November is over!

Hello All,

November is finally over,
yes!!

December is a much better,
if colder and more,
expensive,
month.

Bring it on.

Let it be resolved,
that for the next,
month and a bit,
I will indulge,
in,
NO OVERTHINKING
there!
it is said for all,
to see,
to read.

All you my friends,
my family,
my acquaintances,
my readers,
know this about me,
I am a thinker,
that is who I am,
it is neither,
a good or a bad thing,
it just is,
one might even say,
it is what it is.
But, aside,
from being a thinker,
I am also an,
over thinker,
and,
that isn't good.
It stops me from taking,
action,
it stifles,
my ambitions,
it drives my loved ones,
insane.
I obsess,
I over analyse.
This is especially bad,
when I am unhappy,
when I am searching,
for the next thing.

A new year is about to dawn.
I have decided,
that this is the year,
I start the next big thing.
I have narrowed it down to,
three possibilities,
all are creative endeavours,
all interest me,
intensely,
immensely.
I will devote myself to,
one of them,
starting at the end of January,
and intend,
that by December,
I will have a finished,
project,
no matter what.

That is my resolution.

For the month of,
December and the first days,
of January,
I don't over think,
I work,
I share,
I breathe,
I walk,
I love,
I experience,
I do not search,
I let experience,
come to me,
present itself,
I will be reading,
going to films,
listening to music,
watching tv,
art exhibits,
museums,
conversing with good,
smart interesting,
people,
I will be living my life,
without dissecting,
everything.

There will be no obsessing,
no overthinking.

I need to break that.

Move on from the hurt,
the fear,
the paralysis.
Move.

I have been inspired by,
the musical,
Hamilton,
it's story,
it's creation,
it's actors, 
dancers,
singers,
great art,
lifts us,
inspires us,
in sometimes,
surprising,
unexpected ways.

I wish you all,
a wonderful weekend.

Will be back
on Monday

Later girls,
BB




A really good day

Hope all is well,
with all of you.
Saturday, 
was a really good day,
for me.

I took my mom out for dumplings,
in Chinatown.
They were delicious,
she loved them.
The weather was great,
we walked and,
walked some more.

Up to Ste-Catherine, 
went to the Bay,
she loved the Topshop line.

We kept going,
and, 
nipped into Simmons,
she bought us some hats.
I got a terrific,
Rains (Danish brand) rain hat,
and,
she got a cute straw trilby.

We had coffee at our favourite,
Starbuck's.
Enjoyed each other's company.

We got back on the metro(subway)
and headed out to the Pointe,
an old Montreal neighbourhood,
very close to our own Verdun.
The Pointe has working class,
tough roots,
but,
it has gentrified quite a bit,
in recent years,
as has Verdun.

The place we went to,
The Pointe St-Charles Art School,
is absolutely wonderful,
a glorious vibe.
We went for an art exhibit.
My friend Ken,
had some photographs on display.

We met some delightful people.
We ran into one of mom's cousins,
her eldest cousin,
she and her husband are almost,
ninety,
they were out supporting,
their niece's husband.
That totally rocks.

A former client of mine,
was there,
I never knew her name,
she was a client,
but,
we were chatting and I asked her name...
she has the same name as my surgeon,
the one who removed my alien.

Chatted with a charming woman,
about running and creative outlets,
she introduced me to her friend,
who was exhibiting some drawings,
they had things to say.

I had a great time.
Mom had a great time.

It helped me to have,
even more,
resolve,
as far as social occasions,
and,
community involvement,
are concerned.

I need more,
in terms of creative stimulation,
I need to meet more people,
and,
spend more time,
with my friends, my family.
I need to banish the ugly,
the negative,
accentuate the positive,
not live in a world of illusion,
but,
contribute,
make a difference,
for me as well as others.

It was a really good day.

Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB







Red wine and stretch jeans

Hello all, 
hope you are feeling,
chipper and spry.
Did your favourite groundhog,
give your wished for...prognosis?
Prediction?
Psychic reading?
Here's hoping.

Here,
in the beautiful ugly,
it is mild, damn mild,
sucker you in to thinking,
it's Spring,
mild.
I say,
enjoy it while it lasts.
You won't hear me,
bitching,
about a lack of snow.
Snow in the city,
is pretty for a half hour,
after that,
it's a nuisance.
For you,
outdoorsy Winter frolicking types,
my sympathies,
for the rest of us,
woo hoo!!

