Toronto is nice and so are the people

I had a terrific time in Toronto.

Check me out at the Hockey Hall Of Fame.Caroline Filler

I am standing in a replica of The Habs dressing room,

 in front of my all time favorite player’s jersey.

Guy Lafleur, “the flower”

Toronto was great.

My friends were nice enough to take me all over the place.

On Saturday, we went downtown and to Kensington market.         

I got a vintage silk scarf for my mom, at a funky little shop.

Downtown we went book shopping and I picked up a book my friend suggested,

Coffee Will Make You Black.

This was at Glad Day, the gay bookstore.            

A very enjoyable afternoon.

In the evening we went to,

wait for it,


It was fun,

 I never did quite figure out the rules but,

so what,

and I met more nice people.

Sunday we had a lovely breakfast at a place called Edward Levesque’s .

followed by an exploration of the Beaches and a walk on the boardwalk.

The boardwalk runs along Lake Ontario.                            

Wow, no wonder they call them the Great Lakes.

Monday was The Hall and back home on the train.

Toronto made a fabulous impression,

 it’s a big city with lots to see.

Nice neighborhood’s, nice people.

I’ll have to go back.

It took my mind off everything,

and was a genuine escape,

 in the best possible way.

I hope my friends aren’t too exhausted.

Their hospitality was fabulous. Thank you girls.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t read on the train,

 the motion made me a little nauseous when reading.

So, I’ll tell you about Wilde another time.

Later girls


Toronto Bound

Still raining.

Going to Toronto for the weekend.                                              

The weather will hopefully be better there.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with friends,

 and meeting new people.

I won’t be taking my laptop,

 so, no posts for a few days.

I will be reading Wilde,

 on the train so,

 will blog about him upon return.

I will also be letting you all know my impressions of Toronto.

I don’t suppose you really get to know a city in two and a half days.

So, it will be strictly impressions.

I have never been to Toronto.

I’m not one of those people who has a bias against Toronto,

I’m ready to learn and explore.

One thing a have a pre-judgement about,

 The Maple Leafs,

they suck 🙂

In their defense,

 they have nice jerseys.               

Later girls

Have a nice weekend

Reading, or whatever.


Montreal, my home

I’m from Montreal,                                            

 it’s my home.

I have lived in this city my whole life.

I love it,


sometimes I hate it.

When I’m hating it, I think anywhere would be better.

This usually happens when I read about,

 the corrupt municipal administration,

and the lack of political will.

I often despair of our future,

 crumbling infrastructures and ever increasing taxes.

It’s easy to find things I dislike,

garbage, noise, slippery sidewalks, idiot disputes about language.

But, then I walk down Ste-Catherine and feel the wind in my hair.

I hear people speaking French and English and Russian and Arab and Spanish

and many which I could not possibly identify.

The smell of grease and Szechuan pepper and hot dogs and donuts and coffee,

and I feel happy and hungry and home.

In an ever changing world,    

 it’s nice to have our spots,                      

 places that never seem to change.

You get older and places disappear, no more Eaton’s or Ben’s or St-Lawrence Bakery.

But, Schwartz’s is still there and Steer Burger and for years I have been eating falafel from Basha’s

and Tum yum soup from Soupes et Nouilles(Soups and Noodles).

When it’s sweltering hot,

 I like to sit in Dominion Square and look up at the Sun Life building,

Montreal’s first skyscraper and feel the slight breeze caused by the large buildings.

This is not a good spot in November.

I love my city and it’s Five Roses Farine sign and it’s graffitied ugly silos.

Urban rust and patina have always been charming and familiar to my eye.

Beautiful churches and ugly snack bars with orange Formica.

The old port and the Molson brewery.


The Main.        

The croonch sound of  footsteps on snow on a really cold night.      

I love them all.

The view from the mountain and the view from the Bonaventure autoroute.

You drink beer in any bar until 3 sometimes 4 in the morning,

 and buy beer at the Dépanneur (corner store) until 11 pm.

I have never seen a Moose or a Mountie dressed in red serge ridding a horse.

I live in  a modern and decrepit North American city.

A French and multicultural city.

It’s home.

What else can I say?

