Bookish Butch

It’s a cold bright morning,

here in my beautiful ugly,

it’s often really cold on,

New Year’s eve.

It’s been an eventful year,

a year like no other.

But, really,

what year is like another?

Personally it’s been hard,

for a number of reasons,

as a person who thrives,

being around people,

wow, really hard.

Sure Zoom has been,

a Godsend but nothing,

is quite like spending time,

with people.

I managed to get,

my people fix,

by walking with a friend,

having dinner regularly,

with bff,

beer or coffee,

with my pal.

Most of us live alone,

have kept social distance,

or done outside walking.

But, it’s cold now,

that makes it harder to go out,

we want to cocoon,

but, we need the oxygen,

we need to move,

we need to go outside.

————————-

I miss my mother,

I miss the things about her,

I loved,

I miss the things about her,

that drove me crazy.

I miss her presence,

her voice,

I miss her opinions,

I miss the piles of newspapers,

I miss her bathrobe hanging,

on the hook,

on the bathroom door,

I miss her laughing at,

the Big Bang Theory,

I miss her backtalking to,

the news.

I miss her.

I miss kissing ,

the top of her head,

saying “you good, Ma?”

and her saying “sure”,

or “you worry too much”

My faith helps me,

I feel she is good.

I am really mostly ok.

The loss of mom,

the social changes,

hard stuff.

But, there has also been,

good things.

A job I really like,

personal growth,

deepening frienships,

knowing people better.

It’s been a year of endings,

and a year of beginnings.

A long term relationship,

ended,

a new relationship was born.

Ending a relationship,

always comprises,

hurt and sadness.

New relationships,

are exciting and challenging.

Long distance relationships,

are the hardest,

distance and creating,

intimacy are not easy,

miscommunications,

in a text, email, phone call,

are even more frequent,

than in person.

I am a hot head,

but, I am working on,

trying to figure out,

what makes me react,

the way I do.

In 2021,

I look forward to,

new work challenges and experiences,

I look forward to,

learning new things,

both personal and professional.

I will learn and play,

chess.

I will learn and play,

the ukulele.

I will journal,

I will colour,

I will assemble puzzles.

I might even try my hand at,

crossword puzzles.

I will continue to try,

and make the world,

a better more caring place.

I will await my vaccine,

with impatient patience,

and look forward to hugging,

my friends, my family.

I will continue to miss Marthe.

I will continue to be mystified,

and delighted by,

my chubby ginger cat,

Georgie.

Bring on the New Year,

goodbye to 2020,

thanks for the good and the bad,

lessons learned.

Be well you all,

stay warm,

stay safe,

stay home.

Much love.

Later girls,

BB

---

Today is Monday,

the 21 st of December 2020,

Christmas is,

only a few days away.

I am off from work,

I have been for a few days.

I am listening to,

Harry Belafonte sing,

I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day,

it’s a beautiful song,

sad, and yet,

hopeful.

This is how I feel,

this December,

sad, but hopeful.

Sad,

for all that,

this year has taken,

the most important,

for me,

the hardest part,

was,

is,

losing my mother.

But, this year,

has also given me,

a job,

a sense of purpose,

meeting wonderful people,

learning things,

skills,

and things about myself.

It has also been a year,

of new relationships,

of stronger bonds,

with old friends.

2020 has been a hard year,

it has taken much,

from all of us,

for some jobs,

livelihood,

for others,

the spontaneity and fun,

of living,

but, for so many others,

their health,

their loved ones,

their lives,

a hard year,

but all years are hard,

and all years have joy.

I miss mom,

more than I can say,

and Christmas,

will be very hard,

but,

Christmas will come,

and soon,

a New Year will dawn,

bringing with it a vaccine,

and the hope of,

fun and whimsy,

returning to our lives.

Stay safe friends,

don’t take silly risks.

A simple quiet Christmas,

is the way to go.

Be well.

Later girls,

BB

It’s cold and grey today,

fitting,

it is,

December 6 th.

In 1989 in my Montreal,

the city I love,

14 women were murdered,

for being women,

for being women,

who would become,

engineers.

An act of hate,

gender based violence.

I consider it,

the darkest day,

in my beloved city’s,

history.

It was more than,

30 years ago,

and yet, it feels like,

yesterday.

These women were,

my contemporaries,

snuffed out,

in the prime of their lives.

They were:

Geneviève Bergeron, Hélène Colgan, Nathalie Croteau, Barbara Daigneault, Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Haviernick, Maryse Laganière, Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay, Sonia Pelletier, Michèle Richard, Annie St-Arneault, Annie Turcotte and Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz.

I say their names.

It is really difficult,

this year,

the global pandemic,

the death of my mother,

the rising numbers,

Christmas celebrations,

changed,

no large gaterings,

no small gatherings,

and yet,

…

I have so much to be grateful for.

Friends,

great friends,

supportive friends,

who make me laugh,

who make me think,

a wonderful woman,

an amazing faith community,

I am surrounded by love.

I have a job,

that I love,

I am teaching myself,

new things,

I am setting goals,

I am trying my best to,

make a difference,

I am choosing to be happy.