February is here and that's means,
no matter what the groundhog,
predicts...
Spring,
isn't far behind.
Far and soon,
are relative concepts.
One person's soon is,
another person's far.

I'm feeling good,
for the weirdest reasons,
off the top of my head,
I would say:
red wine and stretch jeans.

I read an article:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/people-who-drink-alcohol-outlive-those-who-abstain-study-shows-8995879.html

also, I know drinking red wine,
is good for you, 
your heart etc
and, 
I have discovered...
better late than never,
that I actually love,
red wine.
So, for the past few weeks,
I have been picking up,
a bottle of red at our state run,
liquor stores,
I have few guidelines
it must be under $10 dollars,
and,
it has to:
speak to me,
name, label, region,
any and all of the above.
something.
Two weeks ago it was,
a big bold Italian,
last week, a Spanish wine.
What this week brings,
I do not know,
but, there is always,
a vast selection,
even with my broke butch,
budget and criterion.
I have one glass with dinner,
occasionally,
after a really rough, frustrating day,
two.
I feel better,
I digest better,
I feel less stress,
and,
I am less cranky,
win, win, win, win.

Next week,
I am taking a two day class,
paid for by the office,
a CPR and rescue course,
You spend a lot of time,
bent over a mannequin.
I thought it would be important,
to be comfortable,
also,
I did not want to show one iota,
of butt crack,
I don't have an ounce of plumber in me.

I am not the most conventional of people,
but,
I do not consider,
sweatpants and or yoga pants,
appropriate attire,
aside from,
working out and or lounging,
I did make an exception,
when recovering from surgery,
last year.
I'll wear hoodies, flannel shirts etc,
I work in a very informal setting,
and,
the world is a more and more,
informal place,
which has it pros and cons.
but, I draw the line at,
sweatpants to work.

So, I had to figure something out.
I know that lots of women,
wear stretch jeans,
but, I'm a butch,
I don't do girl jeans.
A few months ago,
I had seen posters,
all over American Eagle,
promoting these flex jeans,
of theirs.
Yesterday, I thought I would try,
some on, to see.

Oh my,
game changers.
As I slipped them on,
I wondered,
where have these jeans,
been all my life?
Yes, they are that comfortable,
they are also nice,
and, although not cheap,
very reasonable,
second pair was half off.
Remains to be seen,
how long they will last,
but,
it is bound to be better,
than my Old Navys,
whose crotch blew after,
six months.
No more Old Navy jeans for me,
they are cheap but...
I have some awesome Gaps,
slim fit,
and now.
these stretches,
from American Eagle,
I think I am covered.

Learning new things,
discovering new things,
experimenting new things,
even when they are,
as silly,
as being giddy over new jeans,
keeps you going.

Enjoy what's left of the Winter,
maybe even get out and shake,
your booty, groove thing,
or butt
:-)

Be well.

Later girls



Another new year

Well, I am a little late to wish you all a Happy New Year...

The New Year has been around for almost three weeks.
Here's hoping ringing it in and,
the first few weeks have
been golden,
for all of you.

I'm doing well, feeling a little cold,
January is the frigid portion of the calendar.

I had nice, quiet holidays, managed a few days off,
both at Christmas and New Year's,
spent time with loved ones.
Was spoiled and spoiled a few people as well.
Got some lovely books, new bag, gloves, yoga mat
(yes, my friends you read that right!! )

The year so far,
fine,
work is fine,
health is A1-
(saw my surgeon for the last time on Friday.
Fit as a fiddle:-)
Gained some weight over the last few months,
bigger appetite and some 
overindulgence, then the holidays, 
also it would appear my thyroid is a factor as well.
I am waiting for a scan for the thyroid, 
no real worries there, runs in the family, easily,
controlled, we'll see.
Trying to eat less 
and,
doing some planking, strengtening the core and working on
building a slimmer, stronger butch.

