Bookish Butch

Good morning every one,

hope you are well.

It’s grey and raining,

here in my beautiful ugly.

Just had a meeting/walk,

with my friend, Jenna.

So grateful for friends,

and community.

Yesterday, I had,

a regular work day.

Feels good to be back,

to some sense of normalcy.

I love the work I do,

the muscles it works,

the skills it requires,

but, most of all,

the difference it makes.

I had a lot of,

hard stuff,

to do,

in the past few weeks.

Most of it was,

for me,

to deal with.

My mother left her papers,

in order.

Things were time consuming,

and it’s hard to concentrate,

when you are tired,

and grieving,

but, I got it done,

with so much help,

from my friends,

I was cared for,

cooked for,

looked in on,

enveloped in love.

I was prayed for,

I was the recipient,

of such largesse,

I asked a few people,

to do things,

no one said,

No.

No one would accept money,

they all did it,

out of the goodness,

of their heart,

and said they were honoured,

to help in whatever way they could.

I have friends,

loving and generous friends,

who have always been there.

I also have the privilege,

of being a part of three,

church communities,

my former church,

St-Jax’s.

My present church,

Church of the Epiphany,

and the Supper Club,

community.

All three have given me,

so much,

the service, the music,

the recording of the funeral,

the emotional support,

the shoulders, and ears,

the food,

so much,

delicious and nutritious food.

In a time of covid,

where we cannot,

hug, touch,

each other,

I have been given so,

many hugs,

by so many wonderful,

people,

my atheist friends,

my humanist friends,

my Christian friends.

I have been hugged,

I have been held,

loved,

with chicken soup,

borscht,

casseroles,

pasta,

chicken parm,

sourdough bread,

oven ready chicken breasts,

hampers of food,

breakfast, lunch and supper,

vouchers and tabs,

I have been invited over for,

homecooked food,

comforting and nutritious.

I have received hundreds of,

calls, emails, texts, cards,

flowers, plants,

donations made,

in mom’s memory,

touching and spontaneous,

tributes.

One of the last things my mom,

said to me,

‘I know you will be ok, you are loved’

I give thanks for every last person,

who has held me up,

loved me, cared for me,

kept me in their thoughts,

listened to me go on,

kept me in their prayers.

Losing my mother,

is so hard.

But, this love has been,

a balm on my heart.

And now, I am ok.

I will keep grieving,

I will keep missing mom,

but, I will keep moving,

this is a new part of my life,

all the previous parts,

and the wonderful people,

who contributed to helping,

me to be me,

walk with me,

they are a part of me,

and one of the biggest parts,

is the living memory,

of a little woman,

named,

Marthe.

I know she rests in peace.

Thank you all.

Be well,

stay safe,

wear your masks.

Later girls,

BB

• 

Hello everyone,

it’s very early,

the sun isn’t up,

but, I have been,

for a while.

Mom has been gone,

for seventeen days,

today.

It’s so hard,

so many things to do,

so many changes to,

live,

through.

I woke up well before,

the sunrise,

the sun rises late,

in October,

it’s 6:05 AM and,

it’s still not up.

The sky is black,

the air is cold.

I miss mom,

so much,

and I feel teary,

at the thought of her,

but,

I know the time,

will come,

soon,

when I also will,

smile,

remembering,

the many things we,

shared,

the things that were ours,

as a family,

with my dad,

and the things that were,

just,

us.

The looks and jokes,

the food we cooked,

for each other,

our rituals,

our traditions.

This year has been,

so hard,

a year that will fall into,

the dark column,

in the final accounting,

of years.

And yet,

even in this bad year,

there are good things,

the people I’ve met,

my new job…

the love,

my friends,

my community,

have shown me,

in these dark days.

But, this,

this is,

the hardest part,

of a hard year.

Today is mom’s funeral.

I’ve been to funerals,

I’ve lived through funerals,

this is different.

There will never be another her.

She was/is loved.

Today,

I pick up mom’s ashes from,

the funeral home.

That is,

the hard stuff.

It’s a grey rainy day,

I am full of emotion,

feel on the edge of tears,

I have for days.

I don’t cry much,

it’s hard for me.

But, doing this,

the funeral home,

the phone calls,

the arrangments,

this is hard stuff,

but, my mom did,

the hard stuff,

always,

with grace and class,

and the best she could,

always,

and so do I.

She taught me that,

by example.

She was a great role model,

of what was right,

what you needed to do,

and of standing tall,

of doing the right thing,

not the easy thing,

of being true to,

yourself.