I will deliver and mail,

my gifts,

I will talk to people,

I love,

whichever way I can.

No-one has cancelled,

Christmas,

it will be different,

so that next year,

we can hug, touch, cherish each other,

live, in person.

In the meantime,

stay home,

watch some Netflix,

play some loud music,

read an excellent book,

and choose to be happy,

because it is a choice.

Be well,

stay safe,

wear your masks.

Later girls,

BB

Hello all,

I hope you are well and safe.

It is Sunday,

a grey cold humid,

November Sunday.

I am glad November is,

almost over.

I am getting ready for,

Christmas,

have bought most of the gifts,

I will be buying,

a small list.

I am looking forward to,

some time off over the holidays,

me and a good book,

me and a cup of tea,

time.

I will see some friends,

I will be going to church,

on Christmas eve.

I will not be participating,

in celebration of more than,

four people.

All the people I will,

be celebrating with,

live on their own.

The celebrating will,

be quiet,

I like quiet.

I miss the people,

who are gone,

the ones who were,

my clan,

the lovely, the smart, the generous,

the difficult, the controversial,

my grand-papa, my grand-maman,

my dad,

my beloved, mother.

They are all gone.

I am an orphan,

I suppose that sounds,

ridiculous,

to some,

a fifty-five year old,

mostly silver haired,

orphan.

But they were,

the people who I come from,

my blood, my DNA,

I have no blood siblings,

I have beloved cousins,

an aunt, an uncle,

and the best friends,

there are.

This year, with the recent loss,

of my mom,

I miss them all so much.

But, I am who I am,

because of them,

the love, the nurturing,

the lessons learned,

softly and more harshly,

they all did the best they could,

always,

and like all of us,

they made mistakes.

Cherish your people,

while they are here,

remember them when,

they are gone,

their memory,

try not to embellish,

to idolize,

real people are flawed.

real people are imperfect.

The holidays are hard,

don’t beat yourselves up,

about what you can and cannot do,

just love and cherish each other,

and we can all do that,

from afar,

love is not only about being,

together.

So many of my loved ones,

will not be with me,

and yet,

I love them still,

always,

Be well, you all,

stay safe.

Later girls,

BB

Hello everyone,

I hope all is well with you.

It’s been a busy week,

A lot of my mental space,

has been taken up with,

giving mom’s things away.

Coordinating, sorting,

feeling very strong emotions.

The clothes went well,

so many people need.

I tried to match people,

with things,

that belonged to mom,

giving new life,

to stuff,

to things.

Some things are easy,

to get rid of,

they were things,

mom bought,

impulsively,

that she hardly wore,

those are easy.

The hard things are,

the things she loved,

that she wore a lot,

that she really,

considered,

deliberated about,

before buying,

sweaters she had,

and wore,

for years.

Things,

that people,

she loved,

gave her,

pins and scarves.

But by far,

the hardest part,

has been going through,

papers and photos,

things,

that were private,

that were,

hers.

Some of the things,

she kept and why,

I have no clue,

others,

I look at,

and,

can imagine,

a 1957 small agenda, with quotes, from the books she had, been reading, phone numbers, that weren’t all numerical, why this and not another?

Stuff, things,

sure,

not all of them,

significant,

still,

it is her stuff,

her things.

Later this morning,

my cousin,

is coming,

get some furniture,

some stuff,

some things.

These things,

will live on,

elsewhere,

be utilitarian,

and perhaps,

hopefully remind,

people,

of the woman,

who used,

to own them,

remind them of,

Marthe.

Be well, you all,

stay safe,

wear your masks.

Later girls,

BB

In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan
Earth stood hard as iron
Water like a stone
Snow had fallen
Snow on snow on snow-Gustav Holst

Winter is coming.

Before you say it,

I agree,

Winter is beautiful.

The sunlight,

bouncing off,

the snow,

the muted,

noise of the city.

Wearing our,

favourite scarves.

Advent,

Christmas,

mulled wine,

hygge,

fleece,

wool,

Glerups,

plaid,

carols,

hymns,

seeing friends,

snuggling with Georgie,

reading,

reading,

reading,

walking in the snow.

I am getting my mind,

ready for Winter,

I am making my nest,

mine.

I am piling books.

I am investigating,

new devotionals,

I am looking into,

exercise videos,

and vegan soup,

recipes,

I am,

going to acquire,

walking poles,

snow pants,

and a SAD lamp.

It will be a sad,

holiday season,

it will be hard to,

visit family and even,

friends,

but, I will try new things,

I will invite my bff,

to play board games,

I will spend Christmas eve,

evening in bed,

with a new book,

and share that experience,

with a special someone.

I don’t like Winter,

but, I have learned to,

appreciate kale,

Rooibos,

and even,

squash,

I can learn to like,

Winter,

I can use it as a time of,

rejuvenation.

I come from Winter people,

coureur des bois,

Scottish millworkers,

Hungarian machinists,

tough,

hard working,

people.

I can do Winter,

I will do Winter.

Be well,

stay safe, wear your masks.

Love you all,

Later girls,

BB

p.s to my American sisters and brothers, I am with you in this momentous time, Godspeed.

Good morning everyone,

it’s been a week since my last post.