I am in a decent place right now,
creativity isn't at it's peak but,
I am building and tearing down and building, again
this is how it works for me,
lots of the building and tearing down goes on,
inside,
my imagination, my mind.
Sharing and experimenting photos on instagram
check me out bookishbutch@instagram

I haven't been reading loads but, I have been,
slow steady pace.
mostly, I am enjoying my life, spending time with friends,
ladies hockey games, movies,
Mom and I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens,
she loved it, I enjoyed it,
a good New Year's day movie.

Today I am going to see Carol,
the Cate Blanchet film based on,
Patricia Highsmith's novel,
The Price Of Salt,
I am not usually a fan of Highsmith's,
too dark and cynical,
for my taste but, I loved this book

here is an appreciation from the early 
years of the blog, be careful may contain spoilers:-)
The Price Of Salt-An Appreciation
I will write soon, I feel the period of cogitation, is about to end. Be well, all the best. Later girls, BB

As I get older…

Good Christmas Eve to all of you,
whether you celebrate it,
or not. 
The sentiment is there anyway.
Peace on earth,
good will towards all.

The older I get, the more I appreciate the family I was born into.
The older I get, the more I realize the blessings of friendship.
The older I get, the more I miss certain people.
The older I get, the more I know that love is the most important part of,
everything.

At this time of year, I miss my grandmother and grandfather,
so much. I wish I could tell them what their example of grace and good humor, hard work and sacrifice, has meant in my life. They were good people, hard working and smart, kind and generous.

I miss my father, who could be terrible at the holidays, but, who was never boring. Charming and gregarious, dark and sarcastic, too.
I realize, now, that demons from your past are awakened at Christmas and that isn't peoples fault. 

I miss my friend Francoys. He disliked the consumerism and he would never consider, celebrating the baby Jesus:-) But, he was kind and jovial and the most hospitable of hosts.
My life is forever changed because of his loss.

I miss them all, but, those I still,
have,
are just as wonderful.

My mother the little ball of energy, 
what would I do without her?
My friend Helene and her wonderful mother, family for so many years.
My aunt, my uncle, my wonderful cousins and little baby cousins.

My health is good, my mind is strong, I have the woman of my dreams,
in my life.

Let us not quibble about things we cannot control,
distance,meaneness,
let us concentrate on loving each other
let us be grateful for all that we have,
and,
remember the good times.

From me to you,

Merry Christmas

Be well

Later girls,

BB




What it means to me

Chilly morning, here in the beautiful ugly

Hope you are all well and keeping warm.

It will be Christmas very shortly,
I've been thinking about that,
 what Christmas,
means,
to me.

I have a work colleague,
he's strange,
not a bad egg,
just strange,
needs to talk, be listened to,
we all do,
some of us,
more than others.
I seem to attract people,
who need to talk,
who need to be loved,
I somehow fill a need,
a void,
that is a good thing,
although,
it can occasionally be,
a load,
a burden,
anyway,
enough with the dollar store,
psychology
:-)

This colleague,
he is Jewish and French
(as in, from France)
He wants to know what I think,
about things,
not quite sure why,
but,
he says provocative or controversial things,
and,
waits for my reaction.

This week it was about,
Christmas and how it is,
about the birth of Christ,
hmm.
This can be very controversial,
in
A) a post Catholic society
B) a work place filled with Muslims
etc
of course,I also understand that as a Jew,
Christmas time must be a royal pain in the a..
for him

So, it got me thinking,
while I was explaining,
that to me,
Christmas wasn't much about the birth of Jesus.
Then again...

To me,
Christmas is about family,
about good will to others,
and,
yes, I guess about real 'Christian' principles.
I am not a Christian,
nor anything other than an agnostic,
a total fence sitter,
when it comes to religion.

I hate,
all that has been done in the name,
of religion,
of God,
but,
I am no atheist,
I have no certainty,
about the existence of God,
nor about the lack of one.

I envy people who have faith,
I respect their commitment and belief.
I despise it when people,
try to shove their beliefs down my throat,
and,
I am pretty much always willing to listen,
to peoples beliefs,
but,
if their beliefs involve the disrespect,
of the beliefs of others,
indeed the persecution of others,
hatred instead of love,
ignorance instead of openness,
they lose me.

