Hello you all,
hope all is well in your part of the world.
The weather has been hard to take, here, in my beautiful ugly,
which is to be expected it being January and all.
Cold, Grey sunless skies, ice, snow, gloomy weather.
I have been afflicted by a combination of ,
and rage, lately, quite the team.
I feel tears coming on, twelve times a day,
and seething rage…probably as often.
I don’t cry except while watching movies or pampers commercials,
it isn’t an ‘I don’t want to’ kind of thing, it’s a ‘I can’t’ kind of a thing,
I wish I could, it would make things easier,
I would cry,
get rid of the pent up,
and move on.
I do get angry, I rant, I seethe, I mosltly walk it off,
but, not always, I get impatient,
with my mom, with my cat, with the people I love,
like anything going wrong in my life is their fault.
I get impatient, I get angry, I can’t say what I mean,
it comes out garbled, it creates conflict,
it creates hurt, it creates more silence from those,
who I so desperately want to talk to, hear from, share with.
Someone like me, someone who prides herself,
on communicating is doing a mostly crap job at it,
I feel paralysed with heartpain, with loneliness.
I have always had friends, I still do,
I think I overburden them in my desperation to talk,
I end up going on about the crap in my life, I catch myself,
and try to bring it back to the positive,
and there is tons of positive, from the sweet messages I receive, to the hand delivered mince pies, to thoughtful gifts from people I barely know, party invites , taken to Broadway shows, invited to brunches and coffees and on and on,
I am blessed and I am loved ,
and I am,
It isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s circumstance,
maybe it’s me being weird(a distinct possibility)
I have spent most of my adult life,
talking, to customers, clients, colleagues,
and now, well, I don’t work,
the cat isn’t much of a conversationalist,
and my mother,
went to the Gary Cooper school of self expression,
Yup, Nope, I don’t know.
It is hard , I feel rivers of words raging to get out,
when I can, converse, I feel I overdo it, I talk too much,
I babble, I bore people, or fear I do, so I hold back,
and feel bad.
Last year, an acquaintance who I hoped,
would become a friend said I was never happy,
it wounded me, so much, I could have cried,
I had opened myself in the hopes of sharing, connecting,
I probably was being a bore, so I stopped talking.
My blog, has always helped me…get it out.
I can’t afford therapy, this is close as I get.
I share it on my facebook etc, so that, those of you,
who feel the hurt, the loneliness, the rage,
and occasional what the f*** am I going to do,
you aren’t alone.
p.s. please don’t feel you have to pep talk me or find me a solution, really. But, thank you