve been missing,

the spontaneity,

of going out when I feel like it,

stopping by a cafe,

browsing in a bookstore,

shopping,

talking,

exchanging with local,

shopkeepers,

friends and acquaintances,

from the neighbourhood,

I miss taking the metro,

exploring the city,

that I love.

I have been starved for,

conversation,

for physical contact.

I see a few friends,

for walks,

and I talk to some neighbours,

there is the phone,

texts, emails,

but this is hard on all of us.

So I have been thinking,

and trying new things,

cooking stuff I don’t normally cook,

and I have been buzzing my hair,

trimming it,

once a week.

What started off as,

a necessity,

for me

I was due for a cut,

the premier closed,

hair salons and barbers etc,

they are considered,

non essential,

and ,

they require close,

physical contact,

and proximity.

So necessity and frustration,

set me off on this path,

of clippers and buzz cuts.

I did this 10 years ago,

for charity,

that was my excuse,

and now my excuse is,

the pandemic,

and the closing of hair places,

But, if I am honest with myself,

and with you all,

and if you can’t be honest,

with your blog who can you be honest with?

I like it,

I love the way it looks,

I love the way,

it makes me feel.

I have wanted to,

buzz my hair,

for decades,

and ,

after I did it years ago,

and saw that it looked good,

that my head didn’t have, a funny shape.

I loved the way my girlfriend,

reacted and loved it.

But, I was still sensitive,

to the comments,

people made.

I know some people,

think it’s crazy,

masculine, weird,

it is very much,

me,

an almost 55 year old butch.

I like it, I like that women,

who I find attractive,

like it,

not all, no such thing as a universal model.

I know older women get it,

low maintenance.

People don’t have to get it,

just like I don’t,

have to get,

blue hair.

I like my buzz cut,

I like my grey hair,

I like my plaid shirts,

and my ball caps,

I like me.

Hope you are all liking,

yourselves.

Sending out a giant,

virtual hug to all of you.

Be well, you all.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all healthy.

Happy is relative , healthy is good.

Mom and I are both healthy,

and keeping our distances,

from others,

in order to stay that way.

We are in the apartment,

most of the time,

we attempt to distract ourselves,

we color, we play Yaghtzee,

we watch classic films.

We keep ourselves informed,

and try not to let dread and fear,

overwhelm, us.

Some days are tougher than others.

I worry more,

as the one who goes out,

and gets supplies,

so I try to keep home.

I must say,

zoom has been,

a Godsend,

it has allowed,

participation in church,

services and meetings,

my EFM class has carried on,

as a result as well.

I text my friends,

have received some,

phone calls from family,

and people who I had not been,

in touch with,

for quite some time,

I have reached out ,

to people, just to make sure,

they are ok.

Hard to hold stupid grudges,

when people worldwide are,

isolated and fearful.

When you can’t walk to the cafe,

browse the bookshop,

shoot the breeze with shopkeepers,

hug your friend for her birthday,

stroll down Ste-Catherine street,

in the hustle and bustle,

this is my version of what I miss,

yours would be..

well…

yours.

I miss church,

I pray,

we meet on Wednesdays on zoom,

talk over coffee,

it’s pretty good,

it lacks intimacy but,

it’s fine.

So many people have been,

so creative in finding ways,

for us all to connect,

worship.

On Monday night,

I participated in a improv passion play,

and,

I was the bad guy,

it was intense,

a new experience for me.

Brave New World,

stay healthy, stay home,

save lives.

Love to all of you.

Be well you all,

Later girls,

BB

p.s, got a new (refurbished) laptop so I expect to be writing more, again

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