I'm no saint, but, I do listen

I envy people of faith because,
to me they are positive and romantic,
notions,
and,
I always prefer optimistic viewpoints,
I am not quite an optimist myself,
but,
I do believe,
in the inherent good in people.
I am lucid,
I see bad and ugly,
but,
although I do not bury my head in the sand,
and look away,
I dislike wallowing in ugly,
and,
taking the cynical and complacent route,
everything is bad,
everything sucks,
we are doomed.

I don't believe that,
I refuse to believe that.

So, to me,
Christmas is about taking a break,
smiling at each other,
exchanging good will,
eating,
drinking,
being merry,
charging our batteries,
in the warm embrace of whatever,
is most important to us,
family,
friends,
faith,
and going on fighting the good fight that is,
life

Be well, you all

Later girls,
BB

I’ve been reading…

Hello you all,

we had another heat wave,

last week,

I am just now,

recovering.

ouf,

I hate the hot,

humid,

sweaty heat.

It’s over now,

it’s gorgeous,

hot,

not sticky,

Summer,

end of Summer.

I’ve been reading,

again,

what a relief:-)

got all the way through,

Media Control: The Spectacular Achievements Of Propaganda,

by Noam Chomsky,

small book,

a series of talks he gave.

Much easier to get through,

than his more scholarly offerings,

it was most illuminating,

and,

infuriating.

The war against the people by the powers that be, well worth reading and looking into, next I am taking on Howard Zinn.

Perfect read to accompany,

the Canadian Federal Election.

My night time,

before bed,

reading,

is,

Alison Bechdel’s ,

Are You My Mother?

A brilliant and dense read,

that requires,

taking your time,

absorbing,

both the words and the drawings,

symbolism,

on so many levels,

it’s brilliant,

nothing she does is not brilliant to me,

nothing.

Funny, the other day,

I saw a story,

on Face Book,

about how some,

freshman students,

had refused to read Fun Home,

her graphic memoir about her dad, on his closeted homosexuality, that has since been turned into a Tony award winning musical.

because it didn’t represent,

their beliefs.

Wow,

this wasn’t at,

Oral Roberts University,

this was Duke!!

Gobsmacked, as the Brits say.

Why the hell do you go to College,

if not to expand your world view??

How much,

mysoginistic and racist crap,

do we read,

in the course of our education?

The purpose of attending,

Colleges/Universities,

is to expand your world view,

your mind,

push yourself,

bring into question the stereotypes,

the unquestioned ‘beliefs’,

part of the propaganda that Chomsky ‘speaks’ of but, also the myths and folklore and indoctrination of- family, of ethnicity and social class and standing, amongst other barely questioned , beliefs

learn about the world,

about yourself,

grow,

well,

that’s what I think,

but,

I am frequently told,

I am naive,

and I never graduated from College,

so what do I know??

🙂

I know that reading Fun Home,

or anything by Alison Bechdel,

is funny and thoughtful.

This I know.

My metro,

our name for a subway here in the beautiful ugly 

read,

is a spy thriller,

by Graham Greene,

Stramboul Train,

takes place on the Orient Express,

between the World Wars,

from Ostende to Constantinople.

It is a small  portable book,

fits in the backpack without,

too much weight,

easily bookmarked when arriving,

at my stop,

you can pick up and leave off,

without too much difficulty.

Peopled with,

all kinds of interesting characters,

I’m pretty sure those,

Duke freshman,

wouldn’t read it,

there is a lesbian journalist,

a chorus girl,

and,

any number of sketchy characters.

I like it,

it has it’s anachronisms,

but,

I don’t hold that against it.

Be well,

stay well.

Later girls,

BB

bookshops and peaches and a longed for anarchist

Hello you all,

hope you are well,

we have just been through,

a horrible heat wave,

here,

in the beautiful ugly,

scorcher,

but,

it only lasted a few days.

With August,

just around the corner,

we might have another one or two,

of these deep heat periods,

but,

soon,

Fall,

will be upon us.

I love Fall:-)

Since my operation,

and,

the resulting weight loss,

I feel the heat,

less,

I mean,

everyone feels ,

forty degrees celsius,

but,

I suffer,

less,

having given up smoking,

I also don’t feel winded.

I find myself,

enjoying the Summer,

the laziness of it,

it is almost,

like when I was a child,

and,

had my Summers,

to myself.

