Bookish Butch

Good morning all,

another scorcher on the horizon,

2020 will not only be,

the Summer of Coronavirus,

it might also be the Summer,

we melted

🙂

Been a busy week,

lots of wrapping my head,

around,

stuff,

understanding my job.

I love it,

my job,

it’s early days ,

at the figuring out stage.

I know it is and ,

is going to be,

awesome.

But, what’s been on my mind,

mostly,

this week,

is not something,

but someone.

I have been trying to,

figure out how to give up,

a love that feels so right,

I have been trying to hold on,

without being pathetic,

respectfully,

lovingly,

to a love,

that might not,

be meant,

to be.

No matter what my heart says

I have been walking the tightrope,

of your needs, my needs,

and what happens,

when we aren’t in the same place.

When the love that exists,

now, at this moment,

was new but strong.

I know that I have just used,

the past and present tense,

to ‘talk’ about a love,

and that isn’t because,

I am grammatically confused.

I use the present and past tenses,

because I believe,

that love,

even,

shelved love,

even,

lost love,

lives.

It lives in the past,

it lives in the present.

I love people who I,

haven’t seen in,

thirty years,

and I am not talking about,

dead people,

well,

not only about dead people

🙂

I have a theory,

it might not be,

the most brilliant theory,

it might not even be,

fully formed,

or verifiable,

but, I believe,

that love,

real love,

deep love,

friendship,

familial love,

and,

passion for another human being,

love freely given,

never dies,

it floats,

in the ether,

it drifts in and out of our minds,

but, mostly of our hearts.

It is always there,

waiting to be seen.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

Good morning everyone, 

It’s a grey day here in, 

my beautiful ugly. 

The breeze is lifting the curtains, 

it’s pleasant. 

I am sitting on the couch, 

working. 

The cat woke me, 

very early, 

he’s bad that way. 

He started at .. 

not quite sure what time, 

actually, 

but, by 6h30, 

I had given up, 

on getting anymore sleep. 

I made some tea, 

I sat with my thoughts, 

the cat lay next to me snoring 

I made some notes, 

for work, 

and for a writing project, 

I am cogitating. 

I looked out the window. 

I did not pick up the book, 

I have been reading, 

it was right there, 

by my side on the couch, 

but I had read lots of it, 

yesterday. 

I needed a break. 

The book is Untamed, 

by Glennon Doyle. 

I think it’s a brilliant book, 

a lot of it speaks to me, 

much does not, 

I have shared quotes, 

from it on Facebook, 

I have had mini discussions, 

about it, 

with friends. 

It has great insight, 

about the socialization, 

of women, 

the taming of women. 

Much of it is about, 

parenting, 

I am not a parent, 

much of it, 

is about marriage, 

I have never been married. 

But, mostly, 

I didn’t want to pick it up, 

because, 

my most recent relationship, 

is in mutation, 

from what I had hoped, 

would be a great love, 

to friendship, 

and the previous, 

relationship, 

ended without real closure, 

and not much hope of, 

any ever coming about. 

So, I think perhaps, 

a good Trollope novel, 

and burying myself in work, 

might be good 

🙂 

I have been making, 

short videos, 

on my phone, 

and posting, 

on Facebook. 

I started making them, 

in early May, 

I think, 

I was bored, 

but, mostly 

I wanted to talk, 

to the woman I hoped, 

would be my girlfriend. 

I wanted her to see me, 

in a non static way, 

bring her on my walks, 

show her my neighborhood, 

they were notes,  

love notes, 

of an everyday variety. 

Other people watched them, 

and some liked them, 

I spoke about my upcoming, 

fifty-fifth birthday, 

they were free form, 

I just pressed record, 

and off I went, 

I didn’t edit them, 

I don’t know how, 

I spoke from the heart, 

about the weather, 

music, 

what was on my mind, 

I attempted to woo her. 

So, yesterday, 

I said I would not be, 

making videos, 

for a while, 

because, I didn’t feel, 

I had much to say. 

My friend, 

said she would miss them, 

that they were like postcards. 

Couldn’t I keep doing them? 

Couldn’t I curate it, 

talk about all the other things, 

that were going on in my life? 