Later girls


TV doesn’t make you stupid

OK, I gotta tell you, it’s a grey day.

Also, the Canadiens lost their 1st preparatory match,

it’s fine, it doesn’t count.

One of my great aunt’s died, she was 91, a nice long life.

So, by my usual criteria,

 and this combined with the moon and hormones.

I should be bummed and yet, I feel fine.

The fall really does seem to be bringing clarity.

I’m relieved, I was getting sick of grouchy and morose me,

I can only imagine what everyone else felt.

I have finally given up the need to “know” certain things.

Trying to understand,

 peoples thought patterns and motivations is a waste of time.

But, I have always been stubborn that way.

I think I’ll concentrate on me and the good things I have.

I’m healthy and I have good hair.

Seems like a hell of a start.

With the fall season I have been watching TV.

I know some people,

 seem to think that reading books and watching TV are mutually exclusive,

I’m not one of those people.

Although, I was raised in a bookish family, I also grew up watching TV.

I like TV and not only PBS.

Television doesn’t only rot your brain,

it can educate and entertain,

 sometimes even,


Also, I find that TV is more and more for people like me,

women over the age of forty,

 it’s about time!

Some of the shows I watch,

 Private Practice, The Good Wife  are quality shows

and the main characters are all women over thirty-five.

These shows are well written and deal with many thought provoking issues.

Bonus, they usually have beautiful women in the cast.

Julianna Margulies, Kate Walsh and Amy Brenneman,

 it don’t get much hotter than that.

Mature,  smart women, some might even be described as bookish,

if we were a tad delusional 🙂

be still my heart.

If I had to pick betwen books and television , I would go with books.

But, I would miss TV.

I grew up watching it,

many of my cultural references were acquired through the “boob tube”.

So when I can’t read, I can always watch television.

It’s comfortable and familiar.

Later girls


Lyrics and warmth

Le ciel tisse une couverture en laine
L’été prépare ses quartiers d’hiver

Charles Aznavour- Je te Rechaufferais

(the sky weaves a woolen blanket,

summer prepares it’s winter quarters)

I will warm you (the translation is mine, but, I think you get the image)

It is a glorious morning.

The sky is blue the air is crisp and I slept very well.

To an insomniac, weather obsessed Canadian,

this is a very good thing.

I have been reading many book blogs, lately,

 and I find that mine is very different from most.

I haven’t decided if that is a good thing,


I am impressed by the amount of work some people put into their blogs.

I think mine is more a stream of consciousness , kind of a thing.

I guess it’s about what’s on my mind.

So, maybe it isn’t really a book blog?

More personal, less literary.

Things take on a life of their own.

I guess I’ll just follow. 

I have been listening to music this morning,

the apartment is quiet.

I had tentative plans that fell through, no big deal.

I think I needed the peace and quiet.

I was listening to an old Aznavour CD ,

I was actually going to say record.

I remember listening to him as a child on vinyl,

 and later as a lovesick teenager on cassette.

Vinyls were special,

 the big sleeves with liner notes,

the putting down of the needle on the record,


and sitting there and listening.

When I was  young we listened to a lot of music in my house.

With my dad, it was Jazz and Classical and Rock.

With my mom, it was Québécois music and la chanson Francaise.

I learned to really love language, through lyrics.

Guys like Aznavour and Brel were giants.

In English, it was Dylan and Kristofferson who I always taught were the great wordsmiths.

Books taught me to love stories, songs taught me to love words.

So, as summer prepares it’s winter quarters.

I wish for you all,

 many good books,

beautiful music (with or without lyrics, your call)

and someone to warm and who warms you.

Later girls


Gray all around

I have had a crap week.

The sky is gray and rain is imminent, but,

the weather doesn’t have much to do with it.

Customers? Very few and pretty much all weird.

There have been upheavals in the friendship realm,


things are back to normal.

I hope.

Friendship is one of life’s greatest rewards,


 one of life’s great challenges.

On Sunday, I am going to The Lantern Festival at the botanical garden.

A little beauty in good company, sounds nice.

I’m stil reading the Carver, it’s a large collection.

I think it’s great but, I’m going to read something a litttle lighter this weekend.

A friend of mine gave me a copy of Kate Allen’s Takes One To Know One.