I work but,

not that many hours,

I can walk around,

bask in the sun,

think,

take pictures.

One thing I haven’t done much of,

is,

read.

This makes no sense,

I have time and opportunity to read,

outside on my balcony,

in the park,

traveling on public transit to work,

but,

the urge isn’t there,

I still read,

but,

so much less than I used to,

in the past week,

I have been wondering,

why?

I’ve had internet for years,

I can’t blame that,

so I wonder,

what?

When I had,

my bookstore,

I had to,

and,

wanted to,

read,

I read current things,

and,

things I had on the shelves,

I was always acquiring new books.

Since I closed it,

I read less, much less,

I still have,

a ton of unread books,

in the house,

my girlfriend and friends,

have sent me books,

lent me books,

I have bought books,

and,

yet…

This week,

two flashes of feeling,

may have put me on the trail of,

why does BB read less?

I felt a big ache in my heart,

so to speak,

when people shared info,

on their Face Book page,

about the used bookstore that will be opening,

on Wellington st,

here in my Verdun neighbourhood.

I should be happy about it,

having our own used bookstore again,

patronizing a place of books,

a member of the ‘tribe’,

and,

in a way,

I am,

I wish the young man opening it,

nothing but good fortune,

and,

sales.

I can’t help also,

feeling,

hurt at it.

I know,

it’s ridiculous,

I chose to close the store,

and,

it was the only decision I could make,

but,

the sense of loss,

of…

failure,

lingers.

That isn’t a good feeling.

So, when people say,

isn’t it great we are getting a bookstore? 🙂

part of me thinks,

“damn right’,

and,

part of me thinks,

“damnit, we had a bookstore”.

the other feeling that,

put me on a trail,

of why I am reading less:

Ontario peaches.

What??

You see,

my friend, the anarchist,

loved Ontario peaches,

as much as mom and I,

Ontario peaches remind me of him.

When I had the bookstore,

Francoys would stop in,

every night to say,

Hi and chat and smoke and talk of books,

and,

everything under the sun,

he would often have stopped at,

the fuit store, the grocery store,

the cheese shop…

and,

he would buy Ontario peaches,

as soon as they came out.

He would usually eat,

the entire basket in one evening,

two evenings if he wasn’t hungry

We usually had a peach,

right there,

in the bookstore or rather,

on the stoop.

The first basket is never the best,

but,

even ‘not the best’ Ontario peaches,

are still better than most things,

they signal the time of great harvest,

the time of delicious and rejuvenating,

food,

harvest,

right before Fall,

a magical time.

My heart hurt,

again a little,

when,

mom brought

home,

the basket of peaches,

I miss Francoys,

so much.

I read less,

since I closed my bookstore,

and,

since I lost Francoys.

I miss him,

I miss it,

maybe reading more,

will take some of the dull ache,

that persists,

away..

maybe.

I’ll have to sit with that,

a spell.

Be well,

all of you,

enjoy the Summer.

This weekend,

I am going to the Highland Games,

with my mom,

hopefully some nice pics will follow.

Later girls,

BB

Keeping busy just might be the key

Hello you all,

I have been in a cranky mood,

lately,

feeling unappreciated and unloved,

totally ridiculous,

but, hey,

you know,

hormones be hormones.

I thought I had avoided them,

the menopausal and post menopausal hormones,

but,

I have not,

I have been,

almost simultaneously,

this week,

a bitch on wheels,

and,

an ‘on the verge of sniveling’ wreck.

What’s wrong with me?

Nothing,

well nothing,

tangible.

I feel a surge of emotion coming up,

and,

I can’t really control it,

well,

that’s not quite right,

in the company of strangers,

I can,

I walk away,

at work,

I count to ten,

but,

with my mom,

with my girl,

and,

my really good friends,

it is hard to control,

maybe because,

I have lots of trust and love for them,

it’s been hard.

It doesn’t last as long,

as it used to,

but, still…

Any number of things can set it off.

Being contradicted,

can make me angry,

and,

turn me into a quasi petulant child,

not fun.

I have been trying to stay away,

from people,

not subject them,

to my toxic-ness.

I have even restricted my time,

on face book and such,

hoping to keep away,

from things that trigger,

the …

whatever it is,

trouble with my computer,

can ruin my day,

the washing machine dying pissed me off for a week,

these hormones are bad.