My life was interesting. 

My job, my discernment, 

all the other, 

things that make me, 

me. 

This hadn’t occurred to me. 

It hadn’t occurred to me, 

because that isn’t my way. 

I vlogged about, 

what was foremost, 

in my heart, in my thoughts. 

When I write a blog post, 

it is much the same way. 

I write about what is, 

making me sad, 

making me angry, 

about what is annoying me, 

about what makes me happy, 

about what excites me, 

I write what is imperative for me , 

to write. 

My blog isn’t 100 percent, 

spontaneous, 

it is written after all, 

but, 

the vast majority, 

of my posts, 

are written in one sitting, 

open heart, 

little to no rewriting, 

the ones that aren’t, 

the ones I fuss over, 

aren’t nearly as good, 

nearly as real. 

It is not that, 

it is not polished, 

it is not honed. 

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Hemingway 

I can curate my, 

Instagram page, 

but, not my videos, 

or my blog, 

because they are, 

me. 

They are not art, 

they are not work, 

they are me. 

Be well you all, 

Later girls, 

BB 

p.s I wrote this two days ago and things are a little different and this was stuck in the ether while life went on, but I am commited to sharing my truth , so here it is, warts and all

Good day to you all,

it’s a cloudy hazy one,

here in my beautiful ugly.

It’s been a helluvah week.

Emotional highs and lows,

a roller coaster.

Yesterday,

I took the metro,

it was the first time,

since March 14th!

I live in Verdun,

it is an interesting ,

urban neighbourhood,

has pretty much all I need,

and it’s all within,

walking distance.

It meets my needs,

and more.

Verdun is my home,

my friends,

my ‘hood.

But, downtown,

the Plateau,

these are places,

that I visit,

when I need to ,

get out of my head,

one is the Auntie Mame,

of my life:

Life is a banquet and most of you poor suckers are starving to death!

and the other is,

my exotic acquaintance,

the lover I long for,

the excitement,

the blood pumping,

heart bursting,

joy and passion.

Yesterday,

I spent a few hours,

in the plateau,

I walked her familiar,

but not quotidian streets.

I bought some pens,

some paper,

in the best stationary store,

that I know,

I got a cold brew to go,

from a hipster cafe,

that I adore,

and then I went to,

the Word,

my all time favourite,

bookshop.

It is a tiny place,

the facade is painted,

a very dark green.

It’s amazing what I find,

at the Word,

it’s as if,

it was curated for me.

I had a Trollope set aside,

and an MFK Fisher,

and as I was walking in,

wearing a mask,

and having sanitized my hands,

I found a lovely hard cover,

of,

Where The Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein,

ten bucks.

Adrian was wearing a visor,

but we had a short chat.

I like to go there,

alone,

because sometimes,

I take my time,

dawdle even,

but I have never visited,

The Word and left,

empty handed,

ever.

That was yesterday,

a metro ride,

keeping a distance,

wearing a mask,

and visiting some of my truly happy places,

I have missed them so.

Have a great weekend you all,

stay safe, be well.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Good morning everyone.

After six days of melting,

exhausting heat,

we now have breezy weather.

Breezy weather is my favourite,

I can walk, I can think,

I like breezy weather.

I need to think,

I need to work,

I need to write.

A few months ago,

I put an end to what had been,

a long term relationship,

it was hard, ends are.

Beginning are all energy,

passion, dreams,

goofy grins,

dancing,

arousal,

what ifs.

Ends are hard,

questions,

is it me?

am I not enough?

why does everything end?

My previous relationship,

was long distance,

I loved her,

she loved me,

we both compromised,

I tried to make myself into,

the woman she needed,

I never managed that,

we gotta be who we are,

not who we think they,

need,

want.

It’s ok, it’s over.

In my mind,

as it was ending,

when it ended,

I told myself,

no more long distance relationships,

or just ,

not so far:-)

It was the pandemic,

I buzzed my hair,

I owned it,

I wrote about it,

I got positive,

attention,

I got messages and flirting,

I met people,

I met someone,

I told myself,

flirting is good for you,

nothing will come of it,

you are both consenting adults,

and I got swept up,

I fell hard,

for a woman who is extraordinary,

smart,funny, sexy af,

who thinks I am way more,

exotic and interesting than I am.