This is hard,

so hard,

but,

I will do it-

for mom.

Later girls,

BB

• 

It’s a beautiful,

Fall morning,

I love Fall,

but,

in the year,

that keeps on,

taking,

Fall is going to be,

hard.

A week ago,

I sat right here,

at my kitchen table,

and prepared to write,

a blog post about,

the hard things,

and then the phone rang.

It was the hospital,

saying I should come,

because mom,

had a bad night,

it was code for,

she’s dying.

The previous morning,

the geriatric doctor,

had explained to me,

that,

in spite of all their efforts,

all their tests,

they could not find,

what was wrong with mom,

that all her systems were,

shutting down.

I had spent the day with mom,

after they put her in a room,

we talked,

we told each other,

how much ,

we loved each other,

she kissed my hand,

she said she was ready,

I told her I would be ok.

I played Nana Mouskouri,

Le Temps Des Cerises ,

on my phone,

I said ,

remember mom?

She smiled, and nodded,

and we were both transported,

to a time when cars were,

big as living rooms,

and 8 track players,

provided the music on,

family drives and vacations.

Mom was in her 30’s ,

I was a kid,

my dad was alive,

we were a family,

a happy family.

Mom drifted off to sleep,

the pain meds were strong,

I spent the day,

by her bedside,

I read to her,

she would wake,

briefly.

In the evening,

around 9,

I went home,

I had to feed Georgie,

I had to sleep,

I had some toast,

watched tv,

talked to my friend,

on the phone,

went to bed.

And in the morning I got,

the call

Mom died,

a little after 12,

I was there,

I hope she knew that.

It’s hard.

A week of sympathies,

of arrangments,

of phone calls,

of prayers,

of bone tiredness,

of sadness.

I loved my mother,

she loved me,

we were there for each other.

And…

now she is gone,

she was a tiny woman,

she leaves a big hole.

She is resting in peace,

no one,

deserved it more.

I love you mom,

je t’aimes maman.

Thank you all for ‘listening’

Later girls,

BB

Hi everyone,

hope all is well,

with you all.

I am tired and busy,

but, fine.

Mom hasn’t been so,

terrific lately,

we aren’t quite sure,

what is going on,

but, we are consulting,

and doing all we can,

to keep her healthy,

and find out what is,

the source,

so we can solve,

the problem,

fingers crossed,

and prayers,

much appreciated.

It’s Fall,

and Fall,

is my favourite season,

the weather, the colours,

the textures, the smells,

the harvest, the bounty,

school, sweaters, boots,

windy walks.

I could live without,

the cold rain, but,

into every life,

a little rain must fall,

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven*

I have been thinking,

a lot lately,

a common condition, for me,

I have been thinking,

about love, commitment, marriage.

I have been thinking about,

how fast life goes,

and goes by,

it seems like yesterday,

my mom was my age,

and I was a woman of thirty.

Don’t get me wrong,

I don’t want to go back,

the knowledge and grey hair,

I have acquired ,

the people I have known,

and loved,

I wouldn’t change any of that,

the good and the bad,

because it’s my life,

I would,

perhaps,

slow it down,

I would give my mom,

her vim back,

but, would I?

I have no control,

over health or the aging process.

When I was younger,

I thought I had plenty,

of time.

I knew love,

I felt love,

I was loved,

but, I never lived for love.

I come from a long line,

of marrieds,

I believed in marriage,

I also knew marriage wasn’t easy,

or perfect,

it required work,

it required compromise,

it required a promise,

to love for the duration,

of your life,

no matter what,

funny, a lot of people,

commit to each other,

make babies,

have families,

but, don’t marry,

I always wondered,

about that,

is it less a commitment?

I don’t know about others,

but, for me,

it is,

less of a commitment.

Some of that is tradition,

some of that is religion,

but, lately,

I think,

I’ve had this conversation, with a few people,

it is about public acknowledgment,

it is about standing before,

my family, my friends,

before the law,

and yes,

before God,

and saying,

I love this woman,

I vow to do all in my power,

to,

protect her,

shelter her,

from the storms,

of life,

to make her laugh,

to help her be,

her best self,

always,

as she does the same for me,

I promise,

to cut her some slack,

I promise to always give her,

the best of me,

to dance with her,

to hold her tight,

to love her,

I promise to be hers,

forsaking all others,

’til I die.