The world is messed up,

and,

there is plenty to be angry and outraged,

about,

and,

I am but, I can’t let the ‘little’ things get to me.

So,

I will be avoiding social contact for a while,

hoping it passes,

soon.

please, please

I have taken on an extra evening,

at work,

I need to work more hours,

I need a little extra cash,

but,

mostly, I need to keep busy,

when I am busy,

not exhausted busy,

but,

busy-

ideas,

develop,

manifest themselves.

So for the next little while,

work,

walk,

read,

take pics,

stay away from possible sources,

of negative and or conflict,

because right now,

I’m in a combustive state

🙂

I plan on a retreat to a monastery,

well , the ladies annex,

in October,

three or four days,

of walking, sleeping, eating good wholesome food,

taking pictures and recalibrating myself.

I tell you,

this menopause and getting older stuff,

it ain’t for wimps.

But,

that’s ok,

I ain’t no wimp.

😛

Be well my friends,

all of you.

Later girls,

BB

 

 

On myth and menopause

canadian blog awards

Winner GLBT category.

Good morning all,

hot day here in,

the beautiful ugly.

I’m feeling good,

I’m feeling strong,

I’m feeling loved,

I’m feeling happy,

and as Irene Cara used to sing,

What A Feeling

🙂

for you young ones who don’t remember Flashdance and Fame, Google it:-)

Been busy,

in a good way,

writing up a storm.

editing past posts,

to include in eventual book.

I see it,

oh so clearly.

The new Mac,

helps a lot,

with that,

as well as making picture editing,

simple,

instead of hair pulling out frustrating.

Life is good.

I feel light,

I feel lithe,

and I think,

it has something to do,

with impending,

full scale,

menopause.

I imagine that some of you,

I‘m thinking guys,

are cringing or at least,

squirming.

I am not going to go into details,

but,

I will say this,

I feel as if,

I am about to be set free,

from the burden,

of menstruating and hormones.

The last two years have been,

hard,

mood swings,

oh boy,

I couldn’t even stand myself sometimes,

felt like I wanted to crawl out,

of,

my skin.

But,

this,

Summer,

even with the truly bad shit,

that has taken place,

I feel better,

in my own skin,

more confident,

more sexy,

more me,

and that has a lot to do,

with the advent of the next phase.

I know many women,

feel as I do,

and,

many more do not.

I mean some women,

feel that they will,

no longer be fertile,

and,

somehow,

less woman.

For me it isn’t like that,

my idea of woman,

is in no way wrapped up,

in my power to procreate,

never has been,

and,

I don’t think that’s a gay thing.

I think many women,

wish to be mothers,

and,

many more feel they are less,

because they aren’t.

or don’t want to be.

I have nothing but,

respect for mothers,

the hardest job in the world,

no training,

no pay,

and,

not always,

a lot of,

appreciation.

I chose not to be a mother,

never felt the urge,

and,

I feel my contribution is much more,

as another type of adult role model.

Kids must see that not all,

adults are,

like mommy and daddy,

even if mommy and daddy are great,

and,

unconventional.

It takes a village,

and,

some of the village is,

the aunt who is,

a party animal,

or a librarian,

the aunt who gives you,

quiet time with an adult,

who shows you different parts of the world,

who lends you books,

and,

teaches you about Art,

who doesn’t necessarily present,

gender,

in the same way,

who shows,

you that feminine is,

much more,

complex,

a word than it appears,

to be.

Those aunts,

and,

I hasten to add, uncles,

are important to kids,

showing them,

there are many ways,

to be,

you,

and different and marginal,

doesn’t mean bad,

unorthodox is often good.

Children are  a lot,

of work,

having others to help,

should be valued,

not vilified.

Beating ourselves up,

because we don’t fit stereotypes,

is bad for us,

and,

for the world.

Post menopausal women,

have much energy and freedom,

to create and give,

just saying:-)

Smash the myths,

butch,

single,

whatever,

is also,

woman,

and,

making children because,

it is the thing to do,

or expected,

is the worst reason to have them.

It’s your life,

live it as you see fit,

happily and as a member of the village,

it takes all kinds.

Ramblings thoughts.

Later girls, be well,

BB