I am a romantic,

I allowed myself to think,

we could work things out,

that serendipity,

had not put us into each other’s path,

for no reason,

right?

And just like that.

I was single again,

and it hurts,

so much,

because tasting something so right,

you don’t want to give it up.

The timing was wrong,

we both need to heal,

from past wounds,

we need to find,

our,

me,

in order to become,

a we.

Serendipity wasn’t messing with me,

with us,

it showed us, it gave us,

a beautiful,

intensely passionate,

tender, joyful,

hot and sexy,

love affair,

an affair to remember,

a we’ll always have Covid 19,

kind of passion,

it gave us,

a friendship,

and an exotic place to visit,

someday.

My heart is large,

there is room,

for exes,

for friends,

for family,

for God,

and there will always be,

room,

for the one….

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Hello everyone,

If you live anywhere,

near the beautiful ugly,

Toronto, Boston, New York City,

you know, we are melting,

crazy friggin’ heat.

In this pandemic year,

we are, here,

in Montreal,

into our second,

major heat wave,

and the Summer solstice,

was yesterday!!

I am thinking this,

Summer will be challenging,

pandemic, dodging the heat,

yeah, potentially rough.

I lugged the AC out of the shed,and it is roaring away as I write this, yup, feeling kind of like a genius right now🙂

But,

aside from the,

madness inducing heat,

of the past few days,

my week has been,

Great.

Interesting.

Stimulating.

Revelatory.

A little bit of all that.

The new job,

is great,

it,

has gotten off to,

an excellent start,

lots of talking, reading, networking,

all stuff I am,

good at,

brainstorming,

and,

brain picking,

I feel like,

many challenges await me,

and I love a challenge!

I have been doing a lot of reading,

and thinking,

pushing myself to examine,

my privilege,

my preconceived notions.

I like to think of myself,

as an open minded person,

I like to think of myself as,

unconventional,

free thinking,

not full of prejudices,

certainly not a racist,

not me!

Hey, I am a lesbian,

a butch,

I know what discrimination means,

right?

What a crock.

I have never been,

stopped by the police,

just for walking,

and fitting the description,

of a ‘person of interest’,

in an investigation,

To be clear,

lots of people hate gays,

lots of people wish,

there was a straight Pride week,

as if 51 weeks a year weren’t about straight pride!

Lots of people think being gay,

is crazy,

is deviant.

But, native and African American,

brothers and sisters,

their lives,

are much more complicated,

than mine,

than those of all white people.

These last few weeks,

have shinned,

yet again,

a harsh light,

on the ugly truths,

of our society,

the racial discrimination,

the ugliness of poverty,

the ever present,

stench of privilege.

I have seen people,

say things like all lives matter,

and that Aunt Jemima,

and Uncle Ben’s are part,

of our cultural heritage,

that statues of,

John A Macdonald,

of Stonewall Jackson,

are history,

that history and culture are being,

erased.

I have had people ‘attack’ me,

for pointing out that the position,

they are clinging to,

is untenable,

unfair,

ugly,

that all of us need to dismantle,

this corrupt, rotten to the core,

systemic racism and inequity

and have them respond that,

they are entitled to their opinion.

The thing is,

Hate is not an opinion.

All people are created equal.

Full stop.

If the government,

through the police forces,

and or militia,

oppress, persecutes or,

as in many cases,

assassinate members of our,

society,

and, we sit idly by,

and do nothing and say nothing,

we are pulling the trigger,

ourselves.

We,

and by we I mean me and we

need to stop repeating,

the platitudes of what free countries,

we live in.

Why are so many,

blacks,

natives,

poor,

in jail?

They commit more crimes?

No, they do not.

We need to change things,

not just question,

we need to change things.

That starts by calling people out on their hate,

because Hate is not a opinion,

it’s just hate.

Stay safe, stay cool,

stay informed, stay angry.

In the words of Tracy Chapman:

Poor people gonna rise up and take what’s theirs.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

lovely breezy warm day,

out here,

in my beautiful ugly.

