Spiritual quest part IV

Hello all, hope you are,
all,
well.
April's biggest challenge,
here in the beautiful ugly,
has been staying...
dry, 
lots of rain.

May is,
so far, 
all over the place,
Aw, Spring, I love ya,
you may seem fickle to some,
but to me,
you are renewal in all its,
joys and difficulties.

Busy with my,
tutoring,
work, 
life.
I continue my spiritual quest,
I feel more and more at home,
in faith.
Who would have thought?

My Alpha course, 
Alpha journey,
continues,
I leave every week,
with questions,
and ponderings,
I love that. 
I live for food for thought
:-)

This week's theme was,
one I was looking forward to,
What next? what to do,
with the rest of my life?

As many of you know,
I have been at,
a crossroads,
for a while,
I haven't chosen a path,
I have been exploring,
different avenues, roads,
not investing myself,
on a course of action.
Not exactly idling but,
slow pace.

These last few months,
I have felt much more,
in tune with myself,
physically,
mentally,
in my core.
I am over,
the physical shocks,
of surgery,
the fear of dying that,
accompanied it.

I have healed from,
the pain of losing,
my friend, the anarchist.
I miss him still,
but it no longer,
involves searing pain,
I smile when I,
think of him.

So this week,
I went to Alpha,
with joy and enthusiasm,
and,
was glad to see,
the people,
who I have grown so,
fond of,
a community, warmth,
and, faith.

We watched the old version,
of the video in French,
because the new version,
wasn't ready.
The old version,
isn't as well suited,
to the open and modern,
church that is St-Jax's
IMHO.
Long story short:
the video,
spoke of the bible,
being a way of living,
a guide book,
that God has given us,
and the guy spoke,
specifically about,
sexuality,
and offered up,
specifically,
a hetero normative version,
of the world.

Cold shower.

Now, to be clear,
we all live in a,
hetero normative,
world,
and we adjust,
and honestly it is expected.
Norm is norm.
But, what I have come to,
appreciate,
about St-Jax's,
like the other places I feel at home,
is that I am liked,
loved by some,
for who I am.
We don't discuss such things,
why would we,
we accept each other,
for who we are,
but, I can usually smell,
a bigot and hommophobe,
at a fair distance,
and,
like all groups,
there are undoubtedly,
a few in church.
But, I felt in my heart,
in my bones,
that the leadership,
and most of the congregation,
wasn't.

So, it was with a weight,
in my heart,
that I emerged from the video room,
to the discussion area,
I went to get some herbal tea,
and, wondered if I would have,
to leave St-Jax's.

I sat down with my tea,
and found the leader,
of the group and others,
discussing,
the different tone of these,
videos.
It seems they had all been,
uncomfortable with the video,
as well.
and they agreed that sincere love,
is just that.
Phew



My perception about,
St-Jax's taking people,
for who they are,
was right.

The thing is I could leave.
I have lived without St-Jax's 
and faith in my life,
before,
and I could do it again,
but,
I find that,
more and more,
I would rather...
not

Be well you all, thank you,
for accompanying me on my,
journey

Later girls,
BB

Belief

I have been very busy,
lately,
well,
by my standards, busy.

Lots of social activity,
learning,
cultural outings.
Went to see Book Of Mormon,
with my Bff for her birthday-
so smart, so funny, so irreverent,
and yes, a little offensive,
but we loved it.

Funny, how things, 
come to you,
to flesh out thoughts,
ideas,
creative questions,
or meaning of life,
interrogations,
a little mysterious.
I am not referring to research,
but, just living,
your life,
and things appearing to shed light,
on barely flickering ideas.

I have been writing about this,
for a while now,
how faith and specifically church,
has brought,
centered ness into my life.

Now to be clear,
it hasn't made me happy,
it has made me calm,
well, calmer.

I am happy, I was happy,
I am blessed, 
I have an amazing family,
friends who are...well,
the best there is,
I have love and passion.
My health is good.

What church has brought,
is an opportunity,
to work on letting go,
of anger,
an opportunity to forgive.

I struggle with some of these,
things,
it is hard for me to let go,
of hurt,
of anger,
but I am working on it.

I find that faith,
is a lot like love.
You have to believe,
you have to trust,
you have to make,
yourself vulnerable.

Faith isn't the way for,
everyone,
I don't think.
But, belief is,
living your life ironically,
is bullshit,
love isn't ironic,
neither is goodness.

Sarcasm and snarkiness, 
hide pain.
Laughing is good,
essential to long life,
like singing and loving,
but,
profiting from others,
weaknesses and foibles,
laughing at them,
isn't.

As Bruce Springsteen sings:

Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

When things are hard,
belief is all the more important,
but, even us happy blessed people,
need belief,
well, I think so

still fleshing this idea out, I wonder what you all think about this.


Be well you all.
Later girls,
BB

Notes on my spiritual quest-Part I

Mom is away for a few days, 
I hope she is having,
lots of fun, she must be,
she is with my aunt and,
they get on, very well.

I miss her when she isn't here,
it is definitely more quiet.
Mom is a whirlwind of sound and movement,
it is who she is,
and I love her the way she is,
but, quiet and solitude is good for,
everyone.

I have written of my new quest,
my spiritual quest,
my personal exploration of,
faith,
my coming to St-Jax's is quite,
serendipitous.
A part of my everyday landscape,
spoke to me, one day,
open modern church, all are welcome.
 
I have been going to service,
almost every Sunday,
since mid January and in the last,
few weeks,
I have been attending Alpha,
on Wednesday evenings.
I have gotten a few questions,
from friends,
both live and via social media,
on Alpha,
what it is, what it means.

I am no expert,
but, to my way of seeing,
Alpha is series of guided,
talks on Jesus, his life,
the meaning of life,
and our place in the world.

Alpha, starts with a meal,
the food is delicious,
varied and plentiful,
afterwards you watch a video,
and a group discussion follows.

So far, I have to say,
I have enjoyed it.
The people are lovely,
and welcoming.
My group,
is a good fit,
smart and reflective people,
who I like.

I am not sure that the videos,
would convince,
Atheists,
I think most people who come,
to Alpha and to the church,
come with an open heart,
a heart yearning,
for whatever hearts yearn for.

I say this not in a flippant way,
but, in a sincere way,
I think different hearts,
yearn for different things.

Mine, my heart,
and I believe by extension,
my soul,
yearns for meaning,
for purpose.
Some people yearn,
for love,
for acceptance.


I am not sure,
if St-Jax's and Alpha,
lead to that purpose,
maybe.
But, I do,
feel good and welcome,
there,
I feel centered,
at peace.
It's hard to explain.

I think faith,
is personal.

A framework,
guidance,
helps and may even be, 
essential,
but, to me,
it remains,
a relationship,
between me and,
my God-
like I said it's personal.

I share this with all of you,
because,
I share most of my quests,
with you,
it helps me to know,
what I think,
gives texture to my thoughts,
my ramblings.

There will be more of these

Take care all of you,
be well

Later girls,
BB