In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago. traditional hymn based on a poem by Christina Rosetti
This time of year is most difficult for me,
from November to Christmas.
It is bleak, dark, cold, all is shades of grey,
I am grey.
I get more cheerful at Christmas and,
feel a surge of optimism as,
the New Year approaches.
Fact is: I dislike Winter and when I am unhappy,
I am most unhappy in Winter.
I can hear the pro Winter types now,
you need to embrace Winter,
you need to get outside,
I have this to say: you like Winter?
I am happy for you.
I have lived in a Winter,
snowy, slushy, black ice,
cold, very cold, f****** cold, city ,
my whole life,
I think I know a thing or two,
and you know…I don’t like it.
I think snow is pretty,
I have a warm coat and boots,
but, I don’t like it,
I bear it and,
I dream of escaping it,
I will bear it another Winter,
but, this new decade,
this I am excited and optimistic about.
It’s been a rough year, exhausting, physically and emotionally,
and for all of you who have been there with me, with us,
I need to do something different,
I am happy with the class I am taking,
I am happy about things I have done,
this past year,
Alpha at my new church,
working for elections canada,
helping out with the Charter Poets,
staying home with mom,
helping her recover,
but, she is recovered and now,
I have to get going.
I had hoped to work with my church,
but, I don’t think that will be,
I will continue to volunteer,
and be a member of the community,
but, I need a paying job,
one that is flexible,
that allows time to take mom,
to doctors appointments etc.
It needs to be part time,
it needs to produce decent income.
I may need to make my own job,
A few years ago, around my fifties,
I learned to say-No.
I have let that slip in the last few years,
I have made compromises,
that I thought were necessary,
I had no choice!
That isn’t true,
we always have choices,
we need to choose ways,
that don’t make us sick,
that don’t leave our stomach,
in constant knots.
We need to choose our truth,
love and friendship,
not close enough facsimiles.
We need to live our lives,
not what others or society,
think our lives should be.
We need to listen to the deep yearnings,
of our hearts, our souls,
we need to believe in ourselves,
in what we are called to do,
even if we aren’t quite sure,
what that is
So although it is the bleak midwinter,
and this is a bit of a rant of the same old same old,
I feel ok, I am moving forward.
Please don’t worry,
but, thank you for caring.
My lordGod, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.Nor do I really know myself …Thomas Merton Lead Me
I figure if Merton, a brilliant, accomplished and Godly man, could be confused, so can I, so can you.
Have a great one,