I want that,

I long for that,

I will patiently wait,

’til we can both have that,

and that is a change,

not because I haven’t always,

wanted that but because,

I allowed myself to believe,

that I did not,

and that ain’t gonna happen no more.

This butch is and always has been,

the marrying kind.

Be well you all,

and thank you for indulging me.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

I hope all is well,

with all of you.

I have been busy,

work and all,

I have also been,

very social.

of late.

Catching up,

with friends,

touching base.

The weather has been all over,

the place so far this week,

hot, humid,

windy, raining.

Mom hasn’t been,

feeling great,

which always,

worries me.

Worrying is a useless activity, but, one at which I excel,I wish I didn’t but, it is what it is

So, I am trying right now,

to get as much done,

so that I can have,

four free days,

to shop and cook,

and spend time,

with mom and my friends.

I want to walk,

and feel the wind,

in my hair.

I want to think about,

the coming season,

reading,

preparing for my class,

getting my Fall stuff out,

figuring out what I have,

what I need.

I have boots, caps and jackets, but, I need sweaters.

So many new challenges,

at work,

at church,

my class,

starting up again,

my ongoing,

discernment process.

Getting ourselves prepped,

for what promises to be,

a long Winter,

unless all our collective, hopes and prayers,are answered,and a vaccine is found,before the end of 2020.

So I am in a pensive mood,

a common place for me,

but, I am happy,

I am thinking,

Fall..

and all that Jazz.

Stay safe,

wear your mask.

Be kind to yourselves.

Ciao for now,

and,

Later girls,

BB

p.s the picture? I like the guys sweater, thinking of getting one

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. ” Annie Dillard

I was washing dishes,

this morning,

the first of probably, six times , today,

and I,

was reminded of this quote.

I have never read,

The Writing Life by Annie Dillard,

in fact I have struggled with all,

of Dillard’s writing.

It’s good, damn good,

it’s also dense and challenging,

and sometimes,

dense and challenging,

are a little too much,

for my mood, my schedule.

And then I read that quote,

and I think…

will I have spent my time,

doing dishes,?

or scrolling on Facebook?

will I have spent my time,

standing in line?

waiting to get out of

and lately, into,

stores?

Thinking of,

rather than,

doing?

Will I have spent more time,

dreaming about,

being with,

that special someone,

rather than,

being with her?

Will I have spent,

too much time,

waiting?

will I have given up,

too soon?

Asking myself,

and others,

questions,

is a big part of my life,

no one would ever,

accuse me,

of living,

an unexamined life.

But, still I wonder..

am I spending my life washing dishes?

Food for thought.

Have a great one you all

Later girls,

BB

“There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by.”Annie Dillard

• 

Hello all,

Hope you are all,

well.

It’s been hot and muggy,

here,

in,

my beautiful ugly.

This weather is enough to,

drive a butch to drink!

I have just violated two of Elmore Leonard’s rules of good writing, I opened with the weather and I used an exclamation mark. Elmore Leonard is not a Canadian(the weather, National obsession) and he probably disapproves of the age of overuse of awesome, the use of ginormous and of course,the aforementioned exclamation mark. But, I digress

I have been writing, a lot.

Journaling, taking notes,

elaborating and jotting.

There are ideas for work,

that’s part of my job,

development.

There are blog ideas,

sketches for novels,

some old ones,

I am thinking of dusting off,

some new and shinny,

in need of patina.

This time of year,

is my most creative,

cooler weather will make it even more so

There is so much to do,

always.

I miss socializing,

getting out,

seeing my people,

seeing other people.

I really missed ,

Pride,

this year.

Online just isn’t the same.

Walking the streets,

hearing the sounds,

smelling the scents,

of the city,

sweet breeze,

and,

dust, diesel, garbage,

a city trio.

I don’t enjoy those smells,

but they are part of,

the whole,

part of the beautiful ugly.

The olfactory part.

I miss seeing people,

my people,

my gay/queer people,

of all shapes and sizes,

speaking many languages.

I miss,

the smell of,

sweet smelling dandies,

of the male or female,

or non-binary type.

I miss the shimmer of light,

bouncing off,

people’s shades and biceps.

So, no Pride this year for me,

heavy sigh,

but, I celebrated Pride,

otherwise.

I watched,

Gentleman Jack,

oh my,

such twists and turns,

and a lesbian living as close,

to free as one could,

in late 18 th century,

Halifax in Yorkshire, England.

This show is incredibly good,

well written, well played,

the chemistry between the actors,

all of them.