I am up early, before the sun.

I have a busy day ahead.

I am grateful for busy days.

I am getting lots done,

and other things are hard.

Concentrating on readings,

for my class,

is hard,

going through mom’s things,

giving them away,

really hard.

Her hoodies,

her corduroy pants,

her bags,

her sweaters.

My mom had nice things,

not luxury,

good things,

practical but with flair.

I have given lots of her,

clothes away,

winter boots and sweaters,

jackets, raincoats,

mom would be happy to know,

that people will be getting,

good use out of her things,

some of these people,

need a hand,

some just have an appreciation,

of nice things.

There is a massive void,

in my life,

my mother,

who used to sit reading,

the paper,

who used to comment,

on the news,

and talk to the television,

the small woman in the big chair,

she is no longer here,

her ashes are in an urn.

I know, this is true.

We had a beautiful funeral,

I have received a death certificate,

I know it’s true.

But, sometimes,

I feel like she is here.

I don’t mean she lives,

in my heart or memories,

of course she does.

I mean I go into the living room,

and expect to see her.

Mom was fond of saying:

‘Old age is hard on old people’

I have no doubt that is true.

I would also say,

Grief is hard on the grieving.

Working through it,

learning to deal with,

the void.

Have a great day everyone,

stay safe,

wear your mask.

Later girls,

BB

Good morning all.

October, a little dark,

a little grey,

blue skies,

fiery colours.

October is a month,

of highs,

of lows,

October is all about,

the changeability,

of life.

October is beautiful,

October is miserable.

This October,

has been,

glorious,

and ,

dreary.

I am super busy,

work,

class,

church related activities.

I’m busy,

I’m tired,

and I am sad,

I often feel overwhelmed,

so many decisions,

decisions,

made more complicated by,

Covid.

I have been questionning,

everything.

Someone,

who is supremely,

important to me,

suggested counselling,

so I spoke with my,

wonderful pastor,

asked her to recommend,

someone,

she did,

I booked an appointment.

To be clear:

I am fine,

I need help,

I need to talk,

it is how I process,

talking to friends,

is not the same,

they are involved,

they can’t be objective,

they should not,

feel burdened.

My whole life has changed.

I’m busy,

which is good,

and I am working on,

stuff.

I might write less,

I might write more,

just keeping you all,

in the loop

Later girls,

BB

It’s raining, it’s grey,

it’s been a month,

since my mom,

died.

It’s not always hard,

I am sad,

I am tired,

and sometimes,

concentrating is,

more than I can handle.

But, I am getting used to,

the quiet, the solitude.

and then I do laundry,

I wash her bathrobe,

to give away,

and I empty the pockets of,

used kleenex,

and I lose it,

my mom is gone.

I know she’s gone,

I also know,

she lived a full life,

loved, was loved,

I know she didn’t like,

being old.

I miss her.

A part of me,

is gone.

I think that happens,

when you get older,

you’ve lost,

a whole bunch of,

parts,

You have hollows,

where you were once full.

But,

love never dies-

I don’t think,

it lives on,

in your heart,

in the air you breathe.

I miss you mom,

tu me manques maman

Later girls,

BB

Good morning all.

Happy Sabbath.

It is a,

luminous day,

here in,

my beautiful ugly.

I am having tea,

my second cup,

reflecting on,

the last few weeks,

looking towards,

the next,

little while.

I am also looking,

to the future,

the capital F,

future.

Making,

definitive plans,

is never a great idea,

after suffering a loss,

as big,

as the one I have recently,

had.

I need to make,

the flat,

my own.

Which involves,

much sorting,

giving away,

deciding what to keep.

As an only child,

I have the advantage,

of making all decisions,

and,

the disadvantage,

of making all decisions.

My mom is still very much,

everywhere in the flat,

and I am not ready,

to change that,

right away.

I miss her,

and I am learning,

to make the space,

mine,

to make it my home,

rather than our home.

It will take time,

everything from,

which you grow,

takes time.

It is,

thanksgiving weekend,

mom and I never made,

a big deal of it.

I am thankful for all I have,

and all I have been given.

I am also sad,

and I need to feel that.

I am not complaining,

everyone lives through grief,

and trying to force,

the emotions,

the feelings,

away,

never works.

I am tired,

these last two years,

have been hard.

And yet,

I can’t say,

how grateful,

I am that I was able to be there,

with mom,

that we got through,

the hard stuff together.

She gave every last bit of love,

she had,

and shared herself with me.

We knew each other.

Many people have,

referred to my mother,

as my best friend,

that isn’t what it was,

we knew each other,

not in that way,

she was always,

my mother,

and I was her daughter.

I have friends,

a best friend,

even,

it is a special bond,

almost impossible,

to define,

kind of like love,

and chemistry.

My mother and I had,

a rarefied bond,

full of intense love,

and moments,

of really not getting each other.

We each at different periods,

of our lives,

carried each other,

we never resented it.

We may have been impatient,

to be fair that was mostly me,

but, no resentment,

and certainly no,

regrets.

What a great privilege,

I was given.

Be well everyone.

Count your blessings,

wear a mask.

Later girls,

BB