A lesbian mystery, yep I need that.

The last lesbian mytery I read was Veritas by Anne Laughlin.

I reviewed it at  back in june.

You should check out the site (in links) and the book.

Both are excellent.

On Saturday after work I’m going to see Eat,Pray,Love.

I hated the thirty pages or so of the book that I read.

But, Julia Roberts. I’m there.

My soul, eyes and heart need comforting hopefully that will do the trick.

Well, I don’t have much to say.

Later girls


The cleansing Fall wind

I love the fall.

Getting out my warm sweaters,

 looking forward to wearing the old suede jacket.

Walking in the city on a Monday afternoon with the wind blowing through my hair.

When I walk in the fall and the wind is blowing,

 I practically feel the airing of my brain.

You know how you air out a room with the windy fresh air?

That’s how I feel walking in the fall.

I made a new friend recently,

 and she,

 like me,

 enjoys a walk by the river.

Montreal is on the St-Lawrence and the neighborhood where I live,

 in spite of it’s many negatives,

is bordered by the river.

At night in the fall ,

you can walk without too much traffic and it’s pretty well lit.

We are still getting to know each other, so,

we still talk, constantly.

We’re both talkers,

 and we haven’t gotten to the point of comfortable silence,


We will.

I’m having a lot of trouble reading anything right now.

I can’t concentrate except for short stories.

Of course, a major drought for me is three or four days,

so obviously it won’t last.

I’m still reading the Raymond Carver,

 I like it,

 it’s about ordinary people doing ordinary things.

Little sketches of people’s lives.

Damn good.

I realise, I’m not making it sound so interesting but, it is.

If you are fascinated by humans and human nature in all it’s forms,

 it’s for you.

People living their lives for better, for worse.

Going to work, raising children, smoking dope, cheating on their mates.

Everyday stuff,

good/bad, lovely/ugly

and everything in between.

No rich people, no bourgeois’.

Working class and the idle poor.


The edition I am reading is,

 The Library Of America’s Carver Collected Stories.

I love The Library Of America,

 their editions are authoritative and they are reasonably priced.

The size and weight is just right to read and lug around.

Their mission, to keep all important American writing in print, is admirable.

Their non-profit status, even better.

I own a few and would like to own a few more.

When I take them out of the library,

I know I get an authoritative sample of an author’s work.

Well, that’s it for now.

Later girls


Kindness, more important than looks?

Cloudy and gray,

just in case you wanted to know.

Quiet Sunday ahead.

Food shopping, a visit to the green market and a walk by the river with a new friend.

I had a busy week,

 people were strange, preoccupied and not quite on.

Next week is bound to be different.

I hope.

I have been reading , writing and sleeping sporadically all week.

I had a major discussion the other day in the bookstore.

Ever feel like you are a Martian when you hear people speak on some subjects?

One of my friends, she knows who she is,

 would say being a Martian is a good thing,

Stranger In A Strange Land  and all, but,

sometimes it’s lonely as well.

Anyway, the discussion,

The topic was finding a potential mate, lover, whatever, via Internet dating services.

One of the girls was saying,

 that it’s really hard to find someone with whom you connect

on an intellectual basis.

I replied, of course it is your basing everything on a picture and a paragraph description.

Physical attraction rarely indicates intellectual and emotional compatibility.

At least that’s what I think.

This other woman who was in the bookstore said  that to her,

physical attractiveness was everything.

If she doesn’t find a man attractive and envisions sleeping with him in the near future,

there is no possible relationship.

I said but, that’s just physical,

 how do you know if he’s funny or smart or kind.

This woman says that physical tells you about lifestyle and compatibility.

So, here’s where I feel like a Martian,

 to me physical attraction grows with how

smart, interesting and kind a person is.

 Obviously, there can be no repugnance factor, but,

really it grows. 

A friend says that’s why I never get laid,

I have to know someone for months, sometimes years.

Honestly, I think my method is  flawed,

I have built relationships that I felt were

destined to work and they haven’t ,

so maybe the physical thing is most important.

But, I don’t think so.

What do you guys think?