The English countryside,

the costumes,

Suranne Jones who I so loved in Scott & Bailey, plays the dashing and daring and divine Anne Lister, a butch icon.

I was transported in time,

and yet, I felt the very contemporary ness,

of gender,

the roles,

the fluidity,

the power which the dominant,

white males,

refuse to relinquish,

the complicitness of many women,

to keep others in ‘their place’,

and the courage to simply be,

who we are,

who we were meant to be,

whatever that may mean.

Also it’s just a great sexy story

🙂

It saved my Pride.

Thanks for reading.

Be well, stay safe,

wear your masks.

Love you all.

Later girls,

BB

Been quite a week.

Ups and downs.

I am feeling so much better,

tonight,

than I did on Monday night.

I had organized ,

what I hoped would be,

a fun event,

a black out poetry event.

I wanted to make it,

an inter-generational activity.

At the last ish minute,

the younger contingent,

had to back out.

Shit happens,

it’s no ones fault.

I have a tendency,

to take stuff,

personally,

also,

to beat myself up,

and over focus on,

my failings and limitations.

I think self-examination,

criticism even,

is essential to growth,

essential to,

empathy for others.

But, self flagellation,

leads to nothing,

it’s not worth it.

The next day,

we had the event,

it was a delight.

Talking and,

‘finding’ poetry,

with two ladies,

whose company I enjoy,

and whose journeys,

I respect.

I was in so much better a mood,

all the crap and doubt,

replaced by joy.

And yesterday,

the organization I work for,

had a book giveaway,

and I spent most of the day,

talking about books,

talking about literacy,

connecting with people,

who want to help others,

and make a difference.

I felt I was supporting,

some important work.

I felt like the work we do,

is vital to the health of,

the community.

and that is pretty much,

everything to me.

These last 3-4 years,

that I have spent,

being underemployed,

supporting mom,

and her supporting me,

meeting and connecting,

with so many people,

through church,

establishing myself,

in a whole new world.

At times it felt like,

it was all for naught,

but, clearly, it wasn’t,

I was acquiring new skills,

new relationships,

that were leading me to,

what I am doing now.

The discernment process,

is a long one,

and it is by no means,

finished.

I have asked myself,

so many times,

is this the way?

And then,

now,

some of the pieces,

have come together.

I have to learn to have,

more faith,

in God,

in the purpose,

in me.

Funny,

so many people,

believe in me,

help me,

support me and most days,

I’m good.

But, those other days,

I just gotta learn to believe in,

those who believe in,

me.

Thank you, all of you,

who came out,

who reach out,

who listen and support,

and believe,

who love.

It means way more than,

I can say.

and now I am going to watch tv,

with my mother.

Be well, stay safe,

wear your mask.

Later girls,

BB

Good morning everyone.

It is a lovely morning,

here in my beautiful ugly.

The sun is out,

a gentle breeze,

an incredible blue sky.

August is,

a pretty month,

still Summer, still hot,

but without,

the blazing heatwaves,

of July.

August is a month for,

corn roasts,

a month of pic nics,

of sitting in a lawn chair,

of walking in grass.

Once mid August hits,

it becomes,

a month looking to,

Fall.

Fall I dream of,

Winter I dread.

This year,

perhaps even more so.

I look forward to,

the crisp air,

of Fall,

the winds,

the colours,

I look forward to the return,

of my EFM class,

of Supper club,

I look forward to,

new projects,

new challenges,

new adventures,

I look forward to,

wearing,

my fall wardrobe.

My plaid,

my caps,

my boots,

my jeans,

my jackets.

I will miss,

the simplicity,

of Summer dressing,

t-shirts,

shorts,

sandals,

and sunscreen.

Since , I started,

wearing shorts,

a few years ago,

and sandals only,

last year,

I have enjoyed Summer,

there is lots to be said,

for loving yourself enough,

to let your legs and feet,

come out to play.

In my life,

Summer,

has been a time,

of self consciousness,

of not loving myself,

of being critical of my body.

I’m better now,

but I still feel happier,

in Fall attire.

I feel more confident,

I feel more attractive.

Once the weather cools,

I feel smarter.

It’s easier to concentrate.

In the Fall,

I miss going to school,

and I am glad that EFM,

satisfies some of my,

curiosity and thirst for,

discussion,

for knowledge,

for buying notebooks,

and school supplies.

I am ready,

for cooler weather,

for long walks,

without the fear of sunstroke.

I am ready for Fall.

These are my Sunday morning musings.

Be well you all.

Later girls,

BB