My friend Jen, says everything I write starts with the weather, I tell her it is my birthright as a Canadian:-) She doesn’t mean it critically it’s just that, as an American she isn’t obsessed with the weather, we all have our National obsessions, eh?

Been a big week,

some truly excellent things,

happened,

and at least one,

non excellent thing,

I did not see coming,

such is life.

I have been offered,

and more importantly,

I have accepted,

a part time job.

I will be working with,

a local literacy group,

so,

work I care deeply about.

I will be working online,

helping to set up programs,

helping people,

to adopt,

digital means of communication,

among other things.

I am excited,

I am nervous,

some of it is familiar,

some of it is,

outside,

my comfort zone.

An opportunity to help,

to make a difference,

and to learn.

I can’t tell you how,

happy I am about it.

It’s also part time,

and will allow me,

to keep being there,

for mom.

It feels very much,

like an answer,

to my prayers.

Over the last year or so,

I prayed,

that God would point me,

in the direction,

I needed to go,

to be useful,

to discern a calling,

if indeed,

a calling there was.

I don’t mind telling you,

that there were times, many times,

I felt like,

every step,

forward,

was closely followed,

by two,

back.

It felt,

truly and often,

like,

God was messing with me,

I know, as if:-)

This new direction,

seems to have fallen,

from the sky,

and I am ready,

to take on the challenge.

——————–

I have been thinking,

how the pandemic,

has taken,

so much away,

and has also,

expanded certain,

possibilities.

I am a dreamer,

and a pragmatist,

I am a pragmatic dreamer,

an odd combination,

to be sure,

but, it is who I am,

another thing,

those of you,

who have read my blog,

for awhile,

know,

I wear my heart on my sleeve,

that isn’t going to change,

and if it did,

there would probably be no blog.

The pandemic,

the resultant,

buzz cut,

and,

serendipitous meetings,

have, reignited,

my writing pilot light.

I feel like I have more,

to say and share,

than I have in years,

so yeah, a good week,

and a challenging one,

a significant week.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB

Hello all,

it’s a lovely day,

here in my beautiful ugly,

sunny, warm,

perfect.

Been a good week,

got lots of ideas,

percolating,

still getting to know,

the wonderful woman,

that serendipity,

put in my path,

I am crazy about her,

happy sigh.

Spent lots of time,

with my mom,

to us togetherness is watching tv, whatever works, works, you know?

Most days,

I get out for two walks,

one in the morning,

one right after dinner.

This morning,

my walk was later than usual,

restless sleep,

slow to get the old engine,

going,

by the time I got walking,

it was past eleven,

I took one of my regular routes,

but,

modified it slightly,

to avoid the parents,with strollers,

went down this street,

kind of a crappy street,

I don’t mind crappy,

and saw this young woman,

sitting on a low stoop,

she was smoking,

the wind in her hair,

wearing shorts,

prominent tattoo,

on her calf,

the word Rex,

beige shorts, black tee,

Blundstone boots,

and hairy legs,

dark hair,

on her head and legs,

she was absolutely,

stunning.

I wish I could have sneaked,

a photo,

but, that would have been,

impossible,

the moment would have,

passed,

been altered,

forever more.

I smiled at her,

as I passed and kept,

walking.

As I kept going down,

the street and turned at,

the corner,

I nodded,

and thought to myself,

things have changed,

and that is a good thing.

Of course,

many women,

feel the need to comform,

to bullshit standards of beauty,

but, this young woman,

and so many of her generation,

seemed free to be,

whatever she wished to be.

Personally, I shave my legs,

when I wear shorts,

because I have dark hair,

and pale legs,

not to mention patchy growth,

so, I shave,

but, perhaps, just perhaps,

I shave because it’s …

the thing to do.

Do I shave because,

even as a butch woman,

with a buzz cut,

I still feel the pressure,

of polite, genteel,

society?

I don’t think so,

but,

who knows?

I applaud you,

young beautiful woman,

with the hairy legs.

You are free.

————–

Have a great day you all,

keep well, keep safe.

Later girls,

BB