Henry James a writer who I’m not really fond of, had a great quote:

“There are 3 things in life that are important;

the 1st is to be kind, the 2nd is to be kind

and the 3rd is to be kind”

Sex is an important, almost essential, part of life but,

 someone who makes you think, laugh,

who never bores you and,

 who is kind to children, old people and animals,

 that’s what I’m looking for.

I’ll keep plugging away.

Thanks for putting up with my midlife crisis ramblings.

Later girls


On openess and finding truth

The sky is blue and so am I.

OK, more pensive than blue.

But, I had to get the weather in there somehow.

I have been reading both James Agee and Raymond Carver.

Fabulously realistic, sensitive writers.

Very male and with a phenomenal ear for how people speak.

Also, the insight into the quiet or sometimes raging desperation of peoples’ lives.

You read this stuff and you think

“how could I write anything this good, this powerful, this real?”

The answer is,

 I probably can’t but,

 we can all write our truth.

The problem is knowing your truth.

I have told you all about what I have dubbed,

 The Summer Of Hell.

It hasn’t been The Summer of Hell because anything really bad happened.

No one died and no tragedy of any other kind took place.

But, I have been sad, enraged and hurt most of the Summer.

I’m hoping to snap out of it.

But, I don’t think it’s a snap type of a situation.

I’m lonely.

Not for intelligent conversation or laughter,

 not for warmth and friendship.

I’m lonely for a woman’s arms.

I want to lay my head on a shoulder,

I want to feel the weight of a woman’s head on my chest.

I want to watch TV with my head on her lap.

I want to wrap my arms around her waist as she stirs her sauce or pours her tea.

Push her hair back and kiss her neck.

It isn’t about sex,

well maybe a little,

but, it’s mostly about love.

I am blessed in my life,

I’m being redundant,

those of you who read this blog, know,

I have oodles to be grateful for, and I am.

I just want a love to call my own,

 and someone who gets me and whom I get.

My friends get me. My mom and family get me.

They sometimes think  I’m weird, neurotic and crazy, but,

they get me.

Now, I want someone who gets me and,

 regularly feels like ripping my clothes off.

Just, not, my new L.L.Bean chambray shirts.

It’s a brave new world my friends.

Filled with more open mindedness about sexuality,

at least I think it is.

But, you know it’s not a gay, straight, bisexual kind of thing.

A lot of people are lonely, this I know, I see it.

But, many of us have trouble connecting on that level.

Maybe, it’s a trust issue, maybe there is a need to expand our horizons.

Maybe, I’m wrong and it really is just me.

For years, I had never even considered bisexuals as a possible possibility.

But, you’ve got to grow.

Men are my friends,

they are beautiful and strong and shoot from the hip.

Some of them are aesthetic marvels,

Cathedrals or Davids.

But, women possess me,

 heart and soul,

 it’s how I’m wired.

Women are it for me.

But, for other people both men and women work.

Actually, us one hundred percent gay and the one hundred percent straights,

seem to be in a minority.

Like I said brave new world.

It wasn’t about being closed to bisexuals it was about not really seeing,



 The Summer Of Hell and finding my truth are about this.

I have been missing love in my life and I have been missing truth

and I am going to find them,

what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,


bring it on.

Later girls


Survived the sale and enjoying the cool.

Well it is done, the sidewalk sale is over.


All in all it was OK, can’t complain.

Helped me to renew with many nice people, which is great.

The weather?

Well, we went from wilting to…

it’s a little bit cold and I’m happy about it.

Air and wind good stuff.

Up here in Montreal we didn’t see too much of Earl.

Sympathies to those who did.

The air is starting to feel like HOCKEY.

I should be visiting some friends in Toronto at the beginning of October.

I am going to take the opportunity to visit The Hockey Hall Of Fame.

Can’t wait it’s a little dream of mine.

Part of my life list.

Any of you girls have a life list?

Today, I’m going to take it easy and go for an early dinner with my friend Sylvain.

Tomorrow? Who knows, but I plan on reading I haven’t finished a book in a few days.

Which feels like a long time.

Reading is my joy and my solace, it gives me strength and pleasure.

I don’t know if that sounds silly or dumb, but, it’s almost as important as my friends.

Well girls that’s it for now.

My love life is still crap.

But, at least it’s cool and I can sleep and read